Friday, July 31, 2009


Perusing the internet, I've been keeping note of articles I find interesting (having to do with weight loss, in some for or another). Maybe you ladies will too...

Behavior Modification 101: How to Beat Your Rationalizations at Their Own Game

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Like Mother, Like Daughter.

Tuesday it was French Bread. Today it was Magherita Pizza. (I resisted.)


My mother is a bad more ways than one.

My mom actually knows that I have issues with food and body image. She knows about the bulimia, just not the extent of it. Last year during a ihatemyjob emotional breakdown (could not NOT cry at work. Left. Cried. Took the next day off. was fugly) I finally told her that I hated my job and when she pressed on (because she could tell there was something more that I was bottling up and was spilling over) I told her that I was bulimic. But I told her that I was done with it. That I hadn't done it in a month. Which at the time was pretty true (minus the breakdown days).

Oh but there's more...

She said that she has done it too! She told me that she did it a lot when she and my dad divorced (21ish years ago) and has done it sporatically throughout the years (very vague) when she eats an uncomfortable amount (like at parties; events always seem to revolve around TONS of Good Food). She had even done it a couple months prior to our talk that night.

She kind of treated it like it was some guilty secret that people just didn't talk about but wasn't entirely uncommon. Like doing anal. Or kissing a girl.

Of course she was concerned but in uncharted territories.

She suspected back before I had done it but not while I was actually going through it. She thought I was just a Health Nut (which, in retrospect turned into mild Anorexia then Bulimia). I assured her I was healthy and "in control" and she bought it, thinking that it was just a phase I went through and that I'm too strong and intelligent to let something like that get the best of me.


I actually did do pretty well for months after that. With Ipecac (I know, I know....) no longer accessible to me purging was just not so tempting. My fingers were too uncomfortable, took too long, weren't a sure shot and wasn't as "thorough". I was hooked on the stuff.

My mom was also pretty helpful too. When she'd see me linger around the food or shoveling copious amounts of food into my mouth she would ask me if I was okay which would snap me out of The Haze. I knew I was being watched and would be noticed if I disappeared. But now even that's in the past.

I blame her.

I should know better than to place blame on somebody else for my own actions but I do. I never knew she did it but the ground work was there-the diets, the bingeing, weight always being mentioned, letting "feeling fat" dictate her mood, everything revolving around food...the list goes on.

I can't help but blame her.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Square 1.

9 day streak OVA. Tomorrow I'm back at one.

Oddly, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.

  • Still didn't go over 1200 calories (nothing subtracted from purge).
  • Healthy foods.
  • I managed 9 days. (I persevered a few times.)
  • The binge and purge actually felt...well, like just what I needed. (Disordered, I know.)

I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. Like I was in limbo for a couple of days on the edge of failure. Is it just me or is the edge sometimes worse? It's like: ALL RIGHT ALREADY! JUST CAVE AND GET ON WITH IT!! So now I feel like I got it out of my system, an eery calm has set in.

I do feel pretty hypocritical, commenting all, "I'm doing great!" and "being healthy" but at the time that I was commenting I truly was feeling the way I said. These past 9 days were not easy but for those 9 days, I was strong and it felt good knowing that I was winning the battle. A couple hours of weakness may have set me back to 1 on my streak but it did not completely obliterate the strength that I grew.

Once I was empty and calm, I was back on the wagon I had just jumped off of. So here I go again, taking it one day at a time...


I'm frustrated. Yesterday, I thought I was so proud that I stopped my binge. But I ended up eating 1200 cals (for the day) anyway. I've only gone over 1200 (to 1300) one day in the past week and a half. I really want to walk. Last week the backs of my feet were all blistered up which I ignored and walked anyway albeit not as long and quickly as I'd wanted. This week my body hurts and I've only done 2 small 20 minute walks. Despite reaching 1200 calories yesterday, anxious as all hell when my mom came home with fresh baked french bread and wanting to throw a tantrum of frustration a 4 year old would be proud of. I went for a quick errand, trying to calm myself a bit and tried to distract myself.

I thought I was in the French Bread clear when they weren't eating and it was already 8:30 but No. They cut up the bread and brought it out with a pad of butter. I didn't touch it. That's right. I went to bed proud that I exercised self control. Knowing the bread and I would be all alone today I decided to let it pass. The past is over, the future has yet to come-right here and now is all that I can control.

But then I got on the scale this morning and I've been gaining weight. I just don't understand it. I haven't b/p'ed. I've been exercising a bit (which is a whole bunch more than before). No junk, it's all been healthy food. The only thing I can think of is my constipation but 5+ pounds of shit?

I don't think so.

I'm trying to resist purging. I'm trying to tell myself that if I continue to do what I'm doing the scale will reflect that in due time. But I don't know. It feels like just the opposite. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I want to be thin!

I want to cry.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Trigger Me Timbers

I mess around with photoshop a lot (A LOT) so whenever anybody in the fam bam needs an invitation or anything of the graphic nature I am their go-to graphic designer.

I am supposed to have something to show my cousin tonight for her mom's party. I designed something a few months back that everybody seems to "love". It's printed out on a 4x6 picture and my mom has held it captive in her purse for show and tell. Strangers have seen this design.

Oh mother.
Le sigh.

Her boyfriends daughter happens to be a big shot in fashion. Like people wear stuff that she approves for the brand that she works for. She also liked the design but had some make it more summery, since the party is in the summer. Ummm... I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL WOMAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!! Okay, not really but kinda. I'm just sensitive because I'm insecure and this is my much love little hobby and I so desperately want to be good at it so I'm just sensitive.

I'm constantly wonder if people say nice things to be nice, y'know? Like "you're pretty"-I just feel like it's something you say. Like oh your baby is so cute. A social nicety. So I don't really know what is real, do I live in a world of people who just want to be nice to me? Or is there actually some honesty thrown in the mix?

SO. I did what I could to try and summerfy that shiz and I sent it to my mom to judge. My mom is like THE WORST at niceties. She's genuinely a nice person but she's like allergic (or something) to lying. (Which probably has a lot to do with my lack of confidence.) BUT at the same time she's Mom so at least it's Rosy colored honesty (I see right through the roses which softens the blow) thus landing her the spot of my "second set of eyes" when I gotta show a third party my latest creation.

Waiting for the verdict (received during the writing of the post: "it looks great!") but it's still kind of frustrating because it's through e-mail. But she's not gonna get home in time to show and treak....I'm so, so SO anxious right now (okay, the coffee doesn't help but I'm addicted!). I can't SEE her reaction.

I called her E-meediately after I sent it like "Checkyoure-mail. Whereyouat? (lunch) Okay,Ineedyoutocheckyoure-mailandgetbacktomewhenyougetbacktotheoffice!" I'm not being dramatic and this is while I'm making a pot of coffee, grabbing a few almonds and putting a piece of bread in the toaster and turning the kettle on (to make oatmeal)-simultaneously. (Okay, maybe that's a tad dramatic. I'm not an octopus.) And then I was like whoa-whoa-whoa there...breathe.

AND THEN! I took the bread out of the toaster and put it back in the bag and turned the kettle off. And I made a salad (Typ. salad is just iceberg lettuce pk & salsa. I'm lazy.) and tried to calm down.

And now I'm gonna send it to my cousin. And I'm a mile a millisecond all over again! ARGH!! I'm so nervous and anxious and !!!!

And sorry if this post makes no sense but I can't read. Stillness is not an option right now.

I'm a jitterbug.

Monday, July 27, 2009


Look who's 7.5 days [and counting] of No bingeing. (Me.)
Look who's 7.5 day [and counting] of No purgeing. (It's Me.)
Look who's 7.5 days [and counting] of following rules.
(Whatever-just BARELY that one day!) (Stop judging me! I'M NOT PERFECT!!) (yet.)

Anywho, I'm feeling good about how things are going. AND (Oh yes, yes there is an "AND") (Take note it's in capitals too. Not those measly little ones. The big guy letters.)

Guess who decided they are going back to school. (Yeah. You guessed it: ME!)

(Boy, you're getting really good at this game!)

And knows what for! (Sociology)
And knows where to. (Comm College--what? it's a start.)
And already signed up. (student ID number and all)
And--actually that last one was actually the last one. There's no more "And"'s, I get carried away sometimes. Sue Me.

Actually don't. I can't afford it. I gotta pay for school. And possibly a stupid ticket. Because some StupidHead NutJob(!) was too damn slow for me to get out of the stupid intersection and the stupid camera that the stupid city put up at that particularly stupid intersection took a stupid picture of me and now I have a stupid ticket to look forward to in the stupid mail. Those STUPIDS! Argh!
And while we're on a "stupid" note, my stupid [fat] body still hurts. Hopefully, it'll get over itself already and not hurt tomorrow.
*fingers crossed*

If you'll remember in this post I got cut-off from my unemployment thus dropping my income down to a big fat (and stupid) ZERO. And in this post I worked for my Mom told her about said $ situation. Well, Mom helped. By cutting me a paycheck (for working, obvey) instead of paying me "under the table" with the grand master plan of re-filing for Unemployment.

It worked! Got the ball rollin', rollin'! (remember that Limp Bizkit & Korn song? Jeez that was a long time ago! They were way popular and now everybody hates them! Hollywood is so fickle.) (I digress.)

Guess who got a CHECK! CHECK, as in $Money$! Mula! Dinero! (ME!) (ME-ME-ME!!)

CashFlow Baby!
Money in the Bank! (SwizzBeatz, holla!)

I think I still have to file an appeal? I dunno, this stuff is way confusing. But point being, I got some money and there's hope for more. And it's looking good.

P.S. Thank you Law of Attraction/the Universe, let's just forget about that last post, yes? Yes. Kiss-kiss!

P.S.S. Because, clearly The Universe reads my Blog.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Houston, We May Have a Problem

Or I just may be a hypochondriac.
(I'm hoping for the latter. *fingers crossed*)

I have a pain. (See Right.)

I'm hoping it's not the same kind of pain I've had in the past. Blood clottage pain. I had a "bad" one in 2006 in precisely this spot (and a smaller one somewhere behind my knee and allegedly one in my lung). Along with getting diagnosed with Lupus (probably the straw that broke the camels back caused the traffic jam?) (whatever, just go with it).

(It was fun year.)

I'm blaming law of attraction/the universe for this hypochondriatic* (*SHUT UP SpellCheck, it's a word TO ME!) response because:

A.) Another blogger is having some health issues and I can totally relate to her frustrations since it took them 3 weeks of tests of NOT FINDING the problem meanwhile my right leg looking all Elephantitis (For serious, it was like LeftLeg: Pencil, RightLeg: Hi-Liter)

(P.S. xThinForever send Mona to Southern Cali. kthanx.)

B.) During our walk the other day Assured was asking me about that year and I was telling her of all the things that were going on at the time. (Like jobs, boyfriend, school--busybusy [stressed out and frustrated] girl at the time).

(Assured and I weren't talking at the time-I was a Grade A 18 yr. old Bratty Asshole to her ruining our otherwise pretty close relationship. Happy to say were building it up again.)

But now I have this pain in my leg. Rehashing old memories, I thought the past would stay there. I thought I recognized the "triggers" and could more or less control it. I didn't think it could come back. I know that Lupus is a "chronic" disease (meaning it's lifelong w/no cure).

I guess it's just my naivity to think that it would leave me alone and that not even an inkling of it would materialize EVER again. Nothing that can't be forgotten after a couple (or a handful-but whose counting?) of Motrin. I sometimes even thought that I didn't really have it and that it was basically a lot of things hitting me all at once that made it look like it, a victim of circumstance.

Or maybe that's just what I'd like to believe. It's where my mind takes me because it's easier to think that it's not real and that I am in control. And that's exactly the place where my mind will return once I no longer feel this leg pain that's likely all in my head.

Except I also took a blood thinner for good measure.

P.S. Eff You Law of Attraction/Universe! Get the hell out!
(I'm mature. What?)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Stangest Feeling

I feel weak, like I'm floating. I barely feel my body even when I concentrate.

They're there...fingers...toes....but they don't feel real, like I'm a stranger in my own body.

Today was Not Good. But it could have been worse. My little cousins 10th birthday was today and we all went over to my aunts for a brunch buffet.

  • Eggs
  • Biscuits
  • Gravy w/sausage
  • Carnita tacos
  • Fruit (cantalope & grapes)
  • Coffee
  • Mimosas
  • Blueberry Muffins (in lieu of cupcakes for dessert)
Off the bat 2 items crossed out since I'm a vegetarian. I don't really eat eggs unless it's just the eggwhites (I'm weird about dairy food). Temptations. Safe.

I distanced myself from the biscuits; and the Muffins were, "meh" *shrug*. I got to admit I almost caved when I was offered a Mimosa. Okay, I said yes! (LOVE-LOVE-LOVE Champagne!!!) But then I freaked about calories and changed my mind before anything was poured.

Le sigh.

I had grabbed an apple and a grapefruit before I left (I never trust my aunts cooking, even when she goes for healthy. She doesn't think about olive oil, butter, dressings, fruit juices...) and I stuck to my safe foods. (Come to think of it she cooked the eggs in the same pan as she did the sausage. Saugage grease! NASSSTY!)

I walked out a Champ!
(Who the Champ?)
(Me the CHAMP!)

Pop open some Bubbley!!

-Oh wait. :-\
Scratch that...

And then I got home. I broke 2 rules. I ate after 6pm and I ate more than 1200 calories. Sad Face. I almost binged. I almost purged. Instead I decided to just let it go. It was too much but it was still less than 1300 and nothing unhealthy and the thought of tomorrow being DaySeven as oppose to SquareOne...

Have I told you lately that I'm fat? (I am.)

And that I'm determined to not be? (I'm trying.)

And I'm trying to NOT be bulimic? (It's hard.)

And babbling in blog helps? (It does.)

Friday, July 24, 2009


Last night on my walk with my cousin, Assured, we were talking about judging.

My family is very judgey. My immediate family is small but close. My mom and my Nina (she's my aunt but also my godmother, called "Nina" in espanol) (no I don't know espanol-well, only the Important Things. Example: getting drunk.) are very close. They are more like minded in that they've always aspired to live a better life (they grew up poor, like milk cows before going to school poor). Both driven to succeed.

My Nina had a long term boyfriend (20+ years-which seems to be a trend in our family) never had kids, making career her top priority. My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby and also guardianship of my cousin (10 yrs older, my "Sis").

These women were my Role Models growing up, I learned the ropes early helping my mom at the office (b/c she had to work late and didn't have anybody to watch me) and even at home (Mother/Daughter time-you're jealous right?).

So I did everything right. I went to vocational school (ITT Tech) full-time and also working at an office full-time, I did well at work ($) and graduated school. I drive a nice car, had a good job with bennies and all that.

A typical question when the Fam Bam gets together is how is work. Normal. Except now, now that I've been unemployed and DOING NOTHING for MONTHS now, there is judgement in their eyes. I'm "loserish" now. My cousins have felt this way-saying how our family is materialistic and how they are uncomfortable going over sometimes.

I never saw it.

How could I when, it was so normal. I was accepted. I was doing what was the "right" thing to do; what they would've done.

And now, I see what it's liked to feel judged by my own family. I know they still love me but now there's a flicker of disapproval in their eyes. Even my mom. She loves me. She knows that I just don't know what I want to do. She knows that I have savings to support myself. She knows that I'm "smart" and "marketable". She knows I want to be Sure when I take my next step, that I was unhappy. But still, deep down she's anxious for me to make a move, to do something already. She wants to push me so bad but knows I am stubborn and she remember aforementioned things. That'll I'll be okay.

No job, no school. = Loser.

I don't even think it really has anything to do with me and her. I think it's more what other people think and/or say and it makes her uncomfortable when people ask her about me. She can no longer boast about my good job or anything like that.

No job, no school. = Loser.

Not helping the "depression" situation, y'know? It's hard for me to "listen to my heart" of what is truly gonna make me "happy" and take a step towards doing something that is "fulfilling" when in the back of my mind there is a voice telling me to go the safe route and do what I know-what everybody else wants me to do. But I don't want to be miserable 40 hours a week again, I may as well go the suicide route cuz I'm as good as dead if I go back to doing what I was doing.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Am I Skinny Yet?

Does it get any easier?
I'm thinking no.

I really, really, reallyreallyreally wanna binge.
Puking is a given, it goes hand in hand with the binge because ain't no way I'm gonna consume so many calories without a fight! That's like surrendering to the Fat Gods on bloated belly screaming, "TAKE ME NOW!". But no siree bob, not I. If those were my only options it'd be Disordered City for moi. But there is another other option: "healthy".

It's between 1:30-4:30 that I'm at my peak for this disordered wanting. Clearly, I'm missing something in my diet and with the onslaught of nut overload as of late it's most certainly not fat. Protein, I think I need protein. I will go and get Egg Whites and fix this problem. I just need to make it to the end of the day without bingeing/purging.

Which is hard.
Which is why I'm blogging right now.

Because if my fingers weren't roaming this keyboard they'd be shoveling food into my face and then they'd be down my throat. And then, well, then I'd be back at Square One instead of Square Four which we all know would be Bad News Bears. So frustrated right now with my mind, specifically the EatingDemon voice that's in there trying it's damndest to get me back to that first square and keep me prisoner there. But I will not surrender!! I don't think...

I'm trying to be strong and focus on my goal (lose weight). I'm stronger than ED, right? I'm not sure.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be in control of me.
I want to be "healthy".
Because when your mind, body and soul are "healthy"
Then the skies the limit, right?

The way I see it is conquering the mind and body goes hand in hand. Conquering my mind (ED) will translate on my body and once those two NutJobs can get along my soul will soon follow...I'm babbling, aren't I? I don't know what the hell I'm saying, I just know this Shit Is Hard and I'm frustrated.

And I really wish I had a Fairy Godmother.
Or some Ruby Red Slippers...minus the socks. Seriously Dorothy you stylist is so fired.

I'm a Bookworm

Thank you for book recommendations!

I requested:
  • Skinny Bitch
  • Life Without ED
  • Marie Antoinette
from the library. My cousin is going to let me borrow her Harry Potter books. And when I went to the library today I picked up some books from authors that seem to never disappoint:

And then some random one that caught my eye called, The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman.

Wasted and Wintergirls I've read (and liked) along with other ED books: Stick Figure, Insatiable and The Best Little Girl in the World.

I like girly "Chick Lit" books too like stuff written by Sophie Kinsella and the like (Can You Keep a Secret? was my fave of hers).

(I read the Twilight Series too which I loved!)

Anyhoodle, I'm always up for more recommendations ANYTIME!
You can leave a comment or e-mail me at FlushedAgain(at)!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Tic-Tac-Toe 3 in a Row!

That's right folks Day 3!
No binge.
No Purge.

Not that I didn't think about it but my brain kinda feels all undisordered-like when I think of puking. Like food (and potential fat) is not worth swallowing my fingers. Weird. This may or may not have something to do with my failed purge on Sunday but either way, I'm glad. And it may or may not having something to do with my mom making a comment that I'm "melting away" which means "PROGRESS"!

But despite what that blasted scale reads and having more nuts than I'd planned (seriously, they're like Mother Natures version of Lay's "betcha can't have just one"). I didn't go nuts, I didn't puke and I can see that my body is less fat (less being the operative word here; a Fatso still stares back as me with disgust when I look in the mirror) thus telling me I must be doing something right. And that something is so very uplifting and motivating.

I'M A NEW WOMAN!Okay, maybe that's pushing it a little...(or A LOT) but these past couple of days were not easy, I felt on the brink of losing
control more than I'd like to admit (like for instance an hour ago...).

I was at my Sis's all day yesterday which I thought was gonna be a Good Thing. But when it was 12:30 and I ate ALL my "snacks" and then some I started second guessing A Successful Day 2. But I convinced myself that all was not lost (or maybe it was more like "don't make it worse").

For dinner we met my mom at Island's for dinner. I planned on having coffee MAX (if that) because "I'm a broke ass" which is what I told my mom and Sis from the get-go and then my mom was all "I'm buying, so you can eat!". Crap. At first I thought of sticking to just coffee but decided against it because I didn't want to be tempted with the food that could potentially be floating (taunting) around the table. I ordered a side garden salad (no croutons, no cheese, salsa for dressing) and plain steamed veggies (which was broccoli and carrots). It was perfectly satisfying and delish-US! (I heart veggies)

Flushed-2, ED-0.

Today was harder. I was at home and bored as hell. The scale read: "Discouraging" this morning and my belly screamed "comfort food"-No, actually that was ED (the sonuvabitch!).

Too hot for a walk. No book to read (good books are great distractions for me). No laptop. Just Me and kitchen full of healthy food. I fought with myself all day long, willing myself NOT to binge. Not to purge. Tried to distract myself. I wrote for a bit. Doodled (haha~yeah, I'm way short on "drawing skills" but I figured I'd share for fun :). Slowly but surely got myself public presentable and willed myself out the door.

Now I got books.
Now I got my laptop.
Now I'm equipped with distractions.

Flushed-3, ED-0

Monday, July 20, 2009


He-ey! I'm feeling good about today!

Granted, it's only 5 o'clock but once my mom gets home it's pretty much down hill from there cuz I'm a little more conscious of how many laps I do from [insert room in house here] to the kitchen. I'm hoping to persuade her (seriously, it's like pulling teeth) to take a walk with me (it would walk #2 for today!).

I also took a trip to the market today and stocked up on the yummies. Salad pack, salsa (my salad dressing), Almonds, Pistachios (I needs a little protein and fat, otherwise is Binge City and nobody wants that!) and fruit(!): Cantaloupe, HoneyDew, BlueBerries and I have a GrapeFruit tree in my backyard so I'm floating in fruit heaven, right now!

(No really, I'm salivating.)

(But in control~and I like-it!)

Tomorrow should be a pretty good day also. I'll be hanging with my Sis, new lil niece and lil cousins most of the day since I'm getting kicked out at 8am so the housekeeper can get down to biz-naz. Which reminds me I gotta straighten out my room (*grumble-grumble*) and plan out my food for the day. AND I gotta-gotta go to the library ($1.50 late fee is too much for this broke bookwarm) and pick out some new reads. Love, love, love reading! (NerdGirl 5000! haha) (don't judge.) =)

BTW, I'm always open to suggestions on good books to read too if anybody has any recommendations... I'll read anything, nothings is too "corny" or "serious" for me.

Rollercoastering: It's exhausting.

My first step of the day starts naked & vulnerable in my bathroom awaiting judgement in the form of numbers on a scale. Which will determine my fate for the day based on yesterdays plate (and Bad Decisions).

That being said, I need to make some ground rules for myself. Cuz the whole "fly by the seat of your pants" just isn't going my way.

  • No eating after 6pm.
  • Healthy foods only: Veggies, Fruits, whole grains and oats. (No junk food!) (I'm looking at you Doritos; you're dead to me.)
  • Drink 8+ glasses of water. (I've been slacking)
  • No more than a day without exercise. (But try for at least 30 mins/day)
  • No more than 1,200 cals. Just don't.
  • Record EV-ER-Y calorie that crosses my lips regardless of whether it is purged. (But I'm really gonna try to not do it at all...)
I'm printing this.

I need to start thinking like a Skinny Person.
(Fake it until I make it! No more of this unbearable FatGirl nonesense.)

I'm looking for 124. For now.

It's like the Scale is some BadAss Bully beating me up, taking my lunch money and giving me wedgies and these Rules set in blog (it's the modern day stone...sorta) (okay, sorta not. Just go with it.) is some Hardcore Kung Fu Mastah! I'm about kicks some arse Kill Bill style, bustin out the Samarai Sword (or a light saber, I really shouldn't be trusted with sharp objects) (well, the light saber APP on my iPhone...WHATEVER! I'M FIERCE!) And then everybody will be Kung Fu Fighting, cutting weight fast as lightning! (That's right, I'm looking at you Scale. Be afraid. Be very afraid.) Jeans, prepare to be buttoned with ease and grace.

Day One.

• - • - • - • - • • - • - • - • - • - • • - • - • - • - •

I'm sorry but I need to do this. If I feel fat it's so hard to will myself to even leave my house. I'm so uncomfortable and ashamed of my gluttony I've ignored texts and e-mails and invites from everybody and something needs to be done about it (lose weight). Since Lipo, gastric bypass surgery or a Victoria Secrets Body Transplant are clearly not options this is my solution. I realize I'm merely shooting to fix a symptom and not the underlying problem. But I feel it is a step in the right direction: Feel better about myself and get out of the house (they go hand in hand). At 124, my clothes will at least fit thus, I will be able to at least fake confidence and strut on out into the world.

Until then Nothing Even Matters.

SideNote: Good lord with my Sad Pants posts lately! It's yucko. I know this. I'm sure once my weight isn't high as a kite and my mind climbs out of the gutter it'll be all Sunshine, Unicorns and SkinnyJeans!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I quit.

Right now I can't do it "healthy", I freak because I'm fat. Once I drop 10 pounds my mind will be more stable.

In other words, once I am able to fit in my clothes and look in the mirror without cringing and see the number on the scale without wanting to burst into tears THEN perhaps attempts at "healthy" will be possible.
But right now: no. I'm sorry, just No.

My attempts at "healthy" lead to the above which is misery and it's just not gonna happen. So fukit I'ma do what I want to do and right now I just want to focus on dropping 10 el bees. I hate this weight. It's unbearable.

Saturday, July 18, 2009


And then I b/p'd. I got to feeling all bad about the last post
sounding like I was all "I'm so fab and super intelligent" but at the
same time all "whoa is me". Which is not how I mean to be, please
understand that this blog is more like an online diary, very candid.
It's the toilet of truth as I see it right here and now. I'm prone to
writing (typing) it out when I get all super emotional and I don't
always know what's going to come out.

Poor Little Rich Girl (kinda)

Disclaimer: I'm trying to be honest with myself and look at myself in
a more objective positive light.

I've had some insightful conversations with my cousins this week. (Who
I will refer to as "Sis" and "Assured". I get all confused only using
first initials plus these kind of give you a feel of how I see them.)

My Sis opened my eyes to me putting my mom on a pedestal and letting
her words have far too much weight on me. She also says (she's very
positive/optimistic person) that she finds the best way to move past
the bad memories is to create new (happy) ones.

Today my cousin, Assured, had a gut-spill (spillage of the guts by
yours truly) and I found myself saying that I know my mom loves me but
at the same time she doesn't really feel the need to put the extra
effort into me because I'm here; I'm a sure shot (think unconditional

When I was telling her how I feel like all of my decisions revolve
around my mom (even if just to spite her) and I just keep doing what
my mom thinks was right. I loved hearing her boast about me, how I was
working full-time while I was going to school (ITT Tech) at the same
time. How I learn so quickly, am a great at problem solving and how I
already make more money than some people she works with who have
families to support. Meanwhile, this got old and I got increasingly

True: I was good at my job (potentially a career) and was making good
money for my age but I wasn't getting anything from my job. Assured
pointed out that in a sense (a big sense) my mom was living
vicariously through me. My mom wanted what I had (prior to
unemployment), my mom worked her ass off and up the ranks to be where
she's at career-wise and for me it just comes naturally but there is
no passion. I want to be doing something that I am passionate about as
opposed to what I just happened to be good at.

Now I'm at a point where I have the opportunity to make my own
decisions and repave my path, if you will, but I'm spiritually lost. I
don't know what makes me happy. I don't know which decision is the
"right decision". I just know that I can't go back to the path that I
was on. I have a great opportunity at this juncture in my life, I can
do anything. The difficult part is me; figuring out what I want and
taking risks (calculated risk, I'm not a Crazy Person) and
experimenting to find out what works for me.

My "life" is not difficult, I am.

I can get and hold jobs, manage money. I have skills, smarts and "a
good head on my shoulders". I have plenty $ in savings, good credit
and a mother to catch me should I fall (which I won't but still). I've
got the mechanics down pretty well. It's a matter of finding what
makes me happy and for some reason this is the part I struggle with!
People (people I've worked with, went to school with, people my
family members know...random strangers that I somehow ended up talking
to at the library-no really.) tell me how I have "soooo much
potential" and am "intelligent" and they can't wait to see what I will
do in the future... Weird, right? I dunno, I hear these things and I'm
like they (the "horses mouth") are just trying to flatter you (the
person that's telling me) by complimenting me (daughter/niece/friend/
cousin...whatevs). Does that make sense? Regardless though, these
things stress me out, like I have these mysterious expectations
weighing on my shoulders which is stupid because it's ME putting all
this pressure on MYSELF!! I need this pounded into my subconscious!!

Seriously, my life should be a cake walk!

I sound like a spoiled rich girl. :\
For the record I'm not "rich" just financially stable with a fun extra
here and there but I got this way from a mom that works her ass off
and instilled all kinds of Responsible Stuff Skills in me. (I was in
charge of paying our bills and keeping the check book balanced when I
was like 12 years, yeah) ... and I still live at home. But
who can blame me it's just me and her and she's gone a lot, I can do
as I please. And I like my home ;)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Mommy Issues

I don't know how I feel about my mom. I love her so much I hate her?
Possibly. I want her to love me so desperately but at the same time I
want to hurt her emotionally as much as she has me. But then it upsets
me and hurts me to see my mother hurt. I've tried to put on a happy
face but there's a better chance of it getting ignored than not with a
dismissive "I'm tired". And it hurts to get rejected by your mom.

I Wonder sometimes if she even truly loves me. Or if she just has to
love me out of moral obligation because only bad people don't love
their kids.

The worst part is I'm like her in all the ways that I hate about
myself. Insecure for one. She's been on yo-yo diets my entire life.
She even blames me that her tummy will never be tight no matter the
work she puts into it (I'm an only child).

Moody. People have a harder time believing that my mom is very moody
(the adjective is used mainly to describe me in our family) because my
mom puts on a 'everythings great/i'm happy and Ina good mood' face for
everyone else. But I'm the one who she comes home to everyday and I
never know what I'm gonna get. It's typically 'i'm tired [lazy]". She
never wanted/wants to do anything when she gets home from work unless
it's planned with other people THEN she'll muster up the energy and
bright eyes.

Somewhere along the lines (probably back when my age was a single
digit) I got tired of getting denied. Why ask when you already knew
the answer?

My mom is not some homely obese lady. She's always dressed w/make up
and smiley and energetic [for other people]. People always compliment
my mom that's she's pretty. She is overweight but is one of those that
just carries it well and dresses right for it.

She says that I didn't invite her to tonights game that she would have
totally gone. She says that I was quiet when she got home (I was
reading) and I just got ready and didn't say anything (she's paying
bills in the kitchen, I got get ready in my room). I guess we're both
just victims of circumstances. Because SHE seemed quiet to me and the
first thing she said when she got home was that she was tired and just
wanted to sleep.

I guess it was my fault for not inviting her to my game but Ive
invited her other times; first thing she asks is if Her friend will be
there (I wasn't sure today) and if she already knows her friend won't
be she'll answer me no and there were times when she just didn't feel
like going.

I guess it was my fault and I shouldn't have my feelings hurt today, I
should be use to this by now.

I guess I just want a mom that WANTS to be there. Even if she's the
only person in the bleachers, be there to watch your daughter play
whether she's good or bad. I understand that when she's gone or has
plans to hang out with somebody.

After the game her friend asked where my mom was and saying out loud
that she was at home and would be all night was like finding a bruise
I didn't know I had and coming home to her watching TV, talking to my
Sis and drink in her hand (actually, the drink is usual, everynight)
was salt in an open wound.

Sent from my iPhone.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


My cousin and her friends want me to come out for the weekend. Or even more tonight! (3 hour drive) They say they'll pay for gas, I don't need any money while I'm there since we'd be going floating on the lake. I made up a lame excuse that I'm playing in a softball tourney and it's the play-offs which is actually next weekend. The only reason I can't go is utter fattness. I just can't go out and put my fun face on when I feel like a whale. It's just not happening.

In other news. No purge today. No binge (625 cals total). And right now I'm about to go on a walk with my mom. AND I got on the scale first thing this morning (10am is still morning for us unemployed folk) and it said 134. 10 lbs lighter and my clothes will won't be busting at the seams. 120 el bees and they'll fit right. Goal, goal weight though would be 110. 110 would be a dream. Totally attainable dream though just gotta stick to my guns and stay in control.

Walkey time.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Truth Hurts

[freewritten & sent from my phone]

I thought I was doing good.
I thought I wasn't SO bad.

I thought wrong.

I couldn't sleep last night. Finally at 5am I ate some cherries and a
peach. I slept. 10:30 I woke up and ate, it started just fine but my
appetite was insatiable. I kept eating. By noon I was at 1,000 calories.

Fuck it.

I purged. I thought i was gonna snap out of it and start over in the
middle of the day. Again; i thought wrong. I binged again and purged

Start over. I grabbed my book went outside to read and layout by the
pool. Shortly after I came inside to use the restroom and got a head
to toe view of my bikini clad body then I went to my room to compare.

MY mirrors been lying to me. I freaked out. I can't remember the last
time I really looked at myself in my moms room. Obvy when I was 15-20
pounds thinner because I freaked. The. Fuck. Out.

I had to know the number. The mirrors, even clothes were deceiving me
but the scale, the scale is reality.

One hundred and thirty nine pounds.

I've become a beast. I'm huge. And what's worse is that I haven't
worked out like truly put in the work for over a year. Well over.

Over (well over) a year ago 130 scared me off the scale because I
could not bare to see that number. That very large number. And now...

I use to be obsessive. Consumed by numbers. I counted every calorie
that passed my lips. I exercised 5 days a week. I stepped on the scale
every. Single. Morning. And recorded my weight.

One slice of forbidden pizza and I stuck my fingers down my throat for
the first time. My life changed.

The binging got worse [enter junk food] because 'I could purge it' I
naively thought. But you don't get everything up, sometimes your body
even denies you completely. And the thing with junk food is it only
makes you want more and more. I stopped counting calories. The days I
wouldn't binge because I thought I knew. The days that I did binge was
because how do you keep track of calories flushed? I stopped
exercising because puking drains you of energy and the junk food does

Healthy food just didn't cut it anymore, I had the taste of processed,
fatty junk on my tongue.

One day the scale would be bareable and the next it would be at the
roof. I kept telling myself that it would go down because I would be
good but I just kept finding (okay, MAKING) more opportunities to
binge. Pretty soon the numbers weren't bouncing back and I was waist
deep and sinking into this endless bulimic cycle.

3 years of darkness.
3 years of 1 step forward 2 steps back.
24 years old in 2 months.
139 pounds.

These haunting numbers and only 1 is within my power to change. My
body is a machine; it's a numbers game.

Calories in. Calories out.

Back to book keeping.
Back to rules.
Back to reality.

The vacation is over, that number must change.

Sent from my iPhone.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Why hello there Endophins, it's been awhile...

Okay, I did go for a couple of walks with my mom Monday and Tuesday last week but today I went by myself. Woke up early go dressed, got distracted/at breakfast, drank coffee and skidaddled.

About under 55 minutes of walking 1.5 miles which is kind of a slower pace but the point is I did it.

Also, I did not puke yesterday. But I did have a snack of [raw] zucchini with parmesan cheese and went round two on the salad w/cheese&avocado. What the hell was with me and cheese and avocado? Odd. I'm disappointed in the cheez/avo (oh yeah AND the 2nd bowl of oatmeal was unnecessary) but overall at least I did not binge and the portions were no outrageous. I usually put 100 cals of rolled oats, 3-4 oz. of cheese? (Argh! That's BAD.)

I stopped at Subway for my Sis and got nothing for myself. I brought a grapefruit with me to her house just in case but did not eat it. I was emotional. I thought about bingeing or at least eating chips or something bad but decided against (choice!) (shoutout to Zena :->).

(I'm proud of myself can you tell?) (Don't answer that.)

Unfortunately, all that NON-bingeing that I did caused an outpour of emotions and feeling stuff. And I ended up talking about all kinds of things. Tears were shed by me. I find it quite curious how I think things but saying them aloud I couldn't spit it out sans crying. But overall I did feel better and felt it actually was a really good talk with my sister. I felt like we both talked and we both listened and took in all that the other was saying. We are from opposite ends of the spectrum (I'm a quiet thinker and she's a liver w/a smile) so I think it really opens/expands our minds when hearing the others perspective.

Does anybody else find that exercising (taking a walk in my case) really fuels the mind with healthier thoughts? Clearer thinking? Creativity even?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

It's not too late

So I started the day off bad. More than bad, frankly but not horrendous I had:
  • nectarine
  • oatmeal w/blueberries (twice-boo!) 
    • (rolled oats, Splenda, blended fresh blueberries-I don't do the packetty ones)
  • salad w/avocado & cheese, salsa dressing 
    • (I usually just have plain salad iceberg, carrots, cabbage with salsa on top)

It's 8:37 in the aye em. [sad face]

Separately it would have been okay (<-- term used loosely) but this early in the morning(?!) good grief (Charlie Brown styley). 

Oddly though I still feel in control (mostly) just y'know Bad Decisions. 
My body was missing something which I know causes an insatiable appetite (enter: the binge). I've lacked protein, calcium (cheese) and healthy fats (avocado). And I've been having some serious Alligator lips lately which dry skin is typically from the lack of fat consumed (sadly there is no lack of it in my body. grrr). 

(Fun Fact: You know you lack calcium when you don't have that little white half moon thingy at the base of your nail beds.)

Anyhoodle, I'm not giving in to the whole unflattering b/p act today (not today: baby steps) I just need to be better and more conscious of what I consume for the rest of it. I have a softball game at two and then I'm going to visit my lil niece and Sis after. I'm hoping it's not sweltering hell heat degrees out like it was 2 weeks ago when I was melting(!) on the field. Hydratin' is gotta be the name of the game t'day!

I'm hopeful that today will be good. My body is armed with fruits, veggies, healthy fats, oats, calcium & a smidgen of protein which I think (*fingers crossed*) will keep me stable and keep crazy cravings at bay. Before the game maybe grapefruit and plain salad w/salsa (seriously --> salsa = best. dressing. evER!)

And probably copious amounts of coffee (w/Splenda only)
Jitter-Jitterbug: GO!

Going back to my old fruits and veggies habits which works best for me because if I eat too much it's THAT bad y'know?  Volumetrics or something? And hello they're delish. (And too much is not as much as when I go for the junk--or bread. Bread, toasty bread espesh, is my Achilles Heel.) 
The only downside is it's notsocheap but I'm over it. I'm so miserably fat that it's worth it losing weight will be worth it espesh if it boost morale and gets me out of this killmenow state that I'm in. 

Oh yeah and sitting & breathe w/jeans buttoned simultaneously(!): PRICELESS. 

(comfortably is bonus points)

(baby steps.)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Simultaneously Up & Down

The leftover situation:
     There weren't many leftover (HALLELUJAH!) my family is getting increasingly better at leaving all the leftovers at my house since they know they just go to waste (one way or another....). My mom is always on a diet or wanting to start one (my. entire. life.) but lately she's been doing pretty good and staying on the wagon. She cut slices of choclatey chocolate cake which she would try really hard not to eat. So why keep it you ask? I asked the same thing holding over the trash can and asking my sister if she wanted it, if not I can it. So she took it.

The next day I ate a whole lot of the fruit that was left over and grilled veggies (okay, so I ate all of it but it was fruits and veggies! Love, love, love. And they are healthy...) I was determined not to puke and when the chips started edging it's way into my mind I poured them into the trash can along with a few other binge inducing and calorie laden items.

It felt so good to throw them out. I felt so strong and in control. A feeling that hasn't been with me for quite some time now.

Tuesday I did okay too. But yesterday I purged. I just ate too much, too early and freaked then flushed. But today is a new day! And I'm determined not to binge, not to break. I want to feel the strength and control of Monday.

Also Monday and Tuesday my mom and I went for a walk. I like going with her because we keep each other at a good pace. It felt good. I used to go on walks at the very least 3 times a week and would even go by myself. And now...notsomuch but I really want to make a change. I can see it already in the mirror. While still overweight, I can see the subtle smoothing of the lumps and enlargements that have happened in recent (unemployed) months.

Almost all of my family is out in Laughlin right now for the family get-together we have every year. I opted out of going despite my mom making any and every effort to do otherwise. Including getting me a room. I just couldn't say yes. The anxiety of the week leading to...I would not want to eat (bikini) which would make me want to eat and eating would have me "freaking and flushing". 

My sister and my new niece will be in town though. And my friends invited me to hang out and watch the UFC fight on Saturday. I know that I should reach out to them and hang out but I freak out about being fat. I just can't be comfortable knowing how enormous I am. If I'm not comfortable I'm not confident and if I'm not confident I'm no fun. What a conundrum!

I don't have many friends and I have no close friends. It sounds bizarre but I don't really know how to make friends. I'm always afraid that people aren't going to like me or think I'm not interesting and boring or something. I'm also embarrassed by just that. I don't have any friends like a loser and a loner. I guess it all stems from lack of self-esteem? Fear of rejection? I dunno. My mom is very much the same, there are no role models to show me the day to day ins and outs of being a friend. Does that even make sense?

Aiy-yai-yai...what the hell am I gonna do with me!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Stuck between a bathroom and a kitchen

It's Monday which means the holiday weekend is over (yay) and the
being good begins (damage control). Already a boat load of fruit,
grilled veggies and a spinach salad (with feta and mozzarella cheese)
has crossed my lips. 10 minutes until noon.

All alone in the home with leftovers in the fridge and I'm losing my
mind (well losing MORE of it).

It's picking a poison. I want to tell myself that to just not eat for
the rest of the day but then I worry that I will fail so I may as well
binge a little and purge it. But then how will my body react to
attempting a purge. My tummy has been very resistant those last two
days when I've tried to but maybe it was because I was afraid of
getting caught, anxious to hurry up and get it out and wasn't able to
do it the usual way lots of food/water/TIME.

Which I have right now. Undo the damage of the cheese. Succumb to the
weaknesses of the food that taunts me.

I try and tell myself to be strong like I read about on your blogs.
And I try to remember the time when I was more in control and
disciplined like you ladies but that was before Bulimia happened. It's
the worst thing I could have ever done to myself. If you ladies are
unable to throw up thank your lucky stars (or something) it sick and
takes over your mind and changes eating forever.

Sent from my iPhone.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Food Fest Five Thousand: Day 3 (w/a whopping side of sarcasm)

So I thought today that in lieu of restricting (which would inevitably lead to FAIL) I decided that I was going to eat like a "normal person". And this stroke of genius, this brilliant decision led to (all together now): Failure. 

Story of my life? Maybe. But Idon'twannatalkaboutit.

In efforts (strenuous efforts) to break free from my "Negative Nancy" shell and find some silver lining to these dark leastest (screw you Webster, it's a word in MY dictionary) light, fluffy clouds in the sky I thought it would be nice to list all the pleasantness that this weakend weekend has brought to me:

  • Brownies! That failed my attempts of purgery and I freaked out about.
  • Bring the family together! Who I wanted to ditch so that I could not be around a smorgasboard of food and/or purge properly (or something).
  • Fireworks! That we can only hear but NOT SEE from my home.
  • ...

So yeah, there you have it. My silver-ish lining. Or something. 
That's right friends, it's all bad decisions and remorse butterflies and ladybugs over here. Lovely day in the neighborhood; and d'y'know what the BEST part is? 

It's 3 o'clock! 

That means there's still like a WHOLE day still to go. And more people will come to hang out. And (hang on to your seats ladies!) MORE food to be made taunting me! I just can't contain my anxiety excitement! 

What a joy these holidays bring. It just makes me want to binge smile and purge smile and go dig myself a hole frolick in a field of flowers and die sing with the birds! 

Ugh. Break over. Back to the Lions Den.


I hope everybody is having a nice holiday weekend!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Right here.

Right here is the only place to openly vent about the frustrations I
have with food, my body...with anything.

I know you girls understand. People think you're smart. People think
you're strong. People judge. People tell you you're not fat when you
know how you FEEL. People think you crave attention. People think
you're standards are too high for yourself.

People think alot of things. When it comes down to it, we know the
reality of the situation but then there's the reality of what/how you
feel. And there's the reality of your actions and the powerlessness
over them that you feel.

Intellectually I know better but when reality strikes I'm parallized
and at it's mercy. A prisoner of my mind. A prisoner in my body.

Sent from my iPhone.

Sorry for being Negative Nancy. I have much to be grateful's Me that haunts ME.

I hate you holiday WEEKEND BBQ

I ate too much and my body + environment aren't letting me purge. Why
oh why? It's that "I'll just purge" thought that always gets me in
trouble. I guess I should be happy that it wasn't a full on binge
binge binge like it could have been but the damage is still horrible
(brownies). Too much.

The worst part of these holidays is that they are at my house Morning
until-well morning. From Friday night until Sunday morning. And the
food doesn't let up either. And you know what that means: leftovers.

There is no going home, people expect to see you doing what they do.
It's my home. Shit is talked if I try to hide. My mom especially. The
nagging. I get enough crap talked about me there's no need to add to

I hate this. I did the eating to myself but I just wish it wasn't at
my house, all day, all weekend every waking moment there is a
smorgasbord of food-Junk Food, that I can not be around. I'm not a
normal girl when it comes to food. My mind doesn't function properly.
And there's no way for people to understand (even if they knew) what
it's like unless they've been there.

I hate this.
I hate holidays.
I hate this "disorder".

I hate being me.

Sent from my iPhone.