Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Voice in My Head

So tomorrow night is the last night of 2009 and I have nothing to do.  The voices of Bulimia are drowning out my rational thought.  Or trying, at least.  I'm really trying to hang on to my streak, today is day 21.  Do I really want to start off the new year at day 1?  I mean it is fitting, right? Day 1 for the first day of the year, how odd is day 23?  It's not even round as far as weeks go.

This is hard.  I hate being alone when every person is supposed to be with people having a good time.  Everybody will ask how I "rang in the New Year" and I will say that I hung out with an old friend?  In other words, I resorted to bulimia, with tons of food, fingers down my throat and my head in a toilet.


I'm pathetic.  What kind of person doesn't have a close friend?  At least one person that will always be there?  A pathetic person that who.  Me.  What does that say about me as a person?  A bad friend?  A bad person?

I don't know how to make friends or be one.  I can blame; my mom for not having friends for not showing me the way, for being judgmental and self-conscious.  In all honesty, I do sort of blame her but no matter who or how much I blame it doesn't matter because it changes nothing.  My mom did the best she could raising me and the things she failed to teach me... well, one of my teachers would always say, You don't know what you don't know and she didn't know.  Blaming is such a waste.  I'm an adult and obviously recognize what the problem is and now it's my responsibility to learn what I wasn't taught and teach myself.

But still tomorrow night plagues my thoughts, it will be so hard to get through the night and wake up the following morning to day 23.   In fact the thought of tomorrow night makes me want to binge right now as it is, imagine being in the moment.

I hate this.

Why bulimia?


  1. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. The holidays can just be the worst sometimes. I wish I lived near you so that we could hang out together and not purge in the new year!

    Hang in there if you can. 23 days is an AMAZING accomplishment in my book! I envy you. You are stronger then you know.


  2. Mia comes up with the most persusive arguments, doesn't she? Making that nice symbolic equation between the first day of the new year and the first day of the new you, which of course means you have to break your winning streak in order to start over... very clever! I've been trying to think of a different way to spin the numbers and, unfortunately, I can't. You're just going to have to distract yourself until tomorrow.

    And you know who else doesn't have any close friends with whom to ring in the new year? Me. I have made exactly zero friends since moving here a year and a half ago, and I don't even know how to go about it. So you are not alone in being alone!

    Be strong! We're all with you!

  3. okay my computer BLOWS!!! I just had this completely inspirationly comment and it erased instead of posted...damit all!!! okay so heres the cann either ring in the new year on day 23 (yes an odd number) or you start at day 1 or heres the third option....and this one really does may end your life on december 31st 2009...and never make it to 2010...I dont know but when you put in those kind of kinda seems like a no brainer. So lock your doors, windows and anything else the bastard could sneak in through...turn off your phone, put up a "ED NOT WELCOME" sign and do some serious ED ass ca do this odd number or not 23 sounds allot better then dead. As for being alone on new years...Im with the crew... even my 6 yr old daughter has been invited to a new years eve party...I on the other hand will be ringing in the new yr with my 5 yr old and alvin and the chipmunks...yes I know Im cool...anyway..happy new year and happy day got this faith in you.

    all my love, Tara

  4. I don't have a close friend either... I don't even have friends. It sucks bad eh?
    23 days... that is AMAZING! You made it through the holiday hooplah without a purge, that takes some serious will power!
    Break up with Mia in 2010?

  5. I think a lack of friends could also be Mia and Ana's fault. They take you all to themselves and lock you away and don't let anyone else ever come in close. They take over your entire life, and that's just the way they like it; i mean, if you had a friend, he/she would probably try to take Mia and Ana away, right? They couldn't have that! So they don't let you have friends at all. Stay strong, love. Don't let Mia trick you into something else you know you don't want.

  6. I don't have any real friends either... DH says it's cause of ANA, that I wont let people get close to me or they'd notice... Whatever...
    (yeh, I know that's probably why.. I'm just defiant)
    I'll be alone tonight too - but, please don't listen to Mia! We can do this! I'm hoping for a Mia free 2010.

  7. Hi there, luv. I'm "alone" with just my parents at their house tonight. Very quiet New Year's night. I don't have "close friends" like you mention, either. Just me. Mostly I'm fine with that because it let's me indulge my ED without worry. But sometimes it sucks. I'm currently home these past couple days, trying to make sure I keep my weight at it's all-time low and don't gain because of weather, trying to hardly eat, etc. Best of luck to you this new year! You are not alone.

  8. (aww huuggs)! i feel for you babes. i just wish i lived near you and we could spend our newyears eve together, imagine how fun that would have been?
    i think you're a really lovely person, through the comments you leave, the humour in your blogs...i would never be able to tell that you're all alone. i think everyone deserves a special friend, and you know we are all your special friends, you can always come to us.
    but i know how you feel, i was bullied at school and i had no friends, but hunni, you cant stay in that ditch forever, go and talk to someone, they are definetly as nervous as you aRE, truuust me, there is someone out there who was made to be your best friend. just be your funny self, you dont have to be someone different, just be yourself, we like you for who you are, and so will other people, you just have to have be a little more outgoing. :) i'm here for you babes, just stay strong! :) x God Bless. Jen.

  9. hope you thanked the skinny gods and went to that friend's

    i have no close friends yet alot of people think im a good friend but i dont have any really close ones and i think it because bulmia and other stuff doesnt let me i cant let people close to me ive worked so hard putting up the im really happy front i dont know how to let it drop

    and well we all know ed refuses to let you go easily and friends threaten that

    dont blow the streak xx

  10. Flushed - I LOVE your blog! I spent last night reading every post of yours (what a way to celebrate 2010, eh?) and it helped a lot, otherwise i would have eaten, so thanks again. For the lovely blog, for distracting me and - yeah. Haha.
    Uhm. What exactly is going on with theElec. now?
    Hm about the friends thing ... Well. I guess it really could be part of being Ana / Mia.
    Because obviously we have issues and are not the most happy people in the world so maybe that affects our social skills, too?
    And no 2. personally I have found myself avoiding friends or family because of the social snacking. Only yesterday, I could have gone and celebrated at my parent's friends with them but I knew they had food there so I said no thanks. Haven't you done this before?
    Your cousins a couple months ago, and the bikini issue? When they offered to pay for the gas but you didn't go because of your ed? No wait. Because of the fat. don't matter, it's ed stuff.
    Maybe that's it ...
    Weirdly enough, you seem to be such a nice girl and I guess I'd love to be friends with you if I knew you in person. Haha.
    Yeah ... so ... well, maybe you do have friends, though? I mean you and your cousins seem pretty close?
    Anyhow. Like your blog.


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