Monday, December 14, 2009

Losing my Ground

I'm stressed.  Really. Stressed.  My hair is coming out in clumps and I'm certainly not starving.  (I don't think...1,000+ cals/day and it's healthy.) (Oh yeah and I'm 5'3" so....I'm a shorty.)  I'm so frustrated and I'm bitchy and, oh yeah did I mention that I'm stressed and my drain is clogging up?  Literally and figuratively, I can feel it in my head, in my body, in my mind there is this incredible weight, a constipation (oh yeah, that too-literally/figuratively), if you will.  This week is finals and my toughest one was this morning, I don't even know what to say about it because I have no clue on how it's going to turn out...I got an F on the last one so I'm just praying that I do well enough on todays nightmare to pull a C in the class.

Note: a C is not an A.
Note: I want A's.
Note: This STRESSES me out!!

I have 2 more finals tomorrow that I need to be studying for but my brain is clogged and it hurts and I just want to put life on pause and just cry all day long.  I can't even help the tears that started trickling from my eyes since I began with this post.  I suppose it's a good thing to flush them out of my system, a little bit of a cope with the stress?

Little by little things are improving, getting my Unemployment checks, tomorrow I will finish finals...I should be all better right?  Hair, food, fat, holidays, getting into next semesters classes, the few friends that I do have that I have avoided in these past weeks and my moodiness with my family.

I don't want to be this person that I have become, living is so hard for me lately when I should feel relief about some things I don't, it's just a little rock and I have this huge mountain to move and it's scary and big and I know it's a mountain but I'm afraid of the obstacles that I know are inevitable.

I know what I want and I'm struggling for it and grabbing at it but it's slipping from my fingers and there is this gravity that is pulling me the opposite way and I can't breathe.  I try to breathe and the air goes into my lungs but it's not breath, it's just air inside my lungs.

It must get better.  It must or what's to become of me?


  1. I feel your pain!
    Every blog lately (including mine) has been filled with complaints of binges or inability to starve.
    What's going on? We're all in the same unfortunate sync.

  2. it's true. I am glad you get to be done exams tomorrow, so do I and then I intend to put everything back together again! I am sure everything will get better once you do not have to stress about exams any more. Good Luck!

  3. If you have finals don't be afraid to feed your brain okay? It needs it. But try your best to make it healthy stuff. As far as the hair loss, wait until after finals. It could just be from stress. We lose hair daily, everyone does, atleast 100 strands a day. I don't notice it because my hair is short, but the longer it gets the more I notice.

    If you notice BIG chunks or balding, that is a different story.

    Even if you aren't starving you could be lacking with some nutrients. Try and take some multi vitamins and balance your diet. Best of luck. hang in there.

  4. make it through your finals then you can cry for a day maybe its what you need you put into words how ive been feeling lately im thinking it might be xmas stress with me

    i have a similar motto to you

    it will get better because it has to

    i know your stong those 76 days(no i didnt remeber the exact number i read the side but i knew it was 70-something) without purging prove that . you inspired me to keep trying not to purge because youve shown it can be done

    stay strong and ace that final :)


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