Thursday, December 30, 2010

101 Ways Gyms are Auw-Sum!

101 Ways Gyms are Auw-Sum!

  1. The weather don't get crazy. SoCal is breaking it's rain rules, it's rained WAY more than 4 days this year.
  2. You stay relatively clean. Mud puddles are only cool when you don't do your own laundry.
  3. People watching. Thinspo. Reverse thinspo. Men you want to drool over you. Men that make you gag. Grunty men. Women that look like men.... and I've only gone twice so far.
  4. Exercise classes. Even if you're not joining in, it's entertaining to watch from the treadmill.
  5. TVs and Fans on the machines. SPOIL ME! I LOVE IT!
  6. If I feel like working out late at night, I don't get head shakes & frown because I might get "stolen."
  7. Eavesdropping. So far Juicy Convos have been at a zero; but I'm hopeful!
  8. Stats and Consistency. I tend to lollygag when I go for walks looking at nature or Christmas lights but the treadmill ain't having non of that gag that is lolly. The slave driver.
And 93 more! I assure you they are just as applause-worthy as 1-8! If you're not hitting the gym, there is a wonderful world of sweaty that you're missing in your life!

The gym, in all is spandexiness does have a down side. People can see you. Yes, you read that right; and it's true. Looks of jealous, disgust, and lust must be properly poker faced. Wanna work out in the jammy jams? No. I mean, I guess you can, but I'll tell you right now I'm giving it all that I got not to call you out like, "SERIOUSLY!? JAMMAS? IN PUB-LICK?! No. Just no. Put some pants on! Or at least sweats that don't have  little snowmen and candycanes on them. INAPPROPRIATE!" (Just for the record, I have not encountered a Jammimal yet.) (But I'm hopeful!) I'm not sayin' you gotta be catwalk ready either tho, cuz then you're Bozo the Clown at a cocktail party. 

I digress.

People can see you, and these people may be people you know. And not all the people I know I'm comfortable seeing when I'm working the ponytail, sweat, and warm-ups. Especially if these people are people that is your back up image files of the mind in the "men you want to drool over you" category when there aren't any "men you want to drool over you" available for gazing at the moment. And they are your neighbor. AND! AAAAND!!! They know your mom who is the person you drag with you to the gym. ESPECIALLY! Especially when the body ain't Ferret Status yet. 

Alright. Real talk. Neighbor Boy has mowed his lawn sans shirt and nearly caused a park car to jump out in front of mine like some crazy car bunny hippity hopping down the bunny trail. Twas insanity! INSANITY I SAY!! Luckily, my car has a poker face and played it cool. I don't know about the portion of his body that is atop is neck but the rest of him is enough to make Inappropriate Thoughts haunt my mind. Suddenly, bow-chicka-wowow just pops outuva cake and invades guerilla stylie in the middle of nowhere. Who knew doing laundry could be so intense?

Too bad I'm too much of a shy dork to ever say more to him than "Hi." and "I'm good. You?" and not look directly at the muscles. Mmmmmm....musssscles....

In other things new and exciting. I'm a horndawg and need to get laid. Serious. These man muscles ARE RUINING MY LIFE! Or my concentration, at least. And actually that may be a good thing because I'm in a financial shit-hole and it's stanky. And my focus will be to look smoken hott ferret status (like I am in my "distractions") rockin my new boots and peeptoe heels that I got for christmas! :)

P.S. I'm drunk. Off of Man-Muscle-Lusting. 
(Try it! It's calorie free! No hangover guaranteed!)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Fucking mimosas

Fucking mimosas

I stumbled I to this shit backwards and before I knew anything I was chest deep and sinking. I am a fairly intelligent girl and can see how far I have travelled into this disordered land where I am at the center and the rest of the forcefield is a food filled bubble. Family and the rest of the world are a distant blur.

And then there are holidays where family is right in front of me and I [drink copious amount of champagne and] talk to them. Most of the conversation is rather arbitrary. Tonight it got deep. Like I was fighting off crying like a 2 month old deep because shit hit a nerve.

I've told my mom and Sis about the bulimia situation before but more than 2 years have past and I'm not sure that they think of it as any more than a phase that is in the past. My mom and Sis are not educated or anything and they have some difficulty sympathizing with issues that they have no experience with. They also have this illusion that I'm super smart and strong and can do anything I set my mind to... Like getting over bulimia maybe?

Course we all know in this small corner of the blogosphere that is not the case. And now I'm pretty certain that this is not the case with my family. One in particular. A cousin that is 5 years my senior and teaching high schoolers did some research on EDs after being confronted with a girls dealing with them and other addictions.

We got into a talk tonight that end up A Talk (ifyaknowwhatamsayin). She said I need to talk to someone, I see her logic, but sadly that is just not how our economy and culture work. I don't have health insurance...I have like bills and shit to pay. The last thing I'm thinking of spending money on is to talk to somebody. I need a job.

In the world it's get a job so you can live not save your mental health. As long as you are sane enough to hold a job and take a shower a couple times a week America dont give a fuck. Oh your crying on the inside cuz shit doesn't go your way? Walk-no-eat it off. Not happy? Nobody is really happy, whatevs, just pay your bills and it won't get worse. In the human sense we all know that a person who is content or not unhappy fairs better but in America priority 1 is pay your bills.

I digress, my cousin can see clearly that I have body dismorphia and am depressed. Also that I've got manlike issues with food...not sure is she realizes or not that I'm bulimic but whatever. There is enough suspicion there that if she doesn't already know she figure out soon enough.

I'm scared. I liked believing that nobody knew. Our convo was out in the open too so I'm not sure what people caught on to or if they even cared's still uncomfortable. This disposition is weak and pathetic and I am ashamed.

I want to be a healthy person but I'm just not sure that person is in me anymore. That ship has sailed and I'm left here stranded at the docks all alone.

Digression city anybody? You found it. Basically the conversation was upsetting and makes me want to avoid my entire family for the rest of my life! Or at least until I cam be a normal person. Which is basically in like 13 lifetimes from now so I guess that would make my next 12 life's in like china or Antarctica. Y'know someplace Mexican-Americans aren't interested in traveling to.

In other news I saw my ex boyfriend and that sucked cuz he's a hoodlum as loser and I have zero respect for him....basically I'm just mad at myself for even going for him in the first place cuz like...whoa Desperation City? Maybe. And bad fucking judge of character. I am such a stupid girl on so many levels. I couldn't even look at him. And I didn't cuz I'm not tryin to straight through up in front of people thats not cool. Instead I just smoked my cig (first one in year or two...or three?) and looked in the other direction like those lame ass trees down the street were unicorns that I had never seen before in my life.

It's a good thing I've got sarcasm and champagne or I'dov suicided outta this life already.

Wait. IS that a "good" thing? I just don't know.

PS this lost is the product of some bottles of champagne. So if it doesnt make sense drunk a whole bunch and reassess....or just drink some and you'll no linger give a shit and the word "sense" will be right along with "fart" when you were in the first grade and you'll just giggle and drunk some more. Either way.

PPS note in the PS that bottles is plural and I said some.

Sent from my iPhone.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Cosmos Better Get Their Shit Together

I'm pretty sure the cosmos were against me yesterday. Or maybe...maybe that was me against me. The ED me, that is. I knew I was gonna binge when I went to bed the night before. I like to plan a NomVom in the early hours of the day and stay away from food the rest of the day. I do the Nom and the Vom to get it out of the way. To stay in control, I guess. If that makes any sense to you. Furthermore, I knew I was going to run errands before the NomVom so that I could get some NomVom food.

But then something awful happened. And it's awful only because I'm ED, the half of my brain that is relatively healthy was excited about the phone call from my aunt. A cooking class of Martini's & appetizers...martini? YES!Let's do this! I'm pretty certain that Martini making is a Life Skill, so this class is crucial to my existence. But the ED part of me was not amused. Food with real ingredients, like sugar and not Splenda? Cringe. I'll have to *gulp* digest this real food? And this may have been kinda okay if I would have had time enough to NomVom what I had planned.

The original plan (post phone call) was to have a bite of something, make some tea, get ready, and distract myself until it was time to leave. About an hour, an hour and a half max. The original plan went to shit. My mom came home just when I was finishing up the purge of my mini binge. (Yes, I'm well aware of my Stupid Girl Status.) I only had time for a quick change and make-up touch up, the hair was a hot mess.

The food was a flavorful party in my mouth. And not just any ole party with a keg and Doritos. This party was like My Super Sweet Sixteen party on steroids. The Sidecar Martini & Blackberry Martini may or may have definitely been the 'roids. And they threw a curve ball; they fed us desert. This brown tart pie thing with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. O. M. G.

*le sigh*

If we would have gone home after that it might of been kinda sorta maybe manageable. But we didn't, oh no, The Cosmos were having none of that. We went to my aunts house were my Adorable Cutie Pie niece was and I binged. alvausbuaifvwahbf;w! Know what'am sayin'?

And then I purged. Yes, at my aunts house. The rest of the house was watching a movie and should they ask any questions, I could just say I had to poop. That's always my excuse when I'm in the restroom for so long. The purge sucked tho, which is not surprising. I was tense and didn't use the liquid tricks of the trade to help out heavy Vom.

So annoying!

In other news, I went Christmas shopping with my Mom on Sunday and we got practically nothing accomplished in the way of gifts but I did get 3 pairs of jeans. Ten dollars guys! Ten! So for the price of one pair of inexpensive jeans ($30 is my norm) I got THREE! I didn't try them on because I'm a pansy like that. I just eyeballed and grabbed a size 6. I was so scared to try them on but they fit perfectly. I'm glad that they fit cuz like.... a size 8(!) would be Crybaby Status. Size 7 is my okay, I can live with this [but I don't want to] size. But, of course, a size 2/3 would be Ferret Status.

I know some of you girls are aching for that zero or one but I'm mexican. I got hips, thighs, and a booty, size zero and the even the white boys would want to feed me a hamburger. Especially cuz I'm small on top.... I don't want people counting my bones through my shirt. Not sexy.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ferret Status up for the taking

I've been progressively poor for the past sinceIgotlaidoffofmyjobhoweverlongthatis and I had to make some cut backs. No more XM radio (bye bye Cocktails with Patrick). No more gym membership. No more iTunes. No more $15 dollar salads with half the ingredients special ordered out of it. No more drinking [at bars] (thank gawd for cheap wine @ Trader Joe's!). 

Okayfine, so the sacrifices have been minimal but like...whatever their SACRIFICES OKAY!

I have been wanting to go to the gym though. It's one of things that I considered getting it back and then just chalking it up to a necessity since exercise is good or something. Obviously, I haven't. I workout at home; DVD's, Stability Ball, Bender Ball, Resistant bands, and going for walks but it's just not the same. I'm lackadaisical by nature. At home I get distracted and bored... but at the gym I'm there to get ish done! I miss the treadmill that makes me keep a steady pace, the efficiency of the elliptical, the variety of weight machines, and the option of going to classes. There's no lackadaisical breaking at the gym. I get annoyed when I see people just sitting and not working out, so I continually remind myself to stay busy.

One of the reasons that I haven't gone back to my gym (aside from the fact that working out at home works) is that my gym is old. Around the time I left they were building a new facility next door but since then the construction on it has stopped and various locations have closed down. Bally's is going under, me thinks. L.A. Fitness and KO are the other two gyms near me but they don't cost $99 for a full year. I'm not even sure $99 would get me 3 full months.

But something fantastic happened today. After my mom and her boyfriend got back from breakfast he asked me on the low if I could look up how much a gym membership costs at L.A. Fitness cause he wants to get one for my mom... and ME! Since she needs someone to force her to go, and I'm that girl! So, I looked it up, gave him the figures, he gave me his credit card and VOILA! Me and Mom are members of L.A. Fitness (active Dec. 26) and it's paid for a full year! :)

I suppose many people may take offense if their sig other gave them a gym membership for xmas, but this man is practical when he buys gifts; and my mom has been wanting to go back to the gym, so it's kosher. 

I'M STOKED! I need to get back to going to the gym 6 days a week. I've already been looking at the schedule of classes I want to go to. Hip Hop, Pilates, Yoga-YES! 

F*#! off Penguin~! Ferret Status here I come!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hobby no bueno

I spent a lot of time at the grocery store today walking up and down the aisle picking up binge food, putting it down, then picking it up again to put it in my cart walking to the end of the aisle and then turning back to put it back on the shelf. I ended up getting loads of tea, some soy products, and *gulp* two boxes of cereal.

I was a little surprised when I was finished purging that the boxes are not empty. It's sad that I consider this progress, the fact that I was able to just stop and purge before it was gone AND that I didn't go back for another round. It was low on the VomNomster Scale.

I was thinking the other day of the NomVom and how fucking weird it is to eat SO MUCH food and what possesses me to do this! The best taste of food is the first couple of bites, The Nom is so not even about food. It's about feeling engorged, it's the automation of fork to mouth, chew, chew swallow-repeat. For some odd reason this is comforting to me? I need to find some new comfort hobby.

Hobby? Hobby. Bulimia is my hobby. Good lawrd what have I let my life become?!

I like to keep it real here in my little corner of the blogosphere. I'm not proud that I have an ED. I would love to think relatively normal about food, to be able to be around food and not have my thoughts go into a tailspin of fuckery.

Bulimia is like some shitty dead end job that I keep saying I'm going to quit and don't, I just keep going back. Well, off to bed. Gotta go to "work" tomorrow. : /

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Works for me.

Since the day after Thanksgiving I have been doing a low-carb, low-fat, and super duper sky high from the windows to the walls protein diet. I've been to Trader Joe's practically every day to keep this up since they are the only ones that carry the noms that are kosher and reasonably priced on my self made diet.

I've been trying to drink more water. I drink coffee and tea, and when I get a craving for something sweet I just make a cup of hot chocolate-only 20 cals!

Shopping List:
  • Eggs (Obvy, I only eat the eggwhites)
  • Spicy Ranchero Eggwhite Salad
  • Fat Free Feta Cheese
  • Eggplant Hummus (healthy fats & fiber)
  • Chickenless Chicken (I'm a vegetarian. This soy product has the least carbs that I've found so far)
  • Nonfat Greek Yogurt
  • Fat Free Cottage Cheese (actually I haven't bought this yet but it's on the list of "cans")
  • Somona Low Carb Tortilla (3 net carbs and lots of fiber. Y'all know what happens with excess of protein and no fiber >.<)
So that's basically what I eat. I spice things up. The Greek Yogurt I mix in Splenda and Cinnamon and sometimes flaxseed (healthy fats!) and I'd do the same with Cottage Cheese. I'm not into cottage cheese as a savory treat. I typically add pepper to things with hummus and feta. And my eggwhites are usually spiced with a little Ranch dip mix (I buy this one from WinCo that is delish) and the packet can also be used in Greek Yogurt if I want a sour cream-like ranch dip for a burrito.

I bet most of you are cringeing and gagging by now! I know my taste buds are fuck sideways but all that matter is that it works for me! I even eat those zero cal Walden Farms products, currently the peanut butter and blueberry fruit spread on my low carb tortilla. Those Walden Farms products do have a weird chemically taste to them but... um... they are ZERO cals! And it totes kills the cravy for a real fatty, carby and sugary PB&J. Sacrifices Ladies! I'm make them! And I love mixing and matching these foods to make a new combo. Like a wrap of Hummus, Feta and Chickenless Chicken or if there is no Chickenless then I'll just fold over the tortilla like a quesadilla with the Hummus and Feta spread and sprinkled evenly. And if I put in a pan the tortilla gets a little crunchy like a chimichanga. My cheese is feta and my salsa is hummus.  I'm a mexican with Mediterranean tastebuds I guess. 

I'm satisfied and it's working, in combo with the 30 Day Shred that I do 4-5 times a week my body is slowly smoothing out and maybe even getting a little smaller. Most of my jeans fit okay and I'm hoping that in the next week all my jeans will be fitting comfortably. Of course I want them to be falling off of me but gotta take it a day at a time. I already have trouble sleeping. 

At 4 this morning I had to eat a spoonful of hummus so that I could sleep. And my joints hurt. I'm hoping this is because I've been working out in the tv room instead of my carpeted bedroom and the impact is what triggering the pain. Although, I do notice when I consistently cut back in calories that my joints act up. Oh well. Fuck em. They don't hurt that much.

Must. Fit. Into Skinny Jeans!!!

Ferret. Ferret! FERRET!!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thankgiving and Thanx4nuthin

So Thanksgiving is donezo and I'm oh so thankful that it is!

My Thanksgiving was okay. We had it at my mom's boyfriends house so, of course, being home alone and anxious that morning I nommed and vommed beforehand. Dinner portion was fine but then came Pumpkin Pie. And after that, the pumpkin bread. And then I was like fuck it and I had more and then some more of the spinach artichoke dip. We've already establish that I'm a stupid girl whose stupidity leads to gluttony and fat pants so I totes get it if you just yawned right now and what's to come will not be a shocker either.

After an hour long drive home the food had digested. At least up to the pie and the pumpkin bread. When I got home I nommed and vommed again. I told myself it was okay. It was the Nom & Vom to end the Nom & Voms of the year.

Today is day 1 of the next 36 to start forming healthy and skinny habits. Buckle down and get ferret. Today was protein packed! I did want to exercise and maybe I will still but Mother Nature gave me a gift today and the gift was Misery. I don't know the criterion that the bitch considers to be a "gift" but I'm pretty sure it's wildly different from my own. Mother Nature can just keep that shit for herself. I mean, WTF! I don't even want kids, my uterus is just a waste of space. (Obvy, the vagina stays. SOME lady bits are Good Times.) It was me, protein, a heating pad and my baby blanky today. No thank you Mother Nature, I'm not grateful for you. At. All. (today.)

So although I'm trying to be all RingInTheNewYearAllSexay I ate ALL DAY LONG TODAY! Horrible! But then I calculated and to my surprise... 1200 calories. Not bad!  1200 is high but acceptable for me, though I'd like to keep it under 1,000.

In other news, the Thanksgiving wine was AMAY-ZING!!! This last weekend my mom, my friend and I hit the wineries and discovered this gem of a recipe. The wine is put in a crockpot and kept warm with spices and stuff. Warm wine didn't sound delicious to me either when the wine guy (Phil) had recommended giving it a try. I almost passed! So glad I didn't. My mom duplicated the recipe for Thanksgiving so I was in warm wine heaven!

Sweet Wine Goodness makes for a happy girl!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Gobble Grumble

Today is Thanksgiving in the States. Dreadful day. It's basically a communal binge. The difference  between bingeing today and bingeing any other day is that today is socially acceptable. Before ED Thanksgiving was what it was and the word binge wasn't used very often. I guess I grew with the times.

An interesting day for us bulimics. If I play along, to be perceived as a normal binge I would have to tone down the binge and to truly binge I would leave observers disgusted and in awe of the gargantuan amounts of food that I could stuff inside my body.

I guess I should get ready for the awkward day ahead. I'm late but I could care less. I don't even want to go. I would totes pretend I practiced a religion that didn't celebrate holidays but then I'd have to keep it up all year and... well, fuck that.

I already binged and purged this morning from anxiety.

I'm disgusting.

Oh well. At least there'll be wine to go with my whine.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Breathing some fresher air

I think about writing posts all the time but the actual writing part? Ya-NO. (Did you all forget of my StatingTheObvious Skills? Ikr!? Yes, I'm that good.) So there have been changes in me since my last update. I'm working on a social life. I'm exercising. I'm a Vominatrix. (Oh wait, scratch that last one it falls into the "Same ole" category.) And I've learned how to curl my hair with my straightener. (Mad. Skillz. I gots them.)

Let's work backwards shall we? Forward motion is so not my style. And then an extra step back for fun. Remember when I was bragging about how the Himalayas had relocated to my face? Well, somehow they moved backed to their original location. Obviously, they left a few souvenirs to remember them by which I promptly try to hide with make-up. And it works! There's a big difference of trying and doing and bygolly I done the damn thang. I've gotten compliments on my face! I have a glow or something (Shoutout: Sheer Cover and the bronzer).

Well, this non-Himalayan replicating face did a little dance, made a little love and inspired me to do my hair! (cue: gasp) Except for the dancing and lovemaking part that last sentence is pretty much true. I saw a tutorial on how to curl my hair with my straighter and because I have Mad, Mad Skillz up in this Heezy (or something) I did it! And like.... people noticed? And like complimented me! Just before this display of Mad Skillz came into play I was starting to chat a little more to my classmates (the notasdumb ones) so yeah, it was a little easier to notice and compliment me. It wasn't like BLAOW! quiet girl did her hair! No. There was foreplay.

(I may or may not have had 2ish glasses of wine prior to the start of this post.)

Also, one day I was like "WTF. What. The. Fuck. I'm fucking huge. A whale/hippo/walrus/elephant/blob and impulse bought Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I haven't been doing it like everyday and following the whole 30 day plan and junk but whatevs. I'm off my ass for 30 minutes a day WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?! And even with that I've seen improvement. I have some semblance of a waist again.

Another confidence booster? (Answer: Yes'm)

I've met a friend in class and we totally get along great. Like same sense of humor and all! She likes to be all active and like... do stuff.  Among them are things that I can deffo get behind such as wine drinking, wine drinking while studying, hiking, wine drinking while watching girly movies, and laughing at everything while drinking wine. So you can see the connection, yes?

She invited me out to a bar with her friends one night last week and I got a date! A real life date! At this point in my NONlove life the details are not even important! The smallest things matter. (Self-esteem: 5, Misery Bubble: 0) Like, little compliments here and there are like shockers to me. It took be by surprise at first, I thought I woke up to a world of mean sarcasm where a compliment means your fugly, like some weird spin-off of Mean Girls that was The Real Life Mean Boys of SoCal. After making friends, unhimalayafying my face, a few compliments, going out and people not hating me, displaying mad skillz, and a little movement, I'm thinking I'm not so bad? There's hope for me?

I'm only half joking. I know there is hope. I'm pretty sure I'm not that bad but with that comes effort. I feel like if I can look not ugly that I should put some effort everyday. I feel like if I can make friends then I should try. This clearly goes against my slothful ways. Does anyone else feel like the moon is spinning backwards? (Don't worry, I don't know what that means either ☺)

If I want change then I must change. I gotta work with what I have and that scares me. It's so much easier existing in the misery bubble, yet so much more rewarding to live in the real world. So I suppose I'm making the transition.

But I'm still a fucking Vominatrix of the Nom Division. Maybe one day I'll get promoted to Normal Appetite & Regular Digestion.

Oh well.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


It's 12:06am and my day has been wasted on this stupid presentation for Cinema that is like a fucking wild rainbow platypus chase. I didn't even get half of it done and just turned it in (by midnight) because I spent too much time and got too little out of it. It would probably have been a better idea to have not turned in anything at all (but that's rational talk. Rational need not apply here. That's right, mosey along Rational-there's no love in this club for you today). ACTUALLY, it would have been a better idea to say Fuck you to the assignment in the first place and studied for the two midterms I have to do tomorrow instead. Cinema being one of them. What a jackhole to have this presentation due during Midterms ON TOP of giving us a midterm. So I'm basically getting an F the presentation as well as bad grades (D's? C's?) on the midterms I'm taking tomorrow. AND I'm so angry and frustrated and tired right now if my cinema teacher were to be in front of me right now I'd go Zombie Beast on him and bite his head off (CHOMPITY CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP) and then go all Zombies Play Baseball and throw his head against a brick wall and say "STEEEEEEE-RIKE THREE YUR OUTTATHERR!" and then I'll Zombie Ninja his body in half (Hiye-YA!).

I may or may not be a little delusional right now.

Real talk tho, it is my fault and not my teachers. I should have managed my time better. I should have not procrastinated about studying and/or doing the presentation. I'm not so IamtheCenteroftheUniverse (even tho we all know that I am the Center of the Universe, and humble is a game I play to preserve delicate egos) to place my blame on others. I am really just angry with myself and my lack of responsibility and time management. Again, how have I managed this long!? These poor habits of mine. These faults. SERENITY NOW!!! (☜Whatever that means. I remember it from Family Matters.)

Also, I ate too much and in my potbellied remorse bought 30 Day Shred on iTunes (with a gift card) and half assed level one. I was pretty sure a couple times I was gonna puke, cardio is not my forte. Maybe that will change in 30 days? We shall see. The Slim in Six butt that I got wore off and now it's all sag and saddles (well, more so). Seriously, one look at my body is like InstaDepression! Know any happy campers? Show them a picture of my body and tell them it's theirs and WHAMMO! InstaDepression! Act now and you'll get a  T-Shirt that reads: Go fat yourself. FREE!!! Because fuck is a nice word in comparison and this shirt is mean like kerosene (just go with it). Think about it, I would could totally wake up the next morn sans guilt and remorse if I fucked the night before, but to fat the night before? No way Jose! That's a cliff jump waiting to happen! (I live in the valley, it's harder to find a cliff high enough in these parts and gas is just too expensive.)

Okay. I'm going to go dream now about Champagne (because this is what dreams are made of) and sexy men. Let's just hope no Wild Rainbow Platypus's appear or Cinema Teachers or Zombies or Zombie Cinema Teachers or Fitness Instructors or Umpires (cuz I'm the shot caller!) or my current body or little bubbles with the letter A, B, C, D, or E in them or puke cause that's just no sexy.

Steve Urkel and Ninjas welcomed. BYOB tho.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under

uh hah hah ha ha.

Remember that last post? All positive outlooks and uplifting? Me neither. But from you're super sweet comments I gather that the content was not in the drug through the mud mood. Have no fear I'm full of cheers! As in, clinking wine glasses "cheers" not that happy crap. Wine and whine, that's how I do. One or the other or both. The non-solids diet didn't last very long... and oh look who's back! Back again. Vomming is back. Tell a friend. DAMNIT! How'm I gunnah quitchyew? I just don't know.

Today, like most days, was bad in the eating arena. A friend from class came over to study for our upcoming exam and drink wine. Yes, that's how we roll. Winos unite! She came over around 3 and left at... 11? I was thinking our study sesh would be more brief. We study drink a bottle, MAYBE eat some snacks so we don't fall off our chairs, my mom would be home near 5:30 she'd leave around 6. I'd work out, do some more shit for other classes and sleep dreaming about doing inappropriate things to the men in the latest Cosmo Bachelors spread. And to all a good night.

A tub of hummus, a bag of veggies, a bag of pita chips, and a pizza later all I was thinking of was if it was too late to purge. All this and wine. All this, wine, and the eggwhite sandwhich (200) and veggies (100?) that were breakfast, AND the pumpkin cheese smoothie and almonds  AND cheese sandwich (135).

Oh yeah, and there was the sample of pumpkin muffin that I had at Trader Joe's.

I want to be healthy and thin gawdamnit! My actions clearly show that I do not want it bad enough?

All of me is at a constant tug of war. I know that healthy and thin is possible and achievable. I have been trying to eat a balanced diet but the size of my body pushes my brain towards irrational thoughts. Less would be better, it will think. And it pushes further, reminding me again of my body size and reminiscing of the food I have consumed, the calories that I have stacked against me. Vom and lessen that number. And since you are going to vom anyway may as well eat more. It won't count. It's like throwing the food in the trash except you'll actually get to taste it. It will be less of a waste.




I have this crazy mentality with food. A compulsion that I have to eat it now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not later. NOW! All of it. But that is what it is, a mentality. Mental. It's all in my head. I crave the future. Not just with food but with life. I hate now. I hate this moment. I hate myself and my life right now.

I went to my academic counsellor and I realize I am not going to be ready to transfer until Spring of 2012. I'm 25 guys. I'm old for school as it is. But it is worth it. I'm trying to accept that I'm going to be in school until at least thirty. Let's hope I'm finished by 40. Seriously, pray for me or something.

I'm wining and whining down now..... it's sleepy time. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and me and my life will be what I want it to be...  Do you ever just wonder how the hell you managed to survive this long?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dear Santa, I want a Time Machine. Kthnx.

"Acceptance says, True, this is my situation at the moment. I’ll look unblinkingly at the reality of it. But I’ll also open my hands to accept willingly whatever a loving Father sends me." 
--Catherine Marshall

I'm not all Father, The Sun, and Holy Spirit or however that goes but I liked this quote. We all know that I'm not pleased with my current situation, but the reality of it is that it is my current situation. I've asked the blogiverse for a Time Machine numerous times to no avail. Either somebody is holding out of me or the shit just don't exist. So I guess I'm gonna just have to deal with life until somebody figures out that "sharing is caring" and they need to care about me, the asshole. 

My big problem is I'm a thinker and not so much a doer. Good news tho! (For me, at least, notsomuch you-sorry) I have been managing to do little do's and cleaning up the edges of my withering life. Unwither spraying that shit so I can harvest and collect my coins. (Oh fuck, Kazehana you ruined my life with Farmville)

  • My room is livable.
  • I haven't purged in 7 days.
You would not believe how these two things are so amazing to me. These are two things that I have been enduring all summer. (Maybe even spring? Whatever.) To be able to sit in my room and not wanna fly the fuck off the handle is fantastic! It's far from the kitchen and I don't eat in here (though wine happens). It's been a big contributor to the 7 days that I've been sans the Vom Monster. 

Another, even larger, contributing factor to the 7 Vom free days is my new Smoothtastic Diet. Sorry chickadees but it's no weightloss diet. The Smoothtastic is the Pureed Status of my food before I eat it. Smoothies, Soups.... blend, blend, blend in the Magic Bullet it goes! No chewing. For some odd reason there is no desire to Vom the smoothie/soup and it's filling. Though I do overindulge still (I'm a gluttonous cow-but a NONVOM gluttonous cow, at least). I blame the combination of it's deliciousness and my boredom.

I try to be sure to get in protein and nutrients in the smoothies and I plan on cutting down on the portions so I can actually lose. Also, I'm hoping a side affect will be the shrinkage of the stomach. But for now it's Mission: NonVom so that's where my focus mainly is.

Speaking of focus, I need one. Something to feel passionate about. Kazehana has been playing a part-time role of my Life Coach or something to help me with my "Existential Crisis's." Her diagnosis is basically that I don't participate in life, which, of course, is absolutely true. Her prescription is to find something I'm passionate about to get my heart pumping and want to dive right into life. I was hoping for something along these lines: 

'Cept in 3D and brainwashed to worship me.
Right. So, if that doesn't happen (which we all know that IT WILL because the Universe is going to realize that "Sharing is caring" and that it cares about me so it will deliver me Mr. Sex-ay and we'll live passionately ever after on a vineyard in Italy with endless side salad of bliss and happiness.) I'll just have to distract myself with other passions in the mean time. 

First, I'm going to have to find some passions. Passions that don't involve food, vomming, money, or ruining peoples lives. Because food makes me fat, I'm going to look like a damn frog with the way my glands are always swoll from vomming, I'm broke, and ruining peoples lives is just mean. 

Any ideas? What are you passionate about?

Saturday, October 2, 2010


No matter what we do time moves forward. This seems to be a big issue for my mind; time. I read a quote on another blog.
"Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions."
I read that quote in class and realized that by reading blogs while I my full attention should have been on the movie we were watching that I was making a wrong decision. I read the quote several times over and turned a page in my notebook and began to write (nothing groundbreaking; I was sober). In the class immediately following the teacher was telling us how if we are not studying, we are wasting our tuition dollars. If we are not being assertive with our education than we may find the transition from community college to university all the more difficult.

Though I learn and get a lot from class (blog reading is only when the teacher is not actively teaching) I am nearly wasting my tuition dollar. I will find the transition to a University difficult. I am slacking. I cannot bring myself to write what is required, only when I am down to the last desperate minutes do I perform (and the performance is lackluster, at best). I want to write a great paper, hell, even a good paper would suffice. I want to be a good group member and contribute. Again and again my thoughts do not become actions.

My brain is a fickle fuck. When I am not thinking or learning of anything it craves learning. When I have the opportunity to learn I focus my attention elsewhere, on something more trivial like FB games (friend me I need more "It Girls" in my clique & neighbors to Farm, you harvest my crops I harvest yours? Or challenge me at Tetris, I'm a "Contender") or b/p'ing; keeping myself in limbo. I do enough to not fail, but not so much to where I can succeed.

My attitude towards life is worse than the one for school. I actually like learning. I don't care much for living. "Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions." Everyday, in my life, is just another day. I place no stock in today. I find that everyday I seem to make just about the same decisions as the previous day and think that I'll start tomorrow, or Monday, or the beginning of the month.

October 1st has come and gone and now it's almost 3am on the 2nd. I binged badly twice and half assed a couple of vom sessions. I did not exercise. I did not complete any homework. I did not respond to my friends when they texted me. I did not mingle when my family was over. Basically, today was the same as yesterday, and practically everyday the past few months. I am simply existing and going through the motions. My life is like a 3 day game of Monopoly, it is 3am and I just keep rolling the dice when it's my turn and hope soon this hamster wheel of a game–of a life–will just be over already. Or magic will happen I'll land on Free Parking get a boatload of money and my opponent will sell me prime real estate for less than half of it's worth. And then I'll go to the Monopoly Plastic Surgery center and get lipo, boobs, a new face, and a brain transplant. Then I'll go shop to excess, and be the 'It Girl' at all kinds of fun parties, and then I'll retire to pretty farm (with a winery!) and look up at the moon and stars and...and...just smile. The kind of smile that is with every organ, every cell in my body purely joyous.

Is that shit even possible? Is it even possible to be happy mind, body, and spirit? It's starting to be a concept that I can't even imagine. Even my daydreams seems lackluster these days. On the rare occasion that I do feel something/anything in my dreams, when I wake up I seem to be twice as miserable. What's happening to me? This is not a life. There are so many people who want to live and are dying, and here I am hating my existence.

My mom called me today telling me how she was buying me health insurance. My insurance through her expired yesterday because I'm too old. I did not ask her she just did it. She said that since I was paying for my schooling that she would pay for my health insurance. It's nice of her; caring. Can you believe I am not happy about this? There goes my excuse to not visit the doctors. There is the insurance that will do what it can to make me live, whether I choose to or not. There lies the guilt of wanting to die and my mom wanting so desperately for me to be well. There lies the guilt of my mom paying for something that she should not have to (that I don't even want).  There lies the feelings of failure that I am 25 and I am not independent. The fact that my disordered mind is tearing me away from... life.

Time passes and each minute that goes is gone. What will it take for me to make take that new opportunity; make that new decision, and step out of this hamster wheel. And with each passing minute I think why bother now when too minutes have already passed me by. What makes today any more special than yesterday? There is always tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Flicker of Light

I was greeted by a frowny faced mom last night who needed a hug. The shower in her bathroom has leaked to the point of a squishy carpet in the corner of her room. I didn't think too much about the situation, only cuddling up in my bed for a goodnight's sleep. I didn't realize the effect the situation would have on me until it was the middle of the night and I was trying to wash my hands after going to the bathroom. Not even a drip.

The water in our house is turned off, so preceding and following showers and flushing the lever controlling the water to the house must be turned up and down. As exciting as this all sounds, it gets better. When my mom got home she informed me that she is getting a whole new bathroom, which means that construction will be happening in our home for the next month. I'm sure you are well aware of how uncomfortable it is to have strange construction people coming in and out of your home. Especially, when it is in either the bathroom or the kitchen. 

Furthermore, since my mom's bathroom is being renovated she will be using my restroom. Which means, I'm going to have to be a little more conscious of the vomming that goes on in there. I go through so much toilet paper cleaning up after each spew. A MONTH. 

I suppose this is as good a time as any to stop the nom&voms. I really need to get my shit together. Yesterday there was a spark. Something to look forward to. My study buddy for one of my classes is applying to a summer camp in Italy. I WANT TO DO IT! I haven't had the opportunity to really look into yet (she only told me y'day, gimme a break!), from what she tells me we would be speaking English to the kids and there is an option to stay in an apartment or with an Italian family (I'd choose the family). The camp is during the week and on the weekends I'd be free to Rome. 

Wine tasting and Italians? Yes Please. In fact, I'll take a double.

This is the first thing I have looked forward to in so long. I can't even remember the last time I felt actual excitement of anything.

I want this. I will have this.

First things first. Gotta kick the bulimia. 

Also:  Must. Get. Skinny.

Oh yeah, and I need a job and find out what I need to get done to apply for this. I might need to volunteer with *gulp* children, and get CPR certified.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Nature vs Nurture. is loneliness my nature or was I nurtured into being this way?

My mom and I had the pleasure of babysitting my niece last night. A little bundle of fun! No joke, this kid did not shed one tear from last night and on through when she was picked up after 1pm today. She's a happy little girl. I can't even be sad when she's around.

My mom laid her down to sleep between us on the couch. We'd watch her randomly not realizing we were smiling as we did. (We haven't had a baby around 

"That was you." She said as she gazed at the baby (okay, she's like 1yr 3mth) with bubbly pink hearts gushing out her eyes like a cartoon. "And I was the same way with you." (Showering her with love and affection, and attention.)

"Hah. I wasn't nearly as cute and happy as this little baby." was my reply. I was serious, I can't imagine (1) that I was actually a happy baby, I've been miserable for so long the concept is out of my reach. And (2) and miserable little FAT baby is not cute. And I was a Fatso even as a baby. 

Mom scoffed, "Yes you were! You were just as happy and cute, and I think you even had the same little lips as her." 

"I doubt that."

"You were. And being with Bre reminds me of how it was playing with you. And when I see Sis with her, and how much she adores her, I know what she feels because that's how I felt with you."

It makes sense the things that I yearn for and have been without for so many years. I was happy and showered with love, affection, and attention. But then my mom was a single mom trying to get in all the hours at work she could to make the bills. She came home exhausted. My cousin (we'll call him Trouble) whom she had guardianship over at the time was a little hellion; he wanted to go back with his druggie Mom. Sis was a social butterfly getting into trouble that pretty little social butterflies do. And then there was me, this little needy thing always begging for attention, affection, and love.

I remember asking my mom to play and she would say she was too tired. I would draw her pictures and show her and she would say that's nice and brush me away. I would try and cuddle with her and she would say it's hot and push me away or "stop hanging on me." 

During the week I come home to an empty house, I would be in trouble if I didn't call her. If she called during the day and I didn't answer I would get in trouble. I was alone, with only the TV to keep me company. There was rarely any ready to eat food in the house, there was diet food that I was forbidden to touch (because it's expensive) but no healthy food, or at least I never knew about it. I would call my mom at work constantly asking if she was coming home yet "I'm huuuuuungry!" Even when we were together for a whole day I would get hungry way before she would.  I would be starving by the time we would eat.

I would spend the weekends at my aunts with my cousins, one would be playing softball tournaments and the other would be alternating between playing with me and being cruel just to see me crying. She was jealous because I was the baby of the family. She told me one year at christmas, "Before you were born I used to get the most presents." I just wanted my mom. On the weekends. During the week. 

When she's had a bad day she wouldn't want to pay me attention. When she would come home from work I'd never know what to expect. I guess I finally got tired of expecting a loving mom, I became the moody one. Really, it started when I was no longer allowed to go to my best friends house or be friends with her, really. She was two years older than me and "too mature," my mom didn't want me to get into boys. So instead of going to her house, I was basically on house arrest!

It was hard for me to make new friends. I was a spoiled and angry kid, of course, at the time, I didn't know this. And, the friends I did try and have, thier parents would have to do all the work of picking up and dropping off. We couldn't play at my house since nobody was ever home... I was basically a nuisance. Even soccer and softball practices and games, I would rely on other parents to pick me up and drop me off. I hated it. I wanted my mom to be like their moms... there, with me. 

When I was with her she would lecture me about behaving and blah, blah, blah.... afterwords she would say how other little girls were so good, pretty, and blah, blah, blah. I hated those girls. I wanted my mom to see me in that light. Acting out was counter productive. I tried. I was a brat, I threw tantrums, had random outbursts, and all it got me was the silent treatment and sent to the confines of my room.

I understand why she did it. She was doing the best she could. She was trying to provide for our family (work), she stressed constantly (work, bills, family, me & sis), and keep her sanity through it all (going away with her boyfriend). She was exhausted and stressed. I understand but... I can't help but feel the way I do because those were the years that I was learning and growing. Those were the years that shaped me into the person that I am today. This person that I hate, that I can't stand to look at in the mirror or in pictures.

I love my mom. Our relationship is obviously a lot different than when I was a girl. Our living situation is a lot different than when I was growing up. But those feelings of loneliness and isolation, that yearning to be loved, get attention, and have affection and NOT getting it stays with me. I'm used to that yearning. The minute I get a little more than I am used to I retreat, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to return it. 

I realized when I was diagnosed with Lupus how negative I am. I started seeing life differently. I wanted to be a positive person. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be enlightened.

I wanted to be happy.

I was 20 years old, I started changing through the knowledge I'd gained. My perspective was changing but the baggage of my life was still with me. My past is still with me. Including a newly formed eating disorder. I think maybe that's when I realized how rock bottom I had gotten. I smoked, I drank, I quit those and became obsessed with dieting, health, and losing weight. Then one day one slice of pizza changed it all. I couldn't deal with the guilt.

I knew, for sure, there was something terribly wrong with me that day. 

I started to seek out other perspectives. Surely, if I found out how to be happy then I would be okay. I started listening to spiritual teachers, some "kooks" but I decided I would give them a little credit. We all have our different perspectives, beliefs, and realities, why not give theirs a listen and take what I like and discard the rest. how there is negativity in the words all around me. In the teasing, the sarcasm... everything.

Then one day, some random spiritual guru was being interviewed in a radio show I was listening to and he said something along the lines of, if you are unhappy than you are on the wrong path. Like basically, you're spirit is telling you through this negative feeling within that you are not doing what you came to do on this Earth. And I started balling, I left for home in the middle of work and cried for 3 days.

I had every intention of quitting my job but I chickened out and continued on in this life... years later I am in a deep depression with suicidal thoughts. 24-25 years ago I was a happy little baby basking in love, affection, and attention; how far I've fallen.

In classes there is the constant topic of nature versus nurture. I believe "nurture" has a lot to do with my personality. Misery does not feel natural, but it does feel normal. When I'm smiling and laughing with friends that feels natural. I feel free.

Those times that I feel free and happy are 9 times out of 10 AWAY from my family. I cringed at the negativity in their words. I can hear all the criticisms I've heard about each of us. I can see the irritation they try and hide at certain habits of the person they are talking to. I can see all of their flaws magnified. I know too much about them. I've heard too much about them. I don't even want to imagine what they say about me. When I'm around my family I am more quiet and true smiles are sparse. i feel like a nuisance. I imagine all the ways that they will criticize me in conversations later.

But I don't know how to make friends and keep them. I am constantly isolating myself because it's safe. If nobody sees me then they can't criticize me.  (Actually they can and will, but lonely is my norm so it is what I retreat to.) I hate rejection so I reject the world. 

Has my "nurture" masked my "nature"? Paralyzed me from thriving in the world (or stepping outside, at least)? I was once a happy baby and then I was rejected and alone for years.

Whatever. Can I get a do over?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Hi There

It seems everyday I get a little worse. I think about dying. I think about killing myself. Lately, it's more the Just Do It approach, fuck the theatrics and drama. Just kill myself and get this shit over with. What am I waiting for? Some miracle to happen? Some sign that I should hang in there.... but for what? The only person that hurts me to think if they hurt is my mom. 

I spent the weekend in tears or choking them back. My birthday weekend. (It's prolly not surprising to you that I'm crying right now, is it?) (Don't answer that.) On Friday we hung out at the spa, got massages, and went wine tasting. I cried (discreetly) on the way there thinking of the bikini that I would have to wear in front of people and that I would have to eat and I wouldn't be able to throw it up. On the way home, again, I cried but the dam of tears was EPIC. The last 10-15 minutes home I was fighting to keep a calm and quiet breathe. When I got home I sobbed into the couch for a solid 20 minutes.

And then I b/p'd, of course. I felt more calm after that, as I usually do.

On Saturday (my actual birthday) my mom arranged to BBQ at her boyfriends house (he lives an hour away, he lives in a beautiful home too and all my family wants to see the remodeling he had done). I texted my mom early and told her I wasn't feeling well, and later that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to go and "have fun." She replied telling me that she had everything ready and would be "SAD" if I didn't come. She also sent me a picture of the Angel Food cake with low cal marshmallow dressing that she made decorated with fresh strawberries and blueberry and in the shape of my initial. She clearly put A LOT of thought into it. So I went. 

In the evening her boyfriend told me how upset she was and was crying, and how she put so much effort into the meal (grilled veggies & a salad) making that frosting so that it would be low cal. I felt sad that she went through that. I am such an asshole. I am an only child and I wish that she would have gotten a better "egg." 

She doesn't know what to do with me. She wants to make me happy but she's at a loss of what she can possibly do (nothing short of killing me and putting me out of my misery). She just goes another day and hopes it will get better, she gets happy when I smile and chatter all lively; a practice that I am getting more and more use to faking. But it all falls down when she sees a moist stream down my cheek when we cross paths at night. Or the nights where we are both being Chatty Patty's and suddenly I just burst into tears. Saying how much I hate myself, my life, and I just want to be dead already between sobs.

Sometimes she hugs me if I come of as completely vulnerable. When there is anger and frustration mixed in she might get mad and frustrated with me; as though I'm doing it to upset her and make her feel like shit. Sorry mom, apparently sometimes my depression is contagious? Either way. It's my issue. It's my depression. It seems I have come to the point where I am powerless against it.

Nobody around me understands so they discredit my feelings and just think I'm doing it to myself and/or being dramatic. I wish.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Below the Surface

I managed to survive the weekend without gaining weight. This is based, of course, on how my pants fit because the scale is more terrifying than the Boogey Man, whom we all know keeps millions up at night. I continue to NomVom, through the weekend and even today. The interesting part will be tomorrow when my friend comes over for drinks.

I will keep the Nomming activity towards the end of the visit so that I can Vom under the guise of a shower since my mom will be home. My tactics are getting bolder.

Last week my cousin spent the night. In the morning she showed no signs of leaving (as per usual, she likes to use my internet).  The plan was Nom&Vom. One problem: silence. She was on her computer and hadn't turned the TV on. I grabbed the remote and turning it on, commenting on how I needed background noise, "silence drives me crazy!" I finished the Nom and turned on the shower to further muffle the Vom; with the added benefit of a steamy shower. Smooth sailing.

Over the weekend, with all the chatter and the fact that the bathroom had two rooms, the sink area and then the shower and toilet area with the fan, noise was not an issue. I kept the VomNom's to about 3 times a day. The hardest one was the evening, but I still managed. Plus, we were drinking all weekend so if somebody did happen to hear me puke (which I doubt because they would ask, "you okay?") then they'd likely chalk it up to drinking.

The obstacle was the last day when we went to lunch with my dad. I wanted to get back so bad so I could get the MEXICAN FOOD out of me! All my energy went into seeming at ease, but we all know my heart was racing and my mind was frantic in trying to find a way to purge. So annoying. When I excused myself to the restroom my sister joined me. ARGH! I made sure to comment how I couldn't wait to get back and use the restroom. I always claim poop when I spend an extended amount of time in the restroom. 

I'm writing a whole post about puking, yes I am. Wow.

In other news, I'm going to be 25. Can you believe I'm that old? I'm struggling with it. Especially because I have no life. My mom took Friday off and has something planned to do for us (I'm hoping massages!) and Saturday, my actual birthday, nothing. I'm thinking I'll be spending the day wallowing in my own self-pity. What a sad, sad life I live.

This weekend being around my family was weird. I feel like such an outsider. Not all the time, but much of it. There is no comfort and ease when I walk into the room. I always feel like I'm interrupting a conversation if I sit next people or even ask to join in an activity. And I'm not all doom & gloom despite the tone the has been ever present in the blog (and/or how I feel!) I come over with a smile and try to pretend it's all easy-peasy and comfortable. 

The room is filled with a low roar, there is conversation, drinking and munching constantly going. I like when we DO things. On Saturday night we were playing Wii and had so much fun. We started off with karaoke and then played a dancing game. All of us were into it and having fun! (Yeah, I was the reigning champ in dance! 2nd place in karaoke.) I wish our get together were more like that instead of centered around food, drinking, and the fucking conversations that we have all the time. Okay, the drinking I don't mind.

I was hoping the funtivities would happen again, but there was nobody to initiate. We lack doers in our family. It seems like we have to be almost forced and nagged into doing things. Getting organized is so hard. Nobody wants to shut up for 5 minutes so that one person can explain something or organize. There is always a few side conversations going on. Always a "funny" comment, but the comment doesn't stop, a funny comment to the funny comment, and so on. I like that we can laugh and talk or whatever but I feel like our get-togethers are getting more and more redundant and less and less fun. 

We have the whole "the more the merrier" attitude but people don't want to just sit around with a bunch of drunks regurgitating the same stories. If we were to partake in actual activities (while drunk, of course) then perhaps we'd be a little more enthusiastic about these get-togethers and maybe even invite people! And MAY-BE these people might have fun and want to come back! And MAY-BE this will snowball and we might actually have MORE people and a MERRIER time!!?

Just a theory.

I just don't know where I stand. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fairly normal girl. Normal in the sense that people can chat with me and like me.  Normal in the sense that I don't suck at everything, that I'm actually pretty good at things. Normal in the sense that people actually want me around and enjoy my company.  But sometimes I feel just the opposite. Take all those things and flip it to the negative. And you know what is a catalyst for this type of thinking? That I can feel this way around family. If my own family merely tolerates me than imagine how people with no relation to me must feel?


Maybe that's why I pull away from people. I fear that the more they get to know me and learn about me the more they will not like me. I fear that they will think I am too weird to be associated with. Everytime I gain even the slightest bit of confidence something happens and it swept from under my feet. I feel like a monkey that slips on a banana peel every time I try to take a step forward. 

I was chatting with a fellow blogger the other day and bulimia came up. She told me that it would be awesome if I stopped again. I told her I'm afraid to stop NomVom. Admittedly, I'm not doing well. I'm depressed with suicidal thoughts, and I can not eat without bingeing and I cannot binge without purging. And so the cycle goes.

It may seem like stopping would make things better but I disagree. Bulimia is my gravity lately. Sure, with it I will be holding onto a certain amount of depression and solitude. At the same time, weight gain is a catalyst to depression and solitude. I am more willing to leave my house and interact with people when my jeans fit comfortably. I notice that overwhelming emotions are calmed with a NomVom. I am easier to smile when I don't like a blubbery walrus and I have some endorphins in me, which is released through vomming. 

I can't stop because I need this calm. 
I need my gravity. 
My gravity that keeps me just below the surface; 
but not deep enough to drown.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Vom & Nom Weekend

Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! The Vom & Nom, FamBam Weekend fiasco is now in session! I have been mom pressured into coming up to my cousins house for a family four day weekend. I'm not even 24 hours into it and I'm ready to hitchhike my way back home.

Last night we had Costco pizza and peanut butter rice crispy treats.
This morning I had a smoothie, a muffin, pb crispy treat, and yogurt.

There are 10 adults, 3 kids (9-12), and 3 babies under one roof. Good times. The personalities and the food require much toleration on my part, as I'm sure you ladies can imagine. On the bright side we all sort of do out own things. We eat sporadically for the most part since we all eat differently, my sis and her hubby are on a diet. It's well-known that I eat it's just a hodge podge cluster fuck of crazy.

I don't know how I'm going to survive this weekend. Keep nomming and vomming? Probably. I'm so use to my solitude. To be around so many people for 4 days straight has me feeling like I'm going to either jump out of my skin or go Ostrich and stick my head in the ground until it's over.


Let's see if hanging by the pool will effectively waste time. Maybe even go in, since melting seems to be the alternative.

*Vom all I can, but, of course, I always want more!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Lightning & Puke

Tic-Tac...Two? Baby steps. Can't just be all toe-ing around without Tic Tacs. (I don't know what this means either. But I felt it MUST be said.) I'm trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Maybe if I just go through the motions and start typing something of substance will emerge? Whatever, let the word vomit commence!

I had a very unproductive day, as per usual, but I didn't like get struck by lightning or anything so that's––well, actually, that would be pretty cool! In so many ways.

It would mean that there was a thunderstorm today, and it's summer, so the coolness is multiplied by 9. It always smells cool after the rain, which I wouldn't be enjoying because I'd likely be in the hospital or dead but everyone else can, so that's good. I would be dead. (Whoa, heavy for you, but I'd be all sunshine and apples or something, so this is happy thoughts for me so smile.) OR I would be in the hospital getting flowers and balloons, and who doesn't love flowers and balloons? And I'd be a lightning struck person which I'm pretty sure would make me pretty darn special, and land me a few scholarships.

This weekend I might be going out of town with fam, kicking and screaming. I really don't want to go. I'm a fatass, and this is the [de]motivating force towards activity. My moms birthday weekend, that week, AND last weekend just killed. I still managed to purge everyday, but obviously not NEARLY enough. I was consuming nonstop junk food and purge UNfriendly foods.

It's wednesday now, third day of purge friendly foods. Going this weekend would just mean being a fatass, and I just cannot handle gaining, and I can't seem to escape the all or nothing mentality. Hopefully by body will get use to the grumbly tummy feeling of purging all this week, and the thought of keeping anything down will keep me from eating.

Healthy. :-/

Are Doritos purgefriendly?

I'm at a crossroads. I teeter and totter on the see-saw between caring and not. Apart of me says fuck it stay home and binge and purge all weekend, because it's what I want to do and fuck it, I'm fat anyway. I don't want anybody to see me, I'm hideous! And then there is the little part of me that says just go. I'll no doubt be uncomfortable of my fat hideousity but no doubt there will be some fun sprinkled in there too. And then, of course, the added comfort that when somebody asked what I did over the weekend I won't have to fabricate something or other to hide my ED and keep the creep factor low on the radar. I am very away that bingeing and purging weekend after weekend (*cough* day after day) and nothing else is not normal and a decent reason to think I am a completely creepy weirdo. Like I peep in people's windows or kick puppies or something.

Okay, weird, maybe, but I'm not a puppy kicker or peeping tom!


Mellon, how do I get ahold of you? You can gchat me at

(that goes for anybody too, I'm pretty friendly...and ridiculous.)

Emily, ummmmmmm.... I'm trying? I would certainly like to be a stable person, harder than it seems. Message me, we can hash this shit out together! Or just be ridiculous. I'm pretty versatile...

Sarah - by a thread. :-\  And several bottles of Wine and Fresca. And Flushing. (Pun intended.)

A Will Is A Way - I heart you :) Let skip in a field of sunflower and sing at the top of our lungs!
Rain, rain, go away! You're making me cray-cray! I want sunshine, I want rainbows. I want to fit in tiny clothes! Enough with depression. Enough with puke. I'm so sick and tired of you!

Peridot - I'll give Petville a try, and I'll send you a damn genie lamp! lol Play tetris and Farmville with me :) FV is lame, but oddly addicting. And then let's play leap frog at the lily pond!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Distract Me from Me

Son of bitch! Everything I write is so.... UGH! It's depressing, not even like blue depressing but a lackluster grey that fades to black and I then erase. Which is precisely how I feel. Actually, it never quite reaches the black and erase part because that would basically mean that I cease to exist. And I'm posting so I'm either alive or a skilled ghost haunting this blog.

....cease to exist... that just sounds so... lovely, so much like a dream that I have every night. So much like the thoughts that's linger in the corner of my brain night and day, like some old alcoholic bar fly that has a cot in the back to plop her onto after she's blacked out. Only to wake up and do it all over again the next night.

I try to distract myself by diving deep into my thoughts, the corner opposite of where the facts of me and my life are kept. Philosophy, sociology, diets, television, Farmville... (Don't judge. Come friend me on Facebook [ ~ Lina Aria] and be my neighbor!! And challenge me in Tetris! I'll win.) ...but when all the crops are harvested and replanted, my eyes sting from the letters in the textbook, and only infomercials play on TV, I become painfully aware that I am... me.

I pass by the mirror and avert my eyes. I can't bare to see the reflection. My body, face, style (lack thereof)... the fat suit.... And then there is life. I have not even tried for a job because I'm afraid to show this hideous face of mine. I'm sure my work clothes would look disgusting and tight; and out of date. I will be rejected. I will sit across from strangers who will ask me question that they themselves could probably not answer if the roles were reversed. Every cell in my body will be screaming and tantrumming it up, down, and all around, while I try to reach for some semblance of an answer to appease, maybe even land me a job, all the while trying to maintain a calm exterior and keep my voice from sounding like there is a wild lily pad pond infested with toads, flies, and tumbleweeds. (Yes, tumbleweeds. It's my analogy, accept it or click away! Oh wait...that probably happened at sentence two...oh well.)

My personality is unstable. I am sarcastic, witty, positive, negative, smart, ditzy, depressing, ridiculous, ....I could go on for days... in a word, I'm moody. I'm all over the place. Most people don't see this clearly. I try very hard to seem like there is life inside of me, and when I lack the energy to put on the show, I am quiet, force a weak smile, recite one of the many excuses I have (school, rough weak, I've got to do this or that....stress is around every corner) and then I escape. 

Damnit! See! DEPRESSING! This is why my posts are so far between (though I still keep hoping to catch the swing and get back into the rhythm of the keys beneath my fingers). Sorry.

Life is sucking the life out of me.

I don't make sense.

You love it.
(no you don't.)

I love you more :)
(this is true.)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Insane in the Membrane

This body of mine is oh so frustrating. It never fails to amuse (read: infuriate) me how much more puke there is inside of me than I food I remember eating. Also, the worst foods always seem to be the last and most stubborn to come up. I typically make a point of eat food that is low calories, healthy and longer to digest (like vegetables) first and as my binge progresses the healthiness of food I eat decreases. Junk food like cookies, chips, or some other high cal food I save for last.

I always figure the last to go in will be the first to come up. It's not. As much as I try to disillusion myself with this logic, the conclusion (i.e. the spew in the porcelain bowl) does not always prove this hypothesis. The stomach churns. The heavier food will likely sink to the bottom. The processed food will break up quickly and shimmy on down, down, down. Food, when mixed and mingled with the acids, saliva, and mucous in and on it's way down to the stomach will expand the foods that absorbs it. That bowl of tomato soup can end up filling a toilet bowl. The calories in the chocolate cookie that I ate last will end up the first absorbed. 

So frustrating.

Some days puking is easier than others. Sometimes when the puking is done I am calm and relaxed. Some times I want to go at puking again, sometimes bingeing again, and sometimes I just want a damn nap. There is nothing consistent about my puking other than the frequency with which I've been at it. Daily.

I like the calm. I like when I have no appetite afterwards. I like the feeling of the food escaping from my stomach and through my esophagus. I like the taste of food. The first time. But if I'm being completely honest, I'm not too bothered by it the second time.

I can't seem to eat with out bingeing. I can't seem to binge without purging.  I have no energy, no ambition. Anytime I think of things that I need to do I want to retreat inside the batcave with the kitchen and the restroom.

Saturday is my mom's 50th birthday and I have failed everybody. I have ignored phone calls and not done the tasks that I needed to. I dreamed up the plan and then left it for everybody else to make happen while I hide in my private vomitorium under the guise of school and... mystery?

Solitude and suicidal thoughts are on the rise. I am afraid of what will become of me. I think I am going insane. I stay away from people unless it is absolutely necessary because I do not want to burden them with my presence. 

I have no idea what to expect of Saturday. I am so afraid of the day to come, the thought of it makes me want to cry (yes, I'm crying) and be dead. If I'm dead than I don't have to live through the failure and disappointment.

I am thinking irrationally.

I know this.

I'm losing sanity.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I'm a dweebus

I thiiiiiiink I fixed it. I had all kinds of fort Knox security guarding that biotch!

(Lina Aria)

Or email me I can add you. Either way.

Sorry about the Area 51, Bermuda triangle status with bomb fields, motes, ninjas, jungles, dragons and the chihuahua. I moved my gold bricks to another premise so the FB is (*fingers crossed*) open for biznaz!

Sent from my iPhone.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Social Networks've Got Me By the Balls

So I now have a facebook (for Flushed aka Lina Aria...y'know, the REAL me!) and if you have one you need to friend me.'re getting sleeeeeepppyyyy, sooooo will follow the commands of allllllll that you are reeeeeeeeading.... You will friend on Faaaaccceeeboooook... you will acquire and maintain heeealthy haaaabits that will render your body thin and healthy, and your mind sharp and haaaaappyyyyyy....  you will send giftcard to the Apple store until your credit card is maxed and your bank account depleeeeeted.... when I type "snap" with some astericks instead of quotation marks you'll get to these commands ON THE DOUBLE!


I expect many friend request on Facebook from a lot of awesome people. (That's you. Reading this. Yeah, YOU!)

This message is brought to you in part by Kazehana over at Sudden Snow of a Cloudless Sky; she inspired me to join. We now continue with your regularly sporadical posting (both in mood and frequency).

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Drowning in a Sea of Depression

Disclaimer: It's all in the title. If you're looking for laughs move on sweet shepherd; Fluffy white sheep cannot be found here.

I find it ironic that this "Flushed" character is more me than I am.  Here on the internet under a veil of anonymity I can be me. It is not to say it is easy. There are times when I am self-conscious, embarrassed, or scared to post certain things. But again, I believe that this is me. There are times when I can't even bare to look in the mirror. There are truths about myself that I try and forget––stuff it into a little box in my mental attic and proceed with my regular programming. There are sometime where I want to cry at the mere thought of me. (This may or may not be one of those times.)

It may not seem that this is the case; my posts have been quite sparse as of late. In all honesty, this is paralleled of me in the flesh. I have checked out of the world. I tweet and reply to text that come from fellow blogesses (bloggers sounds too masculine). Those who I have clinked drink glasses with, however, their texts go ignored.

I am ashamed and embarrassed to be me. I bailed out on my friends bachlorette party because I am fat, ugly, and I cannot bare to be seen. To be spoken with. It's written all over me that I am depressed. I spend my days bingeing and purging; productivity is just a word in a dictionary. There is much to do. Too much. It overwhelms me. I am drowning in To Do Lists and I have no will to swim. Floaties only go so far. I'm just waiting to drown. I don't want to participate in this game called LIFE.

Everyday that I wake up I resent the fact that I am alive. A better person deserves my life. The people in my life deserve a better me. 

(I'm not going to go the suicide route or anything; it's just a thought I seem to entertain. I'm still hoping there is a rainbow and pot-o-gold waiting for this dark and dreary weather to pass. *fingers crossed*)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Operation: De-Miafy

I'm on my 3rd day of Operation: De-Miafy and all is well and good. After more than a week of nonstop bingeing and purging there is a method of escape without excessive weight gain that is tried and true for me.


(Stop wiping your eyes, you read correctly.)

I binge on fruit and vegetables. I have LARGE bags of frozen fruit and vegetables from Costco and am stocked up on Almond Milk (40 cals per 8 oz), eggwhites (gotta get that protein!) and salad mix. There are other items but the basis are these; and a billion zero cal extras to spruce things up. It's de-lish! I'm doing my Slim in 6 DVD every other day now. And (I think-judging by what I see in the mirror) I am losing. (WIN!)

This is always the method that I resort back to; it is the method that seems to always work for me. And then processed food happens...and it's downhill from there.  I believe last time it had something to do with those damn protein bars that are beyond delicious. A protein bar here or there in a weeks time, maybe. Protein bars for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks? Notsomuch. (Oops.) Same goes for bread, chips...etc. Fruits and veggies are the route for me!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Mind Mazes

Disclaimer: this is long and started of with an intention (which I no longer remember) and ended up being more like a minor lost in a maze of underground tunnels trying to find his way out by digging new ones and finding others and going around in in point.

If you manage to get to the end. Thank you and give yourself a hug and a thumbs up for me (perhaps even an applaud).

My mind is all clouded with conflicting desires. On one hand there is a bottomless pit––emptiness––and there is the food I try to fill it with; on the other hand is a craving to be thin. And, there, towering behind me is Bull Limia whispering into my ear. It promises me that I can have both, eat that, puke it, pop those pills and exercise. "They say it's wrong, Flushed, but for you, for you it's right. Doesn't it feel right? Everybody does things behind closed doors that are judged harshly should it come to light. We all have secrets. We all have things that they frown upon but what do they know of you? Only you know you."

And in my other ear another voice whispers to me. She is the epitome of health. "Do not pollute your body, Flushed. You only have one. Treat it right. Listen to your body, it knows best. Your body will wants to be thin and healthy, just as you want."

I listen to each, noting their points. Assessing the situation at hand. There is nobody home, nobody to disturb me nor entertain me. What is "healthy" anyway? Healthy is fruits and vegetables and exercise, right? What's so wrong with puking anyway? Too much food is bad for you, right? Not fitting into your jeans is bad for you. Fat clings to me longer than with the smell of regurgitated food. I can forget the episode in the restroom, the empty food bags, boxes and dishes piled high in the kitchen with a flush, a brush and simple household chores.

No eating doesn't seem to be an option for me. It only leads to a less thought out binge (read: worser decisions). If I let hunger roll into starving healthy food loses it's appeal. My body overrides my mind and devours all food, junk or healthy, without avail. Puking only gets rid of so much. The body absorbs calories regardless. For this reason I binge on healthy and low cal diet foods. I figure if my body does absorb calories the majority of it will be fat-free or complex. The binge may be volumous, but imagine how many more calories would be in the same amount of space with Doritos, Cheez-its, Pizza and Brownies.

The difference in the binge food, whether it is purged or not, is noticeable. When I consume junk food it leaves me feeling shitty. There really is such thing as a junk food hangover; I've experienced it. There have also been studies showing that sugar, processed food and well, the things that are generally found in unhealthy foods are addictive. Folks, I have done the research, I also found this to be true. I noticed that when I binge on junk, the more alluring it becomes, and the more likely the binge will be repeated and the proportions greater. It is a spiral of doom. I feel sluggish, depleted, defeated, and all the other yucktastic adjectives; and I always seem to gain. A gain A LOT!

It is not to say that bingeing on the healthy food does not make me gain or have me feeling sluggish. The degree of the effects are less with healthier food. Even my resolve the next day is better. The nutrition thins the fog of It. The fat-free and low cal diet food make it that much easier to zip up my jeans the following day. If I do it right and exercise, the jeans may even slide on a little easier than the day prior. I feel in control; a calm from the stress that weighs heavy on my mind. It makes it easier to smile when it is easier to hide, when there is a little less guilt of it all. It doesn't feel wrong when it's done this way. 

It is them that makes it feel so wrong. Those people that say it's disgusting and wrong and a disorder. But it doesn't feel like that to me when I do it "right." Just because the outside world seems to agree that it is wrong. Is it really? Or is it what our culture has taught us? The same culture that teaches us that thin is beautiful, brainwashes us with "doesn't being bad make you feel so good" when flashing images of luscious brownies topped with vanilla bean ice cream and drizzled with chocolate syrup followed by a commercial advertising the newest diet pills and "eat what you want and still lose" weight-loss programs. It's all mindfuckery that those people are feeding to us in any multi-media vehicle they can get to us. It's unescapable, the tv, the radio, the billboards... Is that not wrong? Is that not disgusting?

Bulimia is not healthy but neither are Doritos, Dreyers Ice Cream and muffin tops. There are links to cancers, diabetes and the like. I have a fucked up relationship with food and weight but is being concerned with it and worrying any worse than not worrying? Is becoming obese with high blood pressure, clogged arteries and a sweaty beast healthier than throwing up my food and having swollen glands and acidic breathe? No. I think the implications of a high weight are much worse than those associated with bulimia (I'm not touching anorexia...). Needless to say, I am aware of food and weight and the effects of it on my body.

My awareness is both my virtue and my vice. Those that are unaware tend to live in a world of lies. "Ignorance is Bliss" they say but is it? I watch my family members pile on cheese on their tacos and already cheesy beans, go for dessert, forgetting the chips and guacamole they noshed on before dinner was even served, and all the while they are sipping on calorie laden drinks (read: guzzling bottle after bottle of beer). They complain about how they can't get rid of this weight and they don't understand it (they've been good by having a yogurt for breakfast and chicken caesar salads for lunch), and how their doctor tells them their blood pressure and cholesterol levels are high. Mine are great, I go to the doctor and the test always seem to come back spectacular. I answer yes to exercising regularly and trying to eat healthily (all true) and my low blood pressure is associated with athletic people but come face to face hand to mouth with dessert or a serving of beans with a little cheese on them and my heart and mind go into overdrive.

If a magic entity gave me the choice today of ignorance or awareness, I would choose the latter. With the latter I have the power to change. With the latter I do not wonder why the scale goes up, I know. I can face the culprit again and know the consequences of indulgence now and high numbers later. 

With the whispers of Bull Limia and Healthy in my ears I try to teeter between the two. Balancing the scales. I like Healthy more, I hear all the truth in the words of Healthy but it is not a see-saw at a playground that I am standing on. There is not just 2 sides of this push and pull. There is the reality of my environment taunting me. The reality that tries to brainwash me with its catchy phrases and enticing me with its mouthwatering images to suck the decimals out of my bank account. The environment of tortilla chips with guacamole, pizzas and red velvet cupcakes because that's what people eat, apparently. The attitudes that they eat normally and I am not because my plate is covered in lettuce and vegetables and the soda I drink says Diet on it.

I am not saying that I am normal. But I question what "normal" truly is. Normal is what society does. Normal is doing as others do. But normal is very different from right and wrong; and "right" and "wrong" is tailored to the individual just as normal is. In this ED community of bloggers I am normal because I fit in with the majority. But the community as a whole is a minority in society, thus abnormal. I cloak this behavior to society so I can fit in a little better. I run to the community to pour my thoughts and  actions to light, I can be myself and feel accepted. In this community, my behavior is normal and thus, accepted while those people are not.

If my environment would have aligned with my aspirations of thin would I have felt "normal"? Would I have found IT? If staring me in my face were the choices of Healthy would it have drowned out the whispers of IT? 

What if I am the one who is "right"? I can see the mindfuckery attacking my thoughts each day and when I give into them I am trying to rectify the situation. Our culture and environment may scream "normal" but it is not right.

I don't think bulimia is "right" but I do believe that society is "wrong". I am trying to fight it. I am trying to choose healthy and when I don't I panic. I don't want to be one of them. To me, being one of them feels wrong. Healthy is right, I can feel it in my body. My environment seems to be against me. To be "normal" in society is confusing, it is always twisting and turning, pushing and pulling. 

I just want to go with what feels right to me. I would rather be healthy than bulimic. Sometimes being healthy is an obstacle; society, my environment, culture and, mostly, my emotions seem to be against me.  At those times listening to IT feels like the best choice.

Today I am putting forth effort to take on the obstacles and be healthy. I find this is the best way for me to get out of IT. I eat vegetable and fruits all day and thus do not feel the need to purge it. It is a sort of detox I suppose. I stay away from processed foods, even if they say "diet" or "low-cal" on them and opt for the goods that Mother Nature (and pesticides) has so graciously given us an abundance of.

It seems like, "Duh Dumbass! If this is what works for you than why do you keep finding yourself in this damn spiral of regurgitating food?" 

The answer is this: Pure Laziness.

I'm sure you've noticed that it is much easier to open up a bag of chips to munch on, and it is faster to heat up last nights fat filled leftovers; and less dishes and mess than to cut up vegetables or make your own healthy dish. It goes even further back that this; at the supermarket. It's so much faster and cheap to roll through the cereal and bread section than pick out pretty fruits that are not bruised and finding fruit that does not show evidence of the many miles it has travelled to get to your grocery store. When you are tired and just want to get home and eat, it seems like you have driven 2,343,232 miles and trekked through fields of orchards and climbed ladders to reach that piece of fruit. And then you get home and have to eat them in a timely manner before they rot (you know what they say about "one rotten apple...").  Of course, all this time and effort is completely worth it because fruits and vegetables and home cooked (healthy, low cal) treats are totally worth it but damn....I'm lazy!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Frazzled on the inside. Stoic on the out.

Hi y'all! (apparently I'm a hick today.) (just go with it)

Want to play a game called Guess Who's a Big Fat Failure?

Me neither.

And I don't want to play Where's Fatso? either, so don't ask.

Well, now that we have that all cleared up I wanted to update you all on what is new in my life!


Absolutely nothing and since there is nothing new to tell, I'll just regurgitate the usual. I am suppose to be writing an essay right now and being the Skilled Slacker that I am, I'm blogging instead. It's not the best use of my time tonight (obvy, writing a kick-ass essay would be) but it's a step up from eating (read: bingeing) and purging. Though, in all honesty, this is precisely what I would be doing if my cousin would just leave already. Don't get me wrong, I love the dear girl to pieces; but this dance of disgust is a solo affair. Some may say it's a good thing, but my stress level, sidelong glances towards the kitchen and carbacious cravings beg to differ.

I want that calm. As the minutes roll by I am getting more and more anxious. I feel bat-shit-crazy stirring inside me. Or perhaps that is my vegetable food baby floating in diet cherry 7up? Either way. I want to blow.