Adios

Find me here: http://thoughtsallovertheplace.wordpress.com

Struggly

Today the cashier at Trader Joe's asked me how my day was. I was paused for thought and replied, "I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday." He saw, "Today sucked." in my eyes and, "I'm trying to get passed it." in my weak smile.

Somethings is rotten in denmark y'all. And by "Denmark" I mean my bowels. And by "rotten" I mean stubborn. Shit just isn't happening without little blue pills. And it took 3 round of 3 blue pills for the Shit Mongers to do their duty on a weeks worth of intake. I realize I've been blogging A LOT on this topic lately but do you have any idea how it feels to have a weeks worth in you? Week after week? It's painful and awful. And I suppose the only worse than laxxies working is laxxies NOT working. And I'm trying so hard to correct my ED bad habits.

As much as I try to eat right. As much as I'm trying to exercise. My body denies me the Feel Good and has me feeling like shit. Literally and figuratively, of course. And the scale numbers are so high and though my body may not necessarily reflect this in the fullest in the way of flab, the size of my body does. It's frustrating.

I slept from the time I got home yesterday until waking up to go to work this morning and still felt like I had only 3 hours of sleep. I felt awful today and it wasn't helping that the lax were in full swing. And I could not satisfy my hunger. So I ate and shit and bitched all day. I'm a peach.

I really wanted to fuckitall and nomvom today. I can't win. That was my reasoning. I didn't want to though. More of me didn't want to nomvom and through my health away than the part that did. NomVom was more of a give up and make myself feel worse which made the fact that I just wanted to call it a loss of a good day as opposed to a slaughter.

Today it wasn't "all or nothing." Trader Joe's was after I got home and saw that there was no food. I looked at the Vegan Trail Mix Cookies and the allure that they had in my mind's eye on the drive home from work was not there in person. I bought my regular healthy food and moved on. The TJ's cashier also said, "If it's a trying week that means your doing something right."

I hope he is right. I really want to be healthy. I may have boughts of misery but there is a light at the end of the tunnel to health, notsomuch for the ED tunnel.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Who is stepping forward? THIS GIRL! (I'm pointing at me. Like a Champ.) (CHAMP!) 

In my blue suede shoes!

Okay, maybe not that last part, but if I blue sued pumps, I may or may definitely rock them and point at myself. Point at myself like a Champ. I suppose a Champ In Training would be more accurate. 

I continue to progress. I may have NomVommed on Sunday but 1 day out of 14 is definitely a huge improvement. HUGE. I've also been exercising (however minimally) just about everyday. I eating healthy, balanced and homemade without getting cray cray. I've been more social (cue: gasp). And I'm seeing improvements in my overall physique. DO YOU HEAR THAT SCALE?! FUCK YOU! I'M IMPROVING!

*ahem*

Bitch Scale is stubborn. And mean. As are my clothes.... so basically this means that my body is just reshaping. Whatever. I'll take it. Improvement is improvement. Curves > Lumps. True Story. Plus, I'm eating and I'm not vomming. The best is yet to come. I'm building muscle, I can tell because I feel stronger. Not like The Hulk Status, for the record. My fat is starting to join Team Muscle. Or die. Either way. I'm not losing.

Since I had a good week (health-wise) today I started jogging. I don't jog, you guys. This is Big. I'm following one of those beginner runner training mabobbers. Today was day 1. I'm alive. So far, so good. Onward to Day 2.

A win is a not lose.

Rather unsuccessful at failing this week, which is a win. I put effort into not failing, though it's more of a Win Week by default. I did not exercise as much as I'd liked to and I overate some days.

Non-losing aspects of this week: I ate healthy foods; that I prepared. (Preparation is bonus points!) I did some intervals workouts... okay, like a half of an interval or two... Moving > Not Moving. (Default Win.) I kept the house clean, which had me feeling good when I woke up each morning.

I'm kind of proud of Not Failing this week considering: I'm on my period, My mom is out of town (free to nomvom in peace), and I was constipated all week. ALL WEEK! I'm five days pregnant with shit, which is Poo Time is quite significant. I finally bought some laxies today after work and hopefully by tomorrow in the AM I'll have.... delivered.

Non poopery is a sign that my digestive system is fucked, my metabolism is about as quick as a snail in molasses. And let's not even get into my relationship with food, the mirror, and numbers.

Bulimia is no way to live and a slow road to dead. Trying to find a reasonable detour to get back to Life Boulevard.

Bad Planning

Friday.... hah! No starting on Friday Starters up in here! Let us count the ways in which Friday Starting was a bad idea. 

1. Mom leaving. Empty house means loneliness which results in emotions. Bad News Bears.
2. Holiday Weekend. Holidays mean Crazy Food Environments in which one of many ramifications include anxiousness to the max.
3. Period on the rise. 'Nuff said.

There ya have it, 3 good reasons why Friday resulted in NomVomminess. Oh well. Starting back at one today. The second. A Saturday. Day one of the Red Tide. During a holiday weekend. Let us not count the ways in which this is not a recipe for success. This road is going to be long, hard and slow. Long, Hard and slow in a Non Pleasurable way. 

Anyhow, I did start counting my calories in a guestimatey sort of way and I'm at an upwards of 1800-2000 cals these past 2 days. (Prevom on Friday) That's crazy right? (Rhetoricle.) It is indeed. I could share with you the endless Talks of Dissapointment and Disgust that I had with myself but I'll spare you. Partly because, they didn't happen and mostly because that's just eye pollution for you. What I am gonna do is all I can do. Look forward.

Clearly, better meal planning needs to take place. Being a vegetarian and trying to avoid processed foods coupled with Being The Laziest Girl On Planet Earth makes meal planning a bit more on the efforty side. Try no processed food for a week, I challenge you! GO! Just kidding, do what works for you :) What is going to start working for me (because I'm going to make it a habit) is preparing food for the week. I did fairly well the last two weeks of prepping lunches for the week but there is room for improvement. Like minding my calories by preparing more low cal foods like eggwhite salad and incorporating lots of vegetables. Which means I'm going to have to get better at picking out vegetables in the store. I tend to go for vegetables that are frozen or prepared for you. LazyPants.

Also! Exercise! Getting to the gym. I'm going to shoot for 2-3 mornings at the gym which means I'm going to really have to get good rest at night. I've realized what helps me sleep better is being prepared. I wake up easier when my clothes are clean, my gym bag is ready, my lunch is ready to roll and oddly, when my room is clean and the dishes are washed. Cleanliness and organization does something magical to the psyche. Even if I stay up a little later than I wanted, when everything is prepped and clean, the rest is restier. 

Not trying to move mountains or anything with getting better. I'm trying to be reasonable and make small changes. Although I would love to wake up skinny and perfect tomorrow, with a life all healthy balanced and streamlined that shit just ain't gonna happen, and if it did, it's unlikely that it would happen for very long. Fit and healthy and thin is what I long in the long run. I'd much rather be healthy and thin and fit in a year for many years than thin in a month and fat the month of two after that. It's clear that I can't keep up this crazy ED charade without being unhappy.

Team Tortoise

Today is my 8th day yall. That, I believe, is a record for the year!

But I'm fat.

If you want something to play with go and find yourself a toy cuz the scale will tell it like it is, and It, ladies, it's Fatso Palooza. I eat healthy foods and I exercise so I'm not as Jiggly Gelaton that can be a tad more devastating at this weight. I'm trying this thing were you don't starve and go buck wild on some crazy diet where you end up eating a boatload of tastey chemicals with a slight aftertaste and zero calories.

Homie don't play that. *gets hit with sock* THIS TIME, I meant this time!

Cycle of Fuckery? Been there, done that. THIS TIME, I'm gonna try this thing that I've been hearing about on the podcasts I listen to. Where you actually eat real food and exercise. They make you eat a shitload of calories which is scary as shit but I'm desperate. I believe I have reached the point where my desperation to be healthy+fit+thin+not miserable & vomming has outweighed my desperation to be thin. I want the whole package! I'm going for the All-Around in this bitch!

I have actually been trying this for the past month or so, but I couldn't seem to make it past the weekend without getting cray-cray to the may-day in the kitchen, knowatamsayin'? It's not a flip the switch kind of thing really, I've really been working at this. The days of Fuckery may or may have definitely had to do with alcohol and hangovers. Funny thing that the Monday this streak started I was resolving not to drink for a while.

....


AND THEN! Come 40 minutes later I get invited to wine tasting for a birthday. The universe is mocking me. The universe got jokes and THEY'RE NOT FUNNY! YOU HEAR THAT, UNIVERSE! NOT! FUNNY!

I went, of course, but I lucked out that it was more of an extended lunch (I had salad, no dressing) and wine. 2 glasses and then some more hanging at the birthday girls house but there was no bingery. I drove home. Ergo, no hangover.

Lina - 1, Universe - .2 (I still went drinking... wine be thy cryptonite.)

Whatever the score, a win is a win. So I made it to and thru day 8. (Okay, thru-ING since technically the day is not over.) I'm desperate. DESPERATE! I want the package! I want it ALL! And if it's going to take longer for the whole package than I am rising to the challenge. A challenge it will be! (And is.) I've been eating in a fog of oblivion. Concentrating on revving my metabolism. I quit counting cals because seeing the numbers sends me flying of the moon. And the cow need not jump over the moon in this tale.

Who starts on a Friday? FRIDAY!? This girl. (I'm pointing at myself. I'm that girl.) Shit starts on Friday, counting shit. I'm gonna be eating a lot of calories but I'm pretty certain it's less than I have been eating in my Fog Of Oblivion, FOO, if you will. Reiterating the Flip Switch Tip, I didn't want this to be a drastic change, I eat healthy on the regular and I've slightly increased exercising. So counting is only added to the equation, not like I'm revamping the diet, same healthy foods...just more controlled in portions.

Slow and steady. Just cruisin', yeah I'm cruisin'. I'll be cruisin' to Skinny Street.

This past month has been a prep state. I talked about healthy food and exercise but I think we can all agree that there is more to weight loss than that. With the energy increase comes Getting Shit Done, long time readers may recall this to be the 2011 slogan. Not only am I keeping a non-pig stye-ish room but I'm taking it to the next step, I've been a little cleaner in all areas of the house. A clean kitchen makes preparing lunch so much less efforty. I've taken to prepping lunches on sunday. Preparation has helping me enter the day with a peace of mind that has me singing and speeding on the way to work. True story. I've also started taking a bunch of different vitamins to help my biochemistry.

I listen to a podcast of nutritionist and you not believe how lacking certain vitamins and minerals can make a person all crankypants or schizopants, among other undesirable traits that are largely factored into moods, energy, and junk. Mind blown. Every week. Little by little I'm tweaking life shit for the healthier and, by golly, Ferret Status is gonna happen!

Eventually. Slow and Steady.... Team Tortoise!

8 days, you guys. I'm serious this time!

Busy Bee!

Speaking of bees, my friends have an epic bee hive complete with like 5 or 6 rows of honeycombs! Like 500,000 bees the Bee Guy estimates. True story. I saw the picture! I heard the buzzing! I was there you guys. Bees really are busy just in case you ever doubted. And should you ever cross a naysayer you just tell them a stranger on the internet said it was true so it's legit. I mean, if the internets say so it must be true, right? Also, completely unrelated news; ignorance is blissful.

So I've been busy beeing and that's the buzz. I'm working full time now and then some. Viva la Overtime y viva dinero en el banco! Can I getta 'Amen!' (I'm just gonna take the liberty of pretending that you 'Amen'ed all enthusiastic-like and pumped your fist in the air a little since this is not live blogging.) I've decided to work full time and take the slow lane on the Education Highway. Who ever said money isn't happiness... prolly has some cuz like it may not be like the main ingredient in the Scambled Eggs of Life but you definitely need a pan to make that shit. Happiness is the pan. Lost you still? ....  Moving on.

I lied. Back to Lina Worker Bee cuttin on the Flushin'! We all know that the NomVom is my drug of... well, it's my drug. And if you've been reading this blog ever at all you know it's what I'm always muttering all hatey mchaterton style on the nomvom tip. Work and overtime are helping me in a roundabout kinda way to cut the drug. Hugs not drugs y'all. You heard it here first [today]. The overtime was sort of a double edge sword. On one hand I was working and not vomming, on the other hand I was exhausted and the LupusMonsters sleep was being disturbed. Waking monsters is Bad News Bears but then so's the NomVomMonster. Not the best of times, not the worst of times. Coasting. It's not like I could tell people that I'm killing myself at work to avoid NomVom. Plus, I'm pretty sure they don't read this blog and wouldn't know what the fuck I'm talking about when I say NomVom anyway. So there's that.

Lucky for me, I weathered the OT Storm with no need for doctors visits. I made money. I saved money (nomvoms ain't cheap). Win. Win. Well... I still had episodes but cutting down to 2-3 times a week is improvement from nearly everyday. And I'm happy to say that this week I worked 40 hours and I did not nomvom. There were festivities. There were fumbles; but I did not fall! I did not flush! The Wifey McWifeyPants' voice of reason and reminder of The Streak helped a lot today, I was considering The Drug. Win.

Not being consumed in ED is grrrrrr-ATE! (Tony the Tiger Point Pump!) I got stuff done! Normal people stuff! Dishes! Check. Brown Bagging Lunch! Check. The Dreaded laundry! Check. Haircut! Check. Oil Change! Check. Send iPhone to the doctors! Check. Hanging with Friends! Checkity Check! I think I really drove my point home, so I'm gonna spare anymore of my checks, let's just say I'm WIN-NING! Like Sheen. Minus the drugs. Double the Tigers Blood. Triple the Awesome!!! Quadruple the the exclamation points!!!! YEAH! LET'S CAPS LOCK THIS BITCH! CAPS LOCK AND POPPIN'!

*ahem*

Time for bed now for some Sheen Dreams featuring WIN-NING!