Sunday, January 31, 2010

Double Edge Sword or no sword at all

Double Edge Sword or no sword at all

I went to the swapmeet today and it was magbifiscent. I got my hair
cut and a lit of stuff (I typically don't spend much...if anything) (I
may even havve sone Closet Jew in me) (what? Stereotypes are fun! This
spoken by a chili and hot sauce lovin ["white washed"] Mexican) my
aunt even bought me a purse that was all kinds of cuteness (in lieu of
some boots that didn't fit as a Christmas gift).

Exciting Time for a relatively Thtifty Material Girl.

And then I overate when I got home.

And then I pushed myself to get ready and go to the engagement party
of a couple I okay softball with. I had a good time.

And now I'm home again and trying my damnedest to NOT go into the
kitchen and binge and purge.

I'm really really thinking about it and my thoughts are powerful which
terrifies me.

There is some crazy kind of Siamese fork in the road and life is
forcing ke to choose a road. I had to choose tonight between goin to
the softball friends engagement party to hang out with people that is
new. Hang out with my friends who are dear to me and don't see very
often but keep communication with via text. Or sit home alone.

Obvy I chose new. I usually do pick new, I like new and different. I
once read somewhere that a child develops their main personality (that
they're going to have for life) when they are 6 years old. And when I
was 6, I moved, went to a new school where I had a fresh start. I
think this factors into my whole runawayandeverythingwillbebetter
mentality.

(But really, who knows? It's just theories floating around Ae wannabe
facts...)

Anywho, the party was cool. They didn't think I would show up, half
the people took a minute to recognize me a liitle spruced up and outta
my sloppy softball attire, I was still pretty shy and quiet lie I am
during softball.

I just don't fair well in social situations, I was never taught or
led, by example, of this type of behavior-all o got is self-conscious
and uncomfortableness. (thanks Mom. I love but you kinda fumed me in
this arena,). I try not to be, I try to primp myself up to feel good
before I go (which does help) and peptalk myself up.

I'm really bad at idle conversation and thus am hesitant to even
initiate it. I'll try and keep it up but it's usually the other
person who starts it up and ends it (or I end up talking to this
person all night).

I just got hone and have an intense urge to binge (and purge).

But why?

I ask mysel this over and over. What I keep going back to is that I
wasn't my true self (as in not true to my spirit and holding back) and
the severe contrast of being around people and then being completely
alone.

I am so lonely. I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't so alone and
lonely so much. I feel all sad and the fact that my house and
especially my room is not clean and organized only makes it worst, I
feel like my life is a mess, full of disorder and a lack of control.
It's really not that dramatic but the feeling inside of me feels like
it is this way.

I'm fighting the feeling of bingeing and thus the dreaded purge. I've
already eaten mote than i'd like today. I hate this feeling in me.
It's an emptiness that I want distract myself from with gorging myself
full of salty and crunchy food and I hate it.

I want to be 105 pounds. I know weight doesn't solve everything;
neither does money but it does make some things better.

I don't know.

I don't know what the he'll I'm talking avout.

But there is one thing that I know for sure: Champagne is what dreams
are made of.

Just go to sleep, Flushed and dream magical dreams...

Sent from my iPhone.

3 comments:

  1. I often find myself binging or doing my best to restrict from a binge after i get home from being with my friends. I think you're right: it's the loneliness that drives us to it.. But that doesn't help us to stop it... How do you think we can stop it? There has to be a way? We can't very well drag someone around with us at all times... or can we? Lol. Let's buy leashes and put our best friends on them. No, i'm just kidding... i think. Lol.
    Stay strong, beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're speaking my heart, here. When I've been around people, and then go home to only myself for company, suddenly food is the only "friend" I've supposedly got. Even as we are all alone, even surrounded by masses, loneliness is one of those concepts that we are most terrified of. It gives our Selves time and more time to think and mull and turn inward, spiral out of our control, until we feel so lost in ourselves, that we only want to bury ourselves in it. Or so it feels for me.

    I'm the same way, in that I wish I had friends. Then I think "But I do.." but I never want to go out when they want to, and suddenly I'm more alone than ever. I don't feel comfortable being around strangers because I don't know how to act or feel or think... how to be "impressive" and "entertaining" for them. It's hard, trying to be someone you think you want, when that isn't who you are.

    Or something like that, I guess.

    And yes, champagne is great.

    Only, drinking alone is not.

    With love,
    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  3. I too find social situations = binges = purges.

    Keep your chin up though, lover!

    I absolutey adore your blog.

    ReplyDelete

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