For a while there I was doing pretty well. My non-purging streaks could be counted by months rather than days or weeks. As far as bulimia goes I'm not sure I would use the word "recovered," but I do think that I was on the path. Of course, EDNOS remained, polluting my thoughts. Dizzying me with calorie counts, diets and that ever appalling image of myself in the mirror.
Today is my fourth day straight of purging. There has not been any changes in my life big or small. Aside from a growing appetite and the tightening of my jeans, of course, there is just me getting more and more disgusted with myself. I am now back in the habit. The habit that, should others know, would render them almost as disgusted with me as I am of myself. But this dirty little secret I share only with you.
Though the dollars I've dropped... nevermind–let's just say the grocery store has been like a second home to me as of late–complete with rent. On the upside my habit is serving me for the better waist-wise. More specifically, thigh-wise, my thighs are still too close for comfort but they are not at war for the space between them. Nudging each other rather than pushing and shoving with each step I take. I have the low-cal [and expensive] foods that I've been exchanging my unemployment check to thank for that.
I'm in limbo. I know the path I'm going down is wrong, unhealthy, blah, blah, blah but is this just who I am? Or is it an intruder in my mind showboating to distract me from my regularly programmed schedule (that is make me fat, mind you).
So which is the lesser of the two evils?
I wipe with Sarcasm and Words That I Make Up because I'm awesome and my words are better than Websters. (Yeah I said it. Suck it Webster!) I'm the Word Generating Mastah! Bwahahahahaaaaaaa!!! Truth isn't always pretty but who says it can't be somewhat mildly entertaining? (The premise of all reality TV. I rest my case. And I need a gavel cuz I'm The Decider and I decided I'm right.)
no, its not who u are, its a behaviour. no matter how much it does consume u, ITS NOT YOU!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely an intruder. Push that intruder out, and you'll be so much happier, love. I know it's hard, but i also know that you're strong enough to do it. Stay strong, darling. You CAN beat this!
ReplyDeleteYou need to do what ever makes you happy, my dear! <3
ReplyDeleteI won't tell you what to do.
ReplyDeleteBut I will tell you that you must do what you have to. Don't cage your desires. I did that, and it made me terribly unhappy. That's just my advice.