- The weather don't get crazy. SoCal is breaking it's rain rules, it's rained WAY more than 4 days this year.
- You stay relatively clean. Mud puddles are only cool when you don't do your own laundry.
- People watching. Thinspo. Reverse thinspo. Men you want to drool over you. Men that make you gag. Grunty men. Women that look like men.... and I've only gone twice so far.
- Exercise classes. Even if you're not joining in, it's entertaining to watch from the treadmill.
- TVs and Fans on the machines. SPOIL ME! I LOVE IT!
- If I feel like working out late at night, I don't get head shakes & frown because I might get "stolen."
- Eavesdropping. So far Juicy Convos have been at a zero; but I'm hopeful!
- Stats and Consistency. I tend to lollygag when I go for walks looking at nature or Christmas lights but the treadmill ain't having non of that gag that is lolly. The slave driver.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I stumbled I to this shit backwards and before I knew anything I was chest deep and sinking. I am a fairly intelligent girl and can see how far I have travelled into this disordered land where I am at the center and the rest of the forcefield is a food filled bubble. Family and the rest of the world are a distant blur.
And then there are holidays where family is right in front of me and I [drink copious amount of champagne and] talk to them. Most of the conversation is rather arbitrary. Tonight it got deep. Like I was fighting off crying like a 2 month old deep because shit hit a nerve.
I've told my mom and Sis about the bulimia situation before but more than 2 years have past and I'm not sure that they think of it as any more than a phase that is in the past. My mom and Sis are not educated or anything and they have some difficulty sympathizing with issues that they have no experience with. They also have this illusion that I'm super smart and strong and can do anything I set my mind to... Like getting over bulimia maybe?
Course we all know in this small corner of the blogosphere that is not the case. And now I'm pretty certain that this is not the case with my family. One in particular. A cousin that is 5 years my senior and teaching high schoolers did some research on EDs after being confronted with a girls dealing with them and other addictions.
We got into a talk tonight that end up A Talk (ifyaknowwhatamsayin). She said I need to talk to someone, I see her logic, but sadly that is just not how our economy and culture work. I don't have health insurance...I have like bills and shit to pay. The last thing I'm thinking of spending money on is to talk to somebody. I need a job.
In the world it's get a job so you can live not save your mental health. As long as you are sane enough to hold a job and take a shower a couple times a week America dont give a fuck. Oh your crying on the inside cuz shit doesn't go your way? Walk-no-eat it off. Not happy? Nobody is really happy, whatevs, just pay your bills and it won't get worse. In the human sense we all know that a person who is content or not unhappy fairs better but in America priority 1 is pay your bills.
I digress, my cousin can see clearly that I have body dismorphia and am depressed. Also that I've got manlike issues with food...not sure is she realizes or not that I'm bulimic but whatever. There is enough suspicion there that if she doesn't already know she figure out soon enough.
I'm scared. I liked believing that nobody knew. Our convo was out in the open too so I'm not sure what people caught on to or if they even cared but....it's still uncomfortable. This disposition is weak and pathetic and I am ashamed.
I want to be a healthy person but I'm just not sure that person is in me anymore. That ship has sailed and I'm left here stranded at the docks all alone.
Digression city anybody? You found it. Basically the conversation was upsetting and makes me want to avoid my entire family for the rest of my life! Or at least until I cam be a normal person. Which is basically in like 13 lifetimes from now so I guess that would make my next 12 life's in like china or Antarctica. Y'know someplace Mexican-Americans aren't interested in traveling to.
In other news I saw my ex boyfriend and that sucked cuz he's a hoodlum as loser and I have zero respect for him....basically I'm just mad at myself for even going for him in the first place cuz like...whoa Desperation City? Maybe. And bad fucking judge of character. I am such a stupid girl on so many levels. I couldn't even look at him. And I didn't cuz I'm not tryin to straight through up in front of people thats not cool. Instead I just smoked my cig (first one in year or two...or three?) and looked in the other direction like those lame ass trees down the street were unicorns that I had never seen before in my life.
It's a good thing I've got sarcasm and champagne or I'dov suicided outta this life already.
Wait. IS that a "good" thing? I just don't know.
PS this lost is the product of some bottles of champagne. So if it doesnt make sense drunk a whole bunch and reassess....or just drink some and you'll no linger give a shit and the word "sense" will be right along with "fart" when you were in the first grade and you'll just giggle and drunk some more. Either way.
PPS note in the PS that bottles is plural and I said some.
Sent from my iPhone.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
But then something awful happened. And it's awful only because I'm ED, the half of my brain that is relatively healthy was excited about the phone call from my aunt. A cooking class of Martini's & appetizers...martini? YES!Let's do this! I'm pretty certain that Martini making is a Life Skill, so this class is crucial to my existence. But the ED part of me was not amused. Food with real ingredients, like sugar and not Splenda? Cringe. I'll have to *gulp* digest this real food? And this may have been kinda okay if I would have had time enough to NomVom what I had planned.
The original plan (post phone call) was to have a bite of something, make some tea, get ready, and distract myself until it was time to leave. About an hour, an hour and a half max. The original plan went to shit. My mom came home just when I was finishing up the purge of my mini binge. (Yes, I'm well aware of my Stupid Girl Status.) I only had time for a quick change and make-up touch up, the hair was a hot mess.
The food was a flavorful party in my mouth. And not just any ole party with a keg and Doritos. This party was like My Super Sweet Sixteen party on steroids. The Sidecar Martini & Blackberry Martini may or may have definitely been the 'roids. And they threw a curve ball; they fed us desert. This brown tart pie thing with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. O. M. G.
If we would have gone home after that it might of been kinda sorta maybe manageable. But we didn't, oh no, The Cosmos were having none of that. We went to my aunts house were my Adorable Cutie Pie niece was and I binged. alvausbuaifvwahbf;w! Know what'am sayin'?
And then I purged. Yes, at my aunts house. The rest of the house was watching a movie and should they ask any questions, I could just say I had to poop. That's always my excuse when I'm in the restroom for so long. The purge sucked tho, which is not surprising. I was tense and didn't use the liquid tricks of the trade to help out heavy Vom.
In other news, I went Christmas shopping with my Mom on Sunday and we got practically nothing accomplished in the way of gifts but I did get 3 pairs of jeans. Ten dollars guys! Ten! So for the price of one pair of inexpensive jeans ($30 is my norm) I got THREE! I didn't try them on because I'm a pansy like that. I just eyeballed and grabbed a size 6. I was so scared to try them on but they fit perfectly. I'm glad that they fit cuz like.... a size 8(!) would be Crybaby Status. Size 7 is my okay, I can live with this [but I don't want to] size. But, of course, a size 2/3 would be Ferret Status.
I know some of you girls are aching for that zero or one but I'm mexican. I got hips, thighs, and a booty, size zero and the even the white boys would want to feed me a hamburger. Especially cuz I'm small on top.... I don't want people counting my bones through my shirt. Not sexy.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
- Eggs (Obvy, I only eat the eggwhites)
- Spicy Ranchero Eggwhite Salad
- Fat Free Feta Cheese
- Eggplant Hummus (healthy fats & fiber)
- Chickenless Chicken (I'm a vegetarian. This soy product has the least carbs that I've found so far)
- Nonfat Greek Yogurt
- Fat Free Cottage Cheese (actually I haven't bought this yet but it's on the list of "cans")
- Somona Low Carb Tortilla (3 net carbs and lots of fiber. Y'all know what happens with excess of protein and no fiber >.<)