Not All Right but Okay

In my group yesterday we read something about a girl detailing her experience of working at Abercrombie & Fitch.  We started talking crap about how rude they are there and one girl was saying that she once asked for a size 11 pant and the girl said, "We don't carry that big size here."  We all expressed our disgust at the rude comment.  In my mind I was thinking how I would never speak that size aloud, I won't even tell people I wear a size 7, I'm embarrassed of the number.

Onward with the crap talk, "Yeah, where is your restroom? You know, where you throw up all your food?" SizeEleven mocked. 

"Oh my gosh! I was at Disneyland yesterday and in the restroom I could hear the girl in the stall next to me gagging!  So gross! When she came out her eyes were all red." Another girl exclaimed, the group chimed in adding comments of disgust.  I stayed silent.  I just couldn't say anything,  I was distracted by my own discretions with my battle with bulimia.  85 days and fighting every. day.

One of the girls in the group in super thin, she eats junk food and I envy her.  I can't "snack" I can only gorge and thus have to distance myself from non-healthy food.  On one day of my 5 day binge I made a pizza and I was fine after 2 slices of pizza and I thought wow, I can stop right now.  But it was so good, just one more... and before I knew it the pizza was gone (it was less than 800 cals for the entire thing) (I have a habit of calculating calories for an ENTIRE package before I even open it for this specific reason).

It was weird being around people talking about puking, it reminded me of how I am not what I present to the world.  How heavy this secret is, the jiggly walrus in the room that only I am aware of.

In other news, I'm still going on the March Madness.  I bent the rules yesterday in the form of baby food (the bananas are to die for!!) but still managed to keep my calorie count below 750.  Yesterday, I skipped my first class and my second class (despite the 4 minutes of uncomfortable convo) went well, my group is really cool and I even got hit on by some dude in the hall which is a confidence booster.  And when I got home my sister and niece were over, my niece is the cutest little bundle of fun ever!  I'm not a kid/baby person but I love playing with that little girl, I can make her smile and laugh (this is not normal-this child is a happy one!), I love it!

During the day yesterday I was pretty down, today I feel better, rested.  I am hungry though,  I wonder if it's the lack of fat in my diet?  My joints are bothering me, they need WD-40 and when I get cold it feels like there is ice lodged in them.  

Better to bend the rules than break them.