Saturday, January 23, 2010

Couch Tomato

All I have done today is eat, eat and eat some more.  It's disgusting.  There is so much to do, I have homework and cleaning and designing to do and I've hardly touched any of it.  My friend just text me asking what I'm going to do tonight and all I can think about is homework, cleaning, designing and, above all, the mountain of food that I've consumed.

All this week I just keep eating.  Food is the enemy and enemy got ahold of me.

This is not how you lose 12 pounds.  I've got to change but I don't want to do it in such a way that will:

  1. Cost me lots of money.
  2. Be inconvenient.
  3. Be unhealthy.
I haven't worked out in far too long.  I'm frustrated I'm not progressing towards my weight goals.  I'm not sure that I can say that I've really hit a plateau since I haven't really done anything that would result in weight loss.  I think I pretty much have maintaining 117-119 pounds down pat but, of course, it is no longer good enough.  Progress is where it's at!

My mom was watching TV last night and called me over to ask me if the girls on Say Yes To The Dress really looked like that or if it was our TV that made them look wide/ big.  I explained that it's a show with just regular people on it and yes, sometimes they are fat and yes, sometimes the dresses they choose do not flatter their [fat] bodies.  She went on in critiqueing the heavy girl wearing a strapless and how she really should get sleeves or something on her dress because the fat roll that's between the boob in the arm is Not Cute.  She was baffled that this girl would say that she felt like a princess in the dress.

We chatted a bit about different cuts of the dress and what looked good on certain people.  She was saying how when she sees said armpit roll that she puts on a jacket to cover up, furthermore, that I don't have that problem because I'm skinny and I look great.  She saw my face, the face that clearly says that I disagree with her.  She told me that if I want to tone up that's fine but if I truly think I need to lose weight that I need counseling.

Obviously, I do want to lose weight, I don't want to be shapely.  I don't really care much for the figure that I have or flat belly.  I'd prefer a concave stomach and an angular body.  Actress thin.  I really don't think I need counseling though, when I get to where I'm going then I'll reevaluate.  I take it as a good sign that I started seeing problems and was able to correct them (by eating more and tweaking my diet).  I guess there is the whole bulimia thing but as far as my body image, I think I have an average, fairly normal body but I strive for near perfection.  I want my body to be the best that it can be and I believe that I can get it to that point and sustain it.

Counseling? HELL NO! I WON'T GO!!

She wasn't all intervention style or anything, the conversation was dropped.  I guess I'm just sensitive to this kind of talk because it's my mother, I hear her talk about fat here and there and the next thing I know I'm in front of a mirror pinching at myself from every which way.  It's me, not her.

In other news, she made this veggie soup deliciousness for dinner last night.  She was so excited to be cooking something for me, it was cute.  She showed me what she put in it and what she intentionally kept out of it because she knows I won't eat it.  Some kind of bullion that's fat-free and vegan, all the veggies in the world, no corn, potatoes or noodles.  It was pure veggie goodness with extra nutrients because it was made with love. 

One of my New Years Resolution is to be more appreciative of my mom, as you have read in the last 2 post, she does a lot for me and I often take her for granted.  How can I treat the person that does the most for me the worst?  I've got to change.  I've got to be a better version of me.

I'm contradicting myself in this post aren't I?

Freewriting clears my mind.

Ya well, beats homework or cleaning...


  1. "I really don't think I need counseling though, when I get to where I'm going then I'll reevaluate"
    Classic text book denial lol...
    I agree, the fact that your actually making an effort proves your recovering..
    I've started to love seeing my new shrink, he's hilarious, and we dont always talk about me.. no, I havnt improved in terms of eating or body image but im happier though...

    So if LOVE contains nutrients... how many calories is it??

    & btw we posted @ the exact, to the minute, same time-just in case you wanted to know.
    im stopping now

  2. your mom is such a sweetie! But because she's related to you, there's always going to be that you're-too-close-I'm-pushing-you-away hostility, that everyone has, so don't beat yourself up too much.

  3. Absolutely must agree with Savory Sweet on the Mom front... it's like that for everyone, I'm 99.9% sure.

    As far as eating goes, maybe it's those vitamins and minerals you're body's craving? When I get that sweet tooth, it usually means I desperately need iron or calcium or something that's been neglected. Maybe for you too? Just a thought. Hopefully, this helps. Have a great day!

  4. I like your freewrites.

    Your mom sounds JUST like mine.


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