Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I will not be defeated.

My moms ways are irritating the shit out of me.  In the department of organization this woman is not even in the ballpark, she is not even on the same planet the ballpark in on.  She is in the habit of just putting something somewhere so it's not here, a drawer, cupboard, box in a corner...whatever just not here where it is out in the open and messy.

But this little Pomegranate rolled away from the Apple Tree.

I want a place for it. I will keep it out until you absolutely make me put in somewhere I will feel all icky and discombobulated on the inside because I was forced to put in a place that I know it does not belong; everything needs a place.  It's what we call organization, it creates order and makes things easier and it's just Fucking Nice, I can breathe, relax- no kinks is my brain.  You know that feeling where everything is just settling into place, it begins with the little things.

                                           Need a computer thingy? BAM!
                        This bin.
                             Travel Stuff? POW!
                                                                                           To the right.
                                                  Need a battery? BOOM!
                                          That drawer.

What? It's not there? Well then, calm yourself Grasshopper, I don't have it.  No need to turn the house inside out and upside down.


Learn it.
Live it.
Love it.

But THIS WOMAN!  UUUUGGGH!  She loses, misplaces and forgets everything. And then. And then(!) she's complains to me about it!!  What Mom? You kidding, you lost your earring?! What do you mean?! Well it couldn't be in this or that pile of jewelry on the kitchen table, in any pile on any of the counters, in the TV room, in your bathroom, on your nightstand, in the bottom of your purse, a pocket...oh that's right it can.  WHAT?! This isn't the first time this has happen, you have lost several pieces of jewelry? Well, what about one of your 2,000 "safe place" that you put them that you don't remember? Oh. That's right. You don't remember.

And this always happens.  And yet, this scenario still surprises her somehow, she's genuinely baffled.  Which baffles me.  We're just one flustercated baffley family.

Anyhoodle.  I'm tired.  I got shit to do, this scene is tired and played out.  So let's fucking move right along, let's fix this shit.  Perhaps she might come up with a new habit, a ritual if you will.  No, she won't.   She's tried, it doesn't work to try and she's older and she's been like this for so long and she tried but it doesn't work.  Let's just keep doing the same thing, with the same outcome, and be baffled by it.


Le sigh, le sigh.

This whole, I'm older and I tried and it doesn't work.  Lame.  Just: Lame. Lameassness, if you will. (Or even if you won't.) (HAH!)  She's been complaining about different things and when I try and fix the situation (tired, played out scenes) this is her reply.

You can only change yourself.  If you continue to do the same things and getting the same sad results, guess what?  YOU'RE WAY ISN'T WORKING!!  YOU are doing this to YOURSELF!!  Change yourself. If you want things to change, observe and learn and CORRECT.  Correct what you can control.  You.

I'm not saying it's easy.  Sometimes we have setbacks, there are good/bad days and sometimes your gonna want to throw in the towel and maybe you do throw it.  Guess what, you failed yourself.  But failure is not inevitable and it's certainly not forever, persist, give it another go, pick up that damn towel again or learn to love the outcome of these tired scenes and stop bitching about them all supryzzled, like there's a glitch in the fucking system.  The glitch is you! You are the glitch. If at first you don't succeed try, try, try again!

Unless you know magic.  And if you are all powerful and magical, then your one Happy Duck and don't have any problems and you should call me so you can fix mine.  I'll put in a good word for you on my blog.

You know want a mention.

I digress.

I am basically yelling at myself.  (But it feels better when we blame others, no?)

I felt sad and irritated at my moms words because they are admitting defeat.  She saying fuck it, this is just how I am.

How. I. Am.

That may be, but if you are not happy with this then I don't believe that this is Who You Are.  It is a persons character that is who they are and my "character" is not bulimia or an eating disorder.  My character is the will, the want, the determination to fight it (erm, it was side a effect of another want--it's like a damn drug commercial where the side effects are sometimes worse than the benefits!).  

Bulimia. I want a divorce.

You are never going to change, your promises are bullshit and you will never be good for me.

And no make up sex. Stop trying to seduce me.  I'm getting a vibrator.

Wait. Where was I going with this analogy?

Oh. It ended? Before that last senten.....


I will not be defeated.  Human beings are ever changing and ever evolving and the last time I checked I'm one of them.  You only lose when you quit.

And I'm a Champagne!
Champion? Freudian slip?
Fukit, CHAMPAGNE! Let's pop the bubbly and toast! (It doesn't really matter what you toast to as long as there delishus champagne to drink! I don't care if it was $5, tastes golden to me! :)

P.S. (if anybody even makes it this far into the post! I ain't even gonna proofread this ish) ALL of you are so, so wonderful and your comments are so uplifting and wise. Thank you.

"...remember that square 1 is an abstract concept in your head and you dont actually have to let this one time rule what follows."  ~Lulu I love this.  These words were so wise and really struck a chord in me. Thank you.

"wars weren't won in a day, you can lose battles, but stick to it, keep your head high, tell your self that u got it, and you will NOT fail."  ~*Princess*Smile* more wise words, simple and true.  Thank you.


  1. yay cheap champagne is always the best :)
    got to love an anoyying habit! your lucky my mums annoying habit is
    'pointing out other peoples annoying habits' sitting their moaning and everyone; acting like her shit don't skint! good old mums :)

  2. Anonymous27.10.09

    MADE IT.

    that was an epic post and i'm so glad you and bulimia are finally making it official.
    You're much to good for bulimia.
    It doesnt deserve you.
    There's plenty more fish in the sea.
    i hope you take bulimia to the cleaners.


  3. i loved this rambly post see im very messy but i dno know where everthing is on the floor lol put my jacket down for 2 seconds in the rest of the house mum has put it in some cupboard promtly forgets which cupboard grr have to find jacket again

    "bulmia i want a divorce" made me laugh oddly i was just reading something earlier than said an eating disorder is like an abusive partner your to dependent on to get away from


  4. Anonymous27.10.09

    moms ..

    they always find a way to bother.

    my problem is CLEANING. I might not be as organized as you apparently are, but i am a clean freak. it has to be a certain way .. and when someone doesn't clean to my standards, i freeeak out.
    i can understand your little vent on organization :)


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