In the background today my mom asked me about Thanksgiving and struggled through asking me if I threw up or made myself sick. I don't know how to answer, I want to laugh and roll my eyes and say, "Oh yeah, with everyone there, yeah right." all sarcastic with that Idontwanttotalkaboutit,Igotitundercontrol in the undertones.
I just want to be healthy.
It's a lie. A half truth, really. The broken record of disorder dialogue continues, I keep thinking, Eff it, I'd rather be disordered and thin than fat and "healthy."
I want both. I want to be healthy. I want to be thin. I have hope that I can and I will be but this hole effed up dialogue? It's got to stop.
The dialogue continues and I can't tell if it's disordered or not or both or what. I fear that if I gain through the holidays it will inevitably lead to worsening ED and if I can cost until New Years, losing or at least maintaining but not gaining then the New Year could be magically ED free! Or ED easier, really.
Calgon take me away.