Sunday, January 31, 2010

Shitty Essays

So here we go again with the essays and procrastinating.  Tomorrow I have an outline for an essay due and I have nothing written, typed or...or thought.  When I was younger I would complain that they always give me boring topics, I want to write what I want to write about, now I complain because they tell me I can basically write about anything I want to write about and I got nothing but performance anxiety.

It's times like this that really force me to see what's going on inside the mass within my skull and lemme tell ya, it does go much further than eating disorder and daily activities like not wanting to get on the scale every morning but doing it anyway and frowning at the stupid numbers on the stupid scale that may as well just read: TOO MUCH, STOP EATING.

Oh!  How about I write about hibernating at home because I feel guilty for every single calorie I ate that day and feeling all bloated because I'm constipated all the effing time and not even my poopie tea is working effectively so I take laxies instead and forgot about it until we were walking into the OC swapmeet with my cousin and aunt that is 40 minutes away from home and have to take off to the bathroom because my digestive track feels like a football team is doing the river dance on it.  8 million curtesy flushes an a playlist on my iPhone later, I was empty but couldn't really eat anything the rest of the day in fear it would just whoosh right through me like a Jamaican bobsled and ending with a bang.

I'm so glam.

Overshare anybody?  You're welcome.

This is the kind of shit that I come up with when I am trying to think about an event, activity, place/moment that was dramatic, significant, meaningful or positive in my life?  Welcome to my "creative procrastination process,"although I've never been formally tested I'm pretty sure my IQ level is up there with best of them, rocks, Bush, dirt... there I am: Flushed, in all my pooping, puking, poochy glory.

My essay is gonna be a winner for sure, you can feel it right? (Lie to me good.)

Sweet jeezus, I better just pack my bags and head on over to Crazytown because this is where essays drive me.  The good news is all I have to turn in is the outline.  The bad news is that I don't have a topic and my "technique" is more like scrambling and rambling until the wheeeeee hours of the morning and hoping for the best.  I don't really know how to write structurally.

I don't have anything meaningful to say?! Thesis topics, shmeesis blopics.  I'm pretty sure "essay" translates in Swahili as "brain rape."

In other news, I weighed in at 119 pounds this morning so this kind of eases my mind a bit, 117-119 is where I've been at for months (ugh.)  I knew that I couldn't have really gained any substantial weight, I haven't been eating out of control or anything and my clothes are still fitting (albeit, uncomfortably around the middle).  I wasn't too bad in the eating department the past couple of days (la, la, la. Mimosa's have no calories. La, la, la.) I feel like I've eaten like a moo cow but when I look at the calories, it's not really that devastating.  I'm gonna be better this week :)


  1. I'm the same way with essays. When they give me a topic, it's boring and i can't write on it, but when they don't, i can't think of anything cuz i've got EVERYthing to choose from. Lol. Funny how we're never satisfied, huh?
    Lol. I love your overshares. They make me feel much less alone in my misery.
    I'm sure you're much smarter than dirt and bushes, dearest. You're a genius with words and i know your essay will show that.
    And once again you've managed to make me smile multiple times :) Love you, girl. Stay strong!

  2. Overdoing it with the lax's is NEVER a pretty scene.
    I did that about a week ago and the next day I was unable to eat anything.


(or e-mail: