I'm frustrated at constantly being frustrated and it's all very frustrating.
Know what'm sayin'? (Just smile and nod.)
I was just thinking (I tend to do this often, remind me when I'm filling out the "Hobbies" portion of something to write down "thinking") and reading blogs (I refuse to write this one under "Hobbies" it's my dirty little secret) and it occurred to me that it has been over a year and I'm wearing the same damn clothes. They get tighter and then fit and back again in some crazy loop. Not to mention the bingeing and the purging and the self loathing and the thinking about bingeing/purging/food that is, as we all know is the common thread we can call Ed. (I know, that rhymed. I'm awesome. Take a minute and bask in my awesomeness.) (Go ahead, you know you want to.)
All this madness! And I'm still in the same clothes which means I haven't gotten huger or smaller. Seriously? I'm such loser–actually no, not a loser (since this is a weight game) but a...a..I'm a complacent? Whatever. Point is, I suck y'all. My minds all screwy and body is all lumpy, bumpy and jiggly. That's only a good thing if you are made of gelatin and in a commercial with Bill Cosby. It's not cute when you are made of cellulite and have to like be alive and stuff.
Life's not fair.
I was reading the blog Beautiful Relic and she something about not really fitting into the community because she can't join in out little rat race fun (read: misery) of wanting to lose 10 pounds (or however much) because she's already past her UGW and is now in double digit numbers. And y'know why she's not in out the rat race? Because she just fucking does it. She's not into all the gimmicks and trickery. She's a doer. And also my Hero of the day because she's a doer. And she's funny.
So I want to be a doer too.
...
*crickets*
...
Tomorrow.
So anyway. I was just think about all this thinking I do and how I'm not doing anything. (Except thinking, I do do a lot of thinking) (I said do-do! XD) I am still doing this Alternate Day Diet. Well...I been alternating 500 calorie days and eating too much days. So...the latter clearly needs work but at least I'm sticking with the former! AND in my kinda sorta in a way defense, I was on vacation! And thus I was lacking in nutritious food since America wants me to be fat so they hoard all the good stuff ($12 dollars for 3 pieces of lettuce and a cherry tomato?! Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! You're dead restaurant business.) (and then they offer you endless fries and a bucket of Ranch dressing for free. wtf America? Double You. Tee. Eff.) and so I came home void of nutrition and fell victim to the Evil Binge Monster!
Tomorrow is a Down Day but despite what we call it my spirits are soaring high about it! I went grocery shopping today and got all sorts of low cal things and I washed all the dishes because I know that a messy kitchen makes me feel yucko and Yucko tells the Evil Binge Monster and all hell breaks loose!
Bad News Bears.
Recognizing this pattern I took steps to set myself up for success!
I wipe with Sarcasm and Words That I Make Up because I'm awesome and my words are better than Websters. (Yeah I said it. Suck it Webster!) I'm the Word Generating Mastah! Bwahahahahaaaaaaa!!! Truth isn't always pretty but who says it can't be somewhat mildly entertaining? (The premise of all reality TV. I rest my case. And I need a gavel cuz I'm The Decider and I decided I'm right.)
What's the link to "Beautiful Relic"? I'd love to read about someone who is at their goal weight. That's amazing. And so inspiring.
ReplyDeleteUgh I HATE how hard it is to afford/find a healthy option and how ridiculously easy it is to eat crap. Like they're forcing it down out throats. Do they want this obesity epidemic we're facing. I'm not pro-nanny state but when it comes to food I think the government needs to step in and stop this insanity. Because it is total insanity and we're destroying ourselves.
ReplyDeleteWow, I would love to be past my UGW, even if it meant that I couldn't join the rat race. Just wow.
ReplyDeleteI am still wearing the same clothes too! I haven't bought new clothes in maybe 1.5 years... I need to lose some serious poundage so I can buys some SMALLER clothes for the fall semester. You can do it too!
I hate it when restaurants charge a bazillion $ for healthy food and nothing for fatty food... how is this logical?? I'm sorry that you had to deal with that :(
Tell the Binge Monster that I'll come kick his ass if he visits you again!
Stay strong :)
I have also reached my UGW(10days ago and still maintaining woopey) 50kilos but I am definetly not a *doer*... I an extremely self harming/destructive unhealthy girl whose best friend is Mia....cross your fingers I will get some distance of her the next two weeks when I am in spain with a yout travel organisation!=)
ReplyDeleteWe all have different weaknesses & strengths, unfortunately some of us have more scale damaging weaknesses - does that make sense?
ReplyDeletejordan (1:10am) and I were talking about it once, how she has no real issues not eating, but she can't find motivation to work out so sometimes she feels skinny fat, whereas I can't seem to stop eating most of the time, but exercise seems to come naturally for me. I guess the only way to be a doer is to find what fits your strengths best to help you lose weight. The gimmicks and trickery will only take us so far, but until we find/make the plan that fits us personally we'll just keep running around in circles.
running the rat race is misery, but looks like you are taking steps in the right direction!
Alas, that's the key to America's obesity epidemic. And it is an epidemic, and it makes me sad and embarassed to be an American because it is still so easily accepted as an "option" for health. And yet we complain about our vile bodies.
ReplyDeletePS:"I'm frustrated at constantly being frustrated and it's all very frustrating."
*Nods In Agreement*
I adore you and your blog.
I feel awful for many reasons. One of them being you emailed me and I completely forgot about your email. I'm such a bad friend. I KNOW you can do this.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really a doer. Perhaps a doodoo'er.
It's hard to explain myself. It's been a number of years that I've lost the weight. Dunno, there's a lot to explain. I ain't so good at that.
We all go through the yoyo shit. Elle is right about the epidemic of us being fattys if it costs a zillions dollars to become healthy. I have some money and I still chose not to spend it on healthy shite. Instead I buy techno/nerd toys. Either way, I find ways to waste money and yet to be healthy.
I feel the frustration too don't worry. After years of binging, purging, starving, and self loathing I am still the same weight (minus a few measley pounds) and wearing the same clothes. So why do I torture myself like this just to be average?? Its hard but its who we are.
ReplyDeleteI gave you award, again. I love to re-cycle you. I hope that sounds as sexual as I meant it.
ReplyDelete