Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Sad Truth


I'm puking again, I thought it was over; I thought wrong. (Evidently. Sorry toilet.)

The weird part about all of it is that I don't really feel bad about it.  This past month or longer it's been misery trying to suppress the desire and now I feel strangely calm about it all.  I suppose this could be the honeymoon stage of the relationship between Ed and me, only time will tell.  It feels right, right now.  So eff it.  The numbers on the scale do not please me and whatever, however to change that is the way to go from where I'm standing.

I suppose it is only a "sad truth," as my title suggests, if you are seeing the puking as a bad thing but oddly, I am not sad about it.  Do I wish I could not be sad and struggley not puking? Sure I do, but 3 years ago I opened a can of worms and right now I'm just gonna go with it because it doesn't feel wrong and I'm tired of fighting.

3 comments:

  1. Been here many times before.

    I hope you stay "safe" about it, though.
    Becareful. Recently, I had to go get an
    MRI because of what puking was doing to
    the pressure in my head. I hope you are
    able to tell yourself to stop before
    something serious happens.

    Don't let it hold you down again.



    Taylor

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  2. Sighhhh
    I only went a week without, but after my minor puke yesterday and my resolve to do better today, I completely lost and have binged and purged away an afternoon. I have a headache.

    And I agree that it doesn't feel bad. Lulu told me to think of how good it felt to be a week free of purging, and how much better that was than binging. But the truth is, it DIDN'T feel good, it felt like a chore, something I knew I HAD to do but didn't want to do. I still know it's something I have to do. I still don't want to.

    I hope I'm ready to try again tomorrow.
    Purging has been so easy the last two days after a week off, but it will quickly change, and then I'll be back in heel.
    Fingers crossed.

    xx

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  3. Fluuusshed... I know how you feel... dnt know what to say.. congratulations on u and Ed rekindling your romance? Bad Bad girl for giving in? Do what u want?
    Just hang in there i suppose...

    I know ive been gone for months and this is the first time i checked blogger in ages but when I saw your post I had to say something..
    lol we should totally meet up for coffee sometime.. we have sooo much in common xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete

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