Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Not Getting Along with The Universe Today

Today. Today was not a good day. So oh oh. So oh oh. Not funktified.

*deep breathe*

*throat clear*

[cue: Rant!]

What are teachers? Teachers are to teach, yes? And students to learn? I've heard many of my college professors describe themselves as Facilitators of Knowledge. I fully support that description. Those are the teachers that want to gi gi gi give it all they've got gi give it all they got. And I will say that it is the students responsibility to learn. They've got to make a way to turn their brains into a sponge, a ShamWow! and soak it all up! And then put it back into the cup and give it to someone else. (Have you seen that infomercial? Soda back in the cup? Makes me kinda not ever want to accept a drink from those Shammy people....unless it's a martini. The alcohol kills all the germs, my mommy said so.) I digress.

Responsibility of teacher: facilitate some knowledge.
Responsibility of student: learn it!

School is not a game show. The class room is not Jeopardy! We're here to learn, not be thrown a bunch of Jigsaw Trickery Word Play, to trivialize and play against opponents. I don't believe it is conducive to learning when by the end of a test question our eyebrows are furrowed, whine/grunts are heard, and heads are cocked like Scooby Doo. Trickery! A test written to confuse the taker is just mean; that's a teacher who does not want students to succeed. Just to be clear, it wasn't the material that was confusing (not that it's simple) it was the wording of the questions. My teacher is taking over the class from another and is using her tests and even he had to read the questions and answers several times and this is simple to him!

AND THEN. The lab follows. I have two bones to pick (what does that even mean?) about this hour and a half of frustration. First, I don't know what the hell I'm doing on most of these labs. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, and I'm behind on the labs. Really, this is probably my fault. But forget I said that because I'm perfect. Right? Right. (Just go with it.) Secondly, my lab partners suck in the lab doing department. They spent 90% of the time complaining, 10% labbing/copying/chatting. (remember, I'm perfect so I never complain.) (the contents of that last parenthesis is utter bullshit, but at least I'm aware enough to see when I'm complaining and cut that shit out!)

Already frustrated and hellbent on catching up and getting these labs done, I was ready to get down to bidnaz. Labmates? notsomuch. I mean they say they'd like to catch up but then.... no dice. They just sit there waiting for their lab to write itself. I had a difficult time keeping my frustration at bay. I finally said, "I know this does suck. But we're here so let's just do what we can. Talking about how mad it makes us only makes us madder." I'm a Georgia Peach what can I say. More like a prune to work with today. I tried to be nice and tolerant but we were all frustrated. I suck at hiding mine. Sorry people around me :/ I'll work on it.

Then I Nommed and skipped my last class and Nommed summore, vommed too. I chatted with my mom and she hurt my feelings and I lashed out at her when she was on the phone with my aunt. It was lame reason too. My Sis is having a girl, she suggested a name (one that I've been pushing too) and then I suggested another that I like too. In fact, me and my friend we're chatting about these 2 names last night and how we both really liked them (she's preggo too). My mom did not like my name. "Ew, [insert name here]! That is not cute. No. What'd you say, [says the name wrong]?" All poochie faced. I say the name correctly and the apparently there is a smell to the name and it got worse because her face puckered more. "Yeah, that's not cute. No. I like [name#1]." And I got all pissed off and thanked her for making me feel like shit. And she came back with "well you didn't like MY name!" Um....when did I ever express any dislike for her suggested name? Not never, that's when! I merely threw out another suggestion. I would have bit my tongue if I would have known how negatively she would act towards it. It's not like I suggested Ogre or Facebook! (Some dude in Egypt named his girl Facebook because FB started the revolution....smh.)

Sensitive much?

(Careful, I'll RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!!! RAWRRR!!!!)

Hugz if you made it this far into the post! ilu<3

Saturday, February 19, 2011

'I'm Basically Boring' Box

I'm always so critical and frankly, embarrassed of who, what, where, and how I am. I had a project in my public speaking class where we had to make an "All About Me" box where we decorate a box and use adjectives as to what makes up each of us. On the outside is the superficial and on the inside is the personal. Working on my box I felt anxious and embarrassed by it. I feel exposed. On Thursday when everybody had their boxes...mine is vague. While others had all their favorite books, TV shows, brand names, ambitions, past, present, future....I had simply decorated adjectives.

 As you can plainly see, I'm Plain Jane. While I'm think that I'm feeling uncomfortable put out there, in relation to the rest of the class, I am withholding. People got deep. People that you would not guess had much depth, put themselves out there and shared some private things about themselves that I could only imagine sharing with only a select few, and here they were sharing with a class of strangers. Some even got choked up.

It did not occur to me to share this type of information with the class. Just goes to show how reserved I am. Even superficial information about specific books I like. How Google is my Go-To-Guy, it never occurred to share this information with people because it never occurred to me that I could associate these things with myself.

Upon seeing all the different boxes, with all their brand names and random things that they like cut and pasted from magazines or printouts (collage style), I was embarrassed of mine. Looking at my box, could you start a conversation with me? Could you know me better in some way? Probably not. What do you get out of it? That I am not interesting. That I have almost no personality. That I am withholding.

It's a speech class, so we must talk about our box for 5-7 minutes. I could relate to each and ever person in some way. Something on their box was something that I thought, "hey! I could have put that on my box!" And now it's too late, on Thursday it's my turn to start talking about my Plain Jane Box.. and I'm mortified by my...lack of substance? Or things? Or something! I feel like I'm cheating them. Like they've opened up and shared very personal and specific things and I'm so vague and reserved.

Projects like this are so interesting to me. When I hear all about these people it makes me like them because I see that we have a few things in common and that they've got some admirable traits as shown through stories of hardship. Each of us in the class are so different and yet we are so the same. They all have interests, passions, and were hurt in one way or the other, the specifics differ but when judgement is thrown out the door it's hard to not like that person. Listening to each person speak about their superficial interests and they're personal things made me like each and every one of them. I'm afraid that when I present nobody will feel that way about me. I don't know how to open up enough for that.

I am so afraid of being judged (an irrational fear because hellowe! it's inevitable) and yet I judge. Mostly my family and people at the grocery store based on the food in their basket. I started this blog so that I can be free of judgement, it is why I've never posted picture of myself (face or body).

As honest as I am on this blog, even it is vague. I speak about thoughts and feelings but I don't incorporate the fact that I was up late reading a Dan Brown novel or just checked out a couple Don Miguel Ruiz books because my yoga teacher recommended them. Do you know that I wear glasses? Or that my primary new sources lately are from Bill Mahar and Chelsea Handler? My favorite smell is vanilla? If we were to hang out what do we  have in common aside from our ED? What would we talk about?

How about I NOT drink a bottle of wine and then blog, yes?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pumped to Popped to Pumped again... Let's Hamsterwheel.

I was so determined to lose a couple pounds this week by being super duper healthy and keeping it low low low low low low.

(Cheater. Go back and read ALL the lows. Don't worry I'll wait.)


 I was pumped! But come Monday I popped. Apparently I was too pumped and then I went around a sharp object or sharp thought or something and POP! NomVom. And again today. And tomorrow I'll keep it alright because I'll be at school all the dilly day long but then it's Friday again and I don't really know where I'm going with this but it doesn't feel hopeful. Which is not hopeful. And the glass of hope is half empty; And that's not hopeful, so I shake my fists to the ceiling, "TO HELL YOU!" I shout and punched the cup over so it's empty!* EMPTY! No more hope! Out with the hope!

But y'know what? I like fresh starts. So then I'll just start a fresh glass of hope and be hopeful that tomorrow and Friday and the days that follow the Glass of Hope will not waver! It will not dissipate! It will be full! So full of full that it will be like, "whoa man, this fullage is fulltastic." And then go into Phullanthropy and start filling other glasses until they're full and have lots of fulltastic fullgasms!

I could totes be a motivational speaker. Mad skills with speakage of the motivational flavah.

Too good, maybe. That glass is kind of intimidating now.... how's about I just know that tomorrow I'll be alright? Yeah, I think that plan sounds better. Tomorrow will be good. And that's it. And that's all.

(For now. I'm still lookin' atchew Ferret Status.)

*Disclaimer: No actual cups were hurt, broken, or psychology disturbed during the writing of this blog.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Honest sCrap Ahead

I got an award! Harlow gave it to me! WOOT! WOOT! 

(proof! I really did, I'm just Making Stuff Up to Boost My Ego)

As the image suggest this blog is most deffo Honest! Honest to Ugly...hence the name (which I've been brainstorming of what to change it to...). Apparently some people thought I was a Trailer Trash Snaggle Tooth White Girl With a Peg Leg with 13 asses and chins cuz my truth is so ugly. I'm working on trying to pretty it up for y'all by doing the whole Life Thang and trying to get away from the whole Self Destructive Thang.


Here are 5 more Honesty blogs:

  1. Harlow (I know she's the one who nominated me but like...whatever, she's awesome, follow her! I especially like her blog because she makes effort towards getting thin in a mostly healthy manner, she exercises and doesn't just try and survive on licorice and saltines, she knows the value of a vegetable!)
  2. Kazehana (Her blog is private and I'm like VIP list Status cuz she's my Wifey B. AwesomeSauce. AND she's already been given the award by someone else which may or may not be against the Honest Scrap Rules but ...whatever! She wins cuz she's Tells It Like It Is!)
  3. Sar (She doesn't sugar coat shit either, ups and downs alike, if it happens, she delivers!)
  4. Quinn (So honest sometimes I read through my fingers.)
  5. Ophelia (Also received this award but what can I say? When you tell you tell it ALL!)
10 Random Things About Me:
  1. I am a lover of all vegetables except corn. In truth, I HATE IT!!
  2. The ceiling in my room is painted black (and I like it).
  3. I'm a drafter.
  4. My favorite color is red.
  5. I wish I could turn water into wine (or better: CHAMPAGNE!) (and calorie free!)
  6. I'm trying to learn more/be interested about politics by watching Real Time with Bill Maher. (Watch it, he's funny☺ and I'm not even smart/educated/informed enough [yet!] to even get ALL of his quips)
  7. I love jewelry.
  8. I'm an only child.
  9. I google EVERYTHING I'm curious about. EV-VER-RY-THANG.
  10. I need to be doing homework RIGHT. NOW.