Look Ahead

Yesterday was shit, I'm pretty sure I ate all of the West Coast I think I ate over 1900 calories.  Okay, so maybe not all of the west coast but I had already weighed in that morning at 121 pounds or some kind of monstrousity like that and so today: 123.5 pounds.

Shoot me.

Okay, I know it make not seem outrageous and I'm sure that water weight and food just laying around in my intestines might factor in but it's still a number that I'm not comfortable with.  I've been averaging 117-119 pounds, I really doubt that 5-7 pounds is not poop and water.  Again, ever since Vegas I've been eating, eating, eating and not really the good stuff, I got addicted to stupid protein bars and lacking the veggies and eggwhites, I've been exercising even less than I was before- since before Thanksgiving I make it a point to at least to [cheater] push-ups, sit-ups and lunges everyday (or at least not skipping 1 day)...Bad News Bears.

5-7 pounds Bad News.

So this was yesterday:

Breakfast

• Almonds (~12)
• Pure Protein Bar
• Roasted Peanuts and some Peanut M&Ms (I NEVER eat this type of food)
• 1 Naan bread (These things are TERRIBLE, again, NEVER eat these)

Lunch

• Eggwhites (100c)
• Large Apple
• Almonds (8)

"Snack" (it was suppose to be dinner)

• Starbucks Dark Cherry Parfait

Dinner (wasn't suppose to happen)

• Baked Sweet Potato
• Baked Eggplant
• Eggwhites (100c)
• Pumpkin (280c)

The past 2 weeks have not been much better.  Where is my discipline?  My drive?  My desire to be thin?  There has been no evidence in the past 2 weeks that I have any desire whatsoever to lose weight.  I'm disgusted with myself.  I justified these by saying that my body needed this or that and I even pulled the 49 days of no purging I so deserve this!  I told myself that tomorrow I will be better and tomorrow I say tomorrow...well, tomorrow needs to turn into TODAY!

I think a big reason that I've been bingeing is that at school between Guidance and English, they are really forces me to be out and honest with myself but more than that, with my teacher and even with my class ("it may be personal but it's not private") and it's really hard.  I'm really private and self conscious and making decisions based on others opinions/expectations instead of my own because then if I'm judged or it didn't work out... well, it wasn't my decision.  I'm such a dreamer and I have such high expectations and I'm a perfectionist... and I'm afraid of being judged and of failing.  Intellectually, I know that I should just be the best version of me but it's just not a habit.  YET! :)

In other news, despite my horrible binge episode I did do some exercise.  My mom and I were watching TV and I did my usual, cheater push-ups, sit-ups and lunges and then. Back in my Mom's "hayday" she was in karate, she would do tournaments and things.  In karate there are these things called "kat-thas" (sounds like, I don't know how to spell it) and they are basically like a little routine of punches, blocks, kicks and other karate things.  Out of the blue I just asked my mom if she still remembered them, I guess this is what she does when she works out in the pool (I wondered how she could spend so much time alone working out in the pool) and I asked her if she would teach me one.

Last night I learned the basic punches and blocks and the stance. It was actually fun and I think it was really fun for my mom too.  She even said that I was really easy to teach too, so I asked her if she would continue to teach me whatever she remembers (it's been years since she was in karate- this was pre-Flushed).  I'm looking forward to it, it's fun and different, it gives us a little bonding time and we're both working out! Hellooo sexy arms and sum-mokin' legs! (my mom's legs are super muscley and sexy)

I feel like we're months into the year already.  Today is the 28th day of 2010.  Doesn't seem like very much does it?  And its not.  It's still the beginning of the year, 2 months until Springtime which is plenty time to lose some el bees and look fab in a spring dress!!  I think lent is coming up to, I'm not religious but I can pretend to do a little Catholic challenge and give up something for 40 days.  And THEN it will be bikini time, well, jacuzzi time unless we heat the pool which isn't likely to happen in this economy, conservativity is where it's at!