Eff You FATmerica! You are not my friend!

Monday morning weigh in was no bueno, a tell-tale sign that my consumption over the weekend (and if we're being completely honest here, 2010).  Saturday was really were I went bad, there was a ton of alcohol involved and a total binge, binges at my own house are one thing, there is all mostly healthy or dieters items, not so the case in my cousins house.

I ate almost an entire row of saltine crackers, at first with salsa and later with peanut butter... and a different kind of cracker (that I fail to identify)... and a banana.  About 5 slices of toast with butter (shoot me).  A small pizza crust (I took the pepperoni and cheese topping off).  A bowl of Cheerios with nuts and cranberries.

122 lbs.

Disgusting.

On a lighter note, yesterday to sort of make up for the bingetastrophy I had no solid foods.  Still I drank my calories, 5 protein shakes (b, l, d and a snack) and a Spicy V-8 which gave a calorie tally of 593.

I wasn't sure if I could pull this liquids only off, I've failed at home and being away gave a different set of problems.

Problemo #1:  A hangover.  When I woke up I drank a glass of water, a protein shake and more water while lying on the couch watching Mean Girls and trying to convince myself to get up and ready to hang with my cousin (and her friends) before the Super Bowl starts.  I figured I could start off with some coffee and move on to something alcohol with no food intervening and claim that I had eaten just before I left the house (hangovers are good for these types of excuses).  And if I was pushed to just order a house salad and pick at it (they are pretty much used to my weird eating ways...I'm a vegetarian and "from LA" so this is how they justify in their mind all my ways).

Problemo #2:  They decided not to go to where ever and invited me to lunch, "I think I need to go visit my dad" was responded with, "Good girl."   Food crisis averted. (Yes, I'm a bad daughter... but really, he's not really the greatest father so I think we kind of cancel each other out.  We both have good hearts and love each other, there is just somewhat of a language barrier and 400+ miles in between years of not knowing each other.  I try and make an effort.)

Problemo #3:  Whenever I come visit my dad we always end up going out to lunch (since this is what people do when they don't know each other well, distract themselves with food since we all have that in common right? ... right? ... *crickets*) but time was running short and he had already eaten and, naturally, I said I had also so I told him I would just stop by for a bit and visit with him.   Potential food crisis: defunct.

We visited, it was nice, it was over.  Then it was back to the house and 4± hours of car riding.  No food there!

Problemo #4:  "No food there!" «Wrong.  Pit stop at a gas station in the mountains.  Luckily, I had drank a protein shake before we left so that I wasn't tempted.  I stayed in the car, thinking that I wasn't even going to look but decided to go in (because bladder infections are no joke and I don't want to go that route!).  Once inside I considered some coffee but decaf was out and I didn't want to be up all night so I perused the drinks and decided on a Spicy v8 (got protein in me, now for nutrition) in hopes that this little recipe would sustain me and not having my mind in a debilitating food frenzy.

Problemo #4.5:  "Want some?"  I was greeted with a big ass bag of Doritos in my face and some bean dip within arms reach on my left.  My (honest to gawd) natural reaction is saying no and I did but, it's never offered just once and, well, IT'S DORITOS and BEAN DIP!  But protein and v8 nutrition did not have my body egging on my Fucked up FATmerican mind with a starving, hungry, nutritionally  void belly EVEN when it said, "But it's the SuperBowl!"

Problem #4.75:  "Oh here, I got you some Cashew so that we wouldn't be all eating in front of you."  My aunt is a total sweetheart.  She knows I stay away from fatty junk food because I want to be healthy, so she got me a "healthy" alternative to Doritos and bean dip (I do always say Nuts are natures Doritos- which I stand behind still).  I thanked her and threw them in my purse.

The calories in an entire bag of nuts terrified me.  The Doritos and Bean Dip right in front of me enticed the fat girl inside of me.  The alcohol and previous nights binge haunted me.  Monday's weigh in lurked just around the corner, paralyzing me.

I distracted myself with Scrabble on my iPhone (I was playing against my Aunt and my cousins boyfriend who was sitting in the front seat - we all have iPhones - get one they're amazing!), fueled with fear and motivation alike.  I want to be skinny.  I don't want to make matters worse on the scale.  This seems like a good jump off little challenge - Go! Fight! Win!

I came home and drank a protein shake, I wasn't really happy with myself for doing this but I calmed by thinking that it was an investment of sorts.  Keep my body nourished now, so I don't wake up all starving and binge.

I win.

I woke up this morning fine and even a little motivated at yesterdays small success to keep this thing going.  The scale kind of put a damper on things until I started writing this post and realizing how much worse it could have been.  But even with the initial sadness of the scales numbers came determination to lose,  I can't be 122, it is no longer acceptable when I was holding it down at 117 for so long.  I made myself a shake, distracted myself and now I'm drinking coffee and distracting myself with this post!

I feel good, not starving, not hungry, there is a slight nagging of mind wanting me to eat but there really is nothing I actually want.  (Thank you might protein shake! And coffee!)  I'm looking forward to my next post when I get to tell you how day 2 was a success!

I am in control of me, 

relinquishing this control is saying that something else is more than me. 

It is not.

I am stronger than food.

I am the strength that will grant me my dreams.