Right now I can't do it "healthy", I freak because I'm fat. Once I drop 10 pounds my mind will be more stable.
In other words, once I am able to fit in my clothes and look in the mirror without cringing and see the number on the scale without wanting to burst into tears THEN perhaps attempts at "healthy" will be possible.
But right now: no. I'm sorry, just No.
My attempts at "healthy" lead to the above which is misery and it's just not gonna happen. So fukit I'ma do what I want to do and right now I just want to focus on dropping 10 el bees. I hate this weight. It's unbearable.
I have sat here thinking and rethinking what I could say to you to change your mind to REcovery...not "wieght manipulation" but really whom am I to talk when I have been such a negative nancy as of late...especially TODAY....I am sorry if I triggered you or added more fuel to the fire so to speak...BUT and its a big BUT...we can change this together...we can tell the ED to go FUCK Off or we can listen to it and suffer...YOU DONT DESERVE TO SUFFER like i some how suspect you think you do. WE could go on a "health KICK" together...follow a moderate MP...slightly below normal, you will lose wieght cause you exercise and I will ...le sigh stay the same BUTTT WE WILL NOT BE ILL and emotionally unstable...we will be 2 chics listening to our bodies, Not bashing our selfs for not being model thin ( really they are air brushed) and living a real life like working at your an IT job and playing softball. I dont know about you but I ahve had to much therapy you ignore the facts once you know you have an ED...IT DOESNT WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE!!! you will never be where you want to be it will never be enough...so why not STOP now~!!! stop the insanity if you will...I will support you no matter what you do but know my heart wants you to be healthy...and happy...please be kind to yourself...you dont deserve this kind of torture...really no matter how bad you think you are YOUR NOT!!!!!
ReplyDeleteyou deserve to be kind to yourself..I swears you do!!!
Love you, Z
I always feel like a big "wanarexic" fraud. I'm not pro-anything, I don't think eating disorders are cool. I don't actually have one, I just want to be thin.
ReplyDeleteThis assuredness is starting to curl at the edges though, because, as with you, I keep saying that I will do normal when I'm "ready", when I've lost more weight and am thin enough and happy with myself. But I AM thin enough, and I'm not happy with myself and I STILL want to lose more weight before I become normal. Every kilo I think, one more kilo and I'll be safe to start on my new, normal life. Then I get there and I don't want to risk it all. But maybe after one more... maybe
Realisation kicks in even harder when I try to be normal and I can't. At all. Every bit of food precipitates a binge. Small binges have progressed into huge, proper, side-splitting bulimic binges where I don't even need to stick my fingers down my throat to throw up.
And I think yes, this is real, this is a disease, I have an eating disorder. Normal later never works. I'm with Z, the lot of us could do with a damn lot of normal now!
Ha, I love those kinds of comments too; they make me feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way you do about going "healthy." I'm just not ready. I think to myself, just a few more pounds, then I'll be happy and satisfied with myself. But then I remember, I used to be happy with this weight. People called me thin and small at this weight. Why doesn't it feel the same?
It's confusing, and frustrating, to be unable to trust yourself to know what's good for you. I think, maybe, once I get down to my goal weight, I'll try to be "healthy." I'll do it then (I'm forcing myself to do it then even though I'll probably still think I'm "fat") because I know that, right now, I would be cheating myself. Let's face it, being healthy (truly healthy) is difficult. I would just revert back to fasting and b/ping and abusing laxatives.
I hope you (and all of us) can eventually be "normal" and "healthy." I think we'd be happier that way - I'm just too scared to find out.
my goodness woman, you've taken the words right out of my mouth. I think eating this weekend was my attempt at being "normal" and reducing weight "normally". It went terribly awry. I'm a danger to myself so until I lose 15lbs, I won't trust myself with food. I can't, and I just won't.
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I try to avoid it in the first place because purging sometimes just don't do the job correctly. Today, all of it came out but that's because I haven't purged since March. I think purging follows the diminishing returns rule: the marginal gain (or loss in this case) decreases with every purge...less and less comes out.
Thus...I just don't eat what I shouldn't eat.
X
I don't know about you, but for me, losing ten pounds only leads to wanting to lose ten more. Those feelings of insecurity about my body don't go away... And then suddenly, I'm constantly aiming for ten more lost pounds...
ReplyDeleteIs this ever going to end? I don't know. My body is never good enough. I always tell myself I can go back to "healthy" weight loss once I lose said amount of pounds, but then I can't leave ana or mia because it's what I know and what makes it happen sooner.
Good luck, love. I'm rooting for you and sending love and support your way! ♥