Happy New Year! And stuff.

WOW!  You lovely ladies are oh-so-wonderful!

Have I ever told you that I love you!! Non-creepily, of course.


...Why does that sound so familiar...whatever I'll say it again!


I [non-creepily] love you!!!

Today is day 23.  I didn't really have the urge, habit and opportunity almost took me I went to the grocery store and the voice, the feeling was so faint it was easily ignored.  I walked out of the store with healthy stuff!

ED - 0, Flushed - 1.

My friend (yes, friend, I just don't have any close ones) said that she was gonna have people over but turned out she wasn't much in the mood for celebrating (her mom died just this month) so I spent the evening at home with the TV and testing out my new gadget I got for christmas.  It really wasn't that bad as long as I kept my thoughts on it being just another night.

(Day 23!)

ED - 0, Flushed - 2.

Many of you commented that the lack of friends is probably due to my ED and I think you are sooooo right! (I'm mean really, how faboo am I! I'm totally friend-worthy!) (and conceited....hmmmm.)

(Wait- you know that was all sarcasm right? I was trying to be funny. Fun-ceited?)

(Fail.)

Whatever, who doesn't have a friend who is constantly putting their foot in their mouth?  (Call me if you don't, I can totally fill the spot.)

I thought back while perusing my contacts, all the numbers that are no longer in use.  It was me being a flake.  Being uncomfortable in my skin-my fat skin-and declining invitations.  I have shut anybody out who has tried to befriend me because I'm afraid of calories. (Is there a phobia for that?)

I think of all the lame excuses that I tell myself:
I don't have anything to wear ~> I don't go shopping because I hate looking in the mirror and seeing clothes not fit me the way I want them too, in the size that I want them to.
I'm on a budget ~> Pretty much goes to the last excuse and also the calories that come with drinking/eating.
I'm tired ~> Hah! Never too tired to party! (If I'm feeling cute and confident, that is.)
I have homework to do ~> Really? I can't spare an hour for fun? No, no I'm much to busy staring at a blinking and unmoving cursor, reading blogs and flipping through the television...glancing at my books and headed for the kitchen...

This eating disorder sucks all the energy of me, I'm so busy being anxious about food and calories and how my body is all wrong.

The acne doesn't help either.  In fact, any energy I had left that could go to motivating me to get out Acne sucks it dry.  Actually, speaking of the devil (Acne = Devil) it started kind of clearing and I was feeling pretty good and then yesterday....I could feel it growing. (I know, disgusting, right?) (thank gawd for make up!!)  I'm convinced that all that goes on with my body stems from food and my diet, so I want to try cutting back on the salt (big-time, I LOVE salty food...) and see if my body feels better.  I'm pretty sure I have rosacea and cystic pimples on my cheeks and it was getting better and then BAW, not anymore.

I really thought that it was stress before, okay-yes, it is stress but I really think my super high sodium intake plays a major role because after I see it getting worse I STRESS DOUBLY MORE!!  It's ridic.

Back to it being day 23.
It's exciting but it's also a struggle, it's like every step you take you never know when the ground will falter and you will stumble to one.  I mean, you do and you don't.  I went 76 days and fell and it was so hard to get the momentum back again, it was work and I had to persist and every time I purged, I had to try and let it go and look forward and it was hard but now I'm on day 23 and the holidays are over.

It's empowering to think that I made it through the Christmas treats, that I didn't have to eat 5 slices of pie, 12 cookies and then damn it all to hell and go for the choco cake and the dip and the other pie...I enjoyed my splurges and I let it go and stopped.  Unlike the greedy bastard that Mia turns me into.  I even went an entire weekend away and survived it swimmingly and then a week of anxiety about one night alone and I conquered that ish too.

                                                I haven't puked.

                                                                              I haven't starved.

                                 And I haven't gained.

                                                                                                                      Amazing.

In 2010 I plan to take it one day at a time, as I have been.  Taking care to make sure my body gets what it needs (fruits/veggies/PROTEIN!) to help stave off those nasty urges to ruin my teeth, gain weight, have puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes, sore throat, an empty pantry, a puke smell, guilt and self-loathing. One day at a time.

In 2010 I will reach my goal weight of 110 pounds and I will reach it sans bulimia (as stated) and before I have to wear a bikini.

Our bodies are such interesting specimens.  I've maintain the weight of today for the past couple months or so but my body has since changed.  It will gain and lose weight quickly but something different happens when you maintain that weight. It's like those people who move from place to place, never really unpacking, never truly settling, always anticipating the next move.  Our bodies are efficient and adaptable and will try and roll with the punches, think about it, we've been eating trans fat for how long?  You know that's basically plastic, right?  Yeah.  And, while bugs and insects won't touch the stuff, our body will digest it.  Adaptable.

Well, I feel like my body is settling at this weight and reshaping itself.  I've been getting compliments (finally!) on my weight-loss and how I've trimmed down through my hips (MAJOR problem area!) and I now fit into my "goal" jeans.  These "goal" jeans are more like mini-goal.  They are size 27 Guess jeans, slim fit and they fit me perfectly now, slide on and button up no problem, no pudgy peaking over or anything~like a glu-UV!  A size 7 is acceptable for my body, in the sense that I should never be more than a size 7 and for these jeans to fit me so right...YES!  Starting 2010 at a decent size and I will be THIN by bikini time.

But for 2010...Size 7? No.  Maybe a size 3?  I dunno, I'll take a size at a time.

My BMI is like super gross. At 118 pounds it's a 20.9.  Sucks. 19 point something will be good. :)

Miss Burton asked me what happened to theElectrician, well, I basically kept blowing him off cuz of fat issues and he stopped trying.  He was nice and everything but... he didn't really do it for me, y'know?  I didn't like him like that. (Read: He didn't turn me on.) And KOO-DOSE to you for reading all my posts!! Wow, what a rollercoaster!  I'm so flattered!  I'm taking an English class this semester so hopefully my writing will improve...can articulation be taught?  (I don't think I even used that right....crap! It's gonna be a long semester.)

Ladies you are WONDERFUL!!!!  I do consider you all my friends (that's sounds creepy, huh?) whatevs ~ You all have a friend in California!! (Me.)

This past month or so has made me realize something more about how I've come to be the way that I am.  My mother.  I love this woman with all of my heart but good lord she drives me crazy disordered!  I'm hard on myself and somewhat of a perfectionist because of this woman.  No matter what favor I do her if there is a flaw in it or it is not what she expected she will point out the flaw. First.

Example:

I clean the house.  "You didn't get any wrapping done today?" She asks nonchalantly after announcing that she is home.

I'm putting the ribbons on the gifts she is taking to her boyfriends grandkids.  "Hurry, I'm running late.  You didn't take the casserole out of the oven! Great.  It's probably burnt on the bottom."  ("I was busy putting ribbon on YOUR gifts!"yeah, I said it and it was all laughed off cuz I'm sarcastic like that and she realized she was putting everything on me and said thank you and hug-hug, kiss-kiss.)

My mom is great, she really is and we really do have a good relationship but she doesn't realize the things that she does and has done all my life.  She doesn't realize the first thing out of her mouth is negative, she will say that she was "just making a comment."  Woman please keep your comments light and nice and NOT point out flaws, congratulations you spotted the flaw but chances are the person who flawed noticed too, look towards was done right.

My Mom is very loving and smart but also extremely socially naive and unaware of herself and the effects of words and tone.  And insecure.  I really wish I didn't follow her example so much but what else can you do when you are an only child and you wish for love/affection/attention from one woman.  At least I somewhat recognize where  I am following in her footsteps and with the recognition grants me the power to change it (in myself, of course).

Try, try and try again.

                                          With bulimia.

                               With my flaws.

          With my life.