Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Me vs Myself & Me and Myself vs Life.

I'm finding life a little harder than usual as of late.  It's dark out and thus my mood and my thoughts seem to want to follow this seasonal trend.  

Can somebody hypnotize me and make me like a sane person?  
A non-disordered person?  

It's not that I don't believe that I am capable of this behavior but it's hard and I'm American so a quick-easy-way-out fix is ever so welcomed!

I'm trying not to stress but I stress none the less.

I'm trying to keep myself together but I keep looking control and the evidence is on my lips.  Nope, it's not food this time.  I have fever blisters, I've gotten them ever since I was young.  My mood goes south, my stress level goes north and ugliness arrives on my lips further perpetuating this spiral that continully goes in the wrong direction.  I got invited to go out for drinks tomorrow with some people that I play softball with, I am now regretting the acceptance of this invitation as said ugliness has got me further down.

But playing into this cycling will do nothing, if not keep me from getting closer to my dreams.  I must learn to turn a negative into a positive.  (I'm lookin at you UglinessThatSprungOnMyLip!)  It's a clear indication that I am not taking good care of myself.  And I type those words knowing that this seems to be a recurring theme in my posts lately, in other words, I continue to spiral further down. 


My days have not been bad.  They truly haven't, I'm just stressing.  My life has not taken this terrible turn for the worst, it's my thoughts that have been slipping through the cracks.  They are not where I'd like them to be.  (all HappyPants!)

The longing and the craving is increasing and I find my thoughts are plotting Scarf&Barfs.  It's already gone too far! When I was feeling good, I did not long for all the bad stuff, the junk food, the junk-everything.  I felt good about what I was doing, having confidence that my actions where paving the path to where I needed to go.  But as I get closer, the doubts are springing up, I'm feeling the pressure and my pace is slowing.  

What is this?  
Am I somewhat afraid to succeed?  

Not succeeding but sustaining success, that's where I worry.  
I [more or less] know the path but I don't know what I'm going to do once I get there.  It's so much easier to be a failure than to succeed and fall backward.  Better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?  

I am trying.  I truly am but here on this blog, it all comes to surface.  I can lie to myself and be in a deceitful world of denial but, again, it only makes the obstacles to my personal dreamlife that much more and I will not be that person.  

(I will fight not to be that person.)

I will clean my room and do my laundry tomorrow.  I will clean out my purse (I would be surprised if I discovered a new species of animal in there or a 3 ring circus perhaps... the possibilities are endless).  Small things that will improve my mood, I'm sure of it!

I'm still debating whether I will brave the public and be all social with this thing on my lip (seriously, it's hideous).  I'm considering just stopping by for a minute just to go, so I'm just a itty-bitty flake and not a monster of one but... we shall see what tomorrow brings.  

Tomorrow I am confident that it will be a good day, despite that I have 2 exams coming up 

(Or 3...)

but I have the weekend to study.  I will survive.  I will strive on.

Tuesday started off pretty horribly and turned around so why the hell not the rest of the year?


I CAN DO IT!! Sure I can.


  1. Oh my god, i totally know what you mean by, 'allmost being afraid of succeeding'. I get like that, whenever I stop purging and start finally losing wieght... WHY??? I dont know, but fight, sister, we will fight, and ofcourse we WILL win in the end....

    (Cause were awesome like that..=D)

    Goodluck with all ur exams... peace out..xxoo

  2. Cleaning your room, doing laundry and cleaning out your purse seem like totally insignificant chores, but they really do give you a sense of control in this crazy world. It always makes me feel better. It's mindless and tedious, so it's great for clearing out your head.

    I hope you're right about tomorrow being a good day :)


  3. you should go out with your friends you could always say your feeling a bit off before you go and then leave if you start getting to stressed

    honey drag those thoughts back from the cracks and pour some concrete in their so that the cracks are gone


  4. If you find someone to hypnotize you and make you sane, hook them up with me too!
    I so hear you on the sustaining success bit. I've felt that way before too. Like how many times have i failed ABC? Why? Quite possibly because i don't know what to do if i succeed and complete it.
    You CAN do it, love. Stay strong and be happy!

  5. don't we all wish we could be hypnotized. sstay strong! There is a light at the end, sometimes we just have to search a little harder for it.

    you rock!

  6. You can do EVERYTHING you want to do! You can you can you can. I feel like you take the words right out of my mouth sometimes. Or really you take them from a much much deeper place, I don't know where.

  7. But you know you've got a willing attitude and awareness and, seriously, you should be proud of that, I know it's hard with stressing, it just leads to second guessing your reasons and feelings.. And third guessing, and fourth, it's like it's neverending...
    But you know you have it in there somewhere, stay strong.. x

  8. You're doing it, stay strong!
    x x x


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