Monday, December 21, 2009

Comment on Bread Battle #2043848303.

I wanted to highlight a comment I received on yesterdays post and go through the many thoughts that raced through my mind while reading it. 

What do you ladies think of this comment?  What is your inner dialogue saying as you read it line by line?

On Dec 21, 2009, at 12:31 AM, what if summer... wrote:

what if summer... has left a new comment on your post "Bread Battle #2043848303": 

I know this sounds like a daft question, but really what is so bad about getting fat? You're clearly terrified of it, but what difference would it make if you gained 10 lbs? Sure, it would change you physically, but would you be so shallow as to dictate your whole personality and enjoyment of life based on what you see in the mirror? Would you let your waistline cripple your ability to function in a relationship? You want to be smart and charming and have meaningful relationships, but what do any of those things have to do with what size pants you wear? Getting old and losing youthful beauty/slimness is all part of life, and the longer you focus on escaping it, the more of life you will leave un-lived. 

You don't need to punish yourself. You need to embrace who you are and stop comparing yourself to everyone around you. Equating beauty to happiness and a great personality is such a ridiculous notion. You are smarter than that, and I hate to see you delude yourself to such a crippling, self-loathing extent. I only know your personality, and I like it. What you look like is completely irrelevant. 

Anyone who is any good for you would agree with me.

-Summer 



Posted by what if summer... to f l u s h e d at 21.12.09


Here's mine:
I know this sounds like a daft question, but really what is so bad about getting fat? (I'd be FAT!! What do you mean, "what's so bad about it"!!) You're clearly terrified of it (with good reason! It's FAT.), but what difference would it make if you gained 10 lbs? (I'd be FAT. And ugly and my clothes would look gross(er) and I'd be big. YUCK!) Sure, it would change you physically, but would you be so shallow as to dictate your whole personality and enjoyment of life based on what you see in the mirror? (Yaa! -wait.  that's sounds wrong-but but I live in California, the first thing people notice is how fat I am!-wait. That sounds kinda wrong too....I know people who aren't thin and it doesn't affect how much I like them....oh shoot.  I probably shouldn't notice how much they weigh huh? That's judging. I judge. CASE IN POINT: SIZE MATTERS!!!) Would you let your waistline cripple your ability to function in a relationship? (This is getting bad....I do. I do let it cripple me.  This comment is sooo mean! Ugh. She doesn't UNDERSTAND!!) You want to be smart and charming and have meaningful relationships, (Yes, yes I do....if only....thin and smart and charming and meaningful relationships, what a fantastic life that will be...) but what do any of those things have to do with what size pants you wear? (Aah Fuuuu....she's right. She's absolutely right, I can be all those things and they have no relationship to being thin.  Not really anyway.  I want to be thin because those things would be easier because I would feel all pretty and small and cute and confident-this is what she's getting at isn't it.  My mind is warped in this thinking, my cousin gained some weight and she is confident and beautiful and charming and smart, she'd like to lose some pounds but she still seems to love her body.  How does that work? Loving your body if it is not thin, if it does not look the way that you want it to?  Acceptance.  I must learn to accept it, then it wouldn't be like this.  Then all those other things would come sooner but this mind warp is getting in the way of those things....she's so right and I hate it.) Getting old and losing youthful beauty/slimness is all part of life, (right. damnit, she's making way too much sense.  All I want to be is thin!!) and the longer you focus on escaping it, the more of life you will leave un-lived. (...oh my gawd, I'm killing myself with this obsession with losing weight.  I wasting my life focusing on one thing and making everything else in life dependent on it.  She is so right and I make no sense.  I need to hear this.   I need to know this....but I'm still thinking that I want to be thin and then I'll listen....fuck.)

You don't need to punish yourself. (It's hurting me, I can see that but I still feel the NEED.) You need to embrace who you are and stop comparing yourself to everyone around you. (I do. I will, just let me get thin first.  Just let me indulge in this eating disorder, it's keeping me sane....) Equating beauty to happiness and a great personality is such a ridiculous notion. (You don't understand it's the disorder! -wait, that's an excuse.  If I can recognize it as disordered than I have a responsibility to change it, doing nothing and indulging would only further perpetuate this cycle that I'm so unhappy in.  Seriously, I cried because I ate bread  and  feel so incredibly guilty and depressed over it that I think the only salvation would be to make myself puke it up and then I would be upset because I made myself puke instead of being healthy.) You are smarter than that, (I thought I was...posts like this are evidence to the contrary) and I hate to see you delude yourself to such a crippling, self-loathing extent. I only know your personality, and I like it. (How AWESOME is that!  Woot! Woot!) What you look like is completely irrelevant. (Hmmmm......she's right.) (Again.)

Anyone who is any good for you would agree with me. (Right. Right. Right.)

-Summer

After thought:

I can't believe the emotion that went through me while reading this comment.  I was annoyed and angry at Summer! Can you believe that?!  I even want to delete it at first but decided against it since I decided when I made this blog to maintain my honest and this comment was honest even if it spotlights my idiocy.  When I wrote the last post I was upset and anxious and when I read this comment I thought, at first, that Summer is so mean and she doesn't understand at all! But then after she so articulately made her reasonable point (after reasonable point after reasonable point...) I started to realize how I have gotten completely irrational and my mind is completely drowning in this desire to be thin, no matter how much I can talk the healthy, rational talk in the real world my inner dialogue is completely warped and irrational. 

I THANK Summer for this comment is was a slap in the face of realization and oh so much needed!!  It really put things into perspective.  I'm not gonna lie, thin is still constantly on my mind but when I make decisions about food/exercise (and whether or not to puke) I really need to remember this comment and remind myself to listen and take action based upon the voice that is grateful to Summer and not the one that was all panicky and angry with her.

Have you noticed that when people cannot rationally explain their position get all annoyed and then angry?  That's ego, baby.  Or what some of us call "ED."  It's the irrational voice of wrong and negative emotions.

Obvy, this voice is not so easy to quiet as it is manipulative and aims it's shots right at your weaknesses.

I really do want to get better and get what I want the healthy way.

Thank you again Summer.

6 comments:

  1. As soon as I saw the title here I kind of had a feeling you were referring to my comment...
    now I am thoroughly embarrassed lol

    -Summer

    ReplyDelete
  2. She's right. We know it.
    But it's not our shallowness in this battle.
    It's the shallowness of the world.
    Everything is pretty much about looks nowadays.
    Now you may not want to believe that, but we're all pretty sure it's true.

    I'm almost certain most of my friends think daily "thank 'enter higher power of choice here' I'm thin/beautiful etc"

    To me, life is different when you're thin.
    I'd be a whole new person.
    I'd probably have a different personality.

    With an eating disorder, it does affect other things. It'd not just an excuse.
    I'm so moody and snappy now that I'm eating because I hate myself for it.
    And I hate how my friends just keep loosing weight without doing anything.
    They're half the size of me and yet any comment about loosing some weight is, 'ohhh no you don't! it's just your boobs'
    Yea. Right.

    The community on here is amazing yet hypocritical at the same time.
    We have no idea what we all look like.
    Yet we've become friends through our writings and personalities.
    That's how the world should be.
    Granted that's how friends are made, but judging still goes on.
    If any of us were to post a picture of someone who was 200lbs most of us would be scared that we look like that or end up like that if we stop counting, but if someone posted an after picture of them self at 200lbs, down from lets say 250, we'd praise them for the brilliant work and to keep it up.
    How good they look.

    EVERY little thing about this disorder is wrong.
    But, to me, in this world and everything going on, it's the only thing right.
    Having an eating disorder is bullshit.
    But it's still got worth to it.

    Summer seems like a smart good-hearted person, and I thank you for caring.
    The last thing I ever want is for any of us to get hurt.
    (Again with the hypocrisy, all we do is encourage unhealthy behaviour.)

    Ahh I don't know.
    I hope this comment made sense.

    Flushed my dear.
    I wish you the best in getting better. I know you can do it.
    I'm here if you ever need some extra support.
    Much love.
    Layla
    x

    ReplyDelete
  3. irrational brain but rational enough to already know what summer said just not enough to actually think like that

    if i was 10lbs heavier id be back where i was a year ir so ago hating the mirror everysingle day barley able to get out the house

    Summer i hope one day to be able to find your perspective

    good luck flushed

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can't keep it back. Although my words are not ones of wisdom or filled with healthy encouragement I'll say it all the same. When I read Summer's comment (which I did...because I stalk you =] j/k) I felt she was presumptuous in a very condescending manner.

    Although her words were well-meant, they seemed arrogant. To me, it felt like she was treating you like a child running in front of cars and you needed her higher knowledge to inform you to stay on the sidewalk.

    She was very sweet about it though (in an ifIdon'tsaythisnicelyshe'llignoremycommentkindofway) and obviously she spoke the truth. The truth will never be pretty though. If honesty became attractive, maybe we would stop shoving our fingers down our throats and abandon starving. Maybe it's just me, but my lies feel like the only reality that's easy to stare at, to breathe in, to fix my existence into something worthwhile.

    I respected Summer's honesty, but that doesn't make her right.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. All the same conflicting thoughts that you had raced through my mind when i read the comment too. It's so maddeningly confusing. Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
  6. She's right, in certain aspects of it. Eating disorders aren't just about being thin though... at least not for me. It's psychological. It's about the number on the scale going down, the feeling of winning, accomplishing something difficult, I LIKE seeing my ribs and hip bones stick out. I like the feeling of a nauseous burning empty stomach and head rushes from standing up too fast. I like the control. I know I'm fucking insane, and I know I have to get over this obsession if I ever want to live past 25, and I do agree with this girl's comment, being thin isn't everything. But every other part of it along with being thin is everything to me.

    ReplyDelete

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