Have I ever told you that I love you!! Non-creepily, of course.
...Why does that sound so familiar...whatever I'll say it again!
I [non-creepily] love you!!!
ED - 0, Flushed - 1.
My friend (yes, friend, I just don't have any close ones) said that she was gonna have people over but turned out she wasn't much in the mood for celebrating (her mom died just this month) so I spent the evening at home with the TV and testing out my new gadget I got for christmas. It really wasn't that bad as long as I kept my thoughts on it being just another night.
ED - 0, Flushed - 2.
(Wait- you know that was all sarcasm right? I was trying to be funny. Fun-ceited?)
I thought back while perusing my contacts, all the numbers that are no longer in use. It was me being a flake. Being uncomfortable in my skin-my fat skin-and declining invitations. I have shut anybody out who has tried to befriend me because I'm afraid of calories. (Is there a phobia for that?)
I don't have anything to wear ~> I don't go shopping because I hate looking in the mirror and seeing clothes not fit me the way I want them too, in the size that I want them to.
I'm on a budget ~> Pretty much goes to the last excuse and also the calories that come with drinking/eating.
I'm tired ~> Hah! Never too tired to party! (If I'm feeling cute and confident, that is.)
I have homework to do ~> Really? I can't spare an hour for fun? No, no I'm much to busy staring at a blinking and unmoving cursor, reading blogs and flipping through the television...glancing at my books and headed for the kitchen...
This eating disorder sucks all the energy of me, I'm so busy being anxious about food and calories and how my body is all wrong.
I really thought that it was stress before, okay-yes, it is stress but I really think my super high sodium intake plays a major role because after I see it getting worse I STRESS DOUBLY MORE!! It's ridic.
It's exciting but it's also a struggle, it's like every step you take you never know when the ground will falter and you will stumble to one. I mean, you do and you don't. I went 76 days and fell and it was so hard to get the momentum back again, it was work and I had to persist and every time I purged, I had to try and let it go and look forward and it was hard but now I'm on day 23 and the holidays are over.
It's empowering to think that I made it through the Christmas treats, that I didn't have to eat 5 slices of pie, 12 cookies and then damn it all to hell and go for the choco cake and the dip and the other pie...I enjoyed my splurges and I let it go and stopped. Unlike the greedy bastard that Mia turns me into. I even went an entire weekend away and survived it swimmingly and then a week of anxiety about one night alone and I conquered that ish too.