After that last post I set my laptop aside went to the restroom bent over the toilet stood back up and sat back down. That's right, I couldn't do it, it just wasn't worth it. I don't want bulimia, I can't fall into that spiral again. I'm already a whale, I don't need to turn into a Lochness Monster on steroids in a fur coat and spandex looking even bigger which is usually where bulimia takes me.
I went to my ADORABLE nieces mini birthday shindig (the big one is on Saturday) and tried to slap a smiley on my face but truth be told, I was a crankyton. I did a workout vid before I left and quiver me quads I am out of shape! I actually felt more bloated and huge after the workout thought I know it is worth it in the long run. But still, I was feeling gross and it made it easier for dumb things like losing my patience at the store because my mom is taking too long. But I could feel myself, and lemme tell, crankster don't feel good so I was trying to just relax and let it go! I mean REALLY what are we missing at a one year olds birthday party? Exactly. We weren't even late (which is surprising–we are Mexicans afterall).
AND THEN when we get to the mini party first thing I hear from Aunt Negatively Sarcastic is, "Oh. more balloons." with an eyeroll. I was irked, but I know she doesn't mean anything by it, it's just her personality (the woman is 'the glass is half full challenged'). I shook it off and made my way to find happy little niece who was not so happy because my sis was trying to get the other pigtail up (she iz SOW KEWTE!) so I have her laughing and my sis snaps at me to leave her alone.
I understand she was flustered, running around the past two days to prepare. She has a lot going on with the get together tonight and the big birthday bash on Saturday, I get it. It was me. I was sensitive and feeling unloved and unwanted and a huge blubbery waste of space. I took deep breathes and turned my attention towards my iPhone. I wanted to run out of there and cry (and pour myself a double of the hard stuff).
But I was determined not to let these minor nothings get to me and ruin my evening. Nobody likes a bump on a log and especially if that bump is my own self (I can't get away from this bitch!). So I chatted it up and changed my attitude. It was mighty efforty but by golly I dun it. And the night turned out to be pretty good.
MINUS the... Salad with cheese on it, too buttery breadsticks, ice cream cake and a small regular slice of cake. (And wine...but that's almost a given at this point XD).
I didn't go hog wild or even have that much of an urge to, really, which surprised me. But still, it was damage and I wasn't exactly thrilled with myself to say the least. So when we got home at half past 10 at night, I went for a walk. It was a short one but I did manage to break a sweat and I even stopped at the park and sprinted the basketball court. (I'm über fat and out of shape though so I only managed one touch the line set.)
But OMG, I exercised! Can you believe that shit!? Me neither.
The crazier part. I actually want to do it again tomorrow.
(I know right! Whoa.)
Thankies for all the comments! I was so excited! I forgot how awesome it was to receive comments! Woo! YOU LUV ME YOU REELIE LUV ME! Or you're just super bored. Either way....I'll take what I can get \m/
Kelly, I read on Google Reader too! I have an app that keeps my purge-free streak for me :) It sucks I had to start over, but I am really proud of the streaks I have gotten! I don't want purging in my life. Love the silver lining :) I kind of mucked it up (cake and all) BUT (silver lining) i DID exercise!
B. Hmmmmm....I haven't pinpointed the cause exactly....I think it's a lot of things all jumbled together. I tend to eat when I get worried or anxious or stressy....which is ALL THE TIME. (Curse you Flushed! I will rid myself of you! Mark my words!!!)
Kristal I posted. You're welcome.
(message me sometime! I need more laughs in my life!!!)
(laughs and awesomeness. I hear you have both....)
Alex YUSSS! I wish I was a little bit taller....I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl that look good I would call her. I wish--Oh sorry, I like that song. I can't wish without it ;)
Sar YES IT DOES! YES I WILL! ummm...tomorrow, today was an oopsies. But it is own like Donkey Kong! Or not, really, cuz that mofo is big and hair and of the male persuasion so....I'm in to be stick thin? ...I'll work on the catch case phrase....
Pasco I MISS YOU TOO!!!!
See You're a sweety :) like calorie free See's Candy! (I'm working on the catch phrases, bare with me. I have good intentions!)
Your family sounds mean :( I would have probably cried and left, so you're stronger than me! Good job babe :)
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you! I know the feeling, making the decision to stick your fingers down your throat, but in the end you wonder if its worth it?
ReplyDeleteEven thought it might suck, I hope you know you made the right decision. Stay strong and keep trying your darndest
yay! I'm proud of you too - attitude is everything right? It's awesome you put on a happy face and fought through it for the night - I promise if you keep working on it, the days get better, staying away from purging becomes a little easier as time passes.
ReplyDeleteI'd still call yesterday a success, it might not have been the original success you were looking for, but you certainly made some progress with yourself & that's wonderful!
That totes sounds like one of my family gatherings. Way to stay positive in all the chaos! I'm sure your niece appreciates it. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd congrats on the working out!!!
i love the second pic in this post. i SO want my body to look like that. (maybe one day...)
ReplyDeletegood job on the exercise, if you do a bit every day your body starts to crave it and its not as bad/hard to convince yourself to do it.
I am SOOOO proud of you for not turning to bulimia like that, even after all of that drama at the birthday party. That's seriously such an excellent thing, and i know it'll make you happier that way. And exercising! That's even more reason for me to be proud of you. Keep that up and i know you'll see some lovely results. Stay strong, darling.
ReplyDeleteWell done, it's so hard not to purge when you feel disgusted with yourself but at the en of the day it'll prob make little difference and you'll get back in that horrible spiral again. Don't sweat the over-eating, in small amounts your metabolism will probably deal with it, as long as you don't keep it up every day for weeks! Keep up the non-purging!x
ReplyDeleteThanks, I am hooked on yours too. You know I miss you when you go away.
ReplyDeleteHa! I've never thought of myself as a particularly good writer, at blogs at least. I just spew forth words. But thanks anyway!
We can be each other's life raft x