a more objective positive light.
I've had some insightful conversations with my cousins this week. (Who
I will refer to as "Sis" and "Assured". I get all confused only using
first initials plus these kind of give you a feel of how I see them.)
My Sis opened my eyes to me putting my mom on a pedestal and letting
her words have far too much weight on me. She also says (she's very
positive/optimistic person) that she finds the best way to move past
the bad memories is to create new (happy) ones.
Today my cousin, Assured, had a gut-spill (spillage of the guts by
yours truly) and I found myself saying that I know my mom loves me but
at the same time she doesn't really feel the need to put the extra
effort into me because I'm here; I'm a sure shot (think unconditional
When I was telling her how I feel like all of my decisions revolve
around my mom (even if just to spite her) and I just keep doing what
my mom thinks was right. I loved hearing her boast about me, how I was
working full-time while I was going to school (ITT Tech) at the same
time. How I learn so quickly, am a great at problem solving and how I
already make more money than some people she works with who have
families to support. Meanwhile, this got old and I got increasingly
True: I was good at my job (potentially a career) and was making good
money for my age but I wasn't getting anything from my job. Assured
pointed out that in a sense (a big sense) my mom was living
vicariously through me. My mom wanted what I had (prior to
unemployment), my mom worked her ass off and up the ranks to be where
she's at career-wise and for me it just comes naturally but there is
no passion. I want to be doing something that I am passionate about as
opposed to what I just happened to be good at.
Now I'm at a point where I have the opportunity to make my own
decisions and repave my path, if you will, but I'm spiritually lost. I
don't know what makes me happy. I don't know which decision is the
"right decision". I just know that I can't go back to the path that I
was on. I have a great opportunity at this juncture in my life, I can
do anything. The difficult part is me; figuring out what I want and
taking risks (calculated risk, I'm not a Crazy Person) and
experimenting to find out what works for me.
My "life" is not difficult, I am.
I can get and hold jobs, manage money. I have skills, smarts and "a
good head on my shoulders". I have plenty $ in savings, good credit
and a mother to catch me should I fall (which I won't but still). I've
got the mechanics down pretty well. It's a matter of finding what
makes me happy and for some reason this is the part I struggle with!
People (people I've worked with, went to school with, people my
family members know...random strangers that I somehow ended up talking
to at the library-no really.) tell me how I have "soooo much
potential" and am "intelligent" and they can't wait to see what I will
do in the future... Weird, right? I dunno, I hear these things and I'm
like they (the "horses mouth") are just trying to flatter you (the
person that's telling me) by complimenting me (daughter/niece/friend/
cousin...whatevs). Does that make sense? Regardless though, these
things stress me out, like I have these mysterious expectations
weighing on my shoulders which is stupid because it's ME putting all
this pressure on MYSELF!! I need this pounded into my subconscious!!
Seriously, my life should be a cake walk!
I sound like a spoiled rich girl. :\
For the record I'm not "rich" just financially stable with a fun extra
here and there but I got this way from a mom that works her ass off
and instilled all kinds of Responsible Stuff Skills in me. (I was in
charge of paying our bills and keeping the check book balanced when I
was like 12 years old...so, yeah) ... and I still live at home. But
who can blame me it's just me and her and she's gone a lot, I can do
as I please. And I like my home ;)