All throughout the day scenarios play out in my head.  Continuous dialogue streams in the background of my mind of random scenarios that range from the fantastic to realistic (with a twist of lime and shot of tequila).


In the background today my mom asked me about Thanksgiving and struggled through asking me if I threw up or made myself sick.  I don't know how to answer, I want to laugh and roll my eyes and say, "Oh yeah, with everyone there, yeah right." all sarcastic with that Idontwanttotalkaboutit,Igotitundercontrol in the undertones.

And then I don't want to answer at all, just leave it like, "Do you really have to ask?" And then my mom frowns and looks to the floor as if the right words might magically appear but the wood reflects back in her sad eyes when she sighs and say, "Oh babe...you can't do this to yourself, you're not fat.  You look great. You can't lose anymore weight..." and I cut her off and tell her that I'm dealing with it and it was a bad weekend but oh well, that's my life, I made my bed now I have to (refurnish? lol) sleep in it and all I can do is try and get better. I just want to be healthy. And my mom will nod, defeated, her daughter is too smart and too stubborn for her words to penetrate and all she can do is hope that this intelligent beautiful girl with so much potential (yeah, yeah, don't we all wish we really were what our mothers see us to be?!) can either climb out of this hole that she has dug herself into or swallow her pride and ask for help.  And pray that she turns it around before it spirals out of control.


I just want to be healthy.


It's a lie.  A half truth, really.  The broken record of disorder dialogue continues, I keep thinking, Eff it, I'd rather be disordered and thin than fat and "healthy." 



I want both.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I have hope that I can and I will be but this hole effed up dialogue? It's got to stop.


The dialogue continues and I can't tell if it's disordered or not or both or what.  I fear that if I gain through the holidays it will inevitably lead to worsening ED and if I can cost until New Years, losing or at least maintaining but not gaining then the New Year could be magically ED free! Or ED easier, really.


Friggin-Ay.


Calgon take me away.

Thanks for Nothing

I thought I could handle this long weekend away but I can't.  Stress and anxiety and food, food, food have not done a body good.  I would have been better off at home.  I can't wait to get back to put an end to this growing snowball of doom & gloom.

I have been trying to do a smidge of exercise. Lunges and sit-ups to remind my muscles that I need them and I want them there.

The weekend had penalized me days of steps back with it's sweet trickery.  The wheels in my head are turning, to plan the best way to undo the damage.

I'm thinking of daily doses of exercise DVD's and healthy balances of mini meals.  Diet Pills.  Water.  Whatever is gonna get me there.

My throat hurts.

Cheers to better days and surviving the holidays.

(Read: I still have an inkling of hope.)

Let me count the ways...

that I have failed.


or not.

Yeah. I'm voting for not. So I won't, since this is a Flushocracy, so what I say goes!

(Can you tell I'm an only child?)

(Don'tAnswerThat!)

And also, I'd rather not just kick myself when I'm down.  Or twist the knife that's already engorged in my gaping wound.

(Dramatic much?)

(Viva la Flushocracy!!)

So, like I said, I've failed.  Or got a D. I'm voting for D, since D is "need improvement" and I am in some serious need.  (Clearly.)

I tried to incorporate the carbs, I tried to incorporate the dairy (outside of eggwhites) and that has essentially been the decline on the whole diet front.  More and more, I keep reaching for said food over the veggies and fruits that have done my body good and it's got to stop.

Satiated?
Not fighting an incredible urge to reach for the eject button on the calorie keeper?

I know not of this Fantasy of which you speak.

(seriously, a literal eject button on the stomach....how convenient would that be!!)

(You See!! These are the "D" rated thoughts that need improvement!!)

("D" for disordered.  Nice.)

I digress.


I need a reformation! Since these problematic foods are no longer in my kitchen (I wish I could tell you I threw them in the trash.)  I've decided with the help of my bloated belly and acidic taste in mouth to not buy them  anymore.  These items are addicting and causing me distress.  DIE DEVIL BIRDS!!

From now on, it's Vegetables.
It's Fruits!
It's nuts. It's eggwhites. It's WOOTS!!
It's woots for healthy!
It's woots for "A's"!
It's cheers for days that go my way!
I'll be Fabulous!
I'll be Thin!
I'll wear tiny clothes that fit!

(I think my watermelon was spiked.)

(And I like it.)

...

(Or I'm delirious and light headed.)

(Either way.)


So anyhoodle, Thanksgiving is Thursday and I'm going to Visalia and that makes it harder because I won't have the sanctity of home to run to.  And I'll have lots of drinking and lively conversation and dranking to participate in.  So that sucks.  I mean, y'know cuz alcohol has calories and stuff.  Some things in life are just wrong.

Like writing essays.

Wrong.

Okay, I have to write an essay now.  Pray for me, I suck at essays.
Sigh.

Me vs Myself & Me and Myself vs Life.

I'm finding life a little harder than usual as of late.  It's dark out and thus my mood and my thoughts seem to want to follow this seasonal trend.  

Can somebody hypnotize me and make me like a sane person?  

A non-disordered person?  

It's not that I don't believe that I am capable of this behavior but it's hard and I'm American so a quick-easy-way-out fix is ever so welcomed!

I'm trying not to stress but I stress none the less.

I'm trying to keep myself together but I keep looking control and the evidence is on my lips.  Nope, it's not food this time.  I have fever blisters, I've gotten them ever since I was young.  My mood goes south, my stress level goes north and ugliness arrives on my lips further perpetuating this spiral that continully goes in the wrong direction.  I got invited to go out for drinks tomorrow with some people that I play softball with, I am now regretting the acceptance of this invitation as said ugliness has got me further down.

But playing into this cycling will do nothing, if not keep me from getting closer to my dreams.  I must learn to turn a negative into a positive.  (I'm lookin at you UglinessThatSprungOnMyLip!)  It's a clear indication that I am not taking good care of myself.  And I type those words knowing that this seems to be a recurring theme in my posts lately, in other words, I continue to spiral further down. 

(Clearly.)

My days have not been bad.  They truly haven't, I'm just stressing.  My life has not taken this terrible turn for the worst, it's my thoughts that have been slipping through the cracks.  They are not where I'd like them to be.  (all HappyPants!)

The longing and the craving is increasing and I find my thoughts are plotting Scarf&Barfs.  It's already gone too far! When I was feeling good, I did not long for all the bad stuff, the junk food, the junk-everything.  I felt good about what I was doing, having confidence that my actions where paving the path to where I needed to go.  But as I get closer, the doubts are springing up, I'm feeling the pressure and my pace is slowing.  

What is this?  

Am I somewhat afraid to succeed?  

Not succeeding but sustaining success, that's where I worry.  

I [more or less] know the path but I don't know what I'm going to do once I get there.  It's so much easier to be a failure than to succeed and fall backward.  Better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?  

I am trying.  I truly am but here on this blog, it all comes to surface.  I can lie to myself and be in a deceitful world of denial but, again, it only makes the obstacles to my personal dreamlife that much more and I will not be that person.  

(I will fight not to be that person.)

I will clean my room and do my laundry tomorrow.  I will clean out my purse (I would be surprised if I discovered a new species of animal in there or a 3 ring circus perhaps... the possibilities are endless).  Small things that will improve my mood, I'm sure of it!

I'm still debating whether I will brave the public and be all social with this thing on my lip (seriously, it's hideous).  I'm considering just stopping by for a minute just to go, so I'm just a itty-bitty flake and not a monster of one but... we shall see what tomorrow brings.  

Tomorrow I am confident that it will be a good day, despite that I have 2 exams coming up 

(Or 3...)

(Eep.) 

but I have the weekend to study.  I will survive.  I will strive on.

Tuesday started off pretty horribly and turned around so why the hell not the rest of the year?

Huh?! WHY THE HELL NOT!!!

I CAN DO IT!! Sure I can.

Hopefully NEXT weekend will be better

Friday was a total family day.  

In the afternoon we had lunch at a Mexican restaurant, I didn't eat because I'm broke and, of course, because eating out terrifies me!  (The latter of the two I kept to myself obviously) My Cis then kidnapped me, she, her hubby and the kids were coming over that night because my mom was making lasagna so we had it all worked out.

We took a trip to Costco after our extended lunch of talking and me playing with her baby whilst they gorged on fatty mexican food.  I made sure to eat prior so that temptation wouldn't be an issue. (It worked) But after a 2 and half hour lunch and going to Costco, I wasn't immune to the samples...but I wasn't bad.  The fact that my cousin had already eaten and wasn't tempted kept my feet on solid ground.  When I got home I was HUNGRY, the sample snacking just wasn't cutting it.  I had a small and light meal so that I would keep my cool at dinner time knowing that toast and eggplant parmesean was on the menu (vegetarian friendly).

Two glasses of wine later dinner was ready.  Oh yeah, and bruschetta.

Have I ever told you how bread is my achilles heel?

Well, it is and I hate myself.  I'm pretty sure I ate my weight in bread and then on top of that the breaded eggplant and salad and [veggie]cheese and wine and wine and more bread and wine.

Family night means no purging.  Plus, my mom knows about my bulimia, she would have known.  She was already concerned when she saw how much I was eating.  (You'd think that'd snapped me out of it) (Eff you wine! Blinding me so, and weakening my will)

So Saturday I stayed around 500 calories.

And then Sunday. Oh Sunday.

I thought I was okay today and then I broke.  I started freaking out.  The thing is, when we went to Costco my cousin printed pictures going back a few months right up to a few days before Halloween when we where carving pumpkins.  I'm so fat.  I'm so ugly.  I just hate myself.  My skin is terrible.  I have these enormous pimples flooding my cheeks that refuse to go away.  I just want to hide out and never be seen again....oh wait.  That's pretty much what I've done yesterday and today (minus playing softball).

The scale had been hovering a bit at 17.5 (it rounds to the nearest half a pound) and yet there's picture evidence, I'm still fat as hell.  It's not good enough.  I won't be acceptable until at least 110.

I hate my body.
I'm an ugly.

But I won't give up.
I will be skinny.
I will be thin.
My life will get better.

You All Are So, Sooooo Wonderful! I love you!

You're all so damn right!  It kills me.

Wallow in self-pity?
No. My lovely and dear commenters are simply not having it.

Thank you for that!  This dreaded word "can't" need not apply to me (or any of us!).

"Can't" I want a restraining order, stop stalking me you Can't-arazzi!



Here are some pick-me-up-quotes that I've come across in the past week or two...enjoy.

“Good enough

n e v e r   

is.” 

-- Debbi Fields

“I can change. 
I can live out my imagination 
instead of my memory. 
I can tie myself to my limitless potential 
instead of my limiting past.”

-- Stephen Covey

“C h a n g e. 

It has the power to uplift, 

to heal, to stimulate, surprise, 

open new doors, bring fresh experience 

and create excitement in life. 

Certainly it is worth the risk.” 

-- Leo Buscaglia

“We have the need to be  a c c e p t e d  and to be loved by others, 

but we cannot accept and love ourselves. 

The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. 

Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and 

self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be 

p e r f e c t 

and  

n e v e r   m e a s u r i n g   u p  

to that ideal. 

Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves the way we are, 

and why we don't accept others the way they are.” 

-- Don Miguel Ruiz 

“Good enough

n e v e r   

is.” 

-- Debbi Fields

“How do we keep our inner fire alive? 

Two things, at minimum, are needed: 

An ability to appreciate the positives in our life

And a commitment to action. 

Every day, it’s important to 

ask and answer these questions: 

‘What’s good in my life?’ and

‘What needs to be done?’” 

-- Nathaniel Branden 

“ ...what I focus on in life is what I get. 

And if I concentrate on how bad I am or how wrong I am 

or how inadequate I am, 

if I concentrate on what I can’t do and 

how there’s not enough time in which to do it, 

isn’t that what I get every time? 

And when I think about how powerful I am, and 

when I think about what I have left to contribute, and 

when I think about the difference I can make on this planet, 

then that’s what I get. You see, I recognize that 

it’s not what happens to you; 

it’s what you do about it.” 

-- W. Mitchell

Back in the Habit

I dropped the ball. Again.

I wish I wanted to pick it up again but I'm not sure I do.  It's too heavy. It's too much to carry.  Why bother, I'm just going to drop it again.  Like I said, I wish I wanted to pick it up again.  Instead I just sit here, staring at this proverbial dropped ball, somewhat defeated.  I know it's there, I can just go back to it, right?  When I'm ready?

I so want to be that Powerful, Beautiful, Thin and Glorious woman in my minds eye.  I convinced myself that I could be said woman if I just persisted and strove on.  Pick up the ball as many times as I had to, as long as I picked it back up.

I'm struggling here.  I hate the holidays.  Friends.  Family.  Food.  Gifts.  I just feel a tremendous amount of pressure with each word escalating day by day.  I have very few friends.  My family...we love each other but I often find myself feeling like an outsider at family events.  There's not many of us and we are all at different stages in our lives and different ages on top of that.  The people I do have around me....I just feel guilty, I don't have money to buy gifts, I don't have money to go out and on top of that a lot of this revolves around food and drinks and drinks (alkees...) and I just feel terribly inept.

AND THEN(!) there's me, myself and I.  It's the struggle within myself, of not being the person I want to be.  I just want to freeze time and make the world stop so I can catch up with this vision of myself that I want to be, I don't want to go yet another holiday season of being a fat, ugly, unsociable, broke loner.

I skipped going to a Halloween party because of my b/p episode.

I suck.

And now today, I've felt all weird and lonely and weird and unstable. And hungry. I ate gads and gads of food today but I stayed healthy.  Fruits and veggies, oh my.  But my body feels like, Ooooooh yeeeeeeaaaaaah, this is what nutrition is like! Melikes it!! Lately, I've been getting lazier and lazier...which reminds me, I have laundry to do and chapters to read....

I digress.

I've been getting lazier and with that laziness went my nutrition.  More and more I'm going for the quick food, the processed food and the super duper cheap fruits.  So I went to the store and bought some watermelon, plums and apples.  And my body is like, Ooooooh yeeeeeeaaaaaah, this is what nutrition is like! Melikes it!! 


So anyhoodle, the proverbial anti-bulimia ball is still there and I'm here and the idea of picking it up again all Recovery-like is just too stressful. Double edge sword.  I'mma for less stress.  And when I can get control of the other things (like laundry and homework...and y'know like life or whatever) then I'll think about picking up that ball again all a go-go.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Sigh....