Friday, July 17, 2009

Mommy Issues

I don't know how I feel about my mom. I love her so much I hate her?
Possibly. I want her to love me so desperately but at the same time I
want to hurt her emotionally as much as she has me. But then it upsets
me and hurts me to see my mother hurt. I've tried to put on a happy
face but there's a better chance of it getting ignored than not with a
dismissive "I'm tired". And it hurts to get rejected by your mom.

I Wonder sometimes if she even truly loves me. Or if she just has to
love me out of moral obligation because only bad people don't love
their kids.

The worst part is I'm like her in all the ways that I hate about
myself. Insecure for one. She's been on yo-yo diets my entire life.
She even blames me that her tummy will never be tight no matter the
work she puts into it (I'm an only child).

Moody. People have a harder time believing that my mom is very moody
(the adjective is used mainly to describe me in our family) because my
mom puts on a 'everythings great/i'm happy and Ina good mood' face for
everyone else. But I'm the one who she comes home to everyday and I
never know what I'm gonna get. It's typically 'i'm tired [lazy]". She
never wanted/wants to do anything when she gets home from work unless
it's planned with other people THEN she'll muster up the energy and
bright eyes.

Somewhere along the lines (probably back when my age was a single
digit) I got tired of getting denied. Why ask when you already knew
the answer?

My mom is not some homely obese lady. She's always dressed w/make up
and smiley and energetic [for other people]. People always compliment
my mom that's she's pretty. She is overweight but is one of those that
just carries it well and dresses right for it.

She says that I didn't invite her to tonights game that she would have
totally gone. She says that I was quiet when she got home (I was
reading) and I just got ready and didn't say anything (she's paying
bills in the kitchen, I got get ready in my room). I guess we're both
just victims of circumstances. Because SHE seemed quiet to me and the
first thing she said when she got home was that she was tired and just
wanted to sleep.

I guess it was my fault for not inviting her to my game but Ive
invited her other times; first thing she asks is if Her friend will be
there (I wasn't sure today) and if she already knows her friend won't
be she'll answer me no and there were times when she just didn't feel
like going.

I guess it was my fault and I shouldn't have my feelings hurt today, I
should be use to this by now.

I guess I just want a mom that WANTS to be there. Even if she's the
only person in the bleachers, be there to watch your daughter play
whether she's good or bad. I understand that when she's gone or has
plans to hang out with somebody.

After the game her friend asked where my mom was and saying out loud
that she was at home and would be all night was like finding a bruise
I didn't know I had and coming home to her watching TV, talking to my
Sis and drink in her hand (actually, the drink is usual, everynight)
was salt in an open wound.

Sent from my iPhone.

1 comment:

  1. ohhhh ((HUGS)) sweetness, I dont know what to say except i hear the pain in your "voice", and I want so much to take it away, to give you some peace from all these things that cause you so much distress...Its so sad that we "learned" in a sense our eating disorders so young in life...her saying that it is your fault her tummy will never be flat is a bag of horse shit and I hope you can see it for hwta it attempt and a suckish one at that to cover her own faults by blame, how terriable to blame a daughter with an ED, for her physical shortcomeings..I am so sorry dear one...well I am interested in the game! How dod you do?? Did you cream the other team? bet you did!!

    Love you , Z


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