Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I skipped my classes today and did... nothing unless hating yourself as something. I lucked that we were given until Wednesday to turn in our outlines (I e-mailed my teacher). I also started (yes started) working on the design for the wedding invitations for my aunts friend and told her I would charge her $40 flat for my time plus whatever the invitations cost. I feel guilty, like it's way too much. I made sure that I put she could use the logo for other things too (stationary, coffee mugs, mousepads... whatever). It was a price that my mom suggested a when we talked about it a while back, she actually thinks that's low. I see her point, really, when I think of all the time I put into it, I'm paying myself China's minimum wage, but I'm amateur so maybe one day I'll step up to California minimum wage. I figure the $40 will get me a couple of car washes.
I'm not even happy with the design yet, it's still a work in progress. I can't figure out if I'm having a harder time with it because I've never met the couple or because I'm just in a creative slump. Or I'm just depressed. My Save the Date for my little niece's birthday party was a big fail too.
I'm just sad. Everytime I try and think of why but it seems like everything I think of just makes me sad. I keep thinking of myself and society. I don't fit in anywhere. Society is fucked anyway, I hate myself and I hate the world around me but am powerless to do anything about it. I don't want to play Life anymore. I'm not suicidal but if death were to present itself to me, I'm not so sure I would deny it.
I wonder, if I have gotten to the point of not caring and not wanting to play then why do I want, so bad, to be thin and beautiful and loved? I don't want it bad enough to actively seek it but I lust for it. I guess if just makes me a soar loser?
Whenever I think about killing myself and then I think well then what would I do before I off myself? Of course, I would binge. And then I think screw that! If I'm gonna die why not just drive my life into shit and do whatever I want, spend, travel, be however I want to be and just not care! And then I think I totally should do that! But I need to get thin and beautiful first so that it's a better experience. People are nicer to pretty and thin people. And what if I am traveling and meet some sexy foreigner? I can't be all fat and yucky! He might be my happily ever after and I mucked it up with Doritos, Cheez-its, Gardetto's and cheezy, buttery, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside bread.
Dr. Roizen has a little theory on foods your crave and mood, apparently I'm angry, stressed, lonely and sexually frustrated right now.
And that's why I'm still alive. Because I just think too dilly dang much and don't do ish.
(Dilly dang? ... I'm speechless.)
So I'm just sad about everything and am experiencing some leakage of the eyeballs, sometimes it's allergies but sometimes it's not. Tomorrow I have to be up and out of the house at the crack of dawn because the cleaning ladies are coming. I have dishes to wash. Ugh. I'm still debating whether I should pick up my room or just leave a note on the door to not clean. (You probably already know the verdict.)
I have a kink in my neck.
I did bad eating today. (Again. Not surprising.) but I didn't get all crazy-like, rummaging through the cupboards and mindlessly shoving food in my mouth. And I didn't puke either. I can attribute both those small victories to all the tiny little blisters camping out on the outskirts of my lips. Thanks assholes.
I read some of Wasted last night and when I was reading about her childhood I started remembering a lot of my own childhood. Some memories were similar to what she was saying, I was also an only child with a mother who was constantly dieting. As far back as I can remember I've scrutinized my body in mirrors, sucking in and pinching. I was never strong like her though, I always caved and ate, I knew what anorexia was and I always wished I could resist temptations.
In Psychology we learned that scientists theorize that all of our memories are stored in our brains we just don't know how to get to most of them. So while I was reading and memories were coming back to me, I indulged and tried to push the envelope. I always wanted to write everything that I could, every thought, every experience but every time I've tried I fail. My mind is so vivid there is just too much, I try to pick a point and start describing it and pretty soon I'm trying to add backstory and extra thoughts and then I realize I took a left when I should have taken a right and turned 10 more times because I got distracted by something shiny and now I'm in BFE, I'm out of gas and I don't even want to go where I was going before because it's too late and I just don't care anymore.
Case in point.
BUT SOMEDAY! Someday I will write a book and it will be good. I'll actually make sense and use complete thoughts. I have no idea what I could ever write about but whatevs.
It could happen.
(Best slogan. EVER.)
Great. Now I have a kink in my neck AND a headache.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
It seems like we struggle to even know what feelings are. Do we even know what it is to love, to express love? Or are we just mimicking what we hear about or see in the movies and do those things that the people who were in love did. It's not the act that is love, it is the emotion that drove us to the act that is what is meaningful. Once upon a super long time ago there was a man in love who gave the woman he loved a flower because it was so perfect and naturally beautiful but, in his eyes, it paled in comparison to the beauty of the woman he loved. (Or something poetic.) And now, a guy buys flowers because that's what women want. No, dumbasses, girlfriend wants love (and/or be the apple of his eye) and boyfriend wants to get laid (and/or not get bitched at). I'm not saying it's not sweet and express love but more times than not they are contrived because they feel like that's what you are supposed to do but lack either the emotions or the ability to express their emotion.
I know people who have gotten married because they saw the ring. I know people who have gotten married because they've been together for so long. I know people who have gotten married because they don't want to be single. I know people who have gotten married because time is ticking and they want to have babies already. I know people who are still in relationships because there is nothing wrong even though there is nothing really right about their relationship either. If you are in love you should be happy, not indifferent.
My mom and her boyfriend have been together for 15 years, she wants to get married because she "doesn't want to be alone" for the rest of her life. Marriage is ensurance that he will not leave her tomorrow. What I love about their relationship is that they have nothing keeping them together except love. They are both financially independent, have their own lives and they are both attractive and have other offers (seriously, my mom gets hit on a lot. What a disappointment when they see her daughter looks nothing like her. Sorry fellas don't judge a daughter by her mama). They are both easy going and affectionate. Right now they are spending 2 weeks in Florida going fishing or whatever at his house out there. I don't want marriage or a relationship, I want love. The rest follows.
Why do we continually seek more and better? Why do we develop addictions? Are addiction derived from unhappiness? Doing something once or every now and again is fine but when it gets to the point where we do this something and return to our regular programing and all you are doing is looking for a distraction from your regular programmed schedule Houston, that's a problem.
I think we are taught, as a society to numb our emotions and fake feelings with how we think we should feel instead of feeling. A lot of people will say that they are happy as an automatic response because in our black and white society you are either a happy person or a depressed person. And if you are a depressed person you have failed somehow.
I feel like all around me are people living in worlds of denial. They are so far disillusioned that they don't even know it because at this far into the game of life they don't want to know it. It's just easier to keep playing because it's normal.
We are hurting our planet and ourselves with our sins of society. It makes me sad that there is so much wrong with our society and it effects people on every level. The government fucks us and we let them through our inaction. There are power in numbers but our numbers seem to be preoccupied with Doritos and Tabloid Magazines, in other words, slowly killing themselves with delicious and inexpensive poisons and polluting their minds with frivolous distractions instead of the real issues.
I am powerless and sad. I am guilty of indulging in distractions among other things because it's easier not to. I don't even know anybody who knows much of anything about politics, I would have to learn and teach myself. And I swear the government doesn't want us to know about it either, so they make it all super boring and use big words that most people don't know. And then they keep things from us... ugh.
This has been bothering me for a long time; again, there is so much more going on in my mind on this subject that I can't pin down or articulate correctly and/or fully. My mind is very web-like and it all connects... I just wish I were articulate enough to give a clear picture.
I applaud you and want to hug you if you actually read all of this, I'm quite the rambler. And if you have any thoughts I would love to hear them even if you are criticizing me, that's fine too.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
(And don't even get me started of child birth!)
(or whatever that hairy nationality is.)
(I didn't even purge all week!)
And I'll be here, doing the kitchen dance and counting calories and whatnot.
In this post, GTMS-Becca & embre suggested that I get a hobby (which I'm still brainstorming about... I'm broke and hobbies tend to be on the pricey side) but I do have a couple hobbies, one is this (yes, I consider blogging a hobby because I do love to write) and another is designing, graphic design to be a little more specific. I do invitations and things for my family (and family friends) and I'm working on a WEDDING invitation that I'm actually going to get PAID for!
Somebody is trusting me to design for one of the most important days of their life.
Did I mention I'm an amateur?
I have to admit it is very flattering! I really do love it when people say they like my designs! But at the same time I get nervous for people to see them, I get worried that it isn't so impressive. An artist is only as good as their last piece of work and, of course, I want each one to be better than the last. (OMG, did I just call myself an artist? For lack of a better word, we'll just go with that but for the record: I am no artist.) I wonder if they think it's good for an amateur, because they know me and are surprised the work came from me or if they really do think that it's good.
I suppose it doesn't matter. Why does it matter to me? Why can't I just be good for me? Why do I crave those outside compliments? I am not an artist. I am an amateur. And yet I want to be compared with the true artists? With the professionals? Talk about unrealistic expectations!!
Stop being a perfectionist Flushed!
I do dream that one day I will be able to make a nice little side income of designing.
But that's just a dream. I lack the talent and consistency. Anything that is awesome that comes from my hobby always seems like a fluke to me. I never intend for a design to the way that it turns out, it just makes itself. Maybe the design gods are helping me out, out of pity.
The week without my mom is something different though. We chat, she invites my Sis and her baby over... there's life. Without her, there is no life and I'm not strong enough to reach out. Solitude is my comfort zone. I use the excuse that I have so much to do at home, and I do but I don't use my time at home to do it. I have piles of laundry, a filthy car and tons upon tons of homework to catch up on.
I'll make an effort to step outside my safety zone.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I'm thoroughly frustrated with myself and this excess weight. Last night I went through my Lose It app to when I was at a steady 117-119 pounds. My diet basically consisted of:
Frozen Vegetables (frozen, usually Normandy cuz it's at costco)
Fresh Vegetables (Spinach, lettuce, squash...salad stuff)
Old Fashioned Oats
Pure Protein (powder/bars/shakes)
And coffee, splenda, spray butter, hot sauce... y'know.
I think I need to get back to this. I've been eating a substantial amount (with the excuse of my period) (or whatever other lame excuse I can think of) so I don't think I'll really have to worry about my weight climbing before it goes down (probably because it's already so damn high).
From what I can remember of this month when I maintained a somewhat comfortable weight, it was pretty easy. I believe the problem for a bit was my hair falling out but I think I fixed that problemo with an increasing my protein intake.
So I guess.... I guess I'm gonna try this out and see how it goes. Bingeing can only happen with vegetables. That's the rule.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I smiled the night away, cringing on the inside when my Laguna Hills cousins would tell me how pretty or cute I was. My cousin (who is in his 40's) (he's crazy, you should see him on the dancefloor-his moves can old be described as a force) asked me if I was dating anybody. I said that I wasn't dating anybody at the moment, which is true but adding the phrase "at the moment" was a bit of a stretch of the truth. (Mo-ment, Mo-nths, they're kind of similiar right?) It's not like I'm even turning down dates or passes at me (okay 1 but in months that's not exactly beating them off with a stick) (or a twig, at that). He said he was shocked because I was so pretty that there would be no reason why a guy wouldn't want to date me.
He went on to tell me a story of this girl that was beautiful, a former beauty queen (of Alaska, which is barely a state if you ask me but whatever) and he was a young man just graduated from college with a rosy colored outlook at the world which granted him the confidence to ask out Beauty for a date. She said yes! And he was stoked but also surprised to learned that she rarely got asked out besides the occasional type-A personality because most guys were intimidated by her beauty. He ended up dated the Beauty for a few months until one day he comes home to his apartment and she rearranged all the contents of the kitchen cupboards. Apparently, the girl was nuts.
The boyfriend thing kind of stuck with me though. I feel like I need to get one before everybody starts thinking I'm a lesbian. (A little SexyTime would be nice too.) (For calorie burning purposes obviously...) Mainly, I'm tired of being the odd girl out, everybody around me has boyfriends, all my family members and all of my friends... social gatherings are... lonely.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Another thought crossed my mind though. Perhaps this shows a sign of my body being somewhat stable and kinda-sorta-in-a-way healthy then maybe, just MAYBE my body and metabolism isn't so far shot to shit and I could lose weight more easily.
Odd how only yesterday I was watching the Tyra Show about period, then there were some articles on it that I read yesterday and today then low and behold. Red toilet paper. How can you not believe in the Law of Attraction? Things weasel their way into your mind/thoughts and POOF, suddenly they're reality.
Now, if I could only get myself to start think as a stick of a girl instead of a girl struggling to lose weight.
Easier said than done.
In other news, I'm continually reading about diets (I'm so original, not ED-like at all...) and I watched Celebrity Fit Club for the first time today mainly because the Baywatch girl is 5'3" like I am so I was curious to see her physique and weightloss journey. She's not doing so great with the weightloss but a thought crossed my mind as I was watching the show that I wanted to share. She's shorter than the others and less overweight, in fact, at 130 lbs her BMI would be 23, which is in the normal range, unlike many of her costars that are clearly overweight. It's easier to lose 4 pounds in a week when you are 40 pounds overweight! And taller! I'm not saying it's easy for anybody to lose weight but there is a reason those last 5 to 10 pounds are harder to shed, it's because now you've cut out all the frivolous tendencies that you have, now it's time to really cut to the bare bones.
If you were to compare dieting to budgeting, it would be easier to save $100 each month if you were spending were already going on shopping sprees every week. But what if you aren't a shopper and aren't the type to indulge in an $8 cup of burnt coffee every morning, how do you save $100 each month then? Start bringing your lunch to work, take shorter showers, use coupons... you get where I'm going with this right? (Let's hope.)
My point is these people who are not even in the normal BMI weight range have so many more ways to cut calories and so much more weight to lose, they even burn more calories with the more they weigh. I find it impressive when a person looks amazing in a bikini not when they've gone from obese to overweight. Big whoop. Guess what? You still overindulge. That last 10-15 pounds is so much more impressive than all the rest in my eyes.
I want to be impressed with myself, I don't push myself nearly enough. I still have 10-15 (even 20) pounds to lose before I can be impressed with myself. I feel like I eat relatively good, as in compared to what the [overweight] people around me eat but when compared to thin people...no. I'm a fatass.
I've got to change. Spring is here and summer will smack me in the ass before I know it if I don't do something now. I know we all say it a million times, the whole I need to change schpeel but I will continue to do so until it imbeds itself in my brain and these words turn into actions and translate into a SMOKING HOT BOD.
Until then... le sigh.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
- 3 meals of 300 calories, 4 hours apart.
- Keep the meals relatively balanced. This means protein, omega-3's, calcium, veggies, fruit, fiber and whole grains and not 300 calories of only one type of food.
- Try and avoid food that I know will trigger me.
I wanted to cry my eyes out, I wished for the days when I used ipecac and puking was a sure shot. (Don't worry, I can't get my hands on it any more-not even on the internet.) (Not that I've tried...*cough*) I considered taking shots of vodka but I wasn't sure how effective it would be, thre are extra calories and I didn't want to end up blacking out. I went to the kitchen and chugged glass after glass of water until my stomach felt like it would rip open. I shook around hoping the water would get underneath the food so it could surf on out of me on a wave of water.
- Fruit: Apples, Bananas, Tangelos
- Frozen Veggies: Broccoli Florets, Carrots
- Boca Burgers
- Cheese: Laughing Cow Light Wedges, Smart Beat Sliced Cheese
- Rice Cakes
- English Muffins (Light, Multi-grain)
- Probiotic Yogurt
- Fiber Cereal (from Trader Joe's)
Friday, March 12, 2010
I've eaten a lot today, the bulk of which has been in vegetables which isn't bad. Let's face it though, it's not exactly good either in the department of caloric restriction. I'm at approximately 1,000 today (not all of it is veggies, maybe 1/2) and it's only 3 in the afternoon.
It's a scientific fact (in my own personal book of Scientific Facts) that minutes on Fridays are 87.12031% longer during the hours of wheneveryougetup until about 9 o'clock and then all of a sudden the planets do a little dance, make a little love and do a bootie bump with Earth, making it impossible to go to sleep at a decent hour. It's very inconsiderate. These selfish planets are completely insensitive to whether or not you have anything to do (nothing) or what ungawdly hour you got up in the morning (damn ungawdly). Go ahead and try to defy the effers! Gi-gi-gi-Give it all you got! Gi-Give it all you got. Workout, eat turkey all day, drink warm milk, do everything on your to-do list, put on your favorite jammy jams, some Kenny G., read a textbook and try, just try and fall asleep. You can't.
Scientific Fact. It's Friday.
1,000 calories already and it's Friday. Are you seeing now how this is problematic? And because I'm an intelligent human being and not in the mood to take on the planets today I'm going to drink some coffee. I mean, who am I to get in the way of a good booty bump? Exactly. Coffee it is.
I've written countless hate letters to that old bastard the late and great Mr. Father Time to put an end to this Friday Freakishness and regulate on those Punk Ass Planets. Perhaps my letters must have gotten lost in the mail.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I'm puking again, I thought it was over; I thought wrong. (Evidently. Sorry toilet.)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
My "liquid fast" is more like a "don't consume anything you have to
chew fast." Again, with the baby food. You know how Savory says you
just don't binge on baby food? Well, apparently I have no shame and
my binge addiction surpasses the likes of food made for babies in tiny
little jars and plastic containers. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if a
few plastic lids were compromised in my baby binge haze, they're
probably floating around in gut right now.
I calculated about 1210 calories today. 3 protein shakes @ 130 cals
each is over a quarter of it and the rest was in the form of baby food
and tomato sauce (not just plain-I'm no stranger to the spice rack!)
It could have been much worse. My mom bought bread. BREAD. My arche
nemises slash love of my life. It was taunting me all day long. And
you KNOW that one serving would not be the end of it, all 600 calories
of the bag would have been consumed and that would trigger and be only
the beginning of a self loathing feeding frenzy!
Baby food it was.
At only 3:30 I had consumed over 1,000 calories and I was looking at
entire night of home alone time. Just me and Mr. Bread. And then my
phone rang and it was my mom coming to save the day (or at least
discontinue todays self destructive behavior). We went and saw Avatar
in 3D and it was AMAZING!! (no really, go RIGHT NOW and watch it with
those silly little glasses, it's worth it!)
I'm not happy about the 1210 calories I had today but it could have
been so much worse. I pray tomorrow and days to come will be better.
I'm very down these days (if you've been reading a while I'm sure it
is painfully obvious, in fact, I'm surprised anybody is still
reading!) and all I can think about is bingeing and purging.
I get so far as the binge and when I feel my heart racing, notice the
haze that surrounds me, the uncomfortable tightness of my distended
belly I look to the bathroom and I can see my ghost of nights past
bent over at the waist, eyes watering, nose running with my fingers
lodged in the back of my throat frantically searching for the magic
pressure point that will eject the contents of my stomach, rotting my
teeth and swelling my cheeks in the process and I frown. "do I really
want to do this?" I ask myself, "it only leads to more and worse." but
still, I consider it. I think of my streak and my blog-where I would
have to confess my sin. I think of the last time I broke on the 77th
day and it took me nearly 3 months before I could get through a week
without puking. I hate myself in these moments, I hate that I ever
got to this point that I even have these memories.
I wrote here once that 2010 will be the year that I quit. And when I
think that it empowers me, I don't want to make more of these
dreadfully embarrassing memories.
I remember when I was in the 4th grade we watched that movie with the
girl that turns bulimic (Hunger Point?) there is a scene where she is
out in the middle of the woods or something and she is in the back of
a station wagon binging on all kinds of junk food and it has stuck
with me since. Even in 4th grade I daydreamed about it but there was
always that threshold to pass. It takes alot to stick your fingers
down your throat long enough to actually bring anything up.
The first time I did it I was 14, drinking at my friends birthday
party, I felt my stomach flip went to the bathroom and brought up the
alcohol and until I had turned 21 that's the only thing I would bring
up, my sober mind couldn't override the natural reaction of pulling my
fingers when I triggered the gag. The day it did opened a can of worms.
But as memories flood back to me the seed was planted long ago, I've
always hated the reflection in the mirror. When I was as young as 5 I
remember I wanted to be white, I hated my brown skin, my brown eyes
and hair. (I'm Mexican) it's why I never learned Spanish, I wanted to
be as white as possible if I couldn't get there with appearance at
least I could do it with culture! I've always analyzed and
scrutinized my body in the mirror, I always wanted to just stop eating
but my will was not strong enough to follow through.
And then I got older and realized that with practice and patience the
mind can override the natural urges of the body (not that it's easy).
Did you know that sone yogis can slow their breathing and heart beat
to be undetectable? It's amazing what our minds can do if we know how
to use them, if we can figure out how to effectively brainwash
ourselves. It is, afterall, how many of us got to be disordered with
food and body. And now I'm trying to brainwash myself to healthy (or
as close to healthy as one can be after these 'worms' are let loose in
This is really hard, I'm really struggling even now as I lay here in
my bed recalling these dreadful memories bread pulls at the corners of
Sent from my iPhone.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I guess one way of putting it would be to say that I feel empty of emotion. Nothing excites me, nor angers me; I am indifferent. I feel as though I am a shell of a person, I struggle to show emotion of any kind. I can disappear from Earth tomorrow and I'm sure it would take a month for anybody to truly notice (aside from my mom). I'm not only cut off from society, I am cut off from my own spirit.
I wonder why I do this to myself, not just the eating disorder, but all of it. I don't live, I simply exist. I am a guest star in the lives of others but I am completely disposable. The only time I do anything is when it is completely obligatory and dependent on others. If nobody calls on me, I do nothing. I try and fill the role I think they expect of me and then disappear from the radar again.
I think that maybe I got this eating disorder because I needed a friend, a distraction from the nothingness that has become of me. It's easier to just disappoint myself, I will always be there with me.
I am afraid to live in the world because I fear the world will reject me.
I'm on day 2 of this liquid fast and I've thought several times to just forget the whole thing and binge and purge because what am I even doing it for? Because I want to look good in a bikini? And for what, it's not like anybody will see me. It's not like I have anybody to share this body with. I am alone in the world and I teeter between being alone and fat or being alone and skinny because either way I am hallow.
I have no energy. All I want to do is sleep because there is a potential for dreams in sleep and dreams are all I have to live for because my reality is empty.