Tuesday, October 27, 2009
But this little Pomegranate rolled away from the Apple Tree.
I want a place for it. I will keep it out until you absolutely make me put in somewhere I will feel all icky and discombobulated on the inside because I was forced to put in a place that I know it does not belong; everything needs a place. It's what we call organization, it creates order and makes things easier and it's just Fucking Nice, I can breathe, relax- no kinks is my brain. You know that feeling where everything is just settling into place, it begins with the little things.
Need a computer thingy? BAM!
Travel Stuff? POW!
To the right.
Need a battery? BOOM!
What? It's not there? Well then, calm yourself Grasshopper, I don't have it. No need to turn the house inside out and upside down.
But THIS WOMAN! UUUUGGGH! She loses, misplaces and forgets everything. And then. And then(!) she's complains to me about it!! What Mom? You kidding, you lost your earring?! What do you mean?! Well it couldn't be in this or that pile of jewelry on the kitchen table, in any pile on any of the counters, in the TV room, in your bathroom, on your nightstand, in the bottom of your purse, a pocket...oh that's right it can. WHAT?! This isn't the first time this has happen, you have lost several pieces of jewelry? Well, what about one of your 2,000 "safe place" that you put them that you don't remember? Oh. That's right. You don't remember.
And this always happens. And yet, this scenario still surprises her somehow, she's genuinely baffled. Which baffles me. We're just one flustercated baffley family.
Anyhoodle. I'm tired. I got shit to do, this scene is tired and played out. So let's fucking move right along, let's fix this shit. Perhaps she might come up with a new habit, a ritual if you will. No, she won't. She's tried, it doesn't work to try and she's older and she's been like this for so long and she tried but it doesn't work. Let's just keep doing the same thing, with the same outcome, and be baffled by it.
Le sigh, le sigh.
This whole, I'm older and I tried and it doesn't work. Lame. Just: Lame. Lameassness, if you will. (Or even if you won't.) (HAH!) She's been complaining about different things and when I try and fix the situation (tired, played out scenes) this is her reply.
You can only change yourself. If you continue to do the same things and getting the same sad results, guess what? YOU'RE WAY ISN'T WORKING!! YOU are doing this to YOURSELF!! Change yourself. If you want things to change, observe and learn and CORRECT. Correct what you can control. You.
I'm not saying it's easy. Sometimes we have setbacks, there are good/bad days and sometimes your gonna want to throw in the towel and maybe you do throw it. Guess what, you failed yourself. But failure is not inevitable and it's certainly not forever, persist, give it another go, pick up that damn towel again or learn to love the outcome of these tired scenes and stop bitching about them all supryzzled, like there's a glitch in the fucking system. The glitch is you! You are the glitch. If at first you don't succeed try, try, try again!
Unless you know magic. And if you are all powerful and magical, then your one Happy Duck and don't have any problems and you should call me so you can fix mine. I'll put in a good word for you on my blog.
You know want a mention.
I am basically yelling at myself. (But it feels better when we blame others, no?)
I felt sad and irritated at my moms words because they are admitting defeat. She saying fuck it, this is just how I am.
How. I. Am.
That may be, but if you are not happy with this then I don't believe that this is Who You Are. It is a persons character that is who they are and my "character" is not bulimia or an eating disorder. My character is the will, the want, the determination to fight it (erm, it was side a effect of another want--it's like a damn drug commercial where the side effects are sometimes worse than the benefits!).
Bulimia. I want a divorce.
You are never going to change, your promises are bullshit and you will never be good for me.
And no make up sex. Stop trying to seduce me. I'm getting a vibrator.
Wait. Where was I going with this analogy?
Oh. It ended? Before that last senten.....
I will not be defeated. Human beings are ever changing and ever evolving and the last time I checked I'm one of them. You only lose when you quit.
And I'm a Champagne!
Champion? Freudian slip?
Fukit, CHAMPAGNE! Let's pop the bubbly and toast! (It doesn't really matter what you toast to as long as there delishus champagne to drink! I don't care if it was $5, tastes golden to me! :)
P.S. (if anybody even makes it this far into the post! I ain't even gonna proofread this ish) ALL of you are so, so wonderful and your comments are so uplifting and wise. Thank you.
"...remember that square 1 is an abstract concept in your head and you dont actually have to let this one time rule what follows." ~Lulu I love this. These words were so wise and really struck a chord in me. Thank you.
"wars weren't won in a day, you can lose battles, but stick to it, keep your head high, tell your self that u got it, and you will NOT fail." ~*Princess*Smile* more wise words, simple and true. Thank you.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
This post is incredibly difficult for me to write. Seeing on the screen in black and white that I am once again back at Day 1.
Last night I binged and purged. Twice. Two horrible binges and only 6 days since my last.
It's not like I don't know what I am doing. Clearly, reason is out the window and healthy is not at the forefront of my mind but the upsetting truth remains, I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway.
Last week the predominant emotion was loneliness and the feeling that I will never be what I dream. Last week I was defeated. This week was different though. This week the number 7 wasn't so far from 1, I wasn't throwing so many days away. My body was craving (I ain't gonna lie, it still is unsatisfied and craving and my head is aching from last nights ralphing), I suppose I was lacking nutrition, my brain was chemically imbalanced and I was being reckless, masochistic and irresponsible.
I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. But I have no time machine to undo the damage I have done to myself so here I go again picking myself off the ground (or rather, taking my head out of the toilet) and dusting myself off to give it another go. Learn and move forward, no use dwelling on yesterdays spilled milk (or ralphed yogurt).
So now that I got that out of the way. Do you ever ralph and look at it trying to figure out what the hell it is? AND in the middle of my chuckfest (I'm sorry but I'm so tired of the word purge) last night my mom came home! I have no idea what all I got out and in a panic popped a couple laxies (I do know the science on them) but I just wanted it out of me and my BM's lately have been miniscule and are not reflective of my intake so I actually do think that I needed them-regardless of binge.
Ana's Girl thank you for suggesting, I LOVE suggestions! :)) I am going to try the whiten with the at home things (Rand noted! Strips. Thanx:)) and do lumineers in 6 months. I was really afraid of using the whitening products before because I thought my teeth were so unhealthy and rotting and going to fall out (dramatic much?) so I was afraid that the bleach and chemicals might do more harm than good. What a relief facing reality! It's so hard but so worth it to just finally know and move on to do something about it. I urge you all to do so as well, just do it (Nike, I love your slogan; use it all the time!) (because we all know Nike is a person and totally reads my blog) you will feel SOOOOO much better. (And if your melodramatic *cough*like me*cough* it probably isn't as bad as you thought it was!
Lumineers also change the shape and stuff of your teeth so whitening is a plus but they also serve the purpose of making the overall look of my teeth more attractive. And what can I say? I'm incredibly vain. AND I live in SoCal which is like the breeding ground of shallow and vain people (hence the eating disorder), eating disorders are almost normal here and really easy to get away with. EVERYBODY is on a diet, so just saying you're on a diet or however you eat, people accept and back off. I am not saying it's the only place or whatever but sometimes I read blogs and I'm thinking why don't they just tell so and so that they're dieting or watching what they eat or trying to be more healthy? Cuz to me it's totally acceptable and normal.
P.S. Rain, you were totally empowering ;) YES and definitely will have the body to match!!
Friday, October 23, 2009
My eyes glazed over when the x-ray lady was taking pictures with a camera and I saw the yellow-brown on my teeth. Disgusting. All that purging...I just know the dentist is gonna shake his head knowingly and tell me that I need to start taking care of my teeth to prolong their rotting and falling out. Dentures, are no doubt, in my future.
He didn't. He was really cool (in terms of dentist), young and super nice. Right off (there was no hiding my terror of sitting in that chair!) he told me that my teeth were fine, nothing major, while at 24 they are not in the state of health that is ideal, there is definitely nothing major going on.
Whew! I believe I took my first breathe after that statement!
He poked around and noted the excessive staining (Q: "smoke? drink a lot of coffee?" A: Former Chain Smoker. Coffeeholic.) and an itty bitty cavity. All in all, not so bad. Not NEARLY what I thought it would be. Thank Gawd!!
We talked lumineers ($5500) and I want them soooo bad! I want a beautiful smile! If I get lumineers then my teeth will be white and shaped all pretty and my smile would be GORRR-GUS Dawling!! Just GOWRGUS!! I can't stop thinking about it and how much I want it, it will happen but just not now, I need an income. Even if I got a cheesy job, I would totally do it. I can. I will.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I will be that girl-that WOMAN that I want to be.
I am the controller of me.
Today the scale told me that I was 117.5 lbs. (I like it! I like it!)
Today I ate a HUGE breakfast, snack and lunch (not to mention lunch
was too pricey for my miniscule budget). While it was all healthy food
I still feel extremely guilty and very much like a heiffer. I had 2
samples of what TR's where havin to offer.
• Hummus on a toasty cracker thing. Hummus fine. The cracker? Hmph!
• 4 Big grapes, sugar or calorie-wise not the best choice but it's
• Margherita Pizza. Whatthehell Flushed that's should have followed
the plate in the trash! Only the cheese made it to the trash...but
still, while relatively thin, it's not a whole wheat crust and white
stuff... Well it just does something to me and that something is not
Which is why I went for the Red Fat Greek Salad and thingy of
Watermelon! BUDGET, hell-o did I forget I'm on a damn budget?! $7 when
I should have gotten a 19 cent banana.
I did take some of the Feta out. Didn't touch the dressing.
Total Caloric intake for today SO FAR(!) is 668.
And TheElectrician wants to hang out tonight, so Bam: MORE calories.
What am I masochistic?! 117.5! I'm supposed to keep going with this
downward trend not eat more!
Sent from my iPhone.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I have a new rule. No more than 300 calories in a sitting. Any more
and that is what I consider a binge.
Passing my Guidance class onto you all.
My teacher was telling us about her dealing with alcoholics (her
degree is in psychology) and she was telling this Alky that he is
basically saying, through his addiction, that he was no better than
liquid in a cup as this liquid in a cup controls him and knowingly he
continues to drink it thereby allowing it by choice to control him.
I think we all know a little bit about addiction (read: more than we'd
like to know...)
Human beings are smart. All of us. And to be dumbed down to liquid or
some other substance, that doesn't even have a brain to think. Doesn't
even have a voice to command. It simply exists. And yet I ALLOW IT to
have so much power over me. Me. An intelligent human being chooses to
allow myself to be subordinate to...food?
I pretend that I have no power over food. I have brain washed and
manipulated my own mind to believe that food can control me, has power
over me. And if something has power over you, to control your thoughts
and actions are you not less than this that controls you?
What are your thoughts?
Sent from my iPhone.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Did I mention that I'm askird to go to the dentist? Freaky Friday?
On a positive note.
YANKEES WON tonight!! One more win and we got this series!!
Goodnight. Good. Night.
Monday, October 19, 2009
OX ~ MUAH!! ~ XO
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Freakin the Fuck Out.
FREEKING. THE. FUCK. OUT. OVA HERE!!!
The day is gone. I managed to make it through the yuppie socialization events relatively unscathed. My insecurities are very much at a forefront in my mind. I want what they have. I'm the poor, awkward mexican girl in a world where I don't belong. I want what they have. They have wealth. They have education. They have social grace. They have tons of friends. And lives of luxury and beautiful things. I want what they have.
I ate guiltily at the shower. 2 cups of sangria. 1/4 cup of quinoa something or other. 1/4 cup of pilaf something or other. 1 cup of chinese salad. Grapes, pineapple, strawberries, blueberries. I avoided the croissant sandwiches (the cheese, the bread: ignored). Then onto the yuppie home. Gorgeous. Historical home, one that has basements, attics, balconies, porches, nooks, studies, the windows with all the little squares and shudders...they're renovating, everything is so beautiful. I want what they have. We got the grand tour and stayed for a drink (greyhound).
As soon as we got home: Bingey McBingerton was me. My mom left with my aunt. I'm all alone. Bingey McBingerton is me. I can just throw it up. I can purge. I can binge and I can purge. There's time. There's aloneness. I'm all alone. I want what they have. They are not alone. They are surrounded by friends and beauty. I want what they have. I'm all alone.
I want to binge.
I want to purge.
I want to feel full.
I want to be empty.
I want to throw them away.
Day 1 tomorrow?
I did 76 days.
I can do it again, right?
I'll do more next time.
I don't want to be fat.
I don't want to gain.
I want to be thin.
I want to be skinny skinny.
I want to weigh nothing.
I can do it. Tomorrow I'll start at day 1? A new leaf?
I'm all alone.
I am Bingey McBingerton and tomorrow is day 1?
I want what they have. I want to live in their world.
What can I do to live in their world?
Friday, October 16, 2009
Ay-yo, you. Time. Yeah. Slow it da-oh-n sucka!!
- 110 pounds (healthy diet, exercise) (erm, and restricting like a mofo)
- Be the best student I know how to be in school so that I can get the best opportunities I can.
- Make friends and be a better one to the friends that I do have (communication!)
- Life balance (as in all of the above and do it with grace and in good spirits, know my limits, know when to say no, know what is important...)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I'm not sure what it is yet but I feel change. I can feel it in me
that I need to take a step in a different direction otherwise a step
will be taken for me and I'm not gonna like it. Today is just one of
those days, I got out of bed wanting to give in to illustrious pull
but life must go on. I've got a room to tidy and classes to attend.
And on top of all that tidying and smartening business there were the
numbers that killed me a little inside this morning. 123.5 that would
be 3.5 lbs up from y'day and 4.5 from a few days ago. No bueno.
I've been eating too much. Is it the weather that has me feeling blue?
The lack of cleanliness? I've got mountains of laundry and stacks of
miscellaneous stuff encroaching on everywhere I turn and it wears on
me draws me into myself.
My brain is a mess. Mid-terms are finally over (2-B's, 1-C. I suck
these are not A's and that's just not acceptable. Must work harder)
and things with TheElectrician are...I dunno how they are. I like
hanging with him but romantically or sexually-notsomuch.
We went out the other night and ended up at his place....yah. It
sucked. I wasn't into it and ladies you know how it can be when you're
not into it. And he's huge. Like ripped me up and hurt huge. I didn't
even bleed that much when I lost the V-card. I hate the position that
I'm in with the whole thing. I'm annoyed with myself because I wonder
if I just lost the ability to get turned on. I embarrassed that I
sucked so much cuz I was so NOT into it. I hate myself for said
feelings and that I do actually still want him to really want me even
though I know I don't want him. Daddy complex? Likely. I just hate the
My cousin (whom I'm not close to at all) got married on Saturday. She
is stunning. Really. The wedding was nice and was fun. I ate too much.
I drank too much. Not to the point of bingeing or purging (voluntarily
or otherwise...) but still, I'm not thrilled about it. And the fatty-
overeating momentum has carried on and it must be stopped. I need to
fast or something. Maybe a liquid one (yeah, Ima do my own little
modified hybrid of a fast, I can't be without glucose completely).
My mom thinks I look great. She told me that I looked very 'fragile'
and 'thin' at the wedding, 'bony' even. That, of course was bitter
sweet, while these are the exact words that I long and love to be
associated with it doesn't make losing another 10 lbs (or more...)
easy for me if people are gonna try and make comments. I hate
comments. My mom doesn't think that I have any place to even lose 10
lbs ('you're tiny')...blah, blah, blah. It's because I'm small up top
and the majority of my weight is carried in my hips and thighs. Trust,
I could lose 10 more and not be an emaciated, stick figure. 'Actress
thin' is where I want to be.
^^^that was earlier today, I don't remember what I wrote and I don't
feel like reading it so. Ya
Today was a depressed day for me. I didn't get enough sleep last
night. I ate too much y'day. I sucked at my softball game (okay, let's
face it that's not really all that unusual). I was tired and clumsy
I feel so unloved.
The weird girl that nobody wants to be friends with.
I feel out of sorts like everything is falling apart.
It's as though I was dreaming a dream were my life was taking a turn
for the better and I'm grudgingly waking from it, I'm trying to ignore
the sound of the alarm clock but it's sound is growing haunting the
shadows of this dream I am clinging onto...
Sent from my iPhone.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I'm clearly not underweight, I have fat (too much fat). Upon looking it up, I'm thinking it might be the calcium and fat thing, well, I started (just recently) eating VeggieSlice Cheese which has calcium 20% of daily need as far as the package says and I'm at about 16-19% fat in my diet-all healthy...it's just calories I think. I'm sure the bitch (Aunt Flo) will let loose in October. We shall see.
I started thinking I need to raise the cals, just for this week! And I'm like freaking out about eating. I'm terrified to eat anymore today. After these Veggies right now, I'm calling food quits for the day. My brow is all wrinkley just thinking about it. YUCK! Food is thyne enemy! Or something.
Ya wanna know what else fur-eeked me out? No? Too bad! Muahahaha!! I was looking on the back of said cheese package and the calories are 40 and not 35 like I thought, like my phone thought. I think I got the wrong-ish shit! Because I remember seeing 35 when I bought it last. Oh you better believe I'm gonna be scrutinizing over this next time I shop! So irritated with myself that I didn't make sure. Lesson learned.
TheElectrician wanted to take me out tonight, after talking to me he left it up to me since it was clear that I am Stressed the Fuck Out(!) and Grumpy as Shit. He's so sweet, he tell me to go outside and get some sunshine and breathe and I need a break and all that. He's totally right, of course. I do want to hang out with him but it just makes me all anxious at the same time AND, more importantly, did I mention I am Grumpy as Shit? Yeah. It's just wrong to subject society to these vibrations of the non-happy nature.
Screw You Humanities Mid-Term! Except I'm devoting all my time to you nonetheless. You are like ED to me in that way.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Good one Flushed.
The food I consume is healthy. Wasa crackers, gum and [arguably] coffee is about the extent of my "junk food" and I'm irritated with myself when if I get to 700 cals in a day. Ummm...hilloo, I used to eat how many calories of pure junkity junk going straight to my trunk despite my hovering over porcelain willing the food to defy gravity (and natures "digestion" process-which is just ridiculous if you ask me) with the reinforcements of my beckoning fingers?
Uh-huh. So I'm freaking about what exactly? I'm supposed to be proud of myself. I'm getting good grades, I'm losing weight the "healthy" way (well, should you look the other way when it comes to calorie counts and obsessish behavior about food) and I'm...like...doing good or something. Be happy Flushed you idiot!
Despite how "good" I'm doing I still see soooo much room for improvement. I need to exercise more. I need to get 100%. I need to lose more weight. I need to be smaller. I need to be prettier. I need to be more...this that and the other -oh and some of that over there too....and what's that right there next to that? Yeah, more of that, less of that to the left.
Dear The Perfectionist that is invading Flusheds' mind,
Get the hell out! kthanx,
Know what am sayin'?!
In other news. While having a glass of wine last night (yup-VeggieSlice Cheese on Wasa Cracker and Wine is how I did post Math Exam and Pre-Humanities-Midterm on Monday. I highly recommend it. I'm a Wino) with my mom and we actually had a really good talk.
Background: My mom is very unaware of the way that she says things, like with tone, facial expressions, body language, which syllables you drag out and all that. The wheels in her brain are always turning and sometimes interfere with said ways that she's unaware of. Also...
So the other night she was telling me she called my Aunt Neg because she though my aunt left a voicemail so she called and my aunts response was: What?No. Idoen even remEMberr the last time I left you a voicemail.
My mom was saying it wasn't so much what she said but the way she said it. So my reply was: you see? Do you see how even though you know someone and how they are, what their intentions are that words can still hurt by the way that they are said? You can't help the way that they affect you, you're feelings are not something you can necessarily control. I know she was irritated by this, she started back pedaling a bit to justify/clarify/whatever what she said. I nodded and went back to my room with the cup of water that I had originally gone out for. (no hard feelings)
Well, when I said them I had my mom and I in mind and told her so. My mom and I have a great relationship but a big problem with us is the way things are said. And she got it! She didn't get defensive like she normally does (b/c it frustrates her that she always comes off wrong-nobody likes their insecurities on blast...) and the entire night went as smoothly...it was nice.
Conclusion: Wine does a body good. (Oh yeah and I'm back to 121.5 despite y'days 123.5!)
(No BM in a few tho which is No Bueno.)
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I'm exhausted and I can't sleep. I feel like I've been sleeping with
my eyes open. They hurt and they just want to be closed but the day is
upon us and today, like yesterday, like tomorrow, there is much to do.
So much to do. So little time. Less and LESS energy.
I was happy that the number on the scale was going down but then my
body wants to sabotage this goodness with insatiable hunger, added
stress and disturbed sleep. Thanx body, eff you very much.
My car keeps going out of juice and likely the cause is that I need to
clean the battery, oh yeah, and there's the rest of the car that needs
some TLC as well.
Unemployment is supposed to be calling me today, like right now-today
to interview me and make sure that going to school isn't going to
interfere with my getting a job. Just send me checks ayholes! I worked
full-time for 5 years and two of those years I was going to school
full-time too! Help a girl out!! I'm gonna be something someday, so
stop stressin meout!!
In math there's Exam #2 that I will be taking. I'm not sure how that's
gonna go. I want an A. I want 100%. We'll see. I'll study for that
after Socio. (*fingers crossed*)
Tomorrow I need to work on designing my aunts reunion flyer which I
haven't started yet. Hopefully she likes whatever I come up with, I'm
not sure if she's just not pleased with me, her e-mails are very short-
curt almost. But then again, bitchy pessimism may just be her way. She
carries this black rainy cloud and gloomy weather with her all the
time and complains just to complain. When you try and flip it to
something positive she just can't see it. I feel bad for her. I'm
afraid to become like her. She's a perfectionist, caring more of what
others see of her than what she sees in herself even if it means being
miserable just so that she will succeed, failure is not an option. It
scares me. She's my reverse role model in a lot of said ways. I digress.
I also have to study for my mid-term in Humanities that is on Monday
(thank gawd he moved it back!). It's gonna be a difficult exam as this
is my weakest subject. I'm nit thrilled about this. I want an A but
will settle for a B. Shoot for the moon and end up amonst the stars?
Let's hope so.
I'm trying to be positive. I want to be positive and energetic and
smiley and on top of things but that ish is hard sometimes! When life
hands me lemons sometimes there's just not enough Splenda sweeten it up!
Wow. I feel like I haven't laid out my thoughts (via blog) and I feel
a bit better already...well, I'm not really hungry, so it's a step in
the right direction! Sometimes I forget about the simpler things, the
little tips and trix that help me feel better and chip away at the
stress that I pack upon my shoulders. This blog is one of them.
Sent from my iPhone.