Shitty Essays

So here we go again with the essays and procrastinating.  Tomorrow I have an outline for an essay due and I have nothing written, typed or...or thought.  When I was younger I would complain that they always give me boring topics, I want to write what I want to write about, now I complain because they tell me I can basically write about anything I want to write about and I got nothing but performance anxiety.

It's times like this that really force me to see what's going on inside the mass within my skull and lemme tell ya, it does go much further than eating disorder and daily activities like not wanting to get on the scale every morning but doing it anyway and frowning at the stupid numbers on the stupid scale that may as well just read: TOO MUCH, STOP EATING.

Oh!  How about I write about hibernating at home because I feel guilty for every single calorie I ate that day and feeling all bloated because I'm constipated all the effing time and not even my poopie tea is working effectively so I take laxies instead and forgot about it until we were walking into the OC swapmeet with my cousin and aunt that is 40 minutes away from home and have to take off to the bathroom because my digestive track feels like a football team is doing the river dance on it.  8 million curtesy flushes an a playlist on my iPhone later, I was empty but couldn't really eat anything the rest of the day in fear it would just whoosh right through me like a Jamaican bobsled and ending with a bang.

I'm so glam.

Overshare anybody?  You're welcome.

This is the kind of shit that I come up with when I am trying to think about an event, activity, place/moment that was dramatic, significant, meaningful or positive in my life?  Welcome to my "creative procrastination process,"although I've never been formally tested I'm pretty sure my IQ level is up there with best of them, rocks, Bush, dirt... there I am: Flushed, in all my pooping, puking, poochy glory.

My essay is gonna be a winner for sure, you can feel it right? (Lie to me good.)

Sweet jeezus, I better just pack my bags and head on over to Crazytown because this is where essays drive me.  The good news is all I have to turn in is the outline.  The bad news is that I don't have a topic and my "technique" is more like scrambling and rambling until the wheeeeee hours of the morning and hoping for the best.  I don't really know how to write structurally.

I don't have anything meaningful to say?! Thesis topics, shmeesis blopics.  I'm pretty sure "essay" translates in Swahili as "brain rape."

In other news, I weighed in at 119 pounds this morning so this kind of eases my mind a bit, 117-119 is where I've been at for months (ugh.)  I knew that I couldn't have really gained any substantial weight, I haven't been eating out of control or anything and my clothes are still fitting (albeit, uncomfortably around the middle).  I wasn't too bad in the eating department the past couple of days (la, la, la. Mimosa's have no calories. La, la, la.) I feel like I've eaten like a moo cow but when I look at the calories, it's not really that devastating.  I'm gonna be better this week :)

Double Edge Sword or no sword at all

Double Edge Sword or no sword at all

I went to the swapmeet today and it was magbifiscent. I got my hair
cut and a lit of stuff (I typically don't spend much...if anything) (I
may even havve sone Closet Jew in me) (what? Stereotypes are fun! This
spoken by a chili and hot sauce lovin ["white washed"] Mexican) my
aunt even bought me a purse that was all kinds of cuteness (in lieu of
some boots that didn't fit as a Christmas gift).

Exciting Time for a relatively Thtifty Material Girl.

And then I overate when I got home.

And then I pushed myself to get ready and go to the engagement party
of a couple I okay softball with. I had a good time.

And now I'm home again and trying my damnedest to NOT go into the
kitchen and binge and purge.

I'm really really thinking about it and my thoughts are powerful which
terrifies me.

There is some crazy kind of Siamese fork in the road and life is
forcing ke to choose a road. I had to choose tonight between goin to
the softball friends engagement party to hang out with people that is
new. Hang out with my friends who are dear to me and don't see very
often but keep communication with via text. Or sit home alone.

Obvy I chose new. I usually do pick new, I like new and different. I
once read somewhere that a child develops their main personality (that
they're going to have for life) when they are 6 years old. And when I
was 6, I moved, went to a new school where I had a fresh start. I
think this factors into my whole runawayandeverythingwillbebetter
mentality.

(But really, who knows? It's just theories floating around Ae wannabe
facts...)

Anywho, the party was cool. They didn't think I would show up, half
the people took a minute to recognize me a liitle spruced up and outta
my sloppy softball attire, I was still pretty shy and quiet lie I am
during softball.

I just don't fair well in social situations, I was never taught or
led, by example, of this type of behavior-all o got is self-conscious
and uncomfortableness. (thanks Mom. I love but you kinda fumed me in
this arena,). I try not to be, I try to primp myself up to feel good
before I go (which does help) and peptalk myself up.

I'm really bad at idle conversation and thus am hesitant to even
initiate it. I'll try and keep it up but it's usually the other
person who starts it up and ends it (or I end up talking to this
person all night).

I just got hone and have an intense urge to binge (and purge).

But why?

I ask mysel this over and over. What I keep going back to is that I
wasn't my true self (as in not true to my spirit and holding back) and
the severe contrast of being around people and then being completely
alone.

I am so lonely. I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't so alone and
lonely so much. I feel all sad and the fact that my house and
especially my room is not clean and organized only makes it worst, I
feel like my life is a mess, full of disorder and a lack of control.
It's really not that dramatic but the feeling inside of me feels like
it is this way.

I'm fighting the feeling of bingeing and thus the dreaded purge. I've
already eaten mote than i'd like today. I hate this feeling in me.
It's an emptiness that I want distract myself from with gorging myself
full of salty and crunchy food and I hate it.

I want to be 105 pounds. I know weight doesn't solve everything;
neither does money but it does make some things better.

I don't know.

I don't know what the he'll I'm talking avout.

But there is one thing that I know for sure: Champagne is what dreams
are made of.

Just go to sleep, Flushed and dream magical dreams...

Sent from my iPhone.

Look Ahead

Yesterday was shit, I'm pretty sure I ate all of the West Coast I think I ate over 1900 calories.  Okay, so maybe not all of the west coast but I had already weighed in that morning at 121 pounds or some kind of monstrousity like that and so today: 123.5 pounds.

Shoot me.

Okay, I know it make not seem outrageous and I'm sure that water weight and food just laying around in my intestines might factor in but it's still a number that I'm not comfortable with.  I've been averaging 117-119 pounds, I really doubt that 5-7 pounds is not poop and water.  Again, ever since Vegas I've been eating, eating, eating and not really the good stuff, I got addicted to stupid protein bars and lacking the veggies and eggwhites, I've been exercising even less than I was before- since before Thanksgiving I make it a point to at least to [cheater] push-ups, sit-ups and lunges everyday (or at least not skipping 1 day)...Bad News Bears.

5-7 pounds Bad News.

So this was yesterday:

Breakfast

• Almonds (~12)
• Pure Protein Bar
• Roasted Peanuts and some Peanut M&Ms (I NEVER eat this type of food)
• 1 Naan bread (These things are TERRIBLE, again, NEVER eat these)

Lunch

• Eggwhites (100c)
• Large Apple
• Almonds (8)

"Snack" (it was suppose to be dinner)

• Starbucks Dark Cherry Parfait

Dinner (wasn't suppose to happen)

• Baked Sweet Potato
• Baked Eggplant
• Eggwhites (100c)
• Pumpkin (280c)

The past 2 weeks have not been much better.  Where is my discipline?  My drive?  My desire to be thin?  There has been no evidence in the past 2 weeks that I have any desire whatsoever to lose weight.  I'm disgusted with myself.  I justified these by saying that my body needed this or that and I even pulled the 49 days of no purging I so deserve this!  I told myself that tomorrow I will be better and tomorrow I say tomorrow...well, tomorrow needs to turn into TODAY!

I think a big reason that I've been bingeing is that at school between Guidance and English, they are really forces me to be out and honest with myself but more than that, with my teacher and even with my class ("it may be personal but it's not private") and it's really hard.  I'm really private and self conscious and making decisions based on others opinions/expectations instead of my own because then if I'm judged or it didn't work out... well, it wasn't my decision.  I'm such a dreamer and I have such high expectations and I'm a perfectionist... and I'm afraid of being judged and of failing.  Intellectually, I know that I should just be the best version of me but it's just not a habit.  YET! :)

In other news, despite my horrible binge episode I did do some exercise.  My mom and I were watching TV and I did my usual, cheater push-ups, sit-ups and lunges and then. Back in my Mom's "hayday" she was in karate, she would do tournaments and things.  In karate there are these things called "kat-thas" (sounds like, I don't know how to spell it) and they are basically like a little routine of punches, blocks, kicks and other karate things.  Out of the blue I just asked my mom if she still remembered them, I guess this is what she does when she works out in the pool (I wondered how she could spend so much time alone working out in the pool) and I asked her if she would teach me one.

Last night I learned the basic punches and blocks and the stance. It was actually fun and I think it was really fun for my mom too.  She even said that I was really easy to teach too, so I asked her if she would continue to teach me whatever she remembers (it's been years since she was in karate- this was pre-Flushed).  I'm looking forward to it, it's fun and different, it gives us a little bonding time and we're both working out! Hellooo sexy arms and sum-mokin' legs! (my mom's legs are super muscley and sexy)

I feel like we're months into the year already.  Today is the 28th day of 2010.  Doesn't seem like very much does it?  And its not.  It's still the beginning of the year, 2 months until Springtime which is plenty time to lose some el bees and look fab in a spring dress!!  I think lent is coming up to, I'm not religious but I can pretend to do a little Catholic challenge and give up something for 40 days.  And THEN it will be bikini time, well, jacuzzi time unless we heat the pool which isn't likely to happen in this economy, conservativity is where it's at!

Bread-aholic

I am a self professed breadaholic, however when you couple that with bulimia...Bad News Bears yall.  In my efforts to sans the purge I pretty much stay away from the stuff at all costs (some like chocolate...I likes the bread).  Or, at least, keep it out of the house and consider it a treat when I'm cornered into going out to dinner.

Ever since Vegas, I have been eating like a hippo in heat. (Don't ask me where I get these things, I'm a habitual blog vomiter.)  This morning I pretty much ate everything I could get my hands off ending with a piece of naan bread with some spray butter and sprinkle cheese.  For the first time since Vegas I actually feel satiated, no that nagging still hungry.

Apparently, one needs some whole grains.

Who knew.

Though my body is not crying out for more my mind is heavy with guilt and regret of this mornings little binge episode.  I'm hoping that in the long run, it will be better for me.  In other words, I will be able to restrict!  I keep eating and eating and the hunger is still there and I have this idea that this one this is what is going to get me satiated and I keep eating this same thing to no avail.

What's the definition of stupid again?  Well, I was stuck on stupid, repeating the same behavior in hopes of a different outcome.  I do this often, I get stuck on one food or substance when I find it works and I go back to it more and more and pretty soon I forget about what I normally eat and this road leads to the same destination that I visited this morning Binge Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  I always end up on this street when I deprive my body of a certain food and with mind set on wanting to be healthy and skinny they just won't allow me to go on comfortably lacking nutrition in my body.

I'm still anxious about what's to come in the day before me.  Court, my design, my classes....my body.

Le sigh.

Things have got to work out!  They just have to.  They just have to.

Everything will be okay.

 Because it must.

Thinking positively is just harder somedays.

Thinking positively is just harder somedays.

Tomorrow I have to go to court for my Unemployment Appeal that I
thought was resolved 2 months ago, talk about stress. It's going to be
a formal setting, right hand on the bible whole truth, state my case,
submit evidence and all that jazz. I also have to turn in the
autobiography and chapter exercises that I still need to work on and
polish up...
I can't even think right now. I don't want tomorrow to come, I want to
hide under the covers and camp out there until a better day comes to
take me away.

My brain is exhausted. I get very little rest. I don't know why. I
go to bed late, wake up a couple times a night and end up getting up
around 8 because I just can't sleep. Around 4 o'clock I feel this way
too but I force myself back to sleep...maybe read a few blogs if sleep
doesn't come.

And then there is being constipated despite all the overeating that
I've done. The scale is hating me. My body is hating me. There
needs to be a shift in mind again so I can lose again.

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of keeping down all this food I eat, though
I continue to do so. I have a knot in my neck. My room looks like a
tornado brought his friends over for a wild party while it's parents
were away. I'm not even sure if I have a pair of clean jeans for
tomorrow.

I e-mailed the invitation design for my cousins girlfriends baby
shower and I'm waiting on the verdict... I'm terribly afraid that they
aren't going to like it.

I'm tired, did I mention that already?

I just want to have a peaceful sleep, dream wonderful dreams and wake
up bright early and everything be okay. BETTER THAN OKAY I want
everything to be better than I can even imagine tomorrow. Unicorns and
butterflies better!

Sent from my iPhone.

Proofreading is Overrated (read: I lie to myself all the time)

When I was looking at the upcoming assignments/homework for the week ahead of me, I thought it was fairly simple: read this, write that, study, math...no probs.

I've sat on my ass ALL weekend and ate and tried to do homework (thinking about doing it is trying in my book) and when I would try to start it, I was and continue to be completely blank.  Priority one would be writing an autobiography and read & do the exercises in chapter two of our text book.  The reading I actually don't have a problem with but the exercises and the autobiography?

Blinking cursor anybody?

I struggle to write about myself, especially because I had the same teacher last semester and she had us do the exact same assignment and wants us to do it again and I've already written about my little Lupus shpeel so I'm typed out.  In theory, I actually like the idea very much but when it comes to writing about myself I struggle (blogging is different, you're not grading me) (I hope.)  I wish I was interesting and had some awesome story to tell or anything to tell for that matter.  She's already heard what I got, I gotta live more!

The class is a guidance career class that really focuses on finding out who we are, the books is interesting and motivating it talks about positive attitude and how it correlates with success and things of that nature, which I'm sure many of you realize at this point that it's right up my alley.  But the exercises are so personal and I get embarrassed to write the answers.  Whatever the phobia is for intense fear of judgement I'm pretty sure I have it.

I need to face this fear I have and that is why I really value this course but every week, chapter by chapter I'm sure I will be forced to look in the proverbial mirror and face my fears.  As the assignments keep coming I'm sure that it will get easier and by the end of the class (or *fingers crossed* sooner) I will get rid of this ridiculous phobia and, dare I say it, be a more confident me!  I'm really looking forward to this class because of these reason (and my teacher is amazing).

But that still doesn't help me write an autobiography.  In my English class we read an article on writing a shitty first draft, basically, write a shitty first draft to get everything out of your system without regard to judgements or anything because your eyes are the only ones that will read it and, in theory, somewhere in this draft will be a diamond in the rough that you can polish into a gem of a paper and marry it or something.

Remember that intensefearofjudgementphobia I was telling you about?  I can't even bring MYSELF to read my own writings and ramblings because, I dunno, I sound like a dumbass most of the time (well, you know this, you read my blog!), it's nonsensical and elementary or at least that's what I imagine it to be because I can't even bring myself to read most of it.

I suppose the theme of this semester is fear-facing since I'm taking both, an english course and this guidance course...oh yeah, and psychology to wrap up 'finding ones self' with a pretty little bow.  If I make it through this semester alive and decent gradeworthy I will be Flushed version 3.0- smart as a whip, witty as a whistle, charismatic, confident and a new sleek & thin design!!

Let's all hope.

I like how I'm blogging when I could be a post closer to being done and having a better nights sleep.  I can see tomorrow now: wake up early, all Sally Stressball, frantically banging it out on the laptop, chugging coffee like I'm a fratboy at a kegger.


Crap.

Couch Tomato

All I have done today is eat, eat and eat some more.  It's disgusting.  There is so much to do, I have homework and cleaning and designing to do and I've hardly touched any of it.  My friend just text me asking what I'm going to do tonight and all I can think about is homework, cleaning, designing and, above all, the mountain of food that I've consumed.

All this week I just keep eating.  Food is the enemy and enemy got ahold of me.

This is not how you lose 12 pounds.  I've got to change but I don't want to do it in such a way that will:

1. Cost me lots of money.
2. Be inconvenient.
3. Be unhealthy.

I haven't worked out in far too long.  I'm frustrated I'm not progressing towards my weight goals.  I'm not sure that I can say that I've really hit a plateau since I haven't really done anything that would result in weight loss.  I think I pretty much have maintaining 117-119 pounds down pat but, of course, it is no longer good enough.  Progress is where it's at!

My mom was watching TV last night and called me over to ask me if the girls on Say Yes To The Dress really looked like that or if it was our TV that made them look wide/ big.  I explained that it's a show with just regular people on it and yes, sometimes they are fat and yes, sometimes the dresses they choose do not flatter their [fat] bodies.  She went on in critiqueing the heavy girl wearing a strapless and how she really should get sleeves or something on her dress because the fat roll that's between the boob in the arm is Not Cute.  She was baffled that this girl would say that she felt like a princess in the dress.

We chatted a bit about different cuts of the dress and what looked good on certain people.  She was saying how when she sees said armpit roll that she puts on a jacket to cover up, furthermore, that I don't have that problem because I'm skinny and I look great.  She saw my face, the face that clearly says that I disagree with her.  She told me that if I want to tone up that's fine but if I truly think I need to lose weight that I need counseling.

Obviously, I do want to lose weight, I don't want to be shapely.  I don't really care much for the figure that I have or flat belly.  I'd prefer a concave stomach and an angular body.  Actress thin.  I really don't think I need counseling though, when I get to where I'm going then I'll reevaluate.  I take it as a good sign that I started seeing problems and was able to correct them (by eating more and tweaking my diet).  I guess there is the whole bulimia thing but as far as my body image, I think I have an average, fairly normal body but I strive for near perfection.  I want my body to be the best that it can be and I believe that I can get it to that point and sustain it.

Counseling? HELL NO! I WON'T GO!!

She wasn't all intervention style or anything, the conversation was dropped.  I guess I'm just sensitive to this kind of talk because it's my mother, I hear her talk about fat here and there and the next thing I know I'm in front of a mirror pinching at myself from every which way.  It's me, not her.

In other news, she made this veggie soup deliciousness for dinner last night.  She was so excited to be cooking something for me, it was cute.  She showed me what she put in it and what she intentionally kept out of it because she knows I won't eat it.  Some kind of bullion that's fat-free and vegan, all the veggies in the world, no corn, potatoes or noodles.  It was pure veggie goodness with extra nutrients because it was made with love. 

One of my New Years Resolution is to be more appreciative of my mom, as you have read in the last 2 post, she does a lot for me and I often take her for granted.  How can I treat the person that does the most for me the worst?  I've got to change.  I've got to be a better version of me.

I'm contradicting myself in this post aren't I?

Freewriting clears my mind.

Ya well, beats homework or cleaning...

And the world is right again.

My phone the iPhone 3GS.  (he-EY! Do a little dance, make a little call, let's text tonight!)

That's right, I am whole again and upgraded and graduated, I even got to keep my same number.  The girl that helped us at ATT was super nice and helpful despite the fact that it was near closing time by the time she was helping us. (cheers to the good samaritans that pop up in my life, may there be many more!) (LUuuuuuuuuv the good samaritans!!)

I know I complain a lot about my mom on this bloggity blog but she really is wonderful.

(And I'm a bratty only child and I gots ta vent yall! It's my daughterly duty, I'm convinced.)

(Well, I convinced myself.)

(Whatever.)

Anyway, I was really trying to just fix my little phone drama and not have to involve my mom so that I wouldn't inconvenience her because, hello, I was the dumbass that lost her iPhone and thus must suffer the consequence and expenses. But I'm on her plan (it's cheaper) so I would have to do it all online.  And do you know what this wonder person said?

"Just let me know when you need me."

It's crazy that everybody* in Vegas was so sad for me that I lost my phone.  What sweethearts, right? (They also know how attached I am to mu-bay-beh) My mom was saying the other night that one of the other girls that went to Vegas was saying how well I took the whole thing, that I didn't let it bring me down and was still staying positive and bringing light to the situation.

My attitude: I did what I could to find it, there's nothing more so why dwell and ruin the night/weekend? And when I get home I will get an iPhone and will distract myself away from my bank account and focus on something shiny and new!!  Things will work out.

My point in blogging this is that it's a change in me.  I wasn't always this way, there was a time when I would let it ruined everything.  In the past I don't know how long I've really tried to be a more positive person and it's a really hard thing to change but the longer you work at it the easier it gets.  This weekend was proof of that, a test of sorts (I'd give myself a B).  It's proof that I am making progress.  Progress is motivating me to continue on this road to the land of optimism.  The ability to let the past be and look towards the future is priceless.

In other news, I didn't eat bad this weekend (Remember alcohol has no calories!) (Denial. I like it.) but when I got home and spent the night alone and in the dark (power out) and cut off from all of civilization (iPhone) I did binge.  It was terrible and I have no idea how many calories but it wasn't all crazy like, it was just Too Much.  I took laxies (tsk-tsk) but in my defense I was a little constipated. And today I weighed in at 117.5 pounds which is about normal these days.

Though I am glad that I have been able to maintain this weight (which is dot, dot, dot okay) I'd like to be losing.  What is more important than losing to me is that I am [relatively] healthy (as in not bald with decaying teeth) but the MOST important is that I stop purging.  My period has yet to return (and should it come back, will not be greeted with open arms).

I'm not counting Saturday night when I was Near Death (I'm ashamed and embarrassed of this) and Shoving my fingers down my throat to get the alcohol out of me.  There wasn't any food in me anyway which is what got me so shit-faced in the first place.  My brain had checked out at that point anyway so it wasn't even A Decision, just instinct or something.  I woke up with a thousand apologies and thank you's (for taking care of muh-self induced [but not on purpose] alcohol poisoned ass) and put a happy face on to a new day.

Y'know how I was saying we got a limo?  We walked out the wrong door and asked if cabs come through this way and this limo driver said that he would take us for $30 cuz he knows 6 of us would have to take 2 cabs.

(And we're cute and fun and wearing boa's.)

Here's a little snippet of my mom.

Mom: Driver, what's your name?
Driver: Johnny.
Mom: Thanx Driver!

My family is funny like this, it wasn't a joke it was pure ditziness, though my mom is smart, she just says things sometime that are like ...??.

*Btw, it was my mom's best friends daughter whose 21st birthday it was.  She actually wanted to go to Vegas with us all (my mom, my 2 aunts, her mom and mom's friend and b-day girl brought a friend) (oh yeah, and me. I played softball with b-day girl and friend for a couple season this past year) They are old but young (think OC housewives (and we live close to OC so this totally fits) but more realistic and more maybe pg-13 as in not trying to get naked ~ somewhere in between Vicki and Jeana...it frightens me to think of how they would be if they looked like Tamra or Gretchen though!)

My mom even took care of me (she was the one that bought me a double shot of Patron AND made me a vodka drink in the room that I'm sure is what kicked my ass up, sideways and down, down, down...) and she didn't judge me or lecture me or anything, she just gave me ibuprofen in the morning, a glass of water and asked if I was feeling better.  I guess she figure the previous night was punishment enough and she knows how hard I am on myself and embarrassed and she even told me that she was proud of me that I was woman enough to apologize and kept my spirits up.  It's just not cool to be a Debbie Downer, it effects the spirit of the whole group.

Best. Mom. EVER!

Hypothetically (or real-letically?), how would your parent(s) handle the situation?  How would YOU handle the situation? (whether it be with the phone and/or the Drunken Debacle)  Have you gone through some sort of life test and realized that all your effort in changing your attitude (or whatever) has more or less paid off?

Once upon a Vegas weekend...

Nevermind.  No juicy stories.  Just bullets.

Things I learned this weekend.

• Taxi drivers are not as helpful after they find out that you've puked in their cab.
• It cost $40 more for said puke.
• A person near death from alcohol poisoning will not eat a banana.
• Logic is not applicable when severely panicky and frustrated over a lost iPhone.
• The Apple Store will let you use their iPhones and internet.  They open at 10 on Sundays but are there at 8:30 doing inventory and cleaning.
• Losing phones is contagious. (3 stories.  2 good samaritans (<--I like this word.) and 1 lost iPhone. Sad face.)
• Casinos will not use their security cams for an iPhone, even if you carefully explain how it is a part of your soul and later threaten to sue for shortening your life span. They are immune to quivering lips, puppy dog eyes and the like.
• Apples and raw almonds do not qualify as "real food" to people I know.
• Penny Poker is the Bees Knees when you wanna make $5 last and get a little tipsy.
• Proud sponsors of cuteness: Kohl's, Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe.
• Boa's are fun.
• Black boa's cause black pits and neck. (all of which will not be found out until the morning.)
• Yelling out of a car window "You have a nice rack!" will get you the finger, as in the bird, not laid and lucky.  Sorry buddy, you failed suave 101.
• Just because they make it in your size, doesn't make it right.
• Good samaritans do exist but a bad one has my iPhone.
• Limo drivers will offer their services in lieu of cab for 6 lovely ladies (one wearing a Birthday Girl crown).
• Nobody cards you from the day you turn 21 and thereon out. (Sorry Sam)
• Losing your iPhone is more expensive and inconvenient than losing your purse.

Vegas hates me.

Or life does.

Or alcohol.

Any which way you wanna spin it, there is a common denominator haunting this sad, sad equation.

Recappin' and Packin'

I started school this week and I'm loving the change.  I'm driving all over southern california for these classes to reduce the stress of the dreaded waiting list and I am so glad I did, more and more people who are registered for classes are actually showing up (cue: gasp).

I'm loving my Guidance class, my teacher is amazing (I already knew this going into it because I had her last semester).  This tall, loud and smiling black woman who is always laughing and telling us stories (stories with a moral), she's completely candid and some might describe her as weird but to me, she's wonderful.  I feel lucky just to have crossed paths with her in my life, it feels as though I'm doing something right.  This semester the feeling towards her hasn't changed but I do feel similarly to my Psychology teacher.

Ms. Jack Jill of all trades, she's been a college professor since she was 22 (now in her early 50s) and while she was professoring, she danced on Soul Train, went to design school (and worked in the field but is now a consultant), she's involved in bettering the faculty at our school and is currently taking an AutoCAD class.  My Guidance teacher is also going to the White House and things to help out our school and the growth of teacher styles to better help students learn.

I love this.  To me, it is so inspiring.  These women are evolving and continually learning and trying to make a difference.  They are in their 50's but their spirits are young, they have energy and it's obvious when you are in their presence that they love what they do.  I want this kind of tenacity and passion when I have a career-no, I take it back, I want this type of tenacity and passion in Life.  They are doing what they love, they are good at it and they get paid for it.

My Guidance Teacher says that you should do what you love and the money will just come.  I choose to believe in this.  I'm still working on finding this special little niche in me so that I can nurture this little skill and/or talent and let it blossom into a beautiful garden! Or whatever. Poetry is obviously not the niche.

And then there are the other two classes.  My English teacher gives me hopes of becoming a better writer, she's a little...kooky, scatter brained perhaps?  But her class is demanding and force me to step up my "game" (or lackthereof), I'd really love to become a better writer, maybe one day I'll even write a book.  (It's been a secret dream of mine since I was very young, I've always loved reading and books!)

My math teach is a stereotypical Japanese man, his eyes disappear when he smiles and he smiles often.  His class was yesterday and boy, oh boy was I ever frustrated!  I didn't get there in time to sit in the front, so there I was squinting & squirming, bobbin' n' weavin', standing and sitting to see the board and decipher through his teeny weeny writing and heavy accent.  It reminded me of being in a Catholic Church in Mexico.

(Except he wasn't damning me to hell with the evil eye because I was chewing gum.)

(I don't think.)

(His eyes are pretty small and I wasn't wearing my glasses.)

But that's neither here nor there, I suppose.  Looking over the syllabus for his class, I think this will be review of last semester with an extra twist, so I'm hoping that with the book, last semester notes and maybe getting a study buddy or visiting the schools math center, I can manage an A in the course.

(Fingers crossed.)

Week 1 done!

It's party time!  Literally, partytime in Sin City (that's Las Vegas, for all you who live under a rock).  My mom's friends daughter is turning 21.  She's super cute, very charismatic and it should be tons of fun!  If I can just get over myself and insecurities.  My mom tried pepping me up a bit last night with the whole you're beautiful and tiny and just be yourself and you'll shine like the Super Fantastic Person you are.  (Aaaawwwww, a mothers eyes, it's even more flattering than Beer Goggles.)  And I gotta admit her little booster babble kinda worked a little.

I'm still super nervous though. I'm not perfect yet!! I'm not ready for the world to see me!!!

Which is a ridiculous way to think.

Lying to yourself, that's where it's at.  (At least before you go out.)

Okay.  I must pack.

Don't be surprised if there is another post today.  I'm a procrastinator and packing is not what I would consider a Fun Activity.

5 hours to fix myself up, pack and run errands.

GO!

...I'm still here...I'll just mosey on...over here and over to your place to read some blogs....

P.S. I'm a fatty.  Must. Get. Skinny.

P.P.S.  still haven't purged. Today will be the 37th day. (Yippety-Yiy-Yay!)

10 things.

Oh wow could I be anymore depressing? Why yes, yes I can but that's not the point, the point is I can make a choice not to be.  That last post was such a downer!  I have to post again and not leave on such a negative note.  There is most definitely a silver lining damnit!  How am I going to move forward and progress if I keep giving attention to all the small negative happenings in my life?

Today is day 31 of not purging!! I survived the holidays (mostly, Thanksgiving notsomuch) and when filled to the brim and presented with the opportunity to fail or proceed, I chose to proceed!  I have stumble but I have not fallen.  I will succeed.  In everything that I set my mind to I will succeed.

I set the Wii bowling record, I can do anything.

Duh.

Things are going to go my way because I'm going to put my attentions and effort towards my goals.

A quick list: Steps to progress.  I realize it's going to take time, as much as I'd like to wiggle my nose or rub a lamp and have things happen magically, that's just not gonna happen.


...for awhile.

I walked under a ladder once.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Sigh.


Until then it's baby steps for me!

Limbo

I want my blog to be great.  I want it to be funny, clever, smart, inspiring and insightful.  I want each and every post to be better than the last.  I want to progress.  I want you all to like me.

Above all, I want this blog for myself.  I want to write this blog to be unapologetically me and guess what, I'm not always funny, clever, smart, inspiring or insightful, I just get lucky every now and again.  I'm not always better today than yesterday.  I'm not always progressing.  And not everybody is going to like me.

This pressure of my wants make blogging really difficult sometimes.  When I type with this pressure my posts are contrived and often deleted.

It's the curse of being a perfectionist without the perfect.

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I got it outta my system!

Now.

The past week has been a little weird.  Something is not lining up in the universe and funky.  On Wednesday I binged and was seriously considering just starting over on the streak.  But I didn't.

Flushed - 1, Ed - 1.

On Thursday my friend came over and we killed 2 bottles of wine (Plum Wine is what dreams are made of, btw, just in case you weren't In The Know) and had a nice little visit, love her.  I'm really excited/flattered that she wants me to design her save the date and wedding invitations!  This is where the whole perfectionist minus the perfect eats at me but damnit Flushed! You have to learn how to deal with pressure and let go because that's when I'm at my best.  When I let go of the potential judgment and let things happen.  So, hopefully I will come up with something that is nearly as amazing as she and her fiance (also a great friend of mine!)

When she left, I don't know what happened. I lost it, it was me and my mom and we got in heated discussion and it ended up with me balling my eyes out.  Basically,  I hate myself and need to be perfect in order to love myself and the judge of that perfection is if I think my mom perceives me as perfect.  Of course she says she thinks that I am perfect and all that.  But, of course I still bawled and cried on about being a horrible daughter and I'm so sorry that I tell you that I think you hate me despite everything you do for me (and, trust, she does A LOT for me)...AND how I'm negative and try so hard not to be but the negativity continues to show it's ugly face and I hate it and I hate myself and I wonder if it's really worth fighting.

She told me that I'm fighting myself.

True.

Also, (you're gonna think I'm A Crazy Person now) that there is something I'm not letting go of.

It's like some dark secret that's fueling some of this anger and darkness inside of me.  I want to let it go but it's too heavy to lift.  I want to expose it, empty it but it is locked and I don't have the key.  This sounds crazy even to me but it's there, I know it's there, I can feel it's weight.

Flushed - 2, Ed - 2.

It's so frustrating how the good will not exceed the bad.  I have a good night with my friend and am feeling great and then it turns in the opposite direction and I wake up with puffy eyes.  I binged and was feeling horrible ready to throw 28 days away and I woke up bloated but stronger.  I'm stuck in limbo, never hitting rock bottom and never reaching the stars.  I'm limited in good and in bad.

I went to lunch yesterday with the fam and ate my weight in bread, I was afraid to get on the scale for the second morning this week.  Terrible! 

Tough week.

Next week I start school, I'm looking forward to the change of momentum.

Things will get better.

I will persevere.

Fun but not Fun-Fun.

Last night I hung out with my friends.  They are engaged and just bought a house.  Her sister was over.  He has an 8 old little girl.  We watched UFC then played wii.

Hmmm... on wii... Maybe...
a.)  May.Be.  They let me win.
b.)  May.Be.  I rock.
c.)  May.Be.  I have beginners luck.

But any which way you spin it, I walked outta there a champ!


Who the champ?


Me the champ.

Good times.


(Also, there MAY or may not have been alcohol involved.)


WARNING: Rant! I'm not even sure it will make sense.

(...oh wait-not making sense really isn't anything new and different to this blog now, is it?)

Whatevs.  I shall rant on.


In other (uninteresting) news:  I've accomplished nothing today unless you count catching up on this latest craze of Jersey Shore that has been sweeping the nation.  Wow.  Maybe I'm just getting old but what a waste of time the show was... actually, what is it with this TrainWreck Television?  It use to be just Jerry Springer but now it's everywhere.  All these reality shows that show people at their absolute worst, really America?  That's what the demand is?  This is what you want to watch?  And the people on these shows, I can't understand why one would subject themselves to these reality shows that are pretty much aimed at hoping to capture people at their worst moments.  Are you really that starved for attention?

They keep making these shows because obvy, there is a high demand for them.  Why?  Does watching these people make us feel better about ourself?  Justify our own embarrassing moments and making them seem so little and obscure?  Probably.  But at the same time isn't that making it seem sort of okay?  We can laugh about and say,  "oh yeah, it was terrible--remember the [insert trashy reality show here] when [insert crazy/embarrassing/dramatic moment here]--yeah, that was totally me! Hahaha!" Or something.  It's changing the standards of our behavior and social norms.  We now have a standard for what fun is, fun is wild, crazy nights getting drunk and making Bad Decisions.

I know these things happen in real life.  There are stories-correction, there were stories, reminiscing on the highlights of a night from the storytellers perspective and like all stories, we use what imagination we have to compile the stories and fill in the blanks-but now, now we have filmed footage.  Replay after replay of the episodes, commercial after commercial, in magazines, on the news, talked about on tv/radio shows and with our friends...it's everywhere and now, we are basically numb to it.  Some of us are even bored with, we've seen it all and networks are fighting, feigning to get that next clip to be even more shocking!  Let's see the good girl go bad!  Let's put her in an environment with party people being outrageous and hope to watch her conform!

We think we had a fun night, a crazy night, a [insert superlative here] night and then we reference our oh-so-loved reality shows and compare.  Well, it wasn't that crazy.  Tonight we'll take it further, like the reality show and then look back and say I was wild and crazy because, well, I'm pretty tamed when I compare myself to the "real" people on TV.

Each of us has standards for ourselves.  So we may stick our fingers down our throats but why?  Because we want Perfection, the perfection like the women on TV, Movies, Magazines...etc. and we are desperate for it, so desperate we will go to extremes.  But we don't tell anybody we stick our fingers down our throats now do we?  No, because we have standards for what the world perceives of us.  If they had reality show after reality show of actual footage of people sticking their fingers down their throats do you think our perception of it would change?  Don't you think society would become numb to it?  Even consider it themselves.  The girls on TV do it, all of them are still functioning, it's gross but it washes off and she still goes through her life looking good, she went to the movie awards and is in magazines looking so glamourous and... hell, why not give it a try?

And then there will be more and more shocking footage as more and more people on more and more reality shows have more and more shocking footage and more and more people will be doing, to be edgy, to get that attention.

I will be the wildest party girl.
I will be the most bulimic bulimic.

Or whatever.

Our society that loves competition and being the best of the best or the worst of the worst and let's face it, it's easier to be the best at being the worst-the most contraversial.

And the "regular" people continually compare themselves with the black (that's getting blacker) and the white (that's getting whiter), the high and lows-the standard.

How about all the talk of Louie Vuitton?  Jimmy Choos? Vera Wang wedding gown?  All over the media and we want one just like it.  Suddenly 100 dollars on a purse or on shoes really isn't that expensive because we know somebody is spending 1,000, despite the gap in salary.  (Charge it!!)

(And we wonder why our economy is flailing about?  People want to live like what they see on TV! Standards are no longer Leave it to Beaver and The Brady Bunch...MTV Cribs! The Real World! Whatever is stratigically promoted in music/music videos!)

(Live for today! Be Fabulous! Charge it! Worry about the bills....later, they only ask for $50 of that $2,000 this month, don't they?)

Does seeing the 650 pound++ PEOPLE (as in more than one or a few...) on TV not raise the standard of what we think is humongous? Obese?  The 170 or 350 pounder feels much better about themselves once they see that they can go up and down the stairs-they aren't that bad, they are a "healthy" 350 pounds.  Lie.  Keep watching.  Keep feeling better about yourself Mr or Mrs Obese, if you ever get that bad you can just get Gastric Bypass!

Does seeing the skinny (and getting skinnier) actressES on TV are normal, right?  That's the majority, ALL these stars are "normal" and "healthy," they are not like Lindsey Lohan or Nichole Richie or any of those other anorexic and emaciated looking celebrities that are plaster all over the magazines COVERS EVERY TIME you go to the store or turn on the tv--they look normal, all the actresses are like that--but those ones have gone too far.  The others just "diet," right?  Normal.

Many people don't suspect us to be eating disordered, to be bulimic or anorexic unless we resemble what they've seen labelled on the cover of Star Magazine.  We are just dieting.  Normal, right?  Nobody worries until they see the bones in our cheeks and sunken in eyes.  WE don't even consider ourselves "normal" until we've reached what the actresses look like.  Normal is not our friends/peers but what the media shows us, hell, our friends sometimes think that's normal too.


Some people accept and others strive.  Some of us yearn to be what we see in the media and others use it as a tool of justification to make ourselves feel better.  The difference?  Standards.


My mom has a damn radar for flaws, she's a problem solvers so this is what she seeks.  She sees me and says I'm "skinny," "all bony" and I "look great!" but if I point out, these shorts don't look right because my legs are too fat...she'd probably agree that I need to try on some different shorts.  I take this as, "I'm fat!" because I've seen these shorts look amazing on girls on tv/mags and if I lose weight they will look better.  My mom will say, that's just your body, "you look great, you have such a cute, tiny figure and the shorts are just wrong."

A mothers eyes.  Her daughter is beautiful.  She has seen her daughter at a high and now (again) at her low.  Her daughter is thinner than her cousins and nobody would describe her daughter fat.  She is normal, skinny compared to the high and family.

A daughter looks in the mirror.  She sees the fat that her mother basically agreed with when suggesting a different pair of shorts.  She wants to be perfect, in her mothers eyes, in her own.  She hears her mother words describing the other girls (her boyfriends daughters and their friends), the are so skinny and slim-they look great in anything! Running around in their bikini's with not an ounce of fat on them! So cute and sweet. I didn't even take my cover-up off the hole time! Ugh, I know I need to lose weight. She sits in a way that will make her seem less fat.  She tugs at her shirt uncomfortably when she's around smaller people.  She compares herself to others.  These girls are not on TV but they sure do look like the ones who are.  But they are normal girls, right?  I am bigger, fatter.  I am not normal.  I need to lose weight.

But when she see her daughter-her dieting daughter, her daughter who throws up her food when she eats too much and thinks that she is fat and ugly when she "looks great"- she doesn't realize that she is not only looking at a version of herself mirrored but also of society.


I am a product of society, it's true, but just because "this is our culture" and this is what is "normal" doesn't necessarily mean that it is right or that I agree with it.  The media is doing so much more harm than good.

From what I see, my mother provided the hunger for this perfection that I seek but society provided the standard.

I am the product of my environment ~ my mother, society, the media, everything that I see, I hear....I come into contact with and take in ~ this is where I set my standards, where I see my black and white, justifying my grey.

(My mom did teach me about money & debt though-thank gawd! ...well, the hard way for her, but in the end, she led by example, I learned, I followed and that's what matters!)


(did not proof read.  I added pictures instead...)

Happy New Year! And stuff.

WOW!  You lovely ladies are oh-so-wonderful!

Have I ever told you that I love you!! Non-creepily, of course.


...Why does that sound so familiar...whatever I'll say it again!


I [non-creepily] love you!!!

Today is day 23.  I didn't really have the urge, habit and opportunity almost took me I went to the grocery store and the voice, the feeling was so faint it was easily ignored.  I walked out of the store with healthy stuff!

ED - 0, Flushed - 1.

My friend (yes, friend, I just don't have any close ones) said that she was gonna have people over but turned out she wasn't much in the mood for celebrating (her mom died just this month) so I spent the evening at home with the TV and testing out my new gadget I got for christmas.  It really wasn't that bad as long as I kept my thoughts on it being just another night.

(Day 23!)

ED - 0, Flushed - 2.

Many of you commented that the lack of friends is probably due to my ED and I think you are sooooo right! (I'm mean really, how faboo am I! I'm totally friend-worthy!) (and conceited....hmmmm.)

(Wait- you know that was all sarcasm right? I was trying to be funny. Fun-ceited?)

(Fail.)

Whatever, who doesn't have a friend who is constantly putting their foot in their mouth?  (Call me if you don't, I can totally fill the spot.)

I thought back while perusing my contacts, all the numbers that are no longer in use.  It was me being a flake.  Being uncomfortable in my skin-my fat skin-and declining invitations.  I have shut anybody out who has tried to befriend me because I'm afraid of calories. (Is there a phobia for that?)

I think of all the lame excuses that I tell myself:
I don't have anything to wear ~> I don't go shopping because I hate looking in the mirror and seeing clothes not fit me the way I want them too, in the size that I want them to.
I'm on a budget ~> Pretty much goes to the last excuse and also the calories that come with drinking/eating.
I'm tired ~> Hah! Never too tired to party! (If I'm feeling cute and confident, that is.)
I have homework to do ~> Really? I can't spare an hour for fun? No, no I'm much to busy staring at a blinking and unmoving cursor, reading blogs and flipping through the television...glancing at my books and headed for the kitchen...

This eating disorder sucks all the energy of me, I'm so busy being anxious about food and calories and how my body is all wrong.

The acne doesn't help either.  In fact, any energy I had left that could go to motivating me to get out Acne sucks it dry.  Actually, speaking of the devil (Acne = Devil) it started kind of clearing and I was feeling pretty good and then yesterday....I could feel it growing. (I know, disgusting, right?) (thank gawd for make up!!)  I'm convinced that all that goes on with my body stems from food and my diet, so I want to try cutting back on the salt (big-time, I LOVE salty food...) and see if my body feels better.  I'm pretty sure I have rosacea and cystic pimples on my cheeks and it was getting better and then BAW, not anymore.

I really thought that it was stress before, okay-yes, it is stress but I really think my super high sodium intake plays a major role because after I see it getting worse I STRESS DOUBLY MORE!!  It's ridic.

Back to it being day 23.
It's exciting but it's also a struggle, it's like every step you take you never know when the ground will falter and you will stumble to one.  I mean, you do and you don't.  I went 76 days and fell and it was so hard to get the momentum back again, it was work and I had to persist and every time I purged, I had to try and let it go and look forward and it was hard but now I'm on day 23 and the holidays are over.

It's empowering to think that I made it through the Christmas treats, that I didn't have to eat 5 slices of pie, 12 cookies and then damn it all to hell and go for the choco cake and the dip and the other pie...I enjoyed my splurges and I let it go and stopped.  Unlike the greedy bastard that Mia turns me into.  I even went an entire weekend away and survived it swimmingly and then a week of anxiety about one night alone and I conquered that ish too.

                                                I haven't puked.

                                                                              I haven't starved.

                                 And I haven't gained.

                                                                                                                      Amazing.

In 2010 I plan to take it one day at a time, as I have been.  Taking care to make sure my body gets what it needs (fruits/veggies/PROTEIN!) to help stave off those nasty urges to ruin my teeth, gain weight, have puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes, sore throat, an empty pantry, a puke smell, guilt and self-loathing. One day at a time.

In 2010 I will reach my goal weight of 110 pounds and I will reach it sans bulimia (as stated) and before I have to wear a bikini.

Our bodies are such interesting specimens.  I've maintain the weight of today for the past couple months or so but my body has since changed.  It will gain and lose weight quickly but something different happens when you maintain that weight. It's like those people who move from place to place, never really unpacking, never truly settling, always anticipating the next move.  Our bodies are efficient and adaptable and will try and roll with the punches, think about it, we've been eating trans fat for how long?  You know that's basically plastic, right?  Yeah.  And, while bugs and insects won't touch the stuff, our body will digest it.  Adaptable.

Well, I feel like my body is settling at this weight and reshaping itself.  I've been getting compliments (finally!) on my weight-loss and how I've trimmed down through my hips (MAJOR problem area!) and I now fit into my "goal" jeans.  These "goal" jeans are more like mini-goal.  They are size 27 Guess jeans, slim fit and they fit me perfectly now, slide on and button up no problem, no pudgy peaking over or anything~like a glu-UV!  A size 7 is acceptable for my body, in the sense that I should never be more than a size 7 and for these jeans to fit me so right...YES!  Starting 2010 at a decent size and I will be THIN by bikini time.

But for 2010...Size 7? No.  Maybe a size 3?  I dunno, I'll take a size at a time.

My BMI is like super gross. At 118 pounds it's a 20.9.  Sucks. 19 point something will be good. :)

Miss Burton asked me what happened to theElectrician, well, I basically kept blowing him off cuz of fat issues and he stopped trying.  He was nice and everything but... he didn't really do it for me, y'know?  I didn't like him like that. (Read: He didn't turn me on.) And KOO-DOSE to you for reading all my posts!! Wow, what a rollercoaster!  I'm so flattered!  I'm taking an English class this semester so hopefully my writing will improve...can articulation be taught?  (I don't think I even used that right....crap! It's gonna be a long semester.)

Ladies you are WONDERFUL!!!!  I do consider you all my friends (that's sounds creepy, huh?) whatevs ~ You all have a friend in California!! (Me.)

This past month or so has made me realize something more about how I've come to be the way that I am.  My mother.  I love this woman with all of my heart but good lord she drives me crazy disordered!  I'm hard on myself and somewhat of a perfectionist because of this woman.  No matter what favor I do her if there is a flaw in it or it is not what she expected she will point out the flaw. First.

Example:

I clean the house.  "You didn't get any wrapping done today?" She asks nonchalantly after announcing that she is home.

I'm putting the ribbons on the gifts she is taking to her boyfriends grandkids.  "Hurry, I'm running late.  You didn't take the casserole out of the oven! Great.  It's probably burnt on the bottom."  ("I was busy putting ribbon on YOUR gifts!"yeah, I said it and it was all laughed off cuz I'm sarcastic like that and she realized she was putting everything on me and said thank you and hug-hug, kiss-kiss.)

My mom is great, she really is and we really do have a good relationship but she doesn't realize the things that she does and has done all my life.  She doesn't realize the first thing out of her mouth is negative, she will say that she was "just making a comment."  Woman please keep your comments light and nice and NOT point out flaws, congratulations you spotted the flaw but chances are the person who flawed noticed too, look towards was done right.

My Mom is very loving and smart but also extremely socially naive and unaware of herself and the effects of words and tone.  And insecure.  I really wish I didn't follow her example so much but what else can you do when you are an only child and you wish for love/affection/attention from one woman.  At least I somewhat recognize where  I am following in her footsteps and with the recognition grants me the power to change it (in myself, of course).

Try, try and try again.

                                          With bulimia.

                               With my flaws.

          With my life.