Sunday, January 31, 2010
It's times like this that really force me to see what's going on inside the mass within my skull and lemme tell ya, it does go much further than eating disorder and daily activities like not wanting to get on the scale every morning but doing it anyway and frowning at the stupid numbers on the stupid scale that may as well just read: TOO MUCH, STOP EATING.
Oh! How about I write about hibernating at home because I feel guilty for every single calorie I ate that day and feeling all bloated because I'm constipated all the effing time and not even my poopie tea is working effectively so I take laxies instead and forgot about it until we were walking into the OC swapmeet with my cousin and aunt that is 40 minutes away from home and have to take off to the bathroom because my digestive track feels like a football team is doing the river dance on it. 8 million curtesy flushes an a playlist on my iPhone later, I was empty but couldn't really eat anything the rest of the day in fear it would just whoosh right through me like a Jamaican bobsled and ending with a bang.
I'm so glam.
Overshare anybody? You're welcome.
This is the kind of shit that I come up with when I am trying to think about an event, activity, place/moment that was dramatic, significant, meaningful or positive in my life? Welcome to my "creative procrastination process,"although I've never been formally tested I'm pretty sure my IQ level is up there with best of them, rocks, Bush, dirt... there I am: Flushed, in all my pooping, puking, poochy glory.
My essay is gonna be a winner for sure, you can feel it right? (Lie to me good.)
Sweet jeezus, I better just pack my bags and head on over to Crazytown because this is where essays drive me. The good news is all I have to turn in is the outline. The bad news is that I don't have a topic and my "technique" is more like scrambling and rambling until the wheeeeee hours of the morning and hoping for the best. I don't really know how to write structurally.
I don't have anything meaningful to say?! Thesis topics, shmeesis blopics. I'm pretty sure "essay" translates in Swahili as "brain rape."
In other news, I weighed in at 119 pounds this morning so this kind of eases my mind a bit, 117-119 is where I've been at for months (ugh.) I knew that I couldn't have really gained any substantial weight, I haven't been eating out of control or anything and my clothes are still fitting (albeit, uncomfortably around the middle). I wasn't too bad in the eating department the past couple of days (la, la, la. Mimosa's have no calories. La, la, la.) I feel like I've eaten like a moo cow but when I look at the calories, it's not really that devastating. I'm gonna be better this week :)
I went to the swapmeet today and it was magbifiscent. I got my hair
cut and a lit of stuff (I typically don't spend much...if anything) (I
may even havve sone Closet Jew in me) (what? Stereotypes are fun! This
spoken by a chili and hot sauce lovin ["white washed"] Mexican) my
aunt even bought me a purse that was all kinds of cuteness (in lieu of
some boots that didn't fit as a Christmas gift).
Exciting Time for a relatively Thtifty Material Girl.
And then I overate when I got home.
And then I pushed myself to get ready and go to the engagement party
of a couple I okay softball with. I had a good time.
And now I'm home again and trying my damnedest to NOT go into the
kitchen and binge and purge.
I'm really really thinking about it and my thoughts are powerful which
There is some crazy kind of Siamese fork in the road and life is
forcing ke to choose a road. I had to choose tonight between goin to
the softball friends engagement party to hang out with people that is
new. Hang out with my friends who are dear to me and don't see very
often but keep communication with via text. Or sit home alone.
Obvy I chose new. I usually do pick new, I like new and different. I
once read somewhere that a child develops their main personality (that
they're going to have for life) when they are 6 years old. And when I
was 6, I moved, went to a new school where I had a fresh start. I
think this factors into my whole runawayandeverythingwillbebetter
(But really, who knows? It's just theories floating around Ae wannabe
Anywho, the party was cool. They didn't think I would show up, half
the people took a minute to recognize me a liitle spruced up and outta
my sloppy softball attire, I was still pretty shy and quiet lie I am
I just don't fair well in social situations, I was never taught or
led, by example, of this type of behavior-all o got is self-conscious
and uncomfortableness. (thanks Mom. I love but you kinda fumed me in
this arena,). I try not to be, I try to primp myself up to feel good
before I go (which does help) and peptalk myself up.
I'm really bad at idle conversation and thus am hesitant to even
initiate it. I'll try and keep it up but it's usually the other
person who starts it up and ends it (or I end up talking to this
person all night).
I just got hone and have an intense urge to binge (and purge).
I ask mysel this over and over. What I keep going back to is that I
wasn't my true self (as in not true to my spirit and holding back) and
the severe contrast of being around people and then being completely
I am so lonely. I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't so alone and
lonely so much. I feel all sad and the fact that my house and
especially my room is not clean and organized only makes it worst, I
feel like my life is a mess, full of disorder and a lack of control.
It's really not that dramatic but the feeling inside of me feels like
it is this way.
I'm fighting the feeling of bingeing and thus the dreaded purge. I've
already eaten mote than i'd like today. I hate this feeling in me.
It's an emptiness that I want distract myself from with gorging myself
full of salty and crunchy food and I hate it.
I want to be 105 pounds. I know weight doesn't solve everything;
neither does money but it does make some things better.
I don't know.
I don't know what the he'll I'm talking avout.
But there is one thing that I know for sure: Champagne is what dreams
are made of.
Just go to sleep, Flushed and dream magical dreams...
Sent from my iPhone.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
- Almonds (~12)
- Pure Protein Bar
- Roasted Peanuts and some Peanut M&Ms (I NEVER eat this type of food)
- 1 Naan bread (These things are TERRIBLE, again, NEVER eat these)
- Eggwhites (100c)
- Large Apple
- Almonds (8)
- Starbucks Dark Cherry Parfait
- Baked Sweet Potato
- Baked Eggplant
- Eggwhites (100c)
- Pumpkin (280c)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I am a self professed breadaholic, however when you couple that with bulimia...Bad News Bears yall. In my efforts to sans the purge I pretty much stay away from the stuff at all costs (some like chocolate...I likes the bread). Or, at least, keep it out of the house and consider it a treat when I'm cornered into going out to dinner.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tomorrow I have to go to court for my Unemployment Appeal that I
thought was resolved 2 months ago, talk about stress. It's going to be
a formal setting, right hand on the bible whole truth, state my case,
submit evidence and all that jazz. I also have to turn in the
autobiography and chapter exercises that I still need to work on and
I can't even think right now. I don't want tomorrow to come, I want to
hide under the covers and camp out there until a better day comes to
take me away.
My brain is exhausted. I get very little rest. I don't know why. I
go to bed late, wake up a couple times a night and end up getting up
around 8 because I just can't sleep. Around 4 o'clock I feel this way
too but I force myself back to sleep...maybe read a few blogs if sleep
And then there is being constipated despite all the overeating that
I've done. The scale is hating me. My body is hating me. There
needs to be a shift in mind again so I can lose again.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired of keeping down all this food I eat, though
I continue to do so. I have a knot in my neck. My room looks like a
tornado brought his friends over for a wild party while it's parents
were away. I'm not even sure if I have a pair of clean jeans for
I e-mailed the invitation design for my cousins girlfriends baby
shower and I'm waiting on the verdict... I'm terribly afraid that they
aren't going to like it.
I'm tired, did I mention that already?
I just want to have a peaceful sleep, dream wonderful dreams and wake
up bright early and everything be okay. BETTER THAN OKAY I want
everything to be better than I can even imagine tomorrow. Unicorns and
Sent from my iPhone.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I've sat on my ass ALL weekend and ate and tried to do homework (thinking about doing it is trying in my book) and when I would try to start it, I was and continue to be completely blank. Priority one would be writing an autobiography and read & do the exercises in chapter two of our text book. The reading I actually don't have a problem with but the exercises and the autobiography?
Blinking cursor anybody?
The class is a guidance career class that really focuses on finding out who we are, the books is interesting and motivating it talks about positive attitude and how it correlates with success and things of that nature, which I'm sure many of you realize at this point that it's right up my alley. But the exercises are so personal and I get embarrassed to write the answers. Whatever the phobia is for intense fear of judgement I'm pretty sure I have it.
But that still doesn't help me write an autobiography. In my English class we read an article on writing a shitty first draft, basically, write a shitty first draft to get everything out of your system without regard to judgements or anything because your eyes are the only ones that will read it and, in theory, somewhere in this draft will be a diamond in the rough that you can polish into a gem of a paper and marry it or something.
Remember that intensefearofjudgementphobia I was telling you about? I can't even bring MYSELF to read my own writings and ramblings because, I dunno, I sound like a dumbass most of the time (well, you know this, you read my blog!), it's nonsensical and elementary or at least that's what I imagine it to be because I can't even bring myself to read most of it.
I suppose the theme of this semester is fear-facing since I'm taking both, an english course and this guidance course...oh yeah, and psychology to wrap up 'finding ones self' with a pretty little bow. If I make it through this semester alive and decent gradeworthy I will be Flushed version 3.0- smart as a whip, witty as a whistle, charismatic, confident and a new sleek & thin design!!
Let's all hope.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
All this week I just keep eating. Food is the enemy and enemy got ahold of me.
This is not how you lose 12 pounds. I've got to change but I don't want to do it in such a way that will:
- Cost me lots of money.
- Be inconvenient.
- Be unhealthy.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
That's right, I am whole again and upgraded and graduated, I even got to keep my same number. The girl that helped us at ATT was super nice and helpful despite the fact that it was near closing time by the time she was helping us. (cheers to the good samaritans that pop up in my life, may there be many more!) (LUuuuuuuuuv the good samaritans!!)
I know I complain a lot about my mom on this bloggity blog but she really is wonderful.
(And I'm a bratty only child and I gots ta vent yall! It's my daughterly duty, I'm convinced.)
(Well, I convinced myself.)
Anyway, I was really trying to just fix my little phone drama and not have to involve my mom so that I wouldn't inconvenience her because, hello, I was the dumbass that lost her iPhone and thus must suffer the consequence and expenses. But I'm on her plan (it's cheaper) so I would have to do it all online. And do you know what this wonder person said?
"Just let me know when you need me."
It's crazy that everybody* in Vegas was so sad for me that I lost my phone. What sweethearts, right? (They also know how attached I am to mu-bay-beh) My mom was saying the other night that one of the other girls that went to Vegas was saying how well I took the whole thing, that I didn't let it bring me down and was still staying positive and bringing light to the situation.
My point in blogging this is that it's a change in me. I wasn't always this way, there was a time when I would let it ruined everything. In the past I don't know how long I've really tried to be a more positive person and it's a really hard thing to change but the longer you work at it the easier it gets. This weekend was proof of that, a test of sorts (I'd give myself a B). It's proof that I am making progress. Progress is motivating me to continue on this road to the land of optimism. The ability to let the past be and look towards the future is priceless.
In other news, I didn't eat bad this weekend (Remember alcohol has no calories!) (Denial. I like it.) but when I got home and spent the night alone and in the dark (power out) and cut off from all of civilization (iPhone) I did binge. It was terrible and I have no idea how many calories but it wasn't all crazy like, it was just Too Much. I took laxies (tsk-tsk) but in my defense I was a little constipated. And today I weighed in at 117.5 pounds which is about normal these days.
stop purging. My period has yet to return (and should it come back, will not be greeted with open arms).
I'm not counting Saturday night when I was Near Death (I'm ashamed and embarrassed of this) and Shoving my fingers down my throat to get the alcohol out of me. There wasn't any food in me anyway which is what got me so shit-faced in the first place. My brain had checked out at that point anyway so it wasn't even A Decision, just instinct or something. I woke up with a thousand apologies and thank you's (for taking care of muh-self induced [but not on purpose] alcohol poisoned ass) and put a happy face on to a new day.
Y'know how I was saying we got a limo? We walked out the wrong door and asked if cabs come through this way and this limo driver said that he would take us for $30 cuz he knows 6 of us would have to take 2 cabs.
Here's a little snippet of my mom.
Mom: Driver, what's your name?
Mom: Thanx Driver!
My family is funny like this, it wasn't a joke it was pure ditziness, though my mom is smart, she just says things sometime that are like ...??.
*Btw, it was my mom's best friends daughter whose 21st birthday it was. She actually wanted to go to Vegas with us all (my mom, my 2 aunts, her mom and mom's friend and b-day girl brought a friend) (oh yeah, and me. I played softball with b-day girl and friend for a couple season this past year) They are old but young (think OC housewives (and we live close to OC so this totally fits) but more realistic and more maybe pg-13 as in not trying to get naked ~ somewhere in between Vicki and Jeana...it frightens me to think of how they would be if they looked like Tamra or Gretchen though!)
Best. Mom. EVER!
Hypothetically (or real-letically?), how would your parent(s) handle the situation? How would YOU handle the situation? (whether it be with the phone and/or the Drunken Debacle) Have you gone through some sort of life test and realized that all your effort in changing your attitude (or whatever) has more or less paid off?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Things I learned this weekend.
- Taxi drivers are not as helpful after they find out that you've puked in their cab.
- It cost $40 more for said puke.
- A person near death from alcohol poisoning will not eat a banana.
- Logic is not applicable when severely panicky and frustrated over a lost iPhone.
- The Apple Store will let you use their iPhones and internet. They open at 10 on Sundays but are there at 8:30 doing inventory and cleaning.
- Losing phones is contagious. (3 stories. 2 good samaritans (<--I like this word.) and 1 lost iPhone. Sad face.)
- Casinos will not use their security cams for an iPhone, even if you carefully explain how it is a part of your soul and later threaten to sue for shortening your life span. They are immune to quivering lips, puppy dog eyes and the like.
- Apples and raw almonds do not qualify as "real food" to people I know.
- Penny Poker is the Bees Knees when you wanna make $5 last and get a little tipsy.
- Proud sponsors of cuteness: Kohl's, Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe.
- Boa's are fun.
- Black boa's cause black pits and neck. (all of which will not be found out until the morning.)
- Yelling out of a car window "You have a nice rack!" will get you the finger, as in the bird, not laid and lucky. Sorry buddy, you failed suave 101.
- Just because they make it in your size, doesn't make it right.
- Good samaritans do exist but a bad one has my iPhone.
- Limo drivers will offer their services in lieu of cab for 6 lovely ladies (one wearing a Birthday Girl crown).
- Nobody cards you from the day you turn 21 and thereon out. (Sorry Sam)
- Losing your iPhone is more expensive and inconvenient than losing your purse.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Today is day 31 of not purging!! I survived the holidays (mostly, Thanksgiving notsomuch) and when filled to the brim and presented with the opportunity to fail or proceed, I chose to proceed! I have stumble but I have not fallen. I will succeed. In everything that I set my mind to I will succeed.
I set the Wii bowling record, I can do anything.
Things are going to go my way because I'm going to put my attentions and effort towards my goals.
I walked under a ladder once.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Until then it's baby steps for me!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Hmmm... on wii... Maybe...
a.) May.Be. They let me win.
b.) May.Be. I rock.
c.) May.Be. I have beginners luck.
But any which way you spin it, I walked outta there a champ!
Who the champ?
Me the champ.
(Also, there MAY or may not have been alcohol involved.)
WARNING: Rant! I'm not even sure it will make sense.
(...oh wait-not making sense really isn't anything new and different to this blog now, is it?)
Whatevs. I shall rant on.
In other (uninteresting) news: I've accomplished nothing today unless you count catching up on this latest craze of Jersey Shore that has been sweeping the nation. Wow. Maybe I'm just getting old but what a waste of time the show was... actually, what is it with this TrainWreck Television? It use to be just Jerry Springer but now it's everywhere. All these reality shows that show people at their absolute worst, really America? That's what the demand is? This is what you want to watch? And the people on these shows, I can't understand why one would subject themselves to these reality shows that are pretty much aimed at hoping to capture people at their worst moments. Are you really that starved for attention?
They keep making these shows because obvy, there is a high demand for them. Why? Does watching these people make us feel better about ourself? Justify our own embarrassing moments and making them seem so little and obscure? Probably. But at the same time isn't that making it seem sort of okay? We can laugh about and say, "oh yeah, it was terrible--remember the [insert trashy reality show here] when [insert crazy/embarrassing/dramatic moment here]--yeah, that was totally me! Hahaha!" Or something. It's changing the standards of our behavior and social norms. We now have a standard for what fun is, fun is wild, crazy nights getting drunk and making Bad Decisions.
We think we had a fun night, a crazy night, a [insert superlative here] night and then we reference our oh-so-loved reality shows and compare. Well, it wasn't that crazy. Tonight we'll take it further, like the reality show and then look back and say I was wild and crazy because, well, I'm pretty tamed when I compare myself to the "real" people on TV.
And then there will be more and more shocking footage as more and more people on more and more reality shows have more and more shocking footage and more and more people will be doing, to be edgy, to get that attention.
I will be the wildest party girl.
I will be the most bulimic bulimic.
Our society that loves competition and being the best of the best or the worst of the worst and let's face it, it's easier to be the best at being the worst-the most contraversial.
And the "regular" people continually compare themselves with the black (that's getting blacker) and the white (that's getting whiter), the high and lows-the standard.
(And we wonder why our economy is flailing about? People want to live like what they see on TV! Standards are no longer Leave it to Beaver and The Brady Bunch...MTV Cribs! The Real World! Whatever is stratigically promoted in music/music videos!)
(Live for today! Be Fabulous! Charge it! Worry about the bills....later, they only ask for $50 of that $2,000 this month, don't they?)
Does seeing the 650 pound++ PEOPLE (as in more than one or a few...) on TV not raise the standard of what we think is humongous? Obese? The 170 or 350 pounder feels much better about themselves once they see that they can go up and down the stairs-they aren't that bad, they are a "healthy" 350 pounds. Lie. Keep watching. Keep feeling better about yourself Mr or Mrs Obese, if you ever get that bad you can just get Gastric Bypass!
Does seeing the skinny (and getting skinnier) actressES on TV are normal, right? That's the majority, ALL these stars are "normal" and "healthy," they are not like Lindsey Lohan or Nichole Richie or any of those other anorexic and emaciated looking celebrities that are plaster all over the magazines COVERS EVERY TIME you go to the store or turn on the tv--they look normal, all the actresses are like that--but those ones have gone too far. The others just "diet," right? Normal.
Some people accept and others strive. Some of us yearn to be what we see in the media and others use it as a tool of justification to make ourselves feel better. The difference? Standards.
My mom has a damn radar for flaws, she's a problem solvers so this is what she seeks. She sees me and says I'm "skinny," "all bony" and I "look great!" but if I point out, these shorts don't look right because my legs are too fat...she'd probably agree that I need to try on some different shorts. I take this as, "I'm fat!" because I've seen these shorts look amazing on girls on tv/mags and if I lose weight they will look better. My mom will say, that's just your body, "you look great, you have such a cute, tiny figure and the shorts are just wrong."
A mothers eyes. Her daughter is beautiful. She has seen her daughter at a high and now (again) at her low. Her daughter is thinner than her cousins and nobody would describe her daughter fat. She is normal, skinny compared to the high and family.
But when she see her daughter-her dieting daughter, her daughter who throws up her food when she eats too much and thinks that she is fat and ugly when she "looks great"- she doesn't realize that she is not only looking at a version of herself mirrored but also of society.
I am a product of society, it's true, but just because "this is our culture" and this is what is "normal" doesn't necessarily mean that it is right or that I agree with it. The media is doing so much more harm than good.
From what I see, my mother provided the hunger for this perfection that I seek but society provided the standard.
I am the product of my environment ~ my mother, society, the media, everything that I see, I hear....I come into contact with and take in ~ this is where I set my standards, where I see my black and white, justifying my grey.
(My mom did teach me about money & debt though-thank gawd! ...well, the hard way for her, but in the end, she led by example, I learned, I followed and that's what matters!)
(did not proof read. I added pictures instead...)
Friday, January 1, 2010
Have I ever told you that I love you!! Non-creepily, of course.
...Why does that sound so familiar...whatever I'll say it again!
I [non-creepily] love you!!!
ED - 0, Flushed - 1.
My friend (yes, friend, I just don't have any close ones) said that she was gonna have people over but turned out she wasn't much in the mood for celebrating (her mom died just this month) so I spent the evening at home with the TV and testing out my new gadget I got for christmas. It really wasn't that bad as long as I kept my thoughts on it being just another night.
ED - 0, Flushed - 2.
(Wait- you know that was all sarcasm right? I was trying to be funny. Fun-ceited?)
I thought back while perusing my contacts, all the numbers that are no longer in use. It was me being a flake. Being uncomfortable in my skin-my fat skin-and declining invitations. I have shut anybody out who has tried to befriend me because I'm afraid of calories. (Is there a phobia for that?)
I don't have anything to wear ~> I don't go shopping because I hate looking in the mirror and seeing clothes not fit me the way I want them too, in the size that I want them to.
I'm on a budget ~> Pretty much goes to the last excuse and also the calories that come with drinking/eating.
I'm tired ~> Hah! Never too tired to party! (If I'm feeling cute and confident, that is.)
I have homework to do ~> Really? I can't spare an hour for fun? No, no I'm much to busy staring at a blinking and unmoving cursor, reading blogs and flipping through the television...glancing at my books and headed for the kitchen...
This eating disorder sucks all the energy of me, I'm so busy being anxious about food and calories and how my body is all wrong.
I really thought that it was stress before, okay-yes, it is stress but I really think my super high sodium intake plays a major role because after I see it getting worse I STRESS DOUBLY MORE!! It's ridic.
It's exciting but it's also a struggle, it's like every step you take you never know when the ground will falter and you will stumble to one. I mean, you do and you don't. I went 76 days and fell and it was so hard to get the momentum back again, it was work and I had to persist and every time I purged, I had to try and let it go and look forward and it was hard but now I'm on day 23 and the holidays are over.
It's empowering to think that I made it through the Christmas treats, that I didn't have to eat 5 slices of pie, 12 cookies and then damn it all to hell and go for the choco cake and the dip and the other pie...I enjoyed my splurges and I let it go and stopped. Unlike the greedy bastard that Mia turns me into. I even went an entire weekend away and survived it swimmingly and then a week of anxiety about one night alone and I conquered that ish too.