More and more I'm thinking about bingeing and purging.
It all starts with a thought, as action tends to follow. I make mental notes when I look through the grocery store adds and calorie counts of the forbidden foods, today when I was at Panera I picked out the binge foods off the menu while I was in line for my coffee. It scares me when these thoughts creep back into my mind, I don't want to binge and I don't want to purge.
Not really anyway. I suppose what I really don't want is the aftermath, the weightgain, the depression, the endless cycle of misery, I'm not sure that I can isolate myself anymore than I already have but... I have a feeling I could. I even think about drinking too much, so much so that I puke, I'm still grappling with this idea and wondering if it really counts or not. Like if I do it by alcohol as opposed to fingers somehow that makes it more acceptable. People my age puke all the time when they've been drinking...
I want to think about being thin and healthy and happy.
2 days of liquid fasting and going on the third.
The fact that you're only thinking about it, as hard as that is, but not doing it...That, in itself, is a mini-victory. I like celebrating mini-victories.
ReplyDeleteGoing on the third day of a liquid fast is a HUGE victory, in my book. I long for your strength.
Keep it up, love. You're doing great. <3
your current weight is pretty low, and it seems to me like the not bingeing and purging is working really well for you! just look at the evidence and it will maybe reinforce that you're doing the right thing! I can't say that I can understand where you're coming from because I have never purged... but sometimes I want to so badly, after I've eaten too much! and that scares me, too!
ReplyDeleteyou've gone so long since purging, you can definitely do it. three days on a liquid fast, is so impressive! and don't you feel so much better and cleaner knowing all those massive amounts of bad foods aren't even touching your insides?
ReplyDeleteyou're so inspirational! keep it up!
more than likely your body will be a bitch and refuse to throw up no matter how much you drink thus because your mega wasted fingers down throat it is
ReplyDeletewell thats what happened to me
but eek i hope this stage passes quick right now i could so binge and purge a pizza (or 2)
keep away from vomit i know you can i remember ages ago you gave me a good piece of advice so here it is right back at ya
remember how horrible it is the smell, the taste, the feeling on your teeth, the shame the disgust, its not worth it
xx
Aw, sweetheart. I always have thoughts like that too, and then when i do end up binging, i remember, "oh yeah, it's not even possible for me to purge." Stay strong, darling. I know you can resist the nasty old purge!
ReplyDeleteLook at how much weight you have lost with ana! No need to binge and purge youre doing so well. What I do is tell myself that when I get to my goal weight (which I am far from currently) but when I do I will pick out one thing to eat guilt free as a reward. Focusing on that thought always helps me kick binging urges. Stay strong!
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