Friday, July 16, 2010

Mind: Fucked.

There are some truths about myself that I neglect on a daily basis.

  • I am not normal.
  • I am not in control.
  • I am not healthy.
There are also some facts of life that I pretend I can transcend.

  • Time does not stop.
  • Healthy food can make you fat.
Everyday I wake up and swear that it's going to be a good day. That I'm going to eat healthy and stay within a reasonable amount of calories on up days and below 500 calories on down days. I eat breakfast, something small and low cal. I eat more only minutes later, or hours if I am lucky. I tell myself that I won't have any more. I tell myself that I'm just going to nibble on this and that will satisfy my craving. It doesn't. It didn't yesterday and it didn't this morning, and likewise, it will not later or tomorrow. I am not normal. A normal person can have a few bites of something and stop. I cannot. I am not in control. When I am around food it is all or nothing. I cannot have just two bites, nor can I have just two servings. After one bite I will eat food in it's entirety. A whole bag of crackers. The container of Hummus. An entire bag of vegetables. A carton of eggwhites. And no matter how "healthy" or "fat-free," eating the it gone will inevitable result in a bloated belly, tight jeans and panic. At this I want to barracade myself in my home, ignore my phone, people and personal hygiene until I become beautiful and skinny. But apparently, time does not stop.

I keep waiting for that morning where I wake up and food, weight, and body image do not plague my thoughts. I keep waiting for the moment when I can feel full and stop eating without it eating at the corners of my mind all day and bingeing later.

And then I realize, this may never be. In time I may develop new habits that may be considered healthy but no matter my actions, the disorder is in my mind.

9 comments:

  1. I understand what you mean. The same thing happens to me. I'm terrified to eat because I will eat everything. I'm sorry you're feeling bed :( Let me know if there is anything I can do!

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  2. I have the exact same problem as you. All or nothing. :(

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  3. I used to have that issue.. but I told myself that if I just got into a habit of eating normally, I would be fine. It worked for me. But I have to be careful what I eat, always filling things, I don't eat toast or crackers or muesli bars because they never make me feel like I've eaten anything. And I have to rememeber that it will ALWAYS be there later if I really want it.

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  4. Flush that was such an honest posting it actually made me emotional because that is exactly how I feel about food/my state of mind, but I've never been able to express it so clearly. I'm struggling to find a balance between starving or total binge mania. It's hard though, but if so many girls here on blogger have been able to do it and reach their goals weights than I think we can too! Try thinking positively, it's the only thing that gets me through my rough patches when I realize what's really going on xoxo

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  5. We can never escape our minds. :(
    And, if I am being brutally honest, would I really want to?

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  6. Yoo-hoo...yes, you. I have tagged you for a blogger award. Because. I can. And you are awesome. ;)

    Also, I know it seems impossible to imagine, but we can un-rut ourselves if we have the motivation to think even 10% more healthy thoughts than unhealthy ones. I think it builds up over time, the accumulation of healthy thoughts begins to have power and build up momentum. We just have to keep adding to the pile of good ideas on a daily basis while not increasing the bad ideas.

    I think? At least, that was the way I quit drugs/alcohol/SI and I'm trying to use it to relearn how to eat, too.

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  7. i have that too, all or nothing. i have it with food, people, drugs, alcohol, just about everything i like. and man, it makes life friggen difficult. i go to therapy and twelve step meetings. these help. 'it' will always be there, less so when i ask for help....:)

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  8. your actions can help to cut back the obsession, it's a horrible, disgusting parasitic relationship we have with food (& our bodies) - keep fighting the behavior you want out of your life. Don't let it bring you down, there is a way to find a little balance & we'll get there...eventually

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  9. OMG I understand this completely.

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