Friday, July 24, 2009

Judged.

Last night on my walk with my cousin, Assured, we were talking about judging.

My family is very judgey. My immediate family is small but close. My mom and my Nina (she's my aunt but also my godmother, called "Nina" in espanol) (no I don't know espanol-well, only the Important Things. Example: getting drunk.) are very close. They are more like minded in that they've always aspired to live a better life (they grew up poor, like milk cows before going to school poor). Both driven to succeed.

My Nina had a long term boyfriend (20+ years-which seems to be a trend in our family) never had kids, making career her top priority. My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby and also guardianship of my cousin (10 yrs older, my "Sis").

These women were my Role Models growing up, I learned the ropes early helping my mom at the office (b/c she had to work late and didn't have anybody to watch me) and even at home (Mother/Daughter time-you're jealous right?).

So I did everything right. I went to vocational school (ITT Tech) full-time and also working at an office full-time, I did well at work ($) and graduated school. I drive a nice car, had a good job with bennies and all that.

A typical question when the Fam Bam gets together is how is work. Normal. Except now, now that I've been unemployed and DOING NOTHING for MONTHS now, there is judgement in their eyes. I'm "loserish" now. My cousins have felt this way-saying how our family is materialistic and how they are uncomfortable going over sometimes.

I never saw it.

How could I when, it was so normal. I was accepted. I was doing what was the "right" thing to do; what they would've done.

And now, I see what it's liked to feel judged by my own family. I know they still love me but now there's a flicker of disapproval in their eyes. Even my mom. She loves me. She knows that I just don't know what I want to do. She knows that I have savings to support myself. She knows that I'm "smart" and "marketable". She knows I want to be Sure when I take my next step, that I was unhappy. But still, deep down she's anxious for me to make a move, to do something already. She wants to push me so bad but knows I am stubborn and she remember aforementioned things. That'll I'll be okay.

No job, no school. = Loser.

I don't even think it really has anything to do with me and her. I think it's more what other people think and/or say and it makes her uncomfortable when people ask her about me. She can no longer boast about my good job or anything like that.

No job, no school. = Loser.

Not helping the "depression" situation, y'know? It's hard for me to "listen to my heart" of what is truly gonna make me "happy" and take a step towards doing something that is "fulfilling" when in the back of my mind there is a voice telling me to go the safe route and do what I know-what everybody else wants me to do. But I don't want to be miserable 40 hours a week again, I may as well go the suicide route cuz I'm as good as dead if I go back to doing what I was doing.

7 comments:

  1. i feel like your family and my family should get together and burn the town down together...i'm sort of in the same boat. i'm going to school but i'm still not sure what my major is, but i know its not going to be pre-med anymore! and i feel like, even though she loves me, my mom is really upset that she can't brag about "having a doctor as a daughter"...and like i talk about dropping out becasue i'm unhappy and my family looks at me like i'm a failure, even if i'm happy this way! ugh...basically im trying to say that i can relate. but i try not to listen to my family, or anyone else for that matter, and just do what makes me happy, and i think you should too...no suicide route!

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  2. my dad is the same way.
    he is like deeply disappointed because i traveled the same path as him and im not doing anything with my talent. not going to school, working 50 hours a week, living at home. he got pissed and told me i need to figure out something with my life and get on with it because my shit is getting old. :(

    so i know how the disapproval feels.
    and im a daddys girl so it stings even more.

    you will find something out.
    meditate, clear your head, and pray for gods guidance to take you down the path you were meant to travel. :) idk if you are very religious or not, but i believe in higher power.

    anyways, thanks again for your very sweet email. that was thoughtful of you to tell me all that and i appreciate it so much. :D

    stay strong <3

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  3. suicide is never the answer! bliv me I have contemplated it a few times! but think how ur family would feel then! and to no that they made you feel that badly! Im sure it would destroy them!
    neway ur doing so well on ur binge purge thing focus on that if you can and realise just how strong u are! If you had all that success before and are now successfully fighting ur ed there is no stopping u!
    Im beginnning to think every1 has a litl life crisis like this! me with my dance injury, other ppl making complete career changes! look at Tom from desperate housewives the guy doesnt no what he wants to do haha! pizza parlour, chinese business, advertising!
    take time and figure it out! x

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  4. I can understand what you're going through. When I was really really fat, whenever my mom would take me around the family (which was rare to begin with) they would always have something to say about my weight. I don't know whats worse, overhearing the judgmental comments, or seeing the judgment in their eyes. Anyway, hang strong dear. Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life.

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  5. Oh yes, this lady Mona is amazing.
    It feels so good to be understood in all aspects. And especially about feeling like I'm not in my own body. Oh man, she nailed it right on the head.

    I am just so happy that I am going to be fixed and not going to be tired anymore! So glad.
    Thank you so much for your support, its really great to have a person like you following. Its almost reassuring :D I will continue to post what happens. Thanks again for your love! <3

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  6. Yeah, being miserable 40+ hours a week sucks. I live for the weekend, which is no way to live, you know? Wishing your life away five days at a time...

    I don't have any good advice, but I have a lot of sympathy.

    Stay strong. At least you know one thing you DON'T want to do. :)

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  7. I'm finally all caught up on your blog so forgive me if I leave 500 comments. Honey I know things are better with work and money but I still had to comment on this one. I felt exactly the same way as you when I lost my job and sat around with no job for 4 months it sucked. No matter what anyone says about the economy and shit to make you feel better you can still feel them judging you for being a loser. Even if family is being supportive you know that you not working puts them in an awkward situation when people ask them what you are doing.

    That last paragraph about you having trouble listening to your heart I swear it's like you where reading my mind. Everything I do is because it's what I think my parents want me to do. Sorry to write a novel

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