Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Operation: De-Miafy

I'm on my 3rd day of Operation: De-Miafy and all is well and good. After more than a week of nonstop bingeing and purging there is a method of escape without excessive weight gain that is tried and true for me.


(Stop wiping your eyes, you read correctly.)

I binge on fruit and vegetables. I have LARGE bags of frozen fruit and vegetables from Costco and am stocked up on Almond Milk (40 cals per 8 oz), eggwhites (gotta get that protein!) and salad mix. There are other items but the basis are these; and a billion zero cal extras to spruce things up. It's de-lish! I'm doing my Slim in 6 DVD every other day now. And (I think-judging by what I see in the mirror) I am losing. (WIN!)

This is always the method that I resort back to; it is the method that seems to always work for me. And then processed food happens...and it's downhill from there.  I believe last time it had something to do with those damn protein bars that are beyond delicious. A protein bar here or there in a weeks time, maybe. Protein bars for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks? Notsomuch. (Oops.) Same goes for bread, chips...etc. Fruits and veggies are the route for me!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Mind Mazes

Disclaimer: this is long and ranty...it started of with an intention (which I no longer remember) and ended up being more like a minor lost in a maze of underground tunnels trying to find his way out by digging new ones and finding others and going around in circles....case in point.

If you manage to get to the end. Thank you and give yourself a hug and a thumbs up for me (perhaps even an applaud).

My mind is all clouded with conflicting desires. On one hand there is a bottomless pit––emptiness––and there is the food I try to fill it with; on the other hand is a craving to be thin. And, there, towering behind me is Bull Limia whispering into my ear. It promises me that I can have both, eat that, puke it, pop those pills and exercise. "They say it's wrong, Flushed, but for you, for you it's right. Doesn't it feel right? Everybody does things behind closed doors that are judged harshly should it come to light. We all have secrets. We all have things that they frown upon but what do they know of you? Only you know you."

And in my other ear another voice whispers to me. She is the epitome of health. "Do not pollute your body, Flushed. You only have one. Treat it right. Listen to your body, it knows best. Your body will wants to be thin and healthy, just as you want."

I listen to each, noting their points. Assessing the situation at hand. There is nobody home, nobody to disturb me nor entertain me. What is "healthy" anyway? Healthy is fruits and vegetables and exercise, right? What's so wrong with puking anyway? Too much food is bad for you, right? Not fitting into your jeans is bad for you. Fat clings to me longer than with the smell of regurgitated food. I can forget the episode in the restroom, the empty food bags, boxes and dishes piled high in the kitchen with a flush, a brush and simple household chores.

No eating doesn't seem to be an option for me. It only leads to a less thought out binge (read: worser decisions). If I let hunger roll into starving healthy food loses it's appeal. My body overrides my mind and devours all food, junk or healthy, without avail. Puking only gets rid of so much. The body absorbs calories regardless. For this reason I binge on healthy and low cal diet foods. I figure if my body does absorb calories the majority of it will be fat-free or complex. The binge may be volumous, but imagine how many more calories would be in the same amount of space with Doritos, Cheez-its, Pizza and Brownies.

The difference in the binge food, whether it is purged or not, is noticeable. When I consume junk food it leaves me feeling shitty. There really is such thing as a junk food hangover; I've experienced it. There have also been studies showing that sugar, processed food and well, the things that are generally found in unhealthy foods are addictive. Folks, I have done the research, I also found this to be true. I noticed that when I binge on junk, the more alluring it becomes, and the more likely the binge will be repeated and the proportions greater. It is a spiral of doom. I feel sluggish, depleted, defeated, and all the other yucktastic adjectives; and I always seem to gain. A gain A LOT!

It is not to say that bingeing on the healthy food does not make me gain or have me feeling sluggish. The degree of the effects are less with healthier food. Even my resolve the next day is better. The nutrition thins the fog of It. The fat-free and low cal diet food make it that much easier to zip up my jeans the following day. If I do it right and exercise, the jeans may even slide on a little easier than the day prior. I feel in control; a calm from the stress that weighs heavy on my mind. It makes it easier to smile when it is easier to hide, when there is a little less guilt of it all. It doesn't feel wrong when it's done this way. 

It is them that makes it feel so wrong. Those people that say it's disgusting and wrong and a disorder. But it doesn't feel like that to me when I do it "right." Just because the outside world seems to agree that it is wrong. Is it really? Or is it what our culture has taught us? The same culture that teaches us that thin is beautiful, brainwashes us with "doesn't being bad make you feel so good" when flashing images of luscious brownies topped with vanilla bean ice cream and drizzled with chocolate syrup followed by a commercial advertising the newest diet pills and "eat what you want and still lose" weight-loss programs. It's all mindfuckery that those people are feeding to us in any multi-media vehicle they can get to us. It's unescapable, the tv, the radio, the billboards... Is that not wrong? Is that not disgusting?

Bulimia is not healthy but neither are Doritos, Dreyers Ice Cream and muffin tops. There are links to cancers, diabetes and the like. I have a fucked up relationship with food and weight but is being concerned with it and worrying any worse than not worrying? Is becoming obese with high blood pressure, clogged arteries and a sweaty beast healthier than throwing up my food and having swollen glands and acidic breathe? No. I think the implications of a high weight are much worse than those associated with bulimia (I'm not touching anorexia...). Needless to say, I am aware of food and weight and the effects of it on my body.

My awareness is both my virtue and my vice. Those that are unaware tend to live in a world of lies. "Ignorance is Bliss" they say but is it? I watch my family members pile on cheese on their tacos and already cheesy beans, go for dessert, forgetting the chips and guacamole they noshed on before dinner was even served, and all the while they are sipping on calorie laden drinks (read: guzzling bottle after bottle of beer). They complain about how they can't get rid of this weight and they don't understand it (they've been good by having a yogurt for breakfast and chicken caesar salads for lunch), and how their doctor tells them their blood pressure and cholesterol levels are high. Mine are great, I go to the doctor and the test always seem to come back spectacular. I answer yes to exercising regularly and trying to eat healthily (all true) and my low blood pressure is associated with athletic people but come face to face hand to mouth with dessert or a serving of beans with a little cheese on them and my heart and mind go into overdrive.

If a magic entity gave me the choice today of ignorance or awareness, I would choose the latter. With the latter I have the power to change. With the latter I do not wonder why the scale goes up, I know. I can face the culprit again and know the consequences of indulgence now and high numbers later. 

With the whispers of Bull Limia and Healthy in my ears I try to teeter between the two. Balancing the scales. I like Healthy more, I hear all the truth in the words of Healthy but it is not a see-saw at a playground that I am standing on. There is not just 2 sides of this push and pull. There is the reality of my environment taunting me. The reality that tries to brainwash me with its catchy phrases and enticing me with its mouthwatering images to suck the decimals out of my bank account. The environment of tortilla chips with guacamole, pizzas and red velvet cupcakes because that's what people eat, apparently. The attitudes that they eat normally and I am not because my plate is covered in lettuce and vegetables and the soda I drink says Diet on it.

I am not saying that I am normal. But I question what "normal" truly is. Normal is what society does. Normal is doing as others do. But normal is very different from right and wrong; and "right" and "wrong" is tailored to the individual just as normal is. In this ED community of bloggers I am normal because I fit in with the majority. But the community as a whole is a minority in society, thus abnormal. I cloak this behavior to society so I can fit in a little better. I run to the community to pour my thoughts and  actions to light, I can be myself and feel accepted. In this community, my behavior is normal and thus, accepted while those people are not.

If my environment would have aligned with my aspirations of thin would I have felt "normal"? Would I have found IT? If staring me in my face were the choices of Healthy would it have drowned out the whispers of IT? 

What if I am the one who is "right"? I can see the mindfuckery attacking my thoughts each day and when I give into them I am trying to rectify the situation. Our culture and environment may scream "normal" but it is not right.

I don't think bulimia is "right" but I do believe that society is "wrong". I am trying to fight it. I am trying to choose healthy and when I don't I panic. I don't want to be one of them. To me, being one of them feels wrong. Healthy is right, I can feel it in my body. My environment seems to be against me. To be "normal" in society is confusing, it is always twisting and turning, pushing and pulling. 

I just want to go with what feels right to me. I would rather be healthy than bulimic. Sometimes being healthy is an obstacle; society, my environment, culture and, mostly, my emotions seem to be against me.  At those times listening to IT feels like the best choice.

Today I am putting forth effort to take on the obstacles and be healthy. I find this is the best way for me to get out of IT. I eat vegetable and fruits all day and thus do not feel the need to purge it. It is a sort of detox I suppose. I stay away from processed foods, even if they say "diet" or "low-cal" on them and opt for the goods that Mother Nature (and pesticides) has so graciously given us an abundance of.

It seems like, "Duh Dumbass! If this is what works for you than why do you keep finding yourself in this damn spiral of regurgitating food?" 

The answer is this: Pure Laziness.

I'm sure you've noticed that it is much easier to open up a bag of chips to munch on, and it is faster to heat up last nights fat filled leftovers; and less dishes and mess than to cut up vegetables or make your own healthy dish. It goes even further back that this; at the supermarket. It's so much faster and cheap to roll through the cereal and bread section than pick out pretty fruits that are not bruised and finding fruit that does not show evidence of the many miles it has travelled to get to your grocery store. When you are tired and just want to get home and eat, it seems like you have driven 2,343,232 miles and trekked through fields of orchards and climbed ladders to reach that piece of fruit. And then you get home and have to eat them in a timely manner before they rot (you know what they say about "one rotten apple...").  Of course, all this time and effort is completely worth it because fruits and vegetables and home cooked (healthy, low cal) treats are totally worth it but damn....I'm lazy!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Frazzled on the inside. Stoic on the out.

Hi y'all! (apparently I'm a hick today.) (just go with it)

Want to play a game called Guess Who's a Big Fat Failure?

Me neither.

And I don't want to play Where's Fatso? either, so don't ask.

Well, now that we have that all cleared up I wanted to update you all on what is new in my life!


Absolutely nothing and since there is nothing new to tell, I'll just regurgitate the usual. I am suppose to be writing an essay right now and being the Skilled Slacker that I am, I'm blogging instead. It's not the best use of my time tonight (obvy, writing a kick-ass essay would be) but it's a step up from eating (read: bingeing) and purging. Though, in all honesty, this is precisely what I would be doing if my cousin would just leave already. Don't get me wrong, I love the dear girl to pieces; but this dance of disgust is a solo affair. Some may say it's a good thing, but my stress level, sidelong glances towards the kitchen and carbacious cravings beg to differ.

I want that calm. As the minutes roll by I am getting more and more anxious. I feel bat-shit-crazy stirring inside me. Or perhaps that is my vegetable food baby floating in diet cherry 7up? Either way. I want to blow.

Monday, July 19, 2010

My Choice Today

I stepped out of the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and when I came back into the restroom to spit I was halfway bent over the toilet when I realized, this is not a purge. Funny how quickly bad habits are born so quickly and easily. Funny how that is not funny at all and how I bet you didn't really expect it to be despite the use of the word "funny" because the figure of speech rolls off the tongue so often that it has lost all of its meaning.

Thank you all for your comments. You are right in that my actions do reinforce my Thought Monsters and also in that I should do what makes me happy. However, since my Happy seems to always come with a warm side roll of self loathing with a saucy glaze of Secrets I suppose for now I'm opting for the less fattening dish.

Bulimia doesn't quite mean what it use to for me. I am numb to it. Kind of like the men that work on dairy farms aren't affected by the smell of cow shit. Not that it smells good or bad, it just is, it's part of the job. Basically, I'm a fickle little bitch. Right now I feel like, "Fuck it, this is how I'm rollin' right now" and maybe tomorrow I'll feel like, "omg! why did I ever start this mess!"

I find it interesting that when I just accept how I feel about something, it really doesn't bother me so much anymore. I am bulimic and I don't like it but right now it's working for me. It calms me. Perhaps tomorrow it won't but who knows what else tomorrow may bring? (No really, answer me! If you know a good psychic don't hold out on me!)

Today I went to school and I wasn't wearing my usually hoodie to cover up because even though my pants are not the size that I would like them to be, they fit again. 

I like it better this way.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Double Edged Sword

For a while there I was doing pretty well. My non-purging streaks could be counted by months rather than days or weeks. As far as bulimia goes I'm not sure I would use the word "recovered," but I do think that I was on the path. Of course, EDNOS remained, polluting my thoughts. Dizzying me with calorie counts, diets and that ever appalling image of myself in the mirror.

Today is my fourth day straight of purging. There has not been any changes in my life big or small. Aside from a growing appetite and the tightening of my jeans, of course, there is just me getting more and more disgusted with myself. I am now back in the habit. The habit that, should others know, would render them almost as disgusted with me as I am of myself. But this dirty little secret I share only with you.

Though the dollars I've dropped... nevermind–let's just say the grocery store has been like a second home to me as of late–complete with rent. On the upside my habit is serving me for the better waist-wise. More specifically, thigh-wise, my thighs are still too close for comfort but they are not at war for the space between them. Nudging each other rather than pushing and shoving with each step I take. I have the low-cal [and expensive] foods that I've been exchanging my unemployment check to thank for that.

I'm in limbo. I know the path I'm going down is wrong, unhealthy, blah, blah, blah but is this just who I am? Or is it an intruder in my mind showboating to distract me from my regularly programmed schedule (that is make me fat, mind you).

So which is the lesser of the two evils?

Friday, July 16, 2010

Mind: Fucked.

There are some truths about myself that I neglect on a daily basis.

  • I am not normal.
  • I am not in control.
  • I am not healthy.
There are also some facts of life that I pretend I can transcend.

  • Time does not stop.
  • Healthy food can make you fat.
Everyday I wake up and swear that it's going to be a good day. That I'm going to eat healthy and stay within a reasonable amount of calories on up days and below 500 calories on down days. I eat breakfast, something small and low cal. I eat more only minutes later, or hours if I am lucky. I tell myself that I won't have any more. I tell myself that I'm just going to nibble on this and that will satisfy my craving. It doesn't. It didn't yesterday and it didn't this morning, and likewise, it will not later or tomorrow. I am not normal. A normal person can have a few bites of something and stop. I cannot. I am not in control. When I am around food it is all or nothing. I cannot have just two bites, nor can I have just two servings. After one bite I will eat food in it's entirety. A whole bag of crackers. The container of Hummus. An entire bag of vegetables. A carton of eggwhites. And no matter how "healthy" or "fat-free," eating the it gone will inevitable result in a bloated belly, tight jeans and panic. At this I want to barracade myself in my home, ignore my phone, people and personal hygiene until I become beautiful and skinny. But apparently, time does not stop.

I keep waiting for that morning where I wake up and food, weight, and body image do not plague my thoughts. I keep waiting for the moment when I can feel full and stop eating without it eating at the corners of my mind all day and bingeing later.

And then I realize, this may never be. In time I may develop new habits that may be considered healthy but no matter my actions, the disorder is in my mind.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Frustration Hation

I'm frustrated at constantly being frustrated and it's all very frustrating.

Know what'm sayin'? (Just smile and nod.)

I was just thinking (I tend to do this often, remind me when I'm filling out the "Hobbies" portion of something to write down "thinking") and reading blogs (I refuse to write this one under "Hobbies" it's my dirty little secret) and it occurred to me that it has been over a year and I'm wearing the same damn clothes. They get tighter and then fit and back again in some crazy loop. Not to mention the bingeing and the purging and the self loathing and the thinking about bingeing/purging/food that is, as we all know is the common thread we can call Ed. (I know, that rhymed. I'm awesome. Take a minute and bask in my awesomeness.) (Go ahead, you know you want to.)

All this madness! And I'm still in the same clothes which means I haven't gotten huger or smaller. Seriously? I'm such loser–actually no, not a loser (since this is a weight game) but a...a..I'm a complacent? Whatever. Point is, I suck y'all. My minds all screwy and body is all lumpy, bumpy and jiggly. That's only a good thing if you are made of gelatin and in a commercial with Bill Cosby. It's not cute when you are made of cellulite and have to like be alive and stuff.

Life's not fair.

I was reading the blog Beautiful Relic and she something about not really fitting into the community because she can't join in out little rat race fun (read: misery) of wanting to lose 10 pounds (or however much) because she's already past her UGW and is now in double digit numbers. And y'know why she's not in out the rat race? Because she just fucking does it. She's not into all the gimmicks and trickery. She's a doer. And also my Hero of the day because she's a doer. And she's funny.

So I want to be a doer too.





So anyway. I was just think about all this thinking I do and how I'm not doing anything. (Except thinking, I do do a lot of thinking) (I said do-do! XD) I am still doing this Alternate Day Diet. Well...I been alternating 500 calorie days and eating too much days. So...the latter clearly needs work but at least I'm sticking with the former! AND in my kinda sorta in a way defense, I was on vacation! And thus I was lacking in nutritious food since America wants me to be fat so they hoard all the good stuff ($12 dollars for 3 pieces of lettuce and a cherry tomato?! Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! You're dead restaurant business.) (and then they offer you endless fries and a bucket of Ranch dressing for free. wtf America? Double You. Tee. Eff.) and so I came home void of nutrition and fell victim to the Evil Binge Monster!

Tomorrow is a Down Day but despite what we call it my spirits are soaring high about it! I went grocery shopping today and got all sorts of low cal things and I washed all the dishes because I know that a messy kitchen makes me feel yucko and Yucko tells the Evil Binge Monster and all hell breaks loose!

Bad News Bears.

Recognizing this pattern I took steps to set myself up for success!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Vacay-shunning myself

Alone for the 2nd night in a row in a hotel room whilst my family is out drinking and enjoying each others company. I'm here out of town because quite a few people spent the past couple of weeks doing their best to convince me, trying as they could to appease my every worry. I'm here alone in this room of my own choosing. Last night dinner was at a seafood buffet so thankfully, my vegetarianism got me out of that mess! Bulimic at a buffet? Sweet jeezus. Tonight dinner was at a mexican restaurant, despite efforts to convince me to go here I sit. My dinner would be paid for. They would have waited for me to get ready. Paid for my cab to come back (I told them I wasn't feeling well). 

All because of calories. I'm still doing the up/down diet. Yesterday, I ate nearly over 2300 calories. Today the damage is roughly 521. Each drink is about 100 or more calories and in a family of alcoholics? 1/2 my calories today was from alcohol. Which isn't too bad...except for the whole anti-social bit. As much as I hate that I'm being anti-social, I know I would hate being out. I would hate myself for every bite, every drink...uncomfortable in every movement I make because I'm fat. My clothes are ripping at the seems (and not in the fashionable sense). And I would be too self conscious and too self-loathing to have any sort of actual fun. I would end up being a downer on the whole night.

All because I'm fat.
All because I have to try weird diets because I'm fat.

There were most definitely times today when I wanted to cave and just have something. Maybe I'll just have 1200 cals today... maybe I just won't count the calories in the alcohol... I didn't cave because that's how I got this fat to begin with. Enough with the "maybe" and "tomorrow for sure."

Today. Today is what counts. The upside to this diet is that I can ease my mind by reminding myself that tomorrow I can eat. And as long as I eat smart, being nutritious and balance, that the urge to binge won't happen.

Think thin TODAY everyone!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Operation: Healthy. Mission: Impossible.

The world of dieting, nutrition, health, science and weight loss is thoroughly exhausting. I read a lot of health blogs and every week there is new and different information constantly contradicting each other. I suppose it's like anything in life.

My conclusion?

None of us truly know what the fuck we're talking about. That being said, I'm just going to do my own thing and live my own way. This is not to say that all the information out there is false or true. I am certainly not disreguarding any old or new information. What I'm saying here is I will read what catches my eye, I will listen what grabs my attention, I'll apply my Brain Skills and decide whether I think this info is valuable or not.

What brings me to this rantragious post is that I heard about this new diet. The up/down diet. It basically consists of alternating calories, one day up, the next, down (as the title suggests). So 500 calories one day and the next a reasonable amount of calories. On the "Up days" you are expected to "eat as you like with out overeating." Now I don't know about you all but SIGN ME UP was certainly my first thought. 

I read the website. I googled and read message board with mixed reviews as to the "healthiness" of this diet. Some claiming that it is a dream come true. While other think of it as a part-time anorexia diet. All I have to say is: Whatever Bitches. I'm trying this ish.

Some diets fit better into my lifestyle than others. And this one sounds like something I can stand behind. So here I go on this new diet. So far today I've had 530 some odd calories (I really wasn't measuring, just guestimating).

So after reading how anything and everything under the sun has the potential to kill me, my new goal in life is to die skinny. (this really isn't anything new. pretend with me, will ya!)

I will be going out of town for the weekend so this should be interesting. I'm sure I will be fine 2 of the 3 days at least! On Saturday will be my "Down Day" so staying to 500 calories will take a bit of effort. Between salads, a protein shake and coffee I think I'll make it just fine!

And I may also be meeting a fellow blogger! SQUEEE!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Boredom Alert

I'm a bored whale. It's that other Tuesday again and so I was up and out of the house early and am currently bumming wifi from Panera and drinking all their coffee. (And trying desperately NOT to order anything else. I'm hankering for some Black Bean Soup.) 

Does anybody remember that commercial where the people wear their breakfast? Like this lady walks up and has two big ass donuts on her ass? That's what I keep envisioning when my eyes veer to the right and there are enormous bread loaves sitting on racks.

So many different sizes and shapes coming through here. The fitness fiends. The I'm trying to be good...this place is healthy right? people who then proceed to find the most fattening sandwich on the menu. And then the fat folks. They order either the tiniest thing on the menu, or the entire left side of the menu. All or nothing.

I dont even know what I'm babbling about anymore... I'm bored and losing my mind. I'm pretty sure it's turning into lard. My go-to entertainment people are like Sleeping right now or something! 


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Maybe One Day I'll Get Tired of Failing...

and actually succeed. (cue: *gasps*)

Momentary lapse of judgement on the puking front?


I mean, I've got to admit that spewing does have a calming effect on me. I can go so far as to say that it feels good. To lose weight, however, it has the opposite effect on me since I am a notorious binger. So not only do I not get enough of it out, what does stay down (albeit, quite stubbornly so) seems to take up resident on my hips and thighs 
E! Mediately.

Oh yeah, and apparently it's a pretty disgusting habit.

Also, the puffy glands, red eyes, vomit breathe on top of my already chipmunky cheeks? Notsocute.

Ergo, I'm trying not puke anymore.

I'm just gonna try to restrict by buying all the low cal goodness that I can find. Plus vegetables. Plus Fruit. Because these are also (mostly) low cal goodness.

I'm also continuing my exercise regime with the Slim in 6 DVD's. I'm doing the second phase, today will be my third day on it. I'm hoping this time I will be able to do the entire thing without pausing. Twice. That's right, I paused TWICE. (Don't judge! At least I'm trying!) Again, I can see my body changing but due to the excessive binging it's not, I repeat NOT getting smaller. With that, I'd like to say that I am not nor have I ever claimed to be anorexic. I'm just an excessive (failing) dieter with bulimic shadow haunting me and a desire to be thin. The desire for food, however, is evidently winning as of late.

I downloaded some software off www.cnet.com so I can get the vids on my iPhone (they're borrowed). Also, Power 90>Fat Burning System might possibly be my next DVD endeavor, but I might just bite the bullet and check out J.Michaels 30 Day Shred.