Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
- Still didn't go over 1200 calories (nothing subtracted from purge).
- Healthy foods.
- I managed 9 days. (I persevered a few times.)
- The binge and purge actually felt...well, like just what I needed. (Disordered, I know.)
I'm frustrated. Yesterday, I thought I was so proud that I stopped my binge. But I ended up eating 1200 cals (for the day) anyway. I've only gone over 1200 (to 1300) one day in the past week and a half. I really want to walk. Last week the backs of my feet were all blistered up which I ignored and walked anyway albeit not as long and quickly as I'd wanted. This week my body hurts and I've only done 2 small 20 minute walks. Despite reaching 1200 calories yesterday, anxious as all hell when my mom came home with fresh baked french bread and wanting to throw a tantrum of frustration a 4 year old would be proud of. I went for a quick errand, trying to calm myself a bit and tried to distract myself.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Or I just may be a hypochondriac.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Gravy w/sausage Carnita tacos
- Fruit (cantalope & grapes)
- Blueberry Muffins (in lieu of cupcakes for dessert)
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Does it get any easier?
Thank you for book recommendations!
- Skinny Bitch
- Life Without ED
- Marie Antoinette
- James Patterson (London Bridges & The LakeHouse)
- John Grisham (Playing For Pizza)
- Dean Koontz (The Darkest Evening of the Year)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
That's right folks Day 3!
Monday, July 20, 2009
He-ey! I'm feeling good about today!
- No eating after 6pm.
- Healthy foods only: Veggies, Fruits, whole grains and oats. (No junk food!) (I'm looking at you Doritos; you're dead to me.)
- Drink 8+ glasses of water. (I've been slacking)
- No more than a day without exercise. (But try for at least 30 mins/day)
- No more than 1,200 cals. Just don't.
- Record EV-ER-Y calorie that crosses my lips regardless of whether it is purged. (But I'm really gonna try to not do it at all...)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
sounding like I was all "I'm so fab and super intelligent" but at the
same time all "whoa is me". Which is not how I mean to be, please
understand that this blog is more like an online diary, very candid.
It's the toilet of truth as I see it right here and now. I'm prone to
writing (typing) it out when I get all super emotional and I don't
always know what's going to come out.
a more objective positive light.
I've had some insightful conversations with my cousins this week. (Who
I will refer to as "Sis" and "Assured". I get all confused only using
first initials plus these kind of give you a feel of how I see them.)
My Sis opened my eyes to me putting my mom on a pedestal and letting
her words have far too much weight on me. She also says (she's very
positive/optimistic person) that she finds the best way to move past
the bad memories is to create new (happy) ones.
Today my cousin, Assured, had a gut-spill (spillage of the guts by
yours truly) and I found myself saying that I know my mom loves me but
at the same time she doesn't really feel the need to put the extra
effort into me because I'm here; I'm a sure shot (think unconditional
When I was telling her how I feel like all of my decisions revolve
around my mom (even if just to spite her) and I just keep doing what
my mom thinks was right. I loved hearing her boast about me, how I was
working full-time while I was going to school (ITT Tech) at the same
time. How I learn so quickly, am a great at problem solving and how I
already make more money than some people she works with who have
families to support. Meanwhile, this got old and I got increasingly
True: I was good at my job (potentially a career) and was making good
money for my age but I wasn't getting anything from my job. Assured
pointed out that in a sense (a big sense) my mom was living
vicariously through me. My mom wanted what I had (prior to
unemployment), my mom worked her ass off and up the ranks to be where
she's at career-wise and for me it just comes naturally but there is
no passion. I want to be doing something that I am passionate about as
opposed to what I just happened to be good at.
Now I'm at a point where I have the opportunity to make my own
decisions and repave my path, if you will, but I'm spiritually lost. I
don't know what makes me happy. I don't know which decision is the
"right decision". I just know that I can't go back to the path that I
was on. I have a great opportunity at this juncture in my life, I can
do anything. The difficult part is me; figuring out what I want and
taking risks (calculated risk, I'm not a Crazy Person) and
experimenting to find out what works for me.
My "life" is not difficult, I am.
I can get and hold jobs, manage money. I have skills, smarts and "a
good head on my shoulders". I have plenty $ in savings, good credit
and a mother to catch me should I fall (which I won't but still). I've
got the mechanics down pretty well. It's a matter of finding what
makes me happy and for some reason this is the part I struggle with!
People (people I've worked with, went to school with, people my
family members know...random strangers that I somehow ended up talking
to at the library-no really.) tell me how I have "soooo much
potential" and am "intelligent" and they can't wait to see what I will
do in the future... Weird, right? I dunno, I hear these things and I'm
like they (the "horses mouth") are just trying to flatter you (the
person that's telling me) by complimenting me (daughter/niece/friend/
cousin...whatevs). Does that make sense? Regardless though, these
things stress me out, like I have these mysterious expectations
weighing on my shoulders which is stupid because it's ME putting all
this pressure on MYSELF!! I need this pounded into my subconscious!!
Seriously, my life should be a cake walk!
I sound like a spoiled rich girl. :\
For the record I'm not "rich" just financially stable with a fun extra
here and there but I got this way from a mom that works her ass off
and instilled all kinds of Responsible Stuff Skills in me. (I was in
charge of paying our bills and keeping the check book balanced when I
was like 12 years old...so, yeah) ... and I still live at home. But
who can blame me it's just me and her and she's gone a lot, I can do
as I please. And I like my home ;)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Possibly. I want her to love me so desperately but at the same time I
want to hurt her emotionally as much as she has me. But then it upsets
me and hurts me to see my mother hurt. I've tried to put on a happy
face but there's a better chance of it getting ignored than not with a
dismissive "I'm tired". And it hurts to get rejected by your mom.
I Wonder sometimes if she even truly loves me. Or if she just has to
love me out of moral obligation because only bad people don't love
The worst part is I'm like her in all the ways that I hate about
myself. Insecure for one. She's been on yo-yo diets my entire life.
She even blames me that her tummy will never be tight no matter the
work she puts into it (I'm an only child).
Moody. People have a harder time believing that my mom is very moody
(the adjective is used mainly to describe me in our family) because my
mom puts on a 'everythings great/i'm happy and Ina good mood' face for
everyone else. But I'm the one who she comes home to everyday and I
never know what I'm gonna get. It's typically 'i'm tired [lazy]". She
never wanted/wants to do anything when she gets home from work unless
it's planned with other people THEN she'll muster up the energy and
Somewhere along the lines (probably back when my age was a single
digit) I got tired of getting denied. Why ask when you already knew
My mom is not some homely obese lady. She's always dressed w/make up
and smiley and energetic [for other people]. People always compliment
my mom that's she's pretty. She is overweight but is one of those that
just carries it well and dresses right for it.
She says that I didn't invite her to tonights game that she would have
totally gone. She says that I was quiet when she got home (I was
reading) and I just got ready and didn't say anything (she's paying
bills in the kitchen, I got get ready in my room). I guess we're both
just victims of circumstances. Because SHE seemed quiet to me and the
first thing she said when she got home was that she was tired and just
wanted to sleep.
I guess it was my fault for not inviting her to my game but Ive
invited her other times; first thing she asks is if Her friend will be
there (I wasn't sure today) and if she already knows her friend won't
be she'll answer me no and there were times when she just didn't feel
I guess it was my fault and I shouldn't have my feelings hurt today, I
should be use to this by now.
I guess I just want a mom that WANTS to be there. Even if she's the
only person in the bleachers, be there to watch your daughter play
whether she's good or bad. I understand that when she's gone or has
plans to hang out with somebody.
After the game her friend asked where my mom was and saying out loud
that she was at home and would be all night was like finding a bruise
I didn't know I had and coming home to her watching TV, talking to my
Sis and drink in her hand (actually, the drink is usual, everynight)
was salt in an open wound.
Sent from my iPhone.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I thought I was doing good.
I thought I wasn't SO bad.
I thought wrong.
I couldn't sleep last night. Finally at 5am I ate some cherries and a
peach. I slept. 10:30 I woke up and ate, it started just fine but my
appetite was insatiable. I kept eating. By noon I was at 1,000 calories.
I purged. I thought i was gonna snap out of it and start over in the
middle of the day. Again; i thought wrong. I binged again and purged
Start over. I grabbed my book went outside to read and layout by the
pool. Shortly after I came inside to use the restroom and got a head
to toe view of my bikini clad body then I went to my room to compare.
MY mirrors been lying to me. I freaked out. I can't remember the last
time I really looked at myself in my moms room. Obvy when I was 15-20
pounds thinner because I freaked. The. Fuck. Out.
I had to know the number. The mirrors, even clothes were deceiving me
but the scale, the scale is reality.
One hundred and thirty nine pounds.
I've become a beast. I'm huge. And what's worse is that I haven't
worked out like truly put in the work for over a year. Well over.
Over (well over) a year ago 130 scared me off the scale because I
could not bare to see that number. That very large number. And now...
I use to be obsessive. Consumed by numbers. I counted every calorie
that passed my lips. I exercised 5 days a week. I stepped on the scale
every. Single. Morning. And recorded my weight.
One slice of forbidden pizza and I stuck my fingers down my throat for
the first time. My life changed.
The binging got worse [enter junk food] because 'I could purge it' I
naively thought. But you don't get everything up, sometimes your body
even denies you completely. And the thing with junk food is it only
makes you want more and more. I stopped counting calories. The days I
wouldn't binge because I thought I knew. The days that I did binge was
because how do you keep track of calories flushed? I stopped
exercising because puking drains you of energy and the junk food does
Healthy food just didn't cut it anymore, I had the taste of processed,
fatty junk on my tongue.
One day the scale would be bareable and the next it would be at the
roof. I kept telling myself that it would go down because I would be
good but I just kept finding (okay, MAKING) more opportunities to
binge. Pretty soon the numbers weren't bouncing back and I was waist
deep and sinking into this endless bulimic cycle.
3 years of darkness.
3 years of 1 step forward 2 steps back.
24 years old in 2 months.
These haunting numbers and only 1 is within my power to change. My
body is a machine; it's a numbers game.
Calories in. Calories out.
Back to book keeping.
Back to rules.
Back to reality.
The vacation is over, that number must change.
Sent from my iPhone.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
- oatmeal w/blueberries (twice-boo!)
- (rolled oats, Splenda, blended fresh blueberries-I don't do the packetty ones)
- salad w/avocado & cheese, salsa dressing
- (I usually just have plain salad iceberg, carrots, cabbage with salsa on top)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
being good begins (damage control). Already a boat load of fruit,
grilled veggies and a spinach salad (with feta and mozzarella cheese)
has crossed my lips. 10 minutes until noon.
All alone in the home with leftovers in the fridge and I'm losing my
mind (well losing MORE of it).
It's picking a poison. I want to tell myself that to just not eat for
the rest of the day but then I worry that I will fail so I may as well
binge a little and purge it. But then how will my body react to
attempting a purge. My tummy has been very resistant those last two
days when I've tried to but maybe it was because I was afraid of
getting caught, anxious to hurry up and get it out and wasn't able to
do it the usual way lots of food/water/TIME.
Which I have right now. Undo the damage of the cheese. Succumb to the
weaknesses of the food that taunts me.
I try and tell myself to be strong like I read about on your blogs.
And I try to remember the time when I was more in control and
disciplined like you ladies but that was before Bulimia happened. It's
the worst thing I could have ever done to myself. If you ladies are
unable to throw up thank your lucky stars (or something) it sick and
takes over your mind and changes eating forever.
Sent from my iPhone.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
- Brownies! That failed my attempts of purgery and I freaked out about.
- Bring the family together! Who I wanted to ditch so that I could not be around a smorgasboard of food and/or purge properly (or something).
- Fireworks! That we can only hear but NOT SEE from my home.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
have with food, my body...with anything.
I know you girls understand. People think you're smart. People think
you're strong. People judge. People tell you you're not fat when you
know how you FEEL. People think you crave attention. People think
you're standards are too high for yourself.
People think alot of things. When it comes down to it, we know the
reality of the situation but then there's the reality of what/how you
feel. And there's the reality of your actions and the powerlessness
over them that you feel.
Intellectually I know better but when reality strikes I'm parallized
and at it's mercy. A prisoner of my mind. A prisoner in my body.
Sent from my iPhone.
oh why? It's that "I'll just purge" thought that always gets me in
trouble. I guess I should be happy that it wasn't a full on binge
binge binge like it could have been but the damage is still horrible
(brownies). Too much.
The worst part of these holidays is that they are at my house Morning
until-well morning. From Friday night until Sunday morning. And the
food doesn't let up either. And you know what that means: leftovers.
There is no going home, people expect to see you doing what they do.
It's my home. Shit is talked if I try to hide. My mom especially. The
nagging. I get enough crap talked about me there's no need to add to
I hate this. I did the eating to myself but I just wish it wasn't at
my house, all day, all weekend every waking moment there is a
smorgasbord of food-Junk Food, that I can not be around. I'm not a
normal girl when it comes to food. My mind doesn't function properly.
And there's no way for people to understand (even if they knew) what
it's like unless they've been there.
I hate this.
I hate holidays.
I hate this "disorder".
I hate being me.
Sent from my iPhone.