I wipe with Sarcasm and Words That I Make Up because I'm awesome and my words are better than Websters. (Yeah I said it. Suck it Webster!) I'm the Word Generating Mastah! Bwahahahahaaaaaaa!!! Truth isn't always pretty but who says it can't be somewhat mildly entertaining? (The premise of all reality TV. I rest my case. And I need a gavel cuz I'm The Decider and I decided I'm right.)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
My Body Hates Me, Let Me Count the Ways
I quit counting calories and I quit weighing myself!
I start back on Monday. I've been on my period this week and I'm totally over it. As in, I don't want this shit! Double you tee eff Mother Nature, flowers are pretty and stuff but this whole bleeding from the vagina for a week... Splain. Cuz it's just not right.
And you are called Mother Nature? Mothers are women! I am thoroughly convinced that you are no such thing. How are you gonna make us all suffer like this? I'm convinced that you Mother Nature (if that's your real name!) are a dude! A mean dude. With a vendetta.
A week of blood, bloat & bitchiness, a little of excessive, no? Is this payback for effing up your planet? Because if that's the case, I think the men do the majority of that... just sayin.
(And don't even get me started of child birth!)
This week is sort of my jump off, I think. I've been eating what is normal for me, meaning I'm not happy about it but I'm not freaking out either, and now the smooches my thighs have been exchanging are more like butterfly kisses. (figuratively, of course, I'm not Scottish.)
(or whatever that hairy nationality is.)
I would think my body would be grateful for my efforts.
I would think.
(I didn't even purge all week!)
Of course, my body, being the ungrateful jerk that it is, hates me. I've been getting random pains like crazy! It's so frustrating, it's basically the same pain that's not unlike a vagabond, it moves or spreads itself to different places and doesn't ever seem to stay long enough to be tracked down. I have yet to find the words to describe what it feels like (other than painful or bothersome). I can't exactly go to the doctors when it's all sporadical and I can't describe this phantom pain. They have no way of measuring it (apparently this means that it does not exist), they'll likely send me back home and tell me to pop some Motrin and walk it off. I wouldn't be surprised if my medical records have notes on them that say "hypochondriac" or "wimp." Doctors are a waste of time and co-pay, if you ask me. (Because they can't fix my problems. If I had broken bone or something then maybe I'll change my mind.)
(Until then, THEY'RE USELESS!! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!)
(I'd make a great Queen of Hearts.)
(Or Donald Trump, I use the phrase, "You're fired!" daily.)
(Maybe even hourly.)
(It's a gift.)
I want to do lunges but my left heel, my right pinky toe and my left knee hurt. It hurts when I'm just sitting and doing nothing. I popped some Ibuprofen (800mg) and I'm still waiting for it to kick in... I probably feel the drowsiness before any pain relief but, on the bright side, at least I'll get to sleep sooner!
AND, I keep getting fever blisters and cold sores.