Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Voice in My Head

So tomorrow night is the last night of 2009 and I have nothing to do.  The voices of Bulimia are drowning out my rational thought.  Or trying, at least.  I'm really trying to hang on to my streak, today is day 21.  Do I really want to start off the new year at day 1?  I mean it is fitting, right? Day 1 for the first day of the year, how odd is day 23?  It's not even round as far as weeks go.

This is hard.  I hate being alone when every person is supposed to be with people having a good time.  Everybody will ask how I "rang in the New Year" and I will say that I hung out with an old friend?  In other words, I resorted to bulimia, with tons of food, fingers down my throat and my head in a toilet.


I'm pathetic.  What kind of person doesn't have a close friend?  At least one person that will always be there?  A pathetic person that who.  Me.  What does that say about me as a person?  A bad friend?  A bad person?

I don't know how to make friends or be one.  I can blame; my mom for not having friends for not showing me the way, for being judgmental and self-conscious.  In all honesty, I do sort of blame her but no matter who or how much I blame it doesn't matter because it changes nothing.  My mom did the best she could raising me and the things she failed to teach me... well, one of my teachers would always say, You don't know what you don't know and she didn't know.  Blaming is such a waste.  I'm an adult and obviously recognize what the problem is and now it's my responsibility to learn what I wasn't taught and teach myself.

But still tomorrow night plagues my thoughts, it will be so hard to get through the night and wake up the following morning to day 23.   In fact the thought of tomorrow night makes me want to binge right now as it is, imagine being in the moment.

I hate this.

Why bulimia?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

But I'm glad it's over.

Alert the media hell hath frozen over!


But I am on day 20 (DAY TWENTY!!!! AAaaaaaahhhhh!!!! [insert FlashDance moves here]) of no purging.  Holy Mosus (or something) this must be my Christmas Miracle!

I must have made Santa's "Nice List" this year!


Seriously.  My Christmas was good, I got nice gifts (I ain't gonna lie, I even got myself some gifts...and they seem to keep coming) (What? They're Christmas sales...CHRISTMAS. I made the NICE LIST remember!!) and I got some money!  $10 in Starbucks, $50 in American Express...a THOU$AND DOLLAR check from my mom's boyfriend to help me out with school.  Sweetest. Man. EVAR!  In fact, he even asked me about a month or so back if I need any help with anything because he knows I've been struggling but, of course, I said no because I would NEVER ask him for money (he does well) but it was really sweet of him to even offer, my mom didn't even know he asked until I told her.

So fantastical, right?

And then there's food.  I've been doing okay.  Really trying to keep my calories between 900-1200 which I consider a "healthy" amount and I'm eating eggwhites up the wazooloo to be sure and get my protein needs. (Protein also helps with not being hungry btw.)  On Christmas, I pretty much ate normally and at my aunts house ("at Christmas") I had salad and veggies from the veggie tray (I did eat cocktail sauce with and *gulp* I had *deep breathes* two slices of HOMEMADE apple pie and 2 HOMEMADE macadamia nut cookies.  Terrible! 

BUT in my defensive (read: to make myself feel better about these Bad Decisions) I did not have:
  • Pumpkin Pie
  • Bread Pudding
  • Chocolate Cake
  • Ice Cream
  • Whip Cream
  • MORE Apple Pie
  • MORE Cookies
I didn't drink a lot (despite that I had already decided alcohol doesn't have calories) (yea-yea, LA-LA LA-LA I can't hear you!!!) and I did only have veggies and salad and managed to ignore the chips and spinach artichoke dip...and I didn't purge. So damnit it wasn't a failure! I was weak and I stumbled but I did not fall.

The day after Christmas I went up North to see my Aunt and Uncle (on my dad side) celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by renewing their vows.  I was anxious and I didn't want to go mainly because last time I went up there it was during Thanksgiving and I ate the entire world and then threw up what I could of it.  Fun. I realize that my mistake was the lack of protein (no protein = CONSTANT hunger) so I did a little research and found these little gems:

My SAVIORS!!  I don't usually eat those bar things because they're mainly sugar and carbs and fat and they are like a gazillion calories and "high protein" is like 6 to 9 grams.  No thanks, I may as well have a damn Snickers bar.  But these little gems pack in 20 grams of protein and only 2-3 grams of sugar which is a damn good ratio for a bar if you ask me and they keep hunger and cravings almost obsolete!

I got the shakes too.  4 cans of 110 calories 20 grams of protein.  This mornings weigh in was 118.5 lbs. (you can friend me on LoseIt! App: We'll see what tomorrow brings but lately I've been a steady 120 so...this is a nice number to see.
The wedding party was Super Duper Fun Times, the Tequila was flowing heavily and the music was Mexican (my dad side are like TOTAL MEXICANS-thetalkingwasallinspanish-MEXICAN) but I danced.

(I use that the term "dance" loosely-I'm not so good)

(but tequila me and I think I'm FANTASTICAL!!)

(Tequila is Magic, I'm convinced.)

My feet hate me.  The top of my thighs burned in approval.   So, I'm pretty sure all my dancing was decent calorie burn for the oily vegetables and the 20,253,948 fantastick-illion Margaritas I drank.

I resisted the bread.

2 points to Flushed.

And I saw my dad on the night of the party and the next day we had lunch, not very easy picking a place since I'm a vegetarian and not into Mexican food and his diet is Heavy Mexican food and Bud Light.  My suggestion of Olive Garden was met with a big fat question mark, you'd have thought that I suggested some hole in the wall Taiwan Food place that's rumored to have served cats, dogs and tarantulas.

No dad, this is not a trap.  They have a Zagat Rating for Pete's Sake!!

(My father does not have nor knows how to use a cell phone.)

(Just sayin.)

So we went to some sports bar-ish Mexican restaurant (not a hole in the wall, not a chain) I had a house salad and steamed veggies and a calorie-free Pomegranate Martini (LA-LA LA-LA I can't hear you!!) with salsa for my dressing and he had his damn Chili Verrrrrrde Buryto that was about the size of a mail box, some Bud Lights and, of course, the chips and salsa that was at the table.
I resisted.

Point! Flushed.

Also, add $100 from Dad to that tally.  And more unemployment checks.
Things are looking good, 2010 is going to be a good year.

Day 20! SQUEEEEE!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Body is my Business

60 degrees Farenheit is real cold, sorry Rain, come live in SoCal and you will be wearing bikini's in the winter time.

My focus lately has been nutrition and not weight loss, you know how I don't like setting myself up for failure?  I'm pretty sure "December" translates into swahili as, there is no way in heaven or in hell, let alone Earth, that you will lose weight and the harder you try the more you will gain so bend over and take it fatty!

Or something along those lines.

With all the stur-ESS that the last month and a half of each year comes with I resolved to not try and lose weight but maintain.

Maintain.  This word often escapes us disorder dieters because our minds tend to focus on losing and gaining, if we can't lose today by eating next to nothing and go as much as a few calories over all of a sudden those 3 calories turned all the rest into obesity and then fuckitalltohell I'll just eat everything and start over tomorrow with a better plan and some stronger will power! (not that I know...) And then act like it's the end of the world when we get on the scale the next day and the number is higher than the day before (shocker, right?) and we go through the rest of the day depressed or determined.  (preferably the latter)

Lose or gain.

Maintain!  We all know (and forget) that our body require energy (calories) to function daily and if this number is less than 1,000 than you are either nearly underweight [clinically] or really short (or both).  The reality of the situation is that if you are eating 800 calories and gaining weight that's probably a good sign that you've been starving body and it's piggy-banking every last calorie that it comes across until it can see that you have a steady income.

That's how I think of my body, like a business and calories like money. Organs are employees we must pay, they each have their own job (obvy) but some are more vital to our life than others. Our brain is the executive brain with our mind as the President of the company.  

I think of our hearts as the overall product produced, every business has a product, right?  Gotta have something to sell!  I think of our personalities as the marketing department. Fat is the build up of junk that we don't need (every been to a messy back room in a business and they have shit that's been in there for like 10 years? Yeah.)  Muscles are the upgrades, that fancy new copier that makes things easier for everybody (ever seen Office Space and the fax machine that pisses everybody off?  It's just irritating and you don't wanna deal with it!).

So we gotta pay the employees everyday so that continue to do their jobs and we have to keep morale up so that they are happy employees (think about how miserable it is to work with unhappy people who put you in an even worse mood.  What Bitch! It's not MY fault the fax machine jammed on your ass! Anybody whose worked in an office, I think, knows attitude spreads like wildfire and sometimes it's the little things that can set someone off.)

Calories are calories and money is money.  Feed you body junk food or healthy food-your shits gonna function but with feeding your body junk food this is hard on you digestive system, lowering their morale.  Sure, it's their job and it's doing but when you get a bunch of bitchy customers who make your day seem longer and harder than it needs to be, it puts you in a bad right?  It's one thing to deal with these customers every now and again, you laugh it off and go about your merry way but too much in a day...too much don't even want to go to work everyday and you'll probably do your job less efficiently and have a bad attitude.  If you feed your body healthy food, it's morale boosting!  You get a bunch of happy customers who are a joy to be with and your day flies by and you spread the merriment to everybody you come into contact with!

But no customers (food)...your employees (organs) are confused...perhaps it's just a little slow, let's start cleaning out that storage room that we've been neglecting!  And that goes swimmingly but the employees are bound to get bored... lowering morale and they're starting to get worried, what the hell is going on with management?    They cut back on marketing and extra supplies, they haven't been updating the equipment like they were....

Oh but management (our mind) is fantastic (eating disordered)!  They are on top of the world (happy to lose weight)!  They just bought themselves a new clothes with all the money they've been saving (upgrade marketing department!) by cutting the fat.  They've lowered the hourly rate of their employees (less calories) to keep them going and every now and again they'll give them a taste of what use to be (normal amount of calories) and perhaps a bonus (extra calories).  But the employees bank (fat) that shit! What if the company is going under (death)? Let's save up (store fat) because who knows when the next regular paycheck is gonna come in!  I need energy ($$) to work!

Pretty soon the employees are disgruntled (your organs are fucking up) and ready to go on strike if management doesn't take care of them.  Without your employees you don't have a company.  Management (your brain) panics and has a sale (enter: the binge)!  But your employees, despite having customer (remember: customers/food bring money/calories to your store and money/calories gives you energy) sure you threw a blowout sale and put money in our pockets but they were all bitchy ass holiday shoppers (junk food)!

And just think if you forced that you forcefully kicked out all the customers with their money ready to spend....the purge.  Bitchtastic organs.  But your organs are loyal employees (it takes a lot for them to quit/shutdown), throw them the least bit (work/energy/calories) and they will make of it what they can (keep functioning) but they will plan for the future and bank what they got (store fat).

Supply your employees (organs) with a steady stream of happy (healthy) customers (food) and they will have the energy to work just fine and won't complain about bonuses and such because at least their jobs are easy peasy and with all the new upgrades (muscle-exercise) helping them out.

There are two kinds of exercise (generally)-cardio and muscle building.  In the business world I translate this as new products (cardio builds up your heart muscles and releases endorphins) and upgrades in equipment (muscles help your organs function more easily).

When you starve your body and only do cardio, I think of this as those underpaid people that work for a company with a kickass product they are proud of- remember the Devil Wears Prada? Beautiful clothes, a job that "millions of girls would kill for" (or whatever-I'm not gonna look up the quote to do it verbatim).

When you starve your body and only do muscle building, you keep doing all these upgrades which makes jobs easier and less stressful but still your organs have little energy to do much else (so it's a good damn thing that their jobs are easier!)

Either way, exercise is good is necessary-the healthier the easier for your organs to work.  As eating disordered our management is corrupt-they are so focused at cutting the fact that we forget about the little people (our organs-we need them!) and when we let "management" go to far our employees revolt or worse-quit (shutdown...and we need ALL our employees).

Me, personally, I try to bring only happy customers (healthy food) and stay a little upgraded (push-ups/sit-ups/lunges) and throw in a new product (cardio-softball, haha-what? running to first base a couple times counts!!) so that my employees (organs) stay focus (functioning) and don't freak (store fat) with the fact that they are a bit underpaid (calorie restrict).

So, this is more or less how I think.

(I'm not really that good at articulating to the full extent-running a business/our bodies is intricate and more complex but I'm not a business owner or a medical doctor...or even a good and articulate writer, so this explanation is what I got for you.)

You're confused aren't you?
I probably failed in explaining this properly (properly-is the way it makes sense to me for it to make sense to you) but maybe at least one of you got something out of it, so I'll just hope for that.



(How the hell did I get on such a tangent?! MAINTAIN was the topic.)

Tangents- 9,437,520,493 gad-jillion.
Flushed - 1

(I'm giving myself a point for try to get back on topic)

So, I planned on maintaining for the rest of the year

(remember December in swahili? ...yeah, and I don't even take/do drugs... I probably should lie about that huh? Oh well, honest is how I roll.)

and I've basically been going (Day 13-no puke! Ha-Ay!) of the no lose/no gain-maintain attitude.  (I'm not saying I didn't freak out a bit but I really tried to stay with the bigger picture and not disgruntle my organs)

On Fat-mas I will try to stick with the same no gain/no lose, just maintain attitude (preferably sans freakout) but not without be a smidgen prepared with a plan.

First off, in the morning I will eat a protein packed breakfast (eggwhites and maybe edamame).  I'm not the kind that can skip a meal-it will lead to a binge.  Try and be pretty, seriously, it makes such a difference in myself that I leave the house feeling cute and confident, it sets the mood for the rest of the day, especially if I've already had a good breakfast, a little exercise which makes me feel all in control and good to go!

Off to myMosa my aunts house. (hell yes I'm drinking-they don't call 'em "spirits" for nothing! I'm a happy drunk, so alcohol is good for me. I'm convinced.)

I will come prepared with gum, diet pills, floss/toothbrush/mouthwash (no, I'm not planning on purging but with a clean mouth I feel less likely to eat) and my aunt asked me to bring a salad.  That's the beauty of my family-they all accept that I'm fucked up "healthy" with food so they don't pressure me to eat this or that, in fact, they pretty much know that I don't want it and that I will likely not eat (I do usually eat something healthy and satiating before I go somewhere december-ish) or eat something completely different (when we gather at my house, which is typical, I make myself some of my own food).

I'm going to try to ignore the sweets as best as possible.  See it and dismiss it, like it's just a decoration or something.  When I dwell on it and imagine how good it is and I can't have it and all that, it takes shots at my control and will power with each passing thought.  So just don't think about it, it's plastic and non-edible and whatever I have a delishus mimosa in my hand that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy-like and love my cooky little family.

And I wont stay out late because I have to wake up early and drive up north to go to my aunts renewing of the wedding vowels and I have to be all rested and ready to roll!  And look as pretty as I can in my little black dress!

How cute is it that I asked my mom to help me find a dress to wear and she was like, well you should get a fitted dress to show off your figure (I'm curvy-bony through my shoulders/chest, narrow waist compared to hips, flattish tummy, BIG FAT hips, a wide, fat butt, thick/fat thighs and skinny calves and ankles) (I hate it, anybody want to trade hips and thighs? Call me.).  My mom likes to dress me all skimpy sometimes (not tastelessly so, but y'know, cover up but don't hide- all you're-24-and-should-flaunt-what-you-got kind of way).

And now I will post which will make it even more confusing because I will not reread what NEEDS to be reread and clarified.  Sorry.

Are you still here?

Hopefully one made it.... just one.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A Little Change of Pace

I got through it! Day 12 is ova!!
(can I get a WOOP! WOOP!)

I played softball tonight (I use the term softball loosely...I'm not very good) and we (I brought my mom on the team) (she's better than me, which is sorta embarrassing but whatevs, that's reality) (for the record I did catch a ball today!) stayed after the game for drinks at the bar.  For once I was NOT the DD.  I had fun and probably made a fool of my[tipsy]self but whatevs, is it better to have no personality?  Been there, done that, if I can be myself and have fun (foolishly or not) than it's worth it right!

(Say yes.)

Today was nice, I bounced from lazy to productive and back again all day but all in all was totally fine. I didn't step on the scale this morning to a monstrous number (shocker there, huh?) it was the same as yesterday.  I feel like my face is thinner less swollen (puke swell-let us not count the way in which bulimia uglifies) which motivates me to stick to this non-bulimic behavior.  I want, so desperately, to say healthy behavior but I know that my thoughts are not, they are completely shallow and superficial.

I was going to start the ABC (with the Pasco twist) today but I didn't, I took a step back and decided against it.  I do not want to starve for the rest of my life which is likely the only way that I would be able to sustain the weight I manage after the ABC.

Plus, 50 days? Who am I kidding?  How about not setting myself up for failure which would inevitably end in self loathing?  I'm pretty sure you'd all be with me on this one,  I don't like writing depressing posts any more than you all like reading them!

On the other hand, you're probably not all ecstatic about this post either, all informational and update-y and stuff.


(Until we discuss wages, that is.)

(Strike while the irons hot fat.  Once I reach my goal weight I'll be Circus Monkeying my ass round the pole with drunk perverts oogling my goodies!.)

(just kidding.)

(I think.)

Monday, December 21, 2009

Comment on Bread Battle #2043848303.

I wanted to highlight a comment I received on yesterdays post and go through the many thoughts that raced through my mind while reading it. 

What do you ladies think of this comment?  What is your inner dialogue saying as you read it line by line?

On Dec 21, 2009, at 12:31 AM, what if summer... wrote:

what if summer... has left a new comment on your post "Bread Battle #2043848303": 

I know this sounds like a daft question, but really what is so bad about getting fat? You're clearly terrified of it, but what difference would it make if you gained 10 lbs? Sure, it would change you physically, but would you be so shallow as to dictate your whole personality and enjoyment of life based on what you see in the mirror? Would you let your waistline cripple your ability to function in a relationship? You want to be smart and charming and have meaningful relationships, but what do any of those things have to do with what size pants you wear? Getting old and losing youthful beauty/slimness is all part of life, and the longer you focus on escaping it, the more of life you will leave un-lived. 

You don't need to punish yourself. You need to embrace who you are and stop comparing yourself to everyone around you. Equating beauty to happiness and a great personality is such a ridiculous notion. You are smarter than that, and I hate to see you delude yourself to such a crippling, self-loathing extent. I only know your personality, and I like it. What you look like is completely irrelevant. 

Anyone who is any good for you would agree with me.


Posted by what if summer... to f l u s h e d at 21.12.09

Here's mine:
I know this sounds like a daft question, but really what is so bad about getting fat? (I'd be FAT!! What do you mean, "what's so bad about it"!!) You're clearly terrified of it (with good reason! It's FAT.), but what difference would it make if you gained 10 lbs? (I'd be FAT. And ugly and my clothes would look gross(er) and I'd be big. YUCK!) Sure, it would change you physically, but would you be so shallow as to dictate your whole personality and enjoyment of life based on what you see in the mirror? (Yaa! -wait.  that's sounds wrong-but but I live in California, the first thing people notice is how fat I am!-wait. That sounds kinda wrong too....I know people who aren't thin and it doesn't affect how much I like them....oh shoot.  I probably shouldn't notice how much they weigh huh? That's judging. I judge. CASE IN POINT: SIZE MATTERS!!!) Would you let your waistline cripple your ability to function in a relationship? (This is getting bad....I do. I do let it cripple me.  This comment is sooo mean! Ugh. She doesn't UNDERSTAND!!) You want to be smart and charming and have meaningful relationships, (Yes, yes I do....if only....thin and smart and charming and meaningful relationships, what a fantastic life that will be...) but what do any of those things have to do with what size pants you wear? (Aah Fuuuu....she's right. She's absolutely right, I can be all those things and they have no relationship to being thin.  Not really anyway.  I want to be thin because those things would be easier because I would feel all pretty and small and cute and confident-this is what she's getting at isn't it.  My mind is warped in this thinking, my cousin gained some weight and she is confident and beautiful and charming and smart, she'd like to lose some pounds but she still seems to love her body.  How does that work? Loving your body if it is not thin, if it does not look the way that you want it to?  Acceptance.  I must learn to accept it, then it wouldn't be like this.  Then all those other things would come sooner but this mind warp is getting in the way of those things....she's so right and I hate it.) Getting old and losing youthful beauty/slimness is all part of life, (right. damnit, she's making way too much sense.  All I want to be is thin!!) and the longer you focus on escaping it, the more of life you will leave un-lived. (...oh my gawd, I'm killing myself with this obsession with losing weight.  I wasting my life focusing on one thing and making everything else in life dependent on it.  She is so right and I make no sense.  I need to hear this.   I need to know this....but I'm still thinking that I want to be thin and then I'll listen....fuck.)

You don't need to punish yourself. (It's hurting me, I can see that but I still feel the NEED.) You need to embrace who you are and stop comparing yourself to everyone around you. (I do. I will, just let me get thin first.  Just let me indulge in this eating disorder, it's keeping me sane....) Equating beauty to happiness and a great personality is such a ridiculous notion. (You don't understand it's the disorder! -wait, that's an excuse.  If I can recognize it as disordered than I have a responsibility to change it, doing nothing and indulging would only further perpetuate this cycle that I'm so unhappy in.  Seriously, I cried because I ate bread  and  feel so incredibly guilty and depressed over it that I think the only salvation would be to make myself puke it up and then I would be upset because I made myself puke instead of being healthy.) You are smarter than that, (I thought I was...posts like this are evidence to the contrary) and I hate to see you delude yourself to such a crippling, self-loathing extent. I only know your personality, and I like it. (How AWESOME is that!  Woot! Woot!) What you look like is completely irrelevant. (Hmmmm......she's right.) (Again.)

Anyone who is any good for you would agree with me. (Right. Right. Right.)


After thought:

I can't believe the emotion that went through me while reading this comment.  I was annoyed and angry at Summer! Can you believe that?!  I even want to delete it at first but decided against it since I decided when I made this blog to maintain my honest and this comment was honest even if it spotlights my idiocy.  When I wrote the last post I was upset and anxious and when I read this comment I thought, at first, that Summer is so mean and she doesn't understand at all! But then after she so articulately made her reasonable point (after reasonable point after reasonable point...) I started to realize how I have gotten completely irrational and my mind is completely drowning in this desire to be thin, no matter how much I can talk the healthy, rational talk in the real world my inner dialogue is completely warped and irrational. 

I THANK Summer for this comment is was a slap in the face of realization and oh so much needed!!  It really put things into perspective.  I'm not gonna lie, thin is still constantly on my mind but when I make decisions about food/exercise (and whether or not to puke) I really need to remember this comment and remind myself to listen and take action based upon the voice that is grateful to Summer and not the one that was all panicky and angry with her.

Have you noticed that when people cannot rationally explain their position get all annoyed and then angry?  That's ego, baby.  Or what some of us call "ED."  It's the irrational voice of wrong and negative emotions.

Obvy, this voice is not so easy to quiet as it is manipulative and aims it's shots right at your weaknesses.

I really do want to get better and get what I want the healthy way.

Thank you again Summer.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Bread Battle #2043848303

I was at 1000 cals today, out shopping bought myself stuff and all in a good mood.

And then bread happen.

The drive home was eerily quiet.  I sat fuming, fat, frustrated and fighting myself.  I want to purge.  I need it.  I doubled my cal intake for just dinner, 90% of it bread.  My eyes leaked, just barely, little enough to where I would dry them with my gloved finger without notice.  I do this to myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  Nobody forced me to eat the bread.  But that is my dilemma now, isn't it?  It only has to be offered.  It only has to be there.  This opportunity to screw myself was there and I did.

(In the bad way, not the good)

(And not the bad that means good)

(You know what I mean! Get your mind out the gutter!)


(Oh wait--this is my guilty mind in the gutter isn't it? .... huh.)

So I'm blogging now.  Here I blog.  (Just in case you didn't know this already.) I can't purge and blog simultaneously so that means I'm really working hard to make today the 11th day that I go sans puke.  I don't want to do this anymore.  It gets easier right?  I remember it getting easier further along but then, I'm here again.  At the hard spot.  Again.  And my eyes are leaking and my brain is mad at me and I feel like this ultimate screw up. Correction: this ultimately FAT screw up.

What the hell!  People eat all the time and they're fine!  I'm irritated with myself for even feeling this way!  The table next to us each had their own Chocolate Cake desert thingy and left the table all happy.

They were all fat ladies though.



Today is going to be day 11 of no self induced vomitting but it's a hard day 11 and tomorrow I will have to work harder ALL DAY in order keep my cool (or whatever) because people will be at work and I will not.

Tomorrow I will be strong.  Am I not demonstrating a certain amount of strength to enforce this will to not purge right now?  (Just say yes.) A will that failed me when I was presented with hot, flaky bread and parmesan flat bread goodness of the devil but damnit(!) I have it now!! (That's right, count 'em: one exclamation, two exclamation for good measure.)  And tomorrow I will make myself have it (before it's too late).  Even if my eyes will leak and my brain gets all cluster fucked get it.

I've really tried been raising my calorie intake, staying around 1000 to 1200 calories a day.  Losing clumps of hair is frightening and was the tipping point.  And then adding the whole no period since June (Okay, this doesn't really concern me that much, I don't want kids so this is actually a helper since I can't be on birth control, or, y'know remove my lady bits on the inside.)  And reading all the blogs of health problems and such, I'd really rather not have heart or kidney problems.

AND, y'know what else? (don't worry, I'll tell you.  I'm generous like that.  You're welcome.)  I want to be skinny FOREVER! FoR-Ev.ER. (Squints style.)  But I don't want to be all fucked up and disordered and getting all crazylike around food forever.

Santa? You hear that?  Just the skinny. Hold the disordered.  And a side of pretty would be wonderful. kthanx.

And a Pomogranate Martini.  Just for fun. :)

I digress.

(But we all know Santa reads my blog, so it had to be noted.)

Anyhoodle, like I was saying.  I want to be skinny and at my goal weight (105-110) for the rest of my life and if I don't want Ed to be part of it then I'm gonna have to learn how to sustain the ish in a way that can become my lifestyle, my easy-peasy, fresh and breezy lifestyle.  I don't want the rest of my life isolated and drowning in numbers cuz then what the hell am I getting skinny for?!  I need to learn how to  stabilize my eating (and overall attitude and mind madness) that happens when I am around food and integrate this into what I want.

I want to be thin.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be charming.
I want to be smart.
I want to be educated.
I want to be stylish.
I want to travel the world.
I want to have many friends, friends with meaningful relationships.
I want to love and be loved.  By a man.  By my family.  By my friends.
I want to have a successful career that I love.

I want to live, carefree and with gratitude.
I want to do it all be the best version of me.

I want my life to have meaning.

I have been reading your blogs but the comment box I leave empty, the words are not coming as they once would.  I'm am happy for those of you who are feeling successful in your life endeavors (Meg you're self control is wow), whether they be in losing or in love (I'm rooting for you Ophelia and Sar) and I am empathizing with those of you who are struggling (Pasco I want to do ABC your way! But start after Christmas), though our struggles may vary in degree (PrettyWreck my thoughts are with you) is irrelevant, it's still hard but we will get through it.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  Our greatest* obstacle is our self.

(*Note: I said greatest I didn't say only but I do believe once we conquer our self, we can conquer the world!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!)

(Or just y'know make our lives a little easier.)

(I'm still kinda after world domination though. Just sayin')

Today the battle of the bread was not lost nor won.

Tomorrow I will be in control of my self, it will not control me.
Tomorrow will be day 12.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fighting the Feeling

I'm fighting the feelings within and desperately grasping for new ones.

I'm fighting the feeling to eat because with food comes calories and with that comes fear of fat.  I'm fighting the feeling of fighting the feeling of eating because I fear that later this may lead to fighting the feeling of wanting to binge and with that comes fighting a feeling of needing to purge.

So then I eat, and now I have eaten.

A sum of my days calories has me feeling upset and disappointed and I'm fighting that feeling.  I'm trying to feel that it is okay because these calories are healthy and they are not going to have me waking up fat tomorrow.  I'm fighting to feel like I'm okay with this calorie count while I glance at the clock that has not yet struck noon.  I'm fighting to feel like I want to do something today as my ass is melting and molding the couch.  I'm fighting to feel like I'm not a fat cow because if then maybe the idea of getting in the shower might sound appealing.  I'm fighting the feeling of thinking I'm hideously ugly because then looking in the mirror to put on my make up might happen sooner.

I feel ugly.  I am fat, my face is fat with pimples, my hair is thinning, I have no up to date clothes.  So I'm basically just a hot mess.

This is the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear, the devil that we call Ed.  He makes me feel as though I'm hopeless but I know that there is always hope. Always.  And only I have the power to turn it around.  I'm not perfect and Ed likes to constantly remind me of this.  I am just me and I have good points and bad ones but it is up to me to focus and put emphasis on the positive aspects of me and my life, make the best of and try to improve upon the negatives and be the best version of myself that I can.

Maybe I can't be thin and beautiful and stylish today but I don't have to be hideous and get fatter by self-loathing and getting fatter by eating the day away.  I have a smidgen of pretty to work with and I'm of a normal weight, people would not describe me as fat (even behind my back).  This is what I've got to work with and I only I can choose each day, each moment to work with it or against it.  To accept it doesn't necessarily mean that I like it, it just means that I recognize the reality of the situation and do what I can to change it.

Sometimes I got so focused on the bad and wanting to change it that I forget about all the positive things and by forgetting them and not paying them the attention that they need, they suffer.

It is 10 til noon right now and I'm going to get in the shower and start my day, work with what I've got and try to be the best version of myself or as close as I can get to it today.

P.S. Congrats if you made it through my rambly post of me trying to motivate myself! I'd like to reiterate that most of this blog is freewrite style and I rarely proofread.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Losing my Ground

I'm stressed.  Really. Stressed.  My hair is coming out in clumps and I'm certainly not starving.  (I don't think...1,000+ cals/day and it's healthy.) (Oh yeah and I'm 5'3" so....I'm a shorty.)  I'm so frustrated and I'm bitchy and, oh yeah did I mention that I'm stressed and my drain is clogging up?  Literally and figuratively, I can feel it in my head, in my body, in my mind there is this incredible weight, a constipation (oh yeah, that too-literally/figuratively), if you will.  This week is finals and my toughest one was this morning, I don't even know what to say about it because I have no clue on how it's going to turn out...I got an F on the last one so I'm just praying that I do well enough on todays nightmare to pull a C in the class.

Note: a C is not an A.
Note: I want A's.
Note: This STRESSES me out!!

I have 2 more finals tomorrow that I need to be studying for but my brain is clogged and it hurts and I just want to put life on pause and just cry all day long.  I can't even help the tears that started trickling from my eyes since I began with this post.  I suppose it's a good thing to flush them out of my system, a little bit of a cope with the stress?

Little by little things are improving, getting my Unemployment checks, tomorrow I will finish finals...I should be all better right?  Hair, food, fat, holidays, getting into next semesters classes, the few friends that I do have that I have avoided in these past weeks and my moodiness with my family.

I don't want to be this person that I have become, living is so hard for me lately when I should feel relief about some things I don't, it's just a little rock and I have this huge mountain to move and it's scary and big and I know it's a mountain but I'm afraid of the obstacles that I know are inevitable.

I know what I want and I'm struggling for it and grabbing at it but it's slipping from my fingers and there is this gravity that is pulling me the opposite way and I can't breathe.  I try to breathe and the air goes into my lungs but it's not breath, it's just air inside my lungs.

It must get better.  It must or what's to become of me?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

It's Thursday and I'm still alive!

I'm soooooooooo tired!!  And I'm sooooooooooo glad it's Thursday night which begins my weekend.  My weekend of studying like a beast for Finals on Monday and Tuesday.

Maybe.  Maybe I'm not AS soooooo for Thursday as I thought.

But I still am pretty glad, this week has been busy and now I'm on the straightaway.  Now time is mine to focus on studying as opposed to juggling assignments for classes.

Good Things happened today.  I received 8 weeks worth of unemployment checks (money in the bank)!!!! Still a month to go but I have faith that the checks are in the mail!  My math teacher gave us where we are at grade-wise and I have a 95% AN "A" Y'ALL!!  If my calculations are correct (which they probley are since I'M GETTING AN "A" IN MATH!!!) I have to pull at least a mid "C" to keep my "A."  My classmates and I are getting together to study the night before.  A few people from my Sociology class are also getting together before the final to study too.  This is Geek Good News I'm not a Lone Ranger on the Finals Battlefield!

Trying to survive the holidays.  There is food everywhere and it's difficult to be around but I'm surviving and pretending to be a normal person and maybe one day I won't have to pretend anymore.

You listening Santa? Here's a recap: A's, $$ and Normality.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

And Breath-HOLD IT!

Last night I said to myself, "Tomorrow is gonna be a better day.  Tomorrow things will work out and I'll be okay."

Some of you have been reading my blog for a long time (hug-hug! kiss-kiss!) and know the money situation (Yes, each word linx a diff post).  So today, finally I had a phone interview with an unemployment person and I'll be getting checks in the mail again!! Yippee!!!  For 3 and half months I've been watching my savings account slowly shrink so you can imagine how relieved I was this morning after I got the news!

Whew! Glad that stress is over.

One stress down. 2,482,108,333,375,293 to go.
(give or take one.)

And eating wise I'm overloading on protein from now on because I'm losing hair like crazy.  And nuts too, need more omega-3's.  Oh yeah and I probably should be consuming more calcium too and see if my period comes back?  Scratch that last one, reproduction is over-rated.

(I saw a video.)

(I cannot be convinced otherwise.)

ED - 2, Flushed - 0.


And as for the comments on the last couple jolly ole posts....  Have I told you all lately that I LOVE YOU? I do.

(In the non-creepy way, of course.)

(Isn't it sad that we have to clarify the way that we love people nowadays?  It's like damn, there are THAT MANY CRAZIES out there that we have to put a disclaimer on this ish?!)

(If only Britney hadn't shaved her head, the world would have been a saner place. I'm convinced.  Sorry Brit, but you're big-time.  You know this.)

I digress.

PrettyWreck - I [non-creepily] love you! (if you don't read her blog just get the hell out cuz she's UH-MAZING! An I S P I R A T I O N !!) (Just kidding don't go nowhere!) (Read her blog though kay? Kay.)
I can't even begin to describe how wonderful your comment was, the Superman Syndrome HAH! I'm totally using that now!  And...and....WOW.  You are so wise and you comment really put things into perspective and the song is perfect.

(somebody e-mail me the mp3? K thanx.)

(that's right, I'm not done with you yet!!)

I feel better, it's amazing what...what...erm....catching up on a few++ days worth of restroom trips (ED-3, Flushed-0.) can do to your mood...and the scale, which, of course, linx rite back to mood enhancement =)

You're probably wishing you just clicked away after the vid huh?

Well, I must get back to studying now. Only like a week until finals. Not that that stopped my teachers from trying to squeeze in last minute projects, exams and essays.


Not that I'm bitter.



Have I told you all lately that I [non-creepily] love you? Okay, just wanted to make sure you got that. Hug-hug! Kiss-kiss!

[non-creepily.] yours,

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm all kinds of stressed and I don't know how to quit it.  I'm stressed out, anxious and worried about everything on the face of the planet.

Correction: I'm stressed out, anxious and worried about everything on the face of the planet that directly concerns me

I think everybody in my family is contaminated with Control Freak Syndrome.  They are all so concerned with helping and fixing other people, it's commendable, don't get me wrong but a person has to want to help themselves.  It's concern.  My cousin tries and has tried repeatedly to help her brother who is in and out of prison (mostly in, notsomuch out) and now again he's back in the environment that influenced the behavior that puts in that 8x8.  

My mom raised her.  

My mom, who is beyond anxious for her husband to get a job.  I could be far off base here with my little theory but when you want to let somebody know about xyz company hiring, the first thing out of your mouth probably shouldn't be, "I know it's a touchy subject but is Hubs looking for a job?" and the answer is less than enthusiastic "....No." They might not want to hear whatever it is you have to say about that and I'm guessing that they might feel a bit failurish.  Maybe a simple, "I hear xyz company is hiring" and move on, throw it out and reel it in, if she's interested she'll bite if not get her mind off of it and move on, she'll forget about it.

It's not that I don't care about these people, of course I do, I love them.  I do feel that it's their issue, not mine so I should butt out of it.  They are smart people, they know their situation and they know what they need to do to change it.  Let them know about something I hear about that they may be interested in? Sure, throw it out and leave it, if they want it they'll take it.  I did my part.

In other news, my blood may or may not be made of ice.

And on to more important things on this planet. 


I'm StressBucket of Bulimic Behavior.  

Pass my classes.
Get into classes.
Pay Bills.
Get Unemployment Insurance back.
Survive the holidays.
Lose Weight.
Don't gain weight.
Don't fall apart.
Don't fall apart.
Don't fall apart.

Can somebody tell the world to just stop already so I can--take a vacation!

Gloria Gaynor & The Little Engine that Could are my new mantras.

I Will Survive!
I think I can, I think I can!

Monday, November 30, 2009

All throughout the day scenarios play out in my head.  Continuous dialogue streams in the background of my mind of random scenarios that range from the fantastic to realistic (with a twist of lime and shot of tequila).

In the background today my mom asked me about Thanksgiving and struggled through asking me if I threw up or made myself sick.  I don't know how to answer, I want to laugh and roll my eyes and say, "Oh yeah, with everyone there, yeah right." all sarcastic with that Idontwanttotalkaboutit,Igotitundercontrol in the undertones.

And then I don't want to answer at all, just leave it like, "Do you really have to ask?" And then my mom frowns and looks to the floor as if the right words might magically appear but the wood reflects back in her sad eyes when she sighs and say, "Oh can't do this to yourself, you're not fat.  You look great. You can't lose anymore weight..." and I cut her off and tell her that I'm dealing with it and it was a bad weekend but oh well, that's my life, I made my bed now I have to (refurnish? lol) sleep in it and all I can do is try and get better. I just want to be healthy. And my mom will nod, defeated, her daughter is too smart and too stubborn for her words to penetrate and all she can do is hope that this intelligent beautiful girl with so much potential (yeah, yeah, don't we all wish we really were what our mothers see us to be?!) can either climb out of this hole that she has dug herself into or swallow her pride and ask for help.  And pray that she turns it around before it spirals out of control.

I just want to be healthy.

It's a lie.  A half truth, really.  The broken record of disorder dialogue continues, I keep thinking, Eff it, I'd rather be disordered and thin than fat and "healthy." 

I want both.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I have hope that I can and I will be but this hole effed up dialogue? It's got to stop.

The dialogue continues and I can't tell if it's disordered or not or both or what.  I fear that if I gain through the holidays it will inevitably lead to worsening ED and if I can cost until New Years, losing or at least maintaining but not gaining then the New Year could be magically ED free! Or ED easier, really.


Calgon take me away.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thanks for Nothing

I thought I could handle this long weekend away but I can't.  Stress and anxiety and food, food, food have not done a body good.  I would have been better off at home.  I can't wait to get back to put an end to this growing snowball of doom & gloom.

I have been trying to do a smidge of exercise. Lunges and sit-ups to remind my muscles that I need them and I want them there.

The weekend had penalized me days of steps back with it's sweet trickery.  The wheels in my head are turning, to plan the best way to undo the damage.

I'm thinking of daily doses of exercise DVD's and healthy balances of mini meals.  Diet Pills.  Water.  Whatever is gonna get me there.

My throat hurts.

Cheers to better days and surviving the holidays.

(Read: I still have an inkling of hope.)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Let me count the ways...

that I have failed.

or not.

Yeah. I'm voting for not. So I won't, since this is a Flushocracy, so what I say goes!

(Can you tell I'm an only child?)


And also, I'd rather not just kick myself when I'm down.  Or twist the knife that's already engorged in my gaping wound.

(Dramatic much?)

(Viva la Flushocracy!!)

So, like I said, I've failed.  Or got a D. I'm voting for D, since D is "need improvement" and I am in some serious need.  (Clearly.)

I tried to incorporate the carbs, I tried to incorporate the dairy (outside of eggwhites) and that has essentially been the decline on the whole diet front.  More and more, I keep reaching for said food over the veggies and fruits that have done my body good and it's got to stop.

Not fighting an incredible urge to reach for the eject button on the calorie keeper?

I know not of this Fantasy of which you speak.

(seriously, a literal eject button on the convenient would that be!!)

(You See!! These are the "D" rated thoughts that need improvement!!)

("D" for disordered.  Nice.)

I digress.

I need a reformation! Since these problematic foods are no longer in my kitchen (I wish I could tell you I threw them in the trash.)  I've decided with the help of my bloated belly and acidic taste in mouth to not buy them  anymore.  These items are addicting and causing me distress.  DIE DEVIL BIRDS!!

From now on, it's Vegetables.
It's Fruits!
It's nuts. It's eggwhites. It's WOOTS!!
It's woots for healthy!
It's woots for "A's"!
It's cheers for days that go my way!
I'll be Fabulous!
I'll be Thin!
I'll wear tiny clothes that fit!

(I think my watermelon was spiked.)

(And I like it.)


(Or I'm delirious and light headed.)

(Either way.)

So anyhoodle, Thanksgiving is Thursday and I'm going to Visalia and that makes it harder because I won't have the sanctity of home to run to.  And I'll have lots of drinking and lively conversation and dranking to participate in.  So that sucks.  I mean, y'know cuz alcohol has calories and stuff.  Some things in life are just wrong.

Like writing essays.


Okay, I have to write an essay now.  Pray for me, I suck at essays.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Me vs Myself & Me and Myself vs Life.

I'm finding life a little harder than usual as of late.  It's dark out and thus my mood and my thoughts seem to want to follow this seasonal trend.  

Can somebody hypnotize me and make me like a sane person?  
A non-disordered person?  

It's not that I don't believe that I am capable of this behavior but it's hard and I'm American so a quick-easy-way-out fix is ever so welcomed!

I'm trying not to stress but I stress none the less.

I'm trying to keep myself together but I keep looking control and the evidence is on my lips.  Nope, it's not food this time.  I have fever blisters, I've gotten them ever since I was young.  My mood goes south, my stress level goes north and ugliness arrives on my lips further perpetuating this spiral that continully goes in the wrong direction.  I got invited to go out for drinks tomorrow with some people that I play softball with, I am now regretting the acceptance of this invitation as said ugliness has got me further down.

But playing into this cycling will do nothing, if not keep me from getting closer to my dreams.  I must learn to turn a negative into a positive.  (I'm lookin at you UglinessThatSprungOnMyLip!)  It's a clear indication that I am not taking good care of myself.  And I type those words knowing that this seems to be a recurring theme in my posts lately, in other words, I continue to spiral further down. 


My days have not been bad.  They truly haven't, I'm just stressing.  My life has not taken this terrible turn for the worst, it's my thoughts that have been slipping through the cracks.  They are not where I'd like them to be.  (all HappyPants!)

The longing and the craving is increasing and I find my thoughts are plotting Scarf&Barfs.  It's already gone too far! When I was feeling good, I did not long for all the bad stuff, the junk food, the junk-everything.  I felt good about what I was doing, having confidence that my actions where paving the path to where I needed to go.  But as I get closer, the doubts are springing up, I'm feeling the pressure and my pace is slowing.  

What is this?  
Am I somewhat afraid to succeed?  

Not succeeding but sustaining success, that's where I worry.  
I [more or less] know the path but I don't know what I'm going to do once I get there.  It's so much easier to be a failure than to succeed and fall backward.  Better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?  

I am trying.  I truly am but here on this blog, it all comes to surface.  I can lie to myself and be in a deceitful world of denial but, again, it only makes the obstacles to my personal dreamlife that much more and I will not be that person.  

(I will fight not to be that person.)

I will clean my room and do my laundry tomorrow.  I will clean out my purse (I would be surprised if I discovered a new species of animal in there or a 3 ring circus perhaps... the possibilities are endless).  Small things that will improve my mood, I'm sure of it!

I'm still debating whether I will brave the public and be all social with this thing on my lip (seriously, it's hideous).  I'm considering just stopping by for a minute just to go, so I'm just a itty-bitty flake and not a monster of one but... we shall see what tomorrow brings.  

Tomorrow I am confident that it will be a good day, despite that I have 2 exams coming up 

(Or 3...)

but I have the weekend to study.  I will survive.  I will strive on.

Tuesday started off pretty horribly and turned around so why the hell not the rest of the year?


I CAN DO IT!! Sure I can.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hopefully NEXT weekend will be better

Friday was a total family day.  

In the afternoon we had lunch at a Mexican restaurant, I didn't eat because I'm broke and, of course, because eating out terrifies me!  (The latter of the two I kept to myself obviously) My Cis then kidnapped me, she, her hubby and the kids were coming over that night because my mom was making lasagna so we had it all worked out.

We took a trip to Costco after our extended lunch of talking and me playing with her baby whilst they gorged on fatty mexican food.  I made sure to eat prior so that temptation wouldn't be an issue. (It worked) But after a 2 and half hour lunch and going to Costco, I wasn't immune to the samples...but I wasn't bad.  The fact that my cousin had already eaten and wasn't tempted kept my feet on solid ground.  When I got home I was HUNGRY, the sample snacking just wasn't cutting it.  I had a small and light meal so that I would keep my cool at dinner time knowing that toast and eggplant parmesean was on the menu (vegetarian friendly).

Two glasses of wine later dinner was ready.  Oh yeah, and bruschetta.

Have I ever told you how bread is my achilles heel?

Well, it is and I hate myself.  I'm pretty sure I ate my weight in bread and then on top of that the breaded eggplant and salad and [veggie]cheese and wine and wine and more bread and wine.

Family night means no purging.  Plus, my mom knows about my bulimia, she would have known.  She was already concerned when she saw how much I was eating.  (You'd think that'd snapped me out of it) (Eff you wine! Blinding me so, and weakening my will)

So Saturday I stayed around 500 calories.

And then Sunday. Oh Sunday.

I thought I was okay today and then I broke.  I started freaking out.  The thing is, when we went to Costco my cousin printed pictures going back a few months right up to a few days before Halloween when we where carving pumpkins.  I'm so fat.  I'm so ugly.  I just hate myself.  My skin is terrible.  I have these enormous pimples flooding my cheeks that refuse to go away.  I just want to hide out and never be seen again....oh wait.  That's pretty much what I've done yesterday and today (minus playing softball).

The scale had been hovering a bit at 17.5 (it rounds to the nearest half a pound) and yet there's picture evidence, I'm still fat as hell.  It's not good enough.  I won't be acceptable until at least 110.

I hate my body.
I'm an ugly.

But I won't give up.
I will be skinny.
I will be thin.
My life will get better.

Monday, November 2, 2009

You All Are So, Sooooo Wonderful! I love you!

You're all so damn right!  It kills me.

Wallow in self-pity?
No. My lovely and dear commenters are simply not having it.

Thank you for that!  This dreaded word "can't" need not apply to me (or any of us!).

"Can't" I want a restraining order, stop stalking me you Can't-arazzi!

Here are some pick-me-up-quotes that I've come across in the past week or two...enjoy.

“Good enough
n e v e r   

-- Debbi Fields

I can change. 
I can live out my imagination 
instead of my memory. 
I can tie myself to my limitless potential 
instead of my limiting past.”

-- Stephen Covey

C h a n g e

It has the power to uplift, 
to heal, to stimulate, surprise
open new doors, bring fresh experience 
and create excitement in life. 

Certainly it is worth the risk.” 

-- Leo Buscaglia

“We have the need to be  a c c e p t e d  and to be loved by others, 
but we cannot accept and love ourselves
The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. 
Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and 
self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be 
p e r f e c t 
n e v e r   m e a s u r i n g   u p  
to that ideal. 
Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves the way we are, 
and why we don't accept others the way they are.” 

-- Don Miguel Ruiz 

“Good enough
n e v e r   

-- Debbi Fields

“How do we keep our inner fire alive
Two things, at minimum, are needed: 
An ability to appreciate the positives in our life
And a commitment to action
Every day, it’s important to 
ask and answer these questions: 
What’s good in my life?’ and
What needs to be done?’” 

-- Nathaniel Branden 

“ ...what I focus on in life is what I get

And if I concentrate on how bad I am or how wrong I am 
or how inadequate I am, 
if I concentrate on what I can’t do and 
how there’s not enough time in which to do it, 
isn’t that what I get every time? 
And when I think about how powerful I am, and 
when I think about what I have left to contribute, and 
when I think about the difference I can make on this planet, 
then that’s what I get. You see, I recognize that 
it’s not what happens to you; 
it’s what you do about it.” 

-- W. Mitchell