Monday, March 15, 2010

So-oh-oh. So-oh-oh. So-oh-oh Funktafied.

I've started this post about 20,437,349,234 times today. (That's an exact number.) (I counted.)

And here I go again.

I've been in quite a bit of funk since... it's been too long, I may just be funky at this point.  I'm trying to get back into gear, the weight-loss gear.  I have some new guidelines for myself.

  • 3 meals of 300 calories, 4 hours apart.
  • Keep the meals relatively balanced.  This means protein, omega-3's, calcium, veggies, fruit, fiber and whole grains and not 300 calories of only one type of food.
  • Try and avoid food that I know will trigger me.

That's it, just those 3 guidelines, I can't even call them rules as life is constantly throwing curveballs and being all rigid just freaks me out and I do something that makes my jeans tight again.  My jeans are tight. On Friday night I binged, it never starts out as a binge, one more just kind of multiplies and turns into a might as well.  Bread is not so easy to purge, I know this but as I said, my binges are rarely premeditated events.  

I don't know how long I was bent over, snot & tears running down my face, finger probing my dry achey throat and nothing more than acidic saliva soaking my hand.  I thought I was controlling the situation and it's why I said, "onward with the binge!" with my finger pointing to the heavens and I ate sumore.  When the excess calories were stubbornly defying my beckoning fingers, panic set in and the reality of the situation nearly dropping me to my knees.

I wanted to cry my eyes out, I wished for the days when I used ipecac and puking was a sure shot. (Don't worry, I can't get my hands on it any more-not even on the internet.) (Not that I've tried...*cough*) I considered taking shots of vodka but I wasn't sure how effective it would be, thre are extra calories and I didn't want to end up blacking out.  I went to the kitchen and chugged glass after glass of water until my stomach felt like it would rip open.  I shook around hoping the water would get underneath the food so it could surf on out of me on a wave of water.

It worked.  Mostly.  I puked until I was exhausted but I knew it wasn't all out of me and my prior (failed) attempt already zapped much of my energy.  The result?  Gain.  The next day I ate too much and kept it down.  Gain.

Yesterday, I tried.  It was real efforty.  I followed my guidelines and even after my last meal, I almost, almost, made myself another bowl of steamed veggies but I DIDN'T!  I made a pot of decaf instead. Unfortunately, there was no exercise involved and my laziness did not go overlooked when I stepped on the scale this morning.  Gain.  I am disgusted with myself and despite feeling super bloated and fat this morning I really was shocked to see the number go up, I thought it would be the same as the previous day.

I didn't know what to do today.  Binge and purge?  No, I can't risk not being able to get it all back up and what if my body hangs on to all the food I eat after I purge?  Shall I fast?  Nah, I already knew it would lead to disaster.  No fast.  So I just stuck to the guidelines and hope for the best. 

I can't keep doing this to myself, to my body.  In the times that I've lost weight and maintained the loss I did it the old fashioned way.  Sort of, I guess counting calories really isn't "old fashioned" but eating healthy and balance and restricting is how I've seen results that last.  It's so annoying, I want to be disciplined enough to not eat or exercise until I collapse.  It's just not me.  Short cuts end up taking me the long way, one step forward and two (or 7) steps back.

I'm going to take the safe & sure route.  I went to the grocery store(s) today to buy things that will satisfy me and my cravings in a smarter, Hungry Girl-ish way.  This is how I use to be, I would always find some kind of low cal way to eat more or less what I wanted.  I'm going back to that, I'm fully stocked.

I was gonna get Better 'n Peanut Butter and I had to put it back because I just love the stuff and before I know it, the whole damn jar is gone.  I guess I'm not normal because I've never been a huge fan of peanut butter and if you expect peanut butter when you try this, you probably won't like it.  But if you think more along the lines of a super creamy nutty grainy spread, it's delishus!  I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I love the diet foods better than I like the regular ones; fat-free tastes better to me but it backfires when I'm in the binge situation because even some diets foods are triggering for me.

So...let's think...what else can I write about that you don't give a *@&# about?

I know! I know! I've been reading the books TrueBlood is based on and they're pretty darn good!  I was thinking about the whole vamp thing and how Americans are uber obsessed.  While I was reading, I realized that being a vampire would mean no more calorie counting, scales, exercise or wrinkles.  You're body remains as it was when you died; dieting and botox need not apply.  Every single day I hate the image in the mirror because I wish it were better and I know that if I exercise and eat right it can be. The scale controls my mood each day as do the calories in meals I've eaten and yet to eat.  My whole life seems to revolve around food and body.  Take food and body out of the equation and what would I be left with?  What would consume my thoughts then?

I'm not sure but if vampires do exist I better not run into one until I lose 20 pounds.  

Just sayin'.


  1. I love reading your blog. I literally wait and wait until you have a new post. Not stalker-ish haha. Oh! But I've been having the same binge.. try to purge.. purge some.. binge.. not purge.. gain.. gain.. it's hell.

    xoxo distortedperception

  2. Ha ha, this post made me laugh, because I've thought the SAME thing - gee, if I run into a vampire now, that'll be terrible, because I've got to fix all my flaws first before I become vampireized. How funny.

  3. im sorry to hear that youve had such a rough couple of days. what matters now that is that youve made a plan and are strong enough to turn this around. i know you can do it!we all go through those rough patches(im in one right now) but what really counts is that we are strong enough to pull ourselves up and get back on track. reading this post about how determined you are really pushed me forward and helped inspire me to do better today as well. :)
    oh and my heart skipped a beat when i saw you have a picture of eric from the true blood series on here. im so in love with that guy!*drool*
    stay strong

  4. :D funny, i had EXACTLY the same thoughts today but because of vampire diaries (don't even know true blood yet ...)

    haha. really, exactly the same thoughts.
    would be good, being a vampire, huh?

  5. I agree, trying to throw up bread/pastries never seems to work for me, no clue why!! grr it's frustrating. But I'm trying to leave purging as my last resort cuz I found out it's been damaging my glands in my throat causing them to swell.. and resulting in my face puffing up (chipmunk-like) :'(


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