Saturday, January 9, 2010

Limbo

I want my blog to be great.  I want it to be funny, clever, smart, inspiring and insightful.  I want each and every post to be better than the last.  I want to progress.  I want you all to like me.

Above all, I want this blog for myself.  I want to write this blog to be unapologetically me and guess what, I'm not always funny, clever, smart, inspiring or insightful, I just get lucky every now and again.  I'm not always better today than yesterday.  I'm not always progressing.  And not everybody is going to like me.

This pressure of my wants make blogging really difficult sometimes.  When I type with this pressure my posts are contrived and often deleted.

It's the curse of being a perfectionist without the perfect.


AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay, I got it outta my system!

Now.

The past week has been a little weird.  Something is not lining up in the universe and funky.  On Wednesday I binged and was seriously considering just starting over on the streak.  But I didn't.

Flushed - 1, Ed - 1.

On Thursday my friend came over and we killed 2 bottles of wine (Plum Wine is what dreams are made of, btw, just in case you weren't In The Know) and had a nice little visit, love her.  I'm really excited/flattered that she wants me to design her save the date and wedding invitations!  This is where the whole perfectionist minus the perfect eats at me but damnit Flushed! You have to learn how to deal with pressure and let go because that's when I'm at my best.  When I let go of the potential judgment and let things happen.  So, hopefully I will come up with something that is nearly as amazing as she and her fiance (also a great friend of mine!)

When she left, I don't know what happened. I lost it, it was me and my mom and we got in heated discussion and it ended up with me balling my eyes out.  Basically,  I hate myself and need to be perfect in order to love myself and the judge of that perfection is if I think my mom perceives me as perfect.  Of course she says she thinks that I am perfect and all that.  But, of course I still bawled and cried on about being a horrible daughter and I'm so sorry that I tell you that I think you hate me despite everything you do for me (and, trust, she does A LOT for me)...AND how I'm negative and try so hard not to be but the negativity continues to show it's ugly face and I hate it and I hate myself and I wonder if it's really worth fighting.

She told me that I'm fighting myself.

True.

Also, (you're gonna think I'm A Crazy Person now) that there is something I'm not letting go of.

It's like some dark secret that's fueling some of this anger and darkness inside of me.  I want to let it go but it's too heavy to lift.  I want to expose it, empty it but it is locked and I don't have the key.  This sounds crazy even to me but it's there, I know it's there, I can feel it's weight.

Flushed - 2, Ed - 2.

It's so frustrating how the good will not exceed the bad.  I have a good night with my friend and am feeling great and then it turns in the opposite direction and I wake up with puffy eyes.  I binged and was feeling horrible ready to throw 28 days away and I woke up bloated but stronger.  I'm stuck in limbo, never hitting rock bottom and never reaching the stars.  I'm limited in good and in bad.

I went to lunch yesterday with the fam and ate my weight in bread, I was afraid to get on the scale for the second morning this week.  Terrible! 

Tough week.

Next week I start school, I'm looking forward to the change of momentum.


Things will get better.
I will persevere.

3 comments:

  1. i like you and i think you are funny and interesting and insightful.

    well done on not throwing your streak away, i know how hard it can be to feel stuck in the middle with one's middle expanding but we have to believe that we'll get there in the end.

    i also have problems lowering my own bar. i dont have the solution but you seem to be muddling through better than me anyway so i suppose you must be doing something right... xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmm I know what you mean about the need for a brilliant post. Sometimes when I've just posted a load of ramble I'm like God, who is gonna be glad they read this shit?!
    But hey, it's gotta be said.
    This blog isn't so much about art as it is about truth and relief.
    Plus I always love reading your posts, so I you're being terribly self-conscious :)
    A perfectionist will never be perfect... that's the curse of it... but it's fantastic that you are so positive.
    "Things will get better." Keep that thought at the forefront of your mind.
    Love x x x

    ReplyDelete
  3. What you describe as being in limbo, I have always considered the balance of life. I don't believe in any deities or a supreme being of any kind, but I still feel like the world is constantly changing, but trying to reach equilibrium. I had a really nice night out tonight, for example. Got a free ticket for a theater show and ended up getting my jacket stolen. We found the jacket, but I had lost my keys. Then again my brother was with me and he had my spare key ...

    I understand the need for absolutes; it's easier handling having an utterly horrible day, than one starting out good and ending in tears. Don't let it break you. You are stronger than ever and I am rooting for you.

    Love.

    ReplyDelete

Spill.
(or e-mail: FlushedAgain@gmail.com)