Friday, July 24, 2009
Last night on my walk with my cousin, Assured, we were talking about judging.
My family is very judgey. My immediate family is small but close. My mom and my Nina (she's my aunt but also my godmother, called "Nina" in espanol) (no I don't know espanol-well, only the Important Things. Example: getting drunk.) are very close. They are more like minded in that they've always aspired to live a better life (they grew up poor, like milk cows before going to school poor). Both driven to succeed.
My Nina had a long term boyfriend (20+ years-which seems to be a trend in our family) never had kids, making career her top priority. My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby and also guardianship of my cousin (10 yrs older, my "Sis").
These women were my Role Models growing up, I learned the ropes early helping my mom at the office (b/c she had to work late and didn't have anybody to watch me) and even at home (Mother/Daughter time-you're jealous right?).
So I did everything right. I went to vocational school (ITT Tech) full-time and also working at an office full-time, I did well at work ($) and graduated school. I drive a nice car, had a good job with bennies and all that.
A typical question when the Fam Bam gets together is how is work. Normal. Except now, now that I've been unemployed and DOING NOTHING for MONTHS now, there is judgement in their eyes. I'm "loserish" now. My cousins have felt this way-saying how our family is materialistic and how they are uncomfortable going over sometimes.
I never saw it.
How could I when, it was so normal. I was accepted. I was doing what was the "right" thing to do; what they would've done.
And now, I see what it's liked to feel judged by my own family. I know they still love me but now there's a flicker of disapproval in their eyes. Even my mom. She loves me. She knows that I just don't know what I want to do. She knows that I have savings to support myself. She knows that I'm "smart" and "marketable". She knows I want to be Sure when I take my next step, that I was unhappy. But still, deep down she's anxious for me to make a move, to do something already. She wants to push me so bad but knows I am stubborn and she remember aforementioned things. That'll I'll be okay.
No job, no school. = Loser.
I don't even think it really has anything to do with me and her. I think it's more what other people think and/or say and it makes her uncomfortable when people ask her about me. She can no longer boast about my good job or anything like that.
No job, no school. = Loser.
Not helping the "depression" situation, y'know? It's hard for me to "listen to my heart" of what is truly gonna make me "happy" and take a step towards doing something that is "fulfilling" when in the back of my mind there is a voice telling me to go the safe route and do what I know-what everybody else wants me to do. But I don't want to be miserable 40 hours a week again, I may as well go the suicide route cuz I'm as good as dead if I go back to doing what I was doing.