Thursday, December 30, 2010

101 Ways Gyms are Auw-Sum!

101 Ways Gyms are Auw-Sum!

  1. The weather don't get crazy. SoCal is breaking it's rain rules, it's rained WAY more than 4 days this year.
  2. You stay relatively clean. Mud puddles are only cool when you don't do your own laundry.
  3. People watching. Thinspo. Reverse thinspo. Men you want to drool over you. Men that make you gag. Grunty men. Women that look like men.... and I've only gone twice so far.
  4. Exercise classes. Even if you're not joining in, it's entertaining to watch from the treadmill.
  5. TVs and Fans on the machines. SPOIL ME! I LOVE IT!
  6. If I feel like working out late at night, I don't get head shakes & frown because I might get "stolen."
  7. Eavesdropping. So far Juicy Convos have been at a zero; but I'm hopeful!
  8. Stats and Consistency. I tend to lollygag when I go for walks looking at nature or Christmas lights but the treadmill ain't having non of that gag that is lolly. The slave driver.
And 93 more! I assure you they are just as applause-worthy as 1-8! If you're not hitting the gym, there is a wonderful world of sweaty that you're missing in your life!

The gym, in all is spandexiness does have a down side. People can see you. Yes, you read that right; and it's true. Looks of jealous, disgust, and lust must be properly poker faced. Wanna work out in the jammy jams? No. I mean, I guess you can, but I'll tell you right now I'm giving it all that I got not to call you out like, "SERIOUSLY!? JAMMAS? IN PUB-LICK?! No. Just no. Put some pants on! Or at least sweats that don't have  little snowmen and candycanes on them. INAPPROPRIATE!" (Just for the record, I have not encountered a Jammimal yet.) (But I'm hopeful!) I'm not sayin' you gotta be catwalk ready either tho, cuz then you're Bozo the Clown at a cocktail party. 

I digress.

People can see you, and these people may be people you know. And not all the people I know I'm comfortable seeing when I'm working the ponytail, sweat, and warm-ups. Especially if these people are people that is your back up image files of the mind in the "men you want to drool over you" category when there aren't any "men you want to drool over you" available for gazing at the moment. And they are your neighbor. AND! AAAAND!!! They know your mom who is the person you drag with you to the gym. ESPECIALLY! Especially when the body ain't Ferret Status yet. 

Alright. Real talk. Neighbor Boy has mowed his lawn sans shirt and nearly caused a park car to jump out in front of mine like some crazy car bunny hippity hopping down the bunny trail. Twas insanity! INSANITY I SAY!! Luckily, my car has a poker face and played it cool. I don't know about the portion of his body that is atop is neck but the rest of him is enough to make Inappropriate Thoughts haunt my mind. Suddenly, bow-chicka-wowow just pops outuva cake and invades guerilla stylie in the middle of nowhere. Who knew doing laundry could be so intense?

Too bad I'm too much of a shy dork to ever say more to him than "Hi." and "I'm good. You?" and not look directly at the muscles. Mmmmmm....musssscles....

In other things new and exciting. I'm a horndawg and need to get laid. Serious. These man muscles ARE RUINING MY LIFE! Or my concentration, at least. And actually that may be a good thing because I'm in a financial shit-hole and it's stanky. And my focus will be to look smoken hott ferret status (like I am in my "distractions") rockin my new boots and peeptoe heels that I got for christmas! :)

P.S. I'm drunk. Off of Man-Muscle-Lusting. 
(Try it! It's calorie free! No hangover guaranteed!)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Fucking mimosas

Fucking mimosas

I stumbled I to this shit backwards and before I knew anything I was chest deep and sinking. I am a fairly intelligent girl and can see how far I have travelled into this disordered land where I am at the center and the rest of the forcefield is a food filled bubble. Family and the rest of the world are a distant blur.

And then there are holidays where family is right in front of me and I [drink copious amount of champagne and] talk to them. Most of the conversation is rather arbitrary. Tonight it got deep. Like I was fighting off crying like a 2 month old deep because shit hit a nerve.

I've told my mom and Sis about the bulimia situation before but more than 2 years have past and I'm not sure that they think of it as any more than a phase that is in the past. My mom and Sis are not educated or anything and they have some difficulty sympathizing with issues that they have no experience with. They also have this illusion that I'm super smart and strong and can do anything I set my mind to... Like getting over bulimia maybe?

Course we all know in this small corner of the blogosphere that is not the case. And now I'm pretty certain that this is not the case with my family. One in particular. A cousin that is 5 years my senior and teaching high schoolers did some research on EDs after being confronted with a girls dealing with them and other addictions.

We got into a talk tonight that end up A Talk (ifyaknowwhatamsayin). She said I need to talk to someone, I see her logic, but sadly that is just not how our economy and culture work. I don't have health insurance...I have like bills and shit to pay. The last thing I'm thinking of spending money on is to talk to somebody. I need a job.

In the world it's get a job so you can live not save your mental health. As long as you are sane enough to hold a job and take a shower a couple times a week America dont give a fuck. Oh your crying on the inside cuz shit doesn't go your way? Walk-no-eat it off. Not happy? Nobody is really happy, whatevs, just pay your bills and it won't get worse. In the human sense we all know that a person who is content or not unhappy fairs better but in America priority 1 is pay your bills.

I digress, my cousin can see clearly that I have body dismorphia and am depressed. Also that I've got manlike issues with food...not sure is she realizes or not that I'm bulimic but whatever. There is enough suspicion there that if she doesn't already know she figure out soon enough.

I'm scared. I liked believing that nobody knew. Our convo was out in the open too so I'm not sure what people caught on to or if they even cared's still uncomfortable. This disposition is weak and pathetic and I am ashamed.

I want to be a healthy person but I'm just not sure that person is in me anymore. That ship has sailed and I'm left here stranded at the docks all alone.

Digression city anybody? You found it. Basically the conversation was upsetting and makes me want to avoid my entire family for the rest of my life! Or at least until I cam be a normal person. Which is basically in like 13 lifetimes from now so I guess that would make my next 12 life's in like china or Antarctica. Y'know someplace Mexican-Americans aren't interested in traveling to.

In other news I saw my ex boyfriend and that sucked cuz he's a hoodlum as loser and I have zero respect for him....basically I'm just mad at myself for even going for him in the first place cuz like...whoa Desperation City? Maybe. And bad fucking judge of character. I am such a stupid girl on so many levels. I couldn't even look at him. And I didn't cuz I'm not tryin to straight through up in front of people thats not cool. Instead I just smoked my cig (first one in year or two...or three?) and looked in the other direction like those lame ass trees down the street were unicorns that I had never seen before in my life.

It's a good thing I've got sarcasm and champagne or I'dov suicided outta this life already.

Wait. IS that a "good" thing? I just don't know.

PS this lost is the product of some bottles of champagne. So if it doesnt make sense drunk a whole bunch and reassess....or just drink some and you'll no linger give a shit and the word "sense" will be right along with "fart" when you were in the first grade and you'll just giggle and drunk some more. Either way.

PPS note in the PS that bottles is plural and I said some.

Sent from my iPhone.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Cosmos Better Get Their Shit Together

I'm pretty sure the cosmos were against me yesterday. Or maybe...maybe that was me against me. The ED me, that is. I knew I was gonna binge when I went to bed the night before. I like to plan a NomVom in the early hours of the day and stay away from food the rest of the day. I do the Nom and the Vom to get it out of the way. To stay in control, I guess. If that makes any sense to you. Furthermore, I knew I was going to run errands before the NomVom so that I could get some NomVom food.

But then something awful happened. And it's awful only because I'm ED, the half of my brain that is relatively healthy was excited about the phone call from my aunt. A cooking class of Martini's & appetizers...martini? YES!Let's do this! I'm pretty certain that Martini making is a Life Skill, so this class is crucial to my existence. But the ED part of me was not amused. Food with real ingredients, like sugar and not Splenda? Cringe. I'll have to *gulp* digest this real food? And this may have been kinda okay if I would have had time enough to NomVom what I had planned.

The original plan (post phone call) was to have a bite of something, make some tea, get ready, and distract myself until it was time to leave. About an hour, an hour and a half max. The original plan went to shit. My mom came home just when I was finishing up the purge of my mini binge. (Yes, I'm well aware of my Stupid Girl Status.) I only had time for a quick change and make-up touch up, the hair was a hot mess.

The food was a flavorful party in my mouth. And not just any ole party with a keg and Doritos. This party was like My Super Sweet Sixteen party on steroids. The Sidecar Martini & Blackberry Martini may or may have definitely been the 'roids. And they threw a curve ball; they fed us desert. This brown tart pie thing with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. O. M. G.

*le sigh*

If we would have gone home after that it might of been kinda sorta maybe manageable. But we didn't, oh no, The Cosmos were having none of that. We went to my aunts house were my Adorable Cutie Pie niece was and I binged. alvausbuaifvwahbf;w! Know what'am sayin'?

And then I purged. Yes, at my aunts house. The rest of the house was watching a movie and should they ask any questions, I could just say I had to poop. That's always my excuse when I'm in the restroom for so long. The purge sucked tho, which is not surprising. I was tense and didn't use the liquid tricks of the trade to help out heavy Vom.

So annoying!

In other news, I went Christmas shopping with my Mom on Sunday and we got practically nothing accomplished in the way of gifts but I did get 3 pairs of jeans. Ten dollars guys! Ten! So for the price of one pair of inexpensive jeans ($30 is my norm) I got THREE! I didn't try them on because I'm a pansy like that. I just eyeballed and grabbed a size 6. I was so scared to try them on but they fit perfectly. I'm glad that they fit cuz like.... a size 8(!) would be Crybaby Status. Size 7 is my okay, I can live with this [but I don't want to] size. But, of course, a size 2/3 would be Ferret Status.

I know some of you girls are aching for that zero or one but I'm mexican. I got hips, thighs, and a booty, size zero and the even the white boys would want to feed me a hamburger. Especially cuz I'm small on top.... I don't want people counting my bones through my shirt. Not sexy.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ferret Status up for the taking

I've been progressively poor for the past sinceIgotlaidoffofmyjobhoweverlongthatis and I had to make some cut backs. No more XM radio (bye bye Cocktails with Patrick). No more gym membership. No more iTunes. No more $15 dollar salads with half the ingredients special ordered out of it. No more drinking [at bars] (thank gawd for cheap wine @ Trader Joe's!). 

Okayfine, so the sacrifices have been minimal but like...whatever their SACRIFICES OKAY!

I have been wanting to go to the gym though. It's one of things that I considered getting it back and then just chalking it up to a necessity since exercise is good or something. Obviously, I haven't. I workout at home; DVD's, Stability Ball, Bender Ball, Resistant bands, and going for walks but it's just not the same. I'm lackadaisical by nature. At home I get distracted and bored... but at the gym I'm there to get ish done! I miss the treadmill that makes me keep a steady pace, the efficiency of the elliptical, the variety of weight machines, and the option of going to classes. There's no lackadaisical breaking at the gym. I get annoyed when I see people just sitting and not working out, so I continually remind myself to stay busy.

One of the reasons that I haven't gone back to my gym (aside from the fact that working out at home works) is that my gym is old. Around the time I left they were building a new facility next door but since then the construction on it has stopped and various locations have closed down. Bally's is going under, me thinks. L.A. Fitness and KO are the other two gyms near me but they don't cost $99 for a full year. I'm not even sure $99 would get me 3 full months.

But something fantastic happened today. After my mom and her boyfriend got back from breakfast he asked me on the low if I could look up how much a gym membership costs at L.A. Fitness cause he wants to get one for my mom... and ME! Since she needs someone to force her to go, and I'm that girl! So, I looked it up, gave him the figures, he gave me his credit card and VOILA! Me and Mom are members of L.A. Fitness (active Dec. 26) and it's paid for a full year! :)

I suppose many people may take offense if their sig other gave them a gym membership for xmas, but this man is practical when he buys gifts; and my mom has been wanting to go back to the gym, so it's kosher. 

I'M STOKED! I need to get back to going to the gym 6 days a week. I've already been looking at the schedule of classes I want to go to. Hip Hop, Pilates, Yoga-YES! 

F*#! off Penguin~! Ferret Status here I come!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hobby no bueno

I spent a lot of time at the grocery store today walking up and down the aisle picking up binge food, putting it down, then picking it up again to put it in my cart walking to the end of the aisle and then turning back to put it back on the shelf. I ended up getting loads of tea, some soy products, and *gulp* two boxes of cereal.

I was a little surprised when I was finished purging that the boxes are not empty. It's sad that I consider this progress, the fact that I was able to just stop and purge before it was gone AND that I didn't go back for another round. It was low on the VomNomster Scale.

I was thinking the other day of the NomVom and how fucking weird it is to eat SO MUCH food and what possesses me to do this! The best taste of food is the first couple of bites, The Nom is so not even about food. It's about feeling engorged, it's the automation of fork to mouth, chew, chew swallow-repeat. For some odd reason this is comforting to me? I need to find some new comfort hobby.

Hobby? Hobby. Bulimia is my hobby. Good lawrd what have I let my life become?!

I like to keep it real here in my little corner of the blogosphere. I'm not proud that I have an ED. I would love to think relatively normal about food, to be able to be around food and not have my thoughts go into a tailspin of fuckery.

Bulimia is like some shitty dead end job that I keep saying I'm going to quit and don't, I just keep going back. Well, off to bed. Gotta go to "work" tomorrow. : /

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Works for me.

Since the day after Thanksgiving I have been doing a low-carb, low-fat, and super duper sky high from the windows to the walls protein diet. I've been to Trader Joe's practically every day to keep this up since they are the only ones that carry the noms that are kosher and reasonably priced on my self made diet.

I've been trying to drink more water. I drink coffee and tea, and when I get a craving for something sweet I just make a cup of hot chocolate-only 20 cals!

Shopping List:
  • Eggs (Obvy, I only eat the eggwhites)
  • Spicy Ranchero Eggwhite Salad
  • Fat Free Feta Cheese
  • Eggplant Hummus (healthy fats & fiber)
  • Chickenless Chicken (I'm a vegetarian. This soy product has the least carbs that I've found so far)
  • Nonfat Greek Yogurt
  • Fat Free Cottage Cheese (actually I haven't bought this yet but it's on the list of "cans")
  • Somona Low Carb Tortilla (3 net carbs and lots of fiber. Y'all know what happens with excess of protein and no fiber >.<)
So that's basically what I eat. I spice things up. The Greek Yogurt I mix in Splenda and Cinnamon and sometimes flaxseed (healthy fats!) and I'd do the same with Cottage Cheese. I'm not into cottage cheese as a savory treat. I typically add pepper to things with hummus and feta. And my eggwhites are usually spiced with a little Ranch dip mix (I buy this one from WinCo that is delish) and the packet can also be used in Greek Yogurt if I want a sour cream-like ranch dip for a burrito.

I bet most of you are cringeing and gagging by now! I know my taste buds are fuck sideways but all that matter is that it works for me! I even eat those zero cal Walden Farms products, currently the peanut butter and blueberry fruit spread on my low carb tortilla. Those Walden Farms products do have a weird chemically taste to them but... um... they are ZERO cals! And it totes kills the cravy for a real fatty, carby and sugary PB&J. Sacrifices Ladies! I'm make them! And I love mixing and matching these foods to make a new combo. Like a wrap of Hummus, Feta and Chickenless Chicken or if there is no Chickenless then I'll just fold over the tortilla like a quesadilla with the Hummus and Feta spread and sprinkled evenly. And if I put in a pan the tortilla gets a little crunchy like a chimichanga. My cheese is feta and my salsa is hummus.  I'm a mexican with Mediterranean tastebuds I guess. 

I'm satisfied and it's working, in combo with the 30 Day Shred that I do 4-5 times a week my body is slowly smoothing out and maybe even getting a little smaller. Most of my jeans fit okay and I'm hoping that in the next week all my jeans will be fitting comfortably. Of course I want them to be falling off of me but gotta take it a day at a time. I already have trouble sleeping. 

At 4 this morning I had to eat a spoonful of hummus so that I could sleep. And my joints hurt. I'm hoping this is because I've been working out in the tv room instead of my carpeted bedroom and the impact is what triggering the pain. Although, I do notice when I consistently cut back in calories that my joints act up. Oh well. Fuck em. They don't hurt that much.

Must. Fit. Into Skinny Jeans!!!

Ferret. Ferret! FERRET!!!