I still don't want to play the game of Life but apparently there is just no way around it (since dying requires actual effort for me and I'm clearly a sloth so effort is out of the question).
I'm not all Rocky punching skies with "eye of the tiger" playing in the background but my eyes are a little more open today, my breathing a little more steady and the thought of class and not having my assignments done doesn't send me into tears...wait...no, no tears. So this is a step in the right direction.
I saw that I lost a follower, I try not to pay attention to the number but I did and noticed it's one less. And then it occurred to me how depressing my blog has been since... well, long enough for a person to go through all the trouble it takes to find my blog from a long list of blogs and hit the trash can (it's efforty). Long enough for somebody to be like, Damn, this girl is not bouncing back. This is not just a slump-positivity and humor are out the window. I considered taking a short hiatus from posting until my brain starts thinking somewhat happy or hopeful thoughts again but then I reminded myself that I write this blog first and foremost for myself. My toilet of truth and I will continue to be honest with how I'm feeling. Some people have a clear purpose for their blogs like: "pro-ana" or "dieting" or even traveling but this blog's focus is me- through my ups and downs or just whatever I'm going through (or not going through) (going through requires effort.).
(I'm narcissist apparently)
This made me realize that I need to get myself out of this slump cuz the shit ain't doin on it's own. Life just gets worse if you don't play along (sadly, this kind of sounds appealing) (but wrong-I know it's wrong). I wasn't ever a happy person but at least at some point in this blog I was a work in progress.
I posted once saying that if you try then it means there is an inkling of hope/belief you might succeed, otherwise, why try, right? Well, I woke up this morning with an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny smidgen of hope that I can turn things around and be better. I also woke up with an insane headache too but that's neither here nor there I suppose.
"There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell upon it, the more life you give to that thought. Give it enough life, and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a great one."
-- Ralph Marston
"Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace."
-- James Allen
I'm so random, it's no wonder I'm having a hard time in English! Hippity Hop from one thought to the next with no clear path...
I love you all and thank you so much for your comments. Just being there, you are helping me. Zena, I read your blog and I'm so sorry your eyes caught my depressing post but I do appreciate your comment and it sort of put things kind of in perspective (as much as anything could penetrate my state of mind).
my darling,
ReplyDeleteIf the loss of his life can save but one then it was not lost in vain...you are very special and yes still funny regaurdless of what you are feeling. It wasnt your "depressing" post that caught my eye it was that I finally had a reason to speak..I follow you so I read ALL your posts...but this, this I could just could not hold my tongue on...lifes to precious my dear, so even if all you have right is the smallest inkling of hope then hold onto it as tight as you can...dont ever let it go...nurture it...and it will grow...it will take time but it will happen, i promise...I have been where you are, and even through this shit Im going through right now, I know life holds so much more for me (and you)! Hold tight...it WILL get better.
with gentle care
Tara
I'm glad you're seeing the an itsy bitsy glimmer of hope, it's some reason to get out of bed, right?
ReplyDelete& I love how you say you're "not all Rocky punching skies with 'eye of the tiger' playing in the background" because that by far is my go to song when I need a kick in the rear.
*It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight*....Already, I feel a little less sore and I'm ready to tackle my workout :)
ps - I think we're all narcissistic to a point & if we all should be constant works in progress, not consistently a work in progress, but I figure no one should ever really be done. we should all be striving for something, it can register a small impact on the world like losing weight or learning to love ourselves more or a larger impact as simple as being a better person.
I don't think you should be bothered by the loss of a follower. You are by far my favorite blogger. You and I are somewhat similar in ethnicity & age (half hispanic/korean & 26) so I can relate to you. Your mind flow offers a glimmer to a witty girl in there. I just realized I stated irrelevant facts. Go me.
ReplyDeletePoint is, I've only been following for a couple of weeks but there's nothing you could write - no matter how emo - that could stop me from reading.
don't be bother because of the loss of a blogger,maybe the one vanished completely from this place here? I love your blog,may the post be depressingmfunny or just random. it is you!=)
ReplyDeleteI am gald to see that you have found a tiny sparkle of hope again and wish for you it will strengthen and help you to reach your goals! :)