Thursday, July 9, 2009
Simultaneously Up & Down
The leftover situation:
There weren't many leftover (HALLELUJAH!) my family is getting increasingly better at leaving all the leftovers at my house since they know they just go to waste (one way or another....). My mom is always on a diet or wanting to start one (my. entire. life.) but lately she's been doing pretty good and staying on the wagon. She cut slices of choclatey chocolate cake which she would try really hard not to eat. So why keep it you ask? I asked the same thing holding over the trash can and asking my sister if she wanted it, if not I can it. So she took it.
The next day I ate a whole lot of the fruit that was left over and grilled veggies (okay, so I ate all of it but it was fruits and veggies! Love, love, love. And they are healthy...) I was determined not to puke and when the chips started edging it's way into my mind I poured them into the trash can along with a few other binge inducing and calorie laden items.
It felt so good to throw them out. I felt so strong and in control. A feeling that hasn't been with me for quite some time now.
Tuesday I did okay too. But yesterday I purged. I just ate too much, too early and freaked then flushed. But today is a new day! And I'm determined not to binge, not to break. I want to feel the strength and control of Monday.
Also Monday and Tuesday my mom and I went for a walk. I like going with her because we keep each other at a good pace. It felt good. I used to go on walks at the very least 3 times a week and would even go by myself. And now...notsomuch but I really want to make a change. I can see it already in the mirror. While still overweight, I can see the subtle smoothing of the lumps and enlargements that have happened in recent (unemployed) months.
Almost all of my family is out in Laughlin right now for the family get-together we have every year. I opted out of going despite my mom making any and every effort to do otherwise. Including getting me a room. I just couldn't say yes. The anxiety of the week leading to...I would not want to eat (bikini) which would make me want to eat and eating would have me "freaking and flushing".
My sister and my new niece will be in town though. And my friends invited me to hang out and watch the UFC fight on Saturday. I know that I should reach out to them and hang out but I freak out about being fat. I just can't be comfortable knowing how enormous I am. If I'm not comfortable I'm not confident and if I'm not confident I'm no fun. What a conundrum!
I don't have many friends and I have no close friends. It sounds bizarre but I don't really know how to make friends. I'm always afraid that people aren't going to like me or think I'm not interesting and boring or something. I'm also embarrassed by just that. I don't have any friends like a loser and a loner. I guess it all stems from lack of self-esteem? Fear of rejection? I dunno. My mom is very much the same, there are no role models to show me the day to day ins and outs of being a friend. Does that even make sense?
Aiy-yai-yai...what the hell am I gonna do with me!