Thursday, December 16, 2010
Hobby no bueno
I spent a lot of time at the grocery store today walking up and down the aisle picking up binge food, putting it down, then picking it up again to put it in my cart walking to the end of the aisle and then turning back to put it back on the shelf. I ended up getting loads of tea, some soy products, and *gulp* two boxes of cereal.
I was a little surprised when I was finished purging that the boxes are not empty. It's sad that I consider this progress, the fact that I was able to just stop and purge before it was gone AND that I didn't go back for another round. It was low on the VomNomster Scale.
I was thinking the other day of the NomVom and how fucking weird it is to eat SO MUCH food and what possesses me to do this! The best taste of food is the first couple of bites, The Nom is so not even about food. It's about feeling engorged, it's the automation of fork to mouth, chew, chew swallow-repeat. For some odd reason this is comforting to me? I need to find some new comfort hobby.
Hobby? Hobby. Bulimia is my hobby. Good lawrd what have I let my life become?!
I like to keep it real here in my little corner of the blogosphere. I'm not proud that I have an ED. I would love to think relatively normal about food, to be able to be around food and not have my thoughts go into a tailspin of fuckery.
Bulimia is like some shitty dead end job that I keep saying I'm going to quit and don't, I just keep going back. Well, off to bed. Gotta go to "work" tomorrow. : /