Sunday, July 25, 2010
Disclaimer: this is long and ranty...it started of with an intention (which I no longer remember) and ended up being more like a minor lost in a maze of underground tunnels trying to find his way out by digging new ones and finding others and going around in circles....case in point.
If you manage to get to the end. Thank you and give yourself a hug and a thumbs up for me (perhaps even an applaud).
My mind is all clouded with conflicting desires. On one hand there is a bottomless pit––emptiness––and there is the food I try to fill it with; on the other hand is a craving to be thin. And, there, towering behind me is Bull Limia whispering into my ear. It promises me that I can have both, eat that, puke it, pop those pills and exercise. "They say it's wrong, Flushed, but for you, for you it's right. Doesn't it feel right? Everybody does things behind closed doors that are judged harshly should it come to light. We all have secrets. We all have things that they frown upon but what do they know of you? Only you know you."
And in my other ear another voice whispers to me. She is the epitome of health. "Do not pollute your body, Flushed. You only have one. Treat it right. Listen to your body, it knows best. Your body will wants to be thin and healthy, just as you want."
I listen to each, noting their points. Assessing the situation at hand. There is nobody home, nobody to disturb me nor entertain me. What is "healthy" anyway? Healthy is fruits and vegetables and exercise, right? What's so wrong with puking anyway? Too much food is bad for you, right? Not fitting into your jeans is bad for you. Fat clings to me longer than with the smell of regurgitated food. I can forget the episode in the restroom, the empty food bags, boxes and dishes piled high in the kitchen with a flush, a brush and simple household chores.
No eating doesn't seem to be an option for me. It only leads to a less thought out binge (read: worser decisions). If I let hunger roll into starving healthy food loses it's appeal. My body overrides my mind and devours all food, junk or healthy, without avail. Puking only gets rid of so much. The body absorbs calories regardless. For this reason I binge on healthy and low cal diet foods. I figure if my body does absorb calories the majority of it will be fat-free or complex. The binge may be volumous, but imagine how many more calories would be in the same amount of space with Doritos, Cheez-its, Pizza and Brownies.
The difference in the binge food, whether it is purged or not, is noticeable. When I consume junk food it leaves me feeling shitty. There really is such thing as a junk food hangover; I've experienced it. There have also been studies showing that sugar, processed food and well, the things that are generally found in unhealthy foods are addictive. Folks, I have done the research, I also found this to be true. I noticed that when I binge on junk, the more alluring it becomes, and the more likely the binge will be repeated and the proportions greater. It is a spiral of doom. I feel sluggish, depleted, defeated, and all the other yucktastic adjectives; and I always seem to gain. A gain A LOT!
It is not to say that bingeing on the healthy food does not make me gain or have me feeling sluggish. The degree of the effects are less with healthier food. Even my resolve the next day is better. The nutrition thins the fog of It. The fat-free and low cal diet food make it that much easier to zip up my jeans the following day. If I do it right and exercise, the jeans may even slide on a little easier than the day prior. I feel in control; a calm from the stress that weighs heavy on my mind. It makes it easier to smile when it is easier to hide, when there is a little less guilt of it all. It doesn't feel wrong when it's done this way.
It is them that makes it feel so wrong. Those people that say it's disgusting and wrong and a disorder. But it doesn't feel like that to me when I do it "right." Just because the outside world seems to agree that it is wrong. Is it really? Or is it what our culture has taught us? The same culture that teaches us that thin is beautiful, brainwashes us with "doesn't being bad make you feel so good" when flashing images of luscious brownies topped with vanilla bean ice cream and drizzled with chocolate syrup followed by a commercial advertising the newest diet pills and "eat what you want and still lose" weight-loss programs. It's all mindfuckery that those people are feeding to us in any multi-media vehicle they can get to us. It's unescapable, the tv, the radio, the billboards... Is that not wrong? Is that not disgusting?
Bulimia is not healthy but neither are Doritos, Dreyers Ice Cream and muffin tops. There are links to cancers, diabetes and the like. I have a fucked up relationship with food and weight but is being concerned with it and worrying any worse than not worrying? Is becoming obese with high blood pressure, clogged arteries and a sweaty beast healthier than throwing up my food and having swollen glands and acidic breathe? No. I think the implications of a high weight are much worse than those associated with bulimia (I'm not touching anorexia...). Needless to say, I am aware of food and weight and the effects of it on my body.
My awareness is both my virtue and my vice. Those that are unaware tend to live in a world of lies. "Ignorance is Bliss" they say but is it? I watch my family members pile on cheese on their tacos and already cheesy beans, go for dessert, forgetting the chips and guacamole they noshed on before dinner was even served, and all the while they are sipping on calorie laden drinks (read: guzzling bottle after bottle of beer). They complain about how they can't get rid of this weight and they don't understand it (they've been good by having a yogurt for breakfast and chicken caesar salads for lunch), and how their doctor tells them their blood pressure and cholesterol levels are high. Mine are great, I go to the doctor and the test always seem to come back spectacular. I answer yes to exercising regularly and trying to eat healthily (all true) and my low blood pressure is associated with athletic people but come face to face hand to mouth with dessert or a serving of beans with a little cheese on them and my heart and mind go into overdrive.
If a magic entity gave me the choice today of ignorance or awareness, I would choose the latter. With the latter I have the power to change. With the latter I do not wonder why the scale goes up, I know. I can face the culprit again and know the consequences of indulgence now and high numbers later.
With the whispers of Bull Limia and Healthy in my ears I try to teeter between the two. Balancing the scales. I like Healthy more, I hear all the truth in the words of Healthy but it is not a see-saw at a playground that I am standing on. There is not just 2 sides of this push and pull. There is the reality of my environment taunting me. The reality that tries to brainwash me with its catchy phrases and enticing me with its mouthwatering images to suck the decimals out of my bank account. The environment of tortilla chips with guacamole, pizzas and red velvet cupcakes because that's what people eat, apparently. The attitudes that they eat normally and I am not because my plate is covered in lettuce and vegetables and the soda I drink says Diet on it.
I am not saying that I am normal. But I question what "normal" truly is. Normal is what society does. Normal is doing as others do. But normal is very different from right and wrong; and "right" and "wrong" is tailored to the individual just as normal is. In this ED community of bloggers I am normal because I fit in with the majority. But the community as a whole is a minority in society, thus abnormal. I cloak this behavior to society so I can fit in a little better. I run to the community to pour my thoughts and actions to light, I can be myself and feel accepted. In this community, my behavior is normal and thus, accepted while those people are not.
If my environment would have aligned with my aspirations of thin would I have felt "normal"? Would I have found IT? If staring me in my face were the choices of Healthy would it have drowned out the whispers of IT?
What if I am the one who is "right"? I can see the mindfuckery attacking my thoughts each day and when I give into them I am trying to rectify the situation. Our culture and environment may scream "normal" but it is not right.
I don't think bulimia is "right" but I do believe that society is "wrong". I am trying to fight it. I am trying to choose healthy and when I don't I panic. I don't want to be one of them. To me, being one of them feels wrong. Healthy is right, I can feel it in my body. My environment seems to be against me. To be "normal" in society is confusing, it is always twisting and turning, pushing and pulling.
I just want to go with what feels right to me. I would rather be healthy than bulimic. Sometimes being healthy is an obstacle; society, my environment, culture and, mostly, my emotions seem to be against me. At those times listening to IT feels like the best choice.
Today I am putting forth effort to take on the obstacles and be healthy. I find this is the best way for me to get out of IT. I eat vegetable and fruits all day and thus do not feel the need to purge it. It is a sort of detox I suppose. I stay away from processed foods, even if they say "diet" or "low-cal" on them and opt for the goods that Mother Nature (and pesticides) has so graciously given us an abundance of.
It seems like, "Duh Dumbass! If this is what works for you than why do you keep finding yourself in this damn spiral of regurgitating food?"
The answer is this: Pure Laziness.
I'm sure you've noticed that it is much easier to open up a bag of chips to munch on, and it is faster to heat up last nights fat filled leftovers; and less dishes and mess than to cut up vegetables or make your own healthy dish. It goes even further back that this; at the supermarket. It's so much faster and cheap to roll through the cereal and bread section than pick out pretty fruits that are not bruised and finding fruit that does not show evidence of the many miles it has travelled to get to your grocery store. When you are tired and just want to get home and eat, it seems like you have driven 2,343,232 miles and trekked through fields of orchards and climbed ladders to reach that piece of fruit. And then you get home and have to eat them in a timely manner before they rot (you know what they say about "one rotten apple..."). Of course, all this time and effort is completely worth it because fruits and vegetables and home cooked (healthy, low cal) treats are totally worth it but damn....I'm lazy!