Ya what of it?

I'm so jealous of thin people.  When I look in the mirror I try to suck it in and twist and turn but there is no disguising the weight gain.  There is no escaping the tightness of my clothes.

Three days I did not do the Slim in 6 video but Monday I started up again. Tuesday I did it twice and today, once. I can feel and see the difference, my body is smoothing but not shrinking due to my eating (read: bingeing).  Monday was great but Tuesday and today I caved. I ate way too much and I panicked and ended up with the wrong end in the toilet bowl.

Obviously, I feel bad about puking but not as badly as I do about bingeing.  Puking, at least, gets rid of some calories.  Not that I really want to get back in the habit.  I'd much rather restrict.

So, you know where my head is at! That's right, the good ole Fukit mentality. I've even been drinking soda. 8 years without it and I'm back in the habit. Only this time I'm doing it without the calories. It's just too damn hot for coffee and I like the way the bubbles fill my stomach.

I don't know what to do about dieting and losing.  I have so much knowledge on the subject, like I'm sure all you girls do; I'm constantly looking up information on dieting, health, nutrition, weight loss, the body.... but maybe I've gotten to the point where I know so much I don't know where to begin.  Then there are my bodies needs and budgeting....the whole subject exhausts me lately.  Or perhaps that is the lack of eloctrolytes in my system right now? Either way. I just want to lose weight and for my jeans to be comfortable again (preferably too big!).  So if I do it by stupid and unhealthy means....fukit.

Hopeful

I told myself to stop.  

I yelled it. 

Screamed it. 

Begged it.  

Before. 

During. 

And After.  I lost the battle and gained the pounds and inches and guilt. My body disobeyed me. It continued in the kitchen doing the imfamous Kitchen Lardbutto with fervor.  I'd like to use the excuse that I have to write an essay and I have succumbed to the essay anxiety that has plagued me time and essay again. But alas, it matters not what I blame, the shame is with me just the same.  I refuse to purge it by puke.  That was Wednesdays episode that I don't care to repeat.

What's done is done and in the past. Time defies me and moves forward, it, like my body, is not stopped or slowed by my continual pleas.  

Still I plead.  

I am nothing, if not persistent. 

My cousin is on her way with bottles of wine. To drink and drown our sorrows so that when they are remembered they will be muddied and even less appealing than they were before.  Drinking may not make problems disappear but a break to escape in a fuzzy daze of tipsy giggles and ridiculousness will suffice for tonight.

Tomorrow will be a new day. A day of productivity.  Essays will be written. Clothes will be washed.  My exercise DVD will be followed with renewed energy and enthusiasm.  Food will be ignored.  And all will be right with the world again because I have written so in my blog. And we all know Universe Magic reads my blogs and follows through accordingly. 

I'm going to be some sweet ass thinspo some day soon ladies.

And so will you.

Persist.

Resist.

Be Fit.

Just Truckin along...

So far today I've had a protein shake (130cals...25g of protein!) and coffee with a bit of skim milk because I'm hoping it will sate me and I can then put off eating longer.  I'm sitting in Panera, like I do every other Tuesday while my home gets spiffied (<--that's a word to me blogger!!! So stick a straw in that puppy and suck it!) (Red dotted lines beneath MY Flushiful words annoy me) (Clearly.) 

All pants are tight on me.  My eating is all over the place.  My exercise regime is improving. (like....I actually HAVE something to be called an exercise regime–I'm lazy. Get over it.) I am now doing the Slim in 6 video that my mom's friend lent me.  I'm convinced that if my eating were where I'd like it to be I would be dropping el bees like a a wet mango slice (minus the sticky floors and counter, I just can't get a grip on that slimy sweetness!).

My mind is fighting creepy crawly thoughts of food.  Endless battle.  It's like swatting gnats. Those little shitheads are annoying. 

I'm outtie 5000. 100 cal pack of Cottage cheese w/strawberry sauce is on sale at Albertsons for $1 and I want an iPhone 4 so....eat less save more! An Apple of motivation!!

Think Bikini!

Don't I at least get points for TRYING?

After that last post I set my laptop aside went to the restroom bent over the toilet stood back up and sat back down.  That's right, I couldn't do it, it just wasn't worth it.  I don't want bulimia, I can't fall into that spiral again.  I'm already a whale, I don't need to turn into a Lochness Monster on steroids in a fur coat and spandex looking even bigger which is usually where bulimia takes me.  

I went to my ADORABLE nieces mini birthday shindig (the big one is on Saturday) and tried to slap a smiley on my face but truth be told, I was a crankyton.  I did a workout vid before I left and quiver me quads I am out of shape! I actually felt more bloated and huge after the workout thought I know it is worth it in the long run.  But still, I was feeling gross and it made it easier for dumb things like losing my patience at the store because my mom is taking too long.  But I could feel myself, and lemme tell, crankster don't feel good so I was trying to just relax and let it go! I mean REALLY what are we missing at a one year olds birthday party? Exactly. We weren't even late (which is surprising–we are Mexicans afterall).

AND THEN when we get to the mini party first thing I hear from Aunt Negatively Sarcastic is, "Oh. more balloons." with an eyeroll.  I was irked, but I know she doesn't mean anything by it, it's just her personality (the woman is 'the glass is half full challenged'). I shook it off and made my way to find happy little niece who was not so happy because my sis was trying to get the other pigtail up (she iz SOW KEWTE!) so I have her laughing and my sis snaps at me to leave her alone. 

I understand she was flustered, running around the past two days to prepare.  She has a lot going on with the get together tonight and the big birthday bash on Saturday, I get it.  It was me.  I was sensitive and feeling unloved and unwanted and a huge blubbery waste of space.  I took deep breathes and turned my attention towards my iPhone.  I wanted to run out of there and cry (and pour myself a double of the hard stuff). 

But I was determined not to let these minor nothings get to me and ruin my evening. Nobody likes a bump on a log and especially if that bump is my own self (I can't get away from this bitch!).  So I chatted it up and changed my attitude.  It was mighty efforty but by golly I dun it. And the night turned out to be pretty good.

MINUS the... Salad with cheese on it, too buttery breadsticks, ice cream cake and a small regular slice of cake. (And wine...but that's almost a given at this point XD).

I didn't go hog wild or even have that much of an urge to, really, which surprised me. But still, it was damage and I wasn't exactly thrilled with myself to say the least.  So when we got home at half past 10 at night, I went for a walk. It was a short one but I did manage to break a sweat and I even stopped at the park and sprinted the basketball court. (I'm über fat and out of shape though so I only managed one touch the line set.)

But OMG, I exercised! Can you believe that shit!? Me neither.  

The crazier part.  I actually want  to do it again tomorrow.

(I know right! Whoa.)

Thankies for all the comments! I was so excited! I forgot how awesome it was to receive comments! Woo! YOU LUV ME YOU REELIE LUV ME! Or you're just super bored.  Either way....I'll take what I can get \m/

Kelly, I read on Google Reader too! I have an app that keeps my purge-free streak for me :) It sucks I had to start over, but I am really proud of the streaks I have gotten! I don't want purging in my life. Love the silver lining :) I kind of mucked it up (cake and all) BUT (silver lining) i DID exercise!

B. Hmmmmm....I haven't pinpointed the cause exactly....I think it's a lot of things all jumbled together.  I tend to eat when I get worried or anxious or stressy....which is ALL THE TIME. (Curse you Flushed! I will rid myself of you! Mark my words!!!)

Kristal I posted. You're welcome.

(message me sometime! I need more laughs in my life!!!)

(laughs and awesomeness. I hear you have both....)

Alex YUSSS! I wish I was a little bit taller....I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl that look good I would call her.  I wish--Oh sorry, I like that song. I can't wish without it ;)

Sar YES IT DOES! YES I WILL! ummm...tomorrow, today was an oopsies. But it is own like Donkey Kong! Or not, really, cuz that mofo is big and hair and of the male persuasion so....I'm in to be stick thin?  ...I'll work on the catch case phrase....

Pasco I MISS YOU TOO!!!! 

See You're a sweety :) like calorie free See's Candy! (I'm working on the catch phrases, bare with me. I have good intentions!)

Epic Fail

Consumed: An entire box of chex cereal, half a large carton of blueberries, 1/3 a carton of Almond Breeze, a Diet Cocoa packet, 2 vegan patties, broccoli and carrots, fat free ceasar dressing, a bag of kettle korn, a can of v8, eggwhite, cheese and a wasa cracker. It's only 3pm.

Somebody please shoot me or take a machete to the fat on my body.  Also, i puked earlier only a bit though (to my dismay) perhaps only about 200 cals worth of all that is typed above.

And the lesson for today?  Don't go to the grocery store hungry.  Prior to the grocery store the only calories i had were from the can of v8 and I was going to exercise restraint and control... epic fail.

What worse? Oh yes, and there is worse. Today is my niece's first birthday and we are going over for a spaghetti dinner (with overly buttered garlic bread–my arch nemisis) and cupcakes and ice cream.

Oh god.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to try and get all that I can up and out of my tummy.

Liquidity

So here is something new and different I've been playing YoVille. Lame, I know this.  But Magenta has been over ALL. THE. TIME. and she is addicted to this damn game so as the old adage goes, if you can't beat 'em join 'em.  It is a fun lil game since she gives me endless coins and we run amuck (we're crazies).  BUT most importantly it keeps my mind occupied. (so don't judge.)

There are some setbacks when Magenta is around like not really being able to exercise or do anything constructive really.  On the upside, I'm more accountable for the things I say when I actually have a real life person in my presence.  I told her I was doing only liquids "to give my digestive system a break" which is sort of true but we all know I just want to do damage control on eating like a Glutton.  I was doing the whole liquid thing for....well, the plan was to go 10 days but hours after she left on the 3rd day, I caved and ate all kinds of madness.  The next day we drank and more bingery ensued in the form of quesadillas and cheese pizza. And before she even showed I was stuffed full of Lay's Light Potato Chips with Fat Free Sour Cream + Onion Dip...and other stuff. Really Flushed? REALLY!?  You disgust me you evil little alter ego you!

Yesterday I had all liquids (including margaritas...Baja Bob's Margarita Mix <-Lurve.) and today so far has been only liquids though my tummy is grumbling. I may allow myself one solid meal today...I just don't know what and I have to choose carefully so that I don't end up eating the entire contents of the kitchen (which isn't much considering the past few weeks...). I just don't know.  I hate food. Nothing really tastes good.

I disgust me.