I guess one way of putting it would be to say that I feel empty of emotion. Nothing excites me, nor angers me; I am indifferent. I feel as though I am a shell of a person, I struggle to show emotion of any kind. I can disappear from Earth tomorrow and I'm sure it would take a month for anybody to truly notice (aside from my mom). I'm not only cut off from society, I am cut off from my own spirit.
I wonder why I do this to myself, not just the eating disorder, but all of it. I don't live, I simply exist. I am a guest star in the lives of others but I am completely disposable. The only time I do anything is when it is completely obligatory and dependent on others. If nobody calls on me, I do nothing. I try and fill the role I think they expect of me and then disappear from the radar again.
I think that maybe I got this eating disorder because I needed a friend, a distraction from the nothingness that has become of me. It's easier to just disappoint myself, I will always be there with me.
I am afraid to live in the world because I fear the world will reject me.
I'm on day 2 of this liquid fast and I've thought several times to just forget the whole thing and binge and purge because what am I even doing it for? Because I want to look good in a bikini? And for what, it's not like anybody will see me. It's not like I have anybody to share this body with. I am alone in the world and I teeter between being alone and fat or being alone and skinny because either way I am hallow.
I feel:
lost.
empty.
sad.
lonely.
ugly.
without purpose.
I have no energy. All I want to do is sleep because there is a potential for dreams in sleep and dreams are all I have to live for because my reality is empty.
I feel the same, empty, it often feels like I watch things
ReplyDeletefrom behind a glass wall, I am there but I'm not living it. It's a strange feeling.
Dreams
are often better than reality for me, if only I could sleep...
I think we must all feel like we don't matter to other people... I mean, I feel like I don't even matter to my husband sometimes, and if he doesnt notice me then who the heck will? I think thats why I started all this. I wanted control. Control and attention- like I want to get away with eating very little, but at the same time when nobody notices how little i eat, it makes me feel even more like I don't matter.
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling. It seems like we use our eds to prevent ourselves from feeling, but that lack of it.... is scary. At least for me.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautifully written. And i can completely relate. I'm on day 1 of my fast... We'll see if my senses are realy heightened later on I guess, but I kind of doubt it.
ReplyDeleteI am addicted to sleep. I nap during the day instead of going out because of my lovely dreams. Real life is not pretty.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel rejected by the world by being who everyone expects you to be, then what do you think would happen if you stopped and asked yourself who YOU want to be. Not just on the outside. Are you constantly disappointed in yourself because you feel like you have failed to meet the standards you assume the world has for you or because you've failed the standards you have for yourself? Being who you are shouldn't be hard, because self-confidence is the best defense against the world. The hard part is knowing who you really are and what you think of yourself instead of assuming how the world sees you and thinks of you.
ReplyDeleteI am searching for myself as well, so don't feel alone.
-Summer