- The weather don't get crazy. SoCal is breaking it's rain rules, it's rained WAY more than 4 days this year.
- You stay relatively clean. Mud puddles are only cool when you don't do your own laundry.
- People watching. Thinspo. Reverse thinspo. Men you want to drool over you. Men that make you gag. Grunty men. Women that look like men.... and I've only gone twice so far.
- Exercise classes. Even if you're not joining in, it's entertaining to watch from the treadmill.
- TVs and Fans on the machines. SPOIL ME! I LOVE IT!
- If I feel like working out late at night, I don't get head shakes & frown because I might get "stolen."
- Eavesdropping. So far Juicy Convos have been at a zero; but I'm hopeful!
- Stats and Consistency. I tend to lollygag when I go for walks looking at nature or Christmas lights but the treadmill ain't having non of that gag that is lolly. The slave driver.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I stumbled I to this shit backwards and before I knew anything I was chest deep and sinking. I am a fairly intelligent girl and can see how far I have travelled into this disordered land where I am at the center and the rest of the forcefield is a food filled bubble. Family and the rest of the world are a distant blur.
And then there are holidays where family is right in front of me and I [drink copious amount of champagne and] talk to them. Most of the conversation is rather arbitrary. Tonight it got deep. Like I was fighting off crying like a 2 month old deep because shit hit a nerve.
I've told my mom and Sis about the bulimia situation before but more than 2 years have past and I'm not sure that they think of it as any more than a phase that is in the past. My mom and Sis are not educated or anything and they have some difficulty sympathizing with issues that they have no experience with. They also have this illusion that I'm super smart and strong and can do anything I set my mind to... Like getting over bulimia maybe?
Course we all know in this small corner of the blogosphere that is not the case. And now I'm pretty certain that this is not the case with my family. One in particular. A cousin that is 5 years my senior and teaching high schoolers did some research on EDs after being confronted with a girls dealing with them and other addictions.
We got into a talk tonight that end up A Talk (ifyaknowwhatamsayin). She said I need to talk to someone, I see her logic, but sadly that is just not how our economy and culture work. I don't have health insurance...I have like bills and shit to pay. The last thing I'm thinking of spending money on is to talk to somebody. I need a job.
In the world it's get a job so you can live not save your mental health. As long as you are sane enough to hold a job and take a shower a couple times a week America dont give a fuck. Oh your crying on the inside cuz shit doesn't go your way? Walk-no-eat it off. Not happy? Nobody is really happy, whatevs, just pay your bills and it won't get worse. In the human sense we all know that a person who is content or not unhappy fairs better but in America priority 1 is pay your bills.
I digress, my cousin can see clearly that I have body dismorphia and am depressed. Also that I've got manlike issues with food...not sure is she realizes or not that I'm bulimic but whatever. There is enough suspicion there that if she doesn't already know she figure out soon enough.
I'm scared. I liked believing that nobody knew. Our convo was out in the open too so I'm not sure what people caught on to or if they even cared but....it's still uncomfortable. This disposition is weak and pathetic and I am ashamed.
I want to be a healthy person but I'm just not sure that person is in me anymore. That ship has sailed and I'm left here stranded at the docks all alone.
Digression city anybody? You found it. Basically the conversation was upsetting and makes me want to avoid my entire family for the rest of my life! Or at least until I cam be a normal person. Which is basically in like 13 lifetimes from now so I guess that would make my next 12 life's in like china or Antarctica. Y'know someplace Mexican-Americans aren't interested in traveling to.
In other news I saw my ex boyfriend and that sucked cuz he's a hoodlum as loser and I have zero respect for him....basically I'm just mad at myself for even going for him in the first place cuz like...whoa Desperation City? Maybe. And bad fucking judge of character. I am such a stupid girl on so many levels. I couldn't even look at him. And I didn't cuz I'm not tryin to straight through up in front of people thats not cool. Instead I just smoked my cig (first one in year or two...or three?) and looked in the other direction like those lame ass trees down the street were unicorns that I had never seen before in my life.
It's a good thing I've got sarcasm and champagne or I'dov suicided outta this life already.
Wait. IS that a "good" thing? I just don't know.
PS this lost is the product of some bottles of champagne. So if it doesnt make sense drunk a whole bunch and reassess....or just drink some and you'll no linger give a shit and the word "sense" will be right along with "fart" when you were in the first grade and you'll just giggle and drunk some more. Either way.
PPS note in the PS that bottles is plural and I said some.
Sent from my iPhone.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
But then something awful happened. And it's awful only because I'm ED, the half of my brain that is relatively healthy was excited about the phone call from my aunt. A cooking class of Martini's & appetizers...martini? YES!Let's do this! I'm pretty certain that Martini making is a Life Skill, so this class is crucial to my existence. But the ED part of me was not amused. Food with real ingredients, like sugar and not Splenda? Cringe. I'll have to *gulp* digest this real food? And this may have been kinda okay if I would have had time enough to NomVom what I had planned.
The original plan (post phone call) was to have a bite of something, make some tea, get ready, and distract myself until it was time to leave. About an hour, an hour and a half max. The original plan went to shit. My mom came home just when I was finishing up the purge of my mini binge. (Yes, I'm well aware of my Stupid Girl Status.) I only had time for a quick change and make-up touch up, the hair was a hot mess.
The food was a flavorful party in my mouth. And not just any ole party with a keg and Doritos. This party was like My Super Sweet Sixteen party on steroids. The Sidecar Martini & Blackberry Martini may or may have definitely been the 'roids. And they threw a curve ball; they fed us desert. This brown tart pie thing with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. O. M. G.
If we would have gone home after that it might of been kinda sorta maybe manageable. But we didn't, oh no, The Cosmos were having none of that. We went to my aunts house were my Adorable Cutie Pie niece was and I binged. alvausbuaifvwahbf;w! Know what'am sayin'?
And then I purged. Yes, at my aunts house. The rest of the house was watching a movie and should they ask any questions, I could just say I had to poop. That's always my excuse when I'm in the restroom for so long. The purge sucked tho, which is not surprising. I was tense and didn't use the liquid tricks of the trade to help out heavy Vom.
In other news, I went Christmas shopping with my Mom on Sunday and we got practically nothing accomplished in the way of gifts but I did get 3 pairs of jeans. Ten dollars guys! Ten! So for the price of one pair of inexpensive jeans ($30 is my norm) I got THREE! I didn't try them on because I'm a pansy like that. I just eyeballed and grabbed a size 6. I was so scared to try them on but they fit perfectly. I'm glad that they fit cuz like.... a size 8(!) would be Crybaby Status. Size 7 is my okay, I can live with this [but I don't want to] size. But, of course, a size 2/3 would be Ferret Status.
I know some of you girls are aching for that zero or one but I'm mexican. I got hips, thighs, and a booty, size zero and the even the white boys would want to feed me a hamburger. Especially cuz I'm small on top.... I don't want people counting my bones through my shirt. Not sexy.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
- Eggs (Obvy, I only eat the eggwhites)
- Spicy Ranchero Eggwhite Salad
- Fat Free Feta Cheese
- Eggplant Hummus (healthy fats & fiber)
- Chickenless Chicken (I'm a vegetarian. This soy product has the least carbs that I've found so far)
- Nonfat Greek Yogurt
- Fat Free Cottage Cheese (actually I haven't bought this yet but it's on the list of "cans")
- Somona Low Carb Tortilla (3 net carbs and lots of fiber. Y'all know what happens with excess of protein and no fiber >.<)
Friday, November 26, 2010
My Thanksgiving was okay. We had it at my mom's boyfriends house so, of course, being home alone and anxious that morning I nommed and vommed beforehand. Dinner portion was fine but then came Pumpkin Pie. And after that, the pumpkin bread. And then I was like fuck it and I had more and then some more of the spinach artichoke dip. We've already establish that I'm a stupid girl whose stupidity leads to gluttony and fat pants so I totes get it if you just yawned right now and what's to come will not be a shocker either.
After an hour long drive home the food had digested. At least up to the pie and the pumpkin bread. When I got home I nommed and vommed again. I told myself it was okay. It was the Nom & Vom to end the Nom & Voms of the year.
Today is day 1 of the next 36 to start forming healthy and skinny habits. Buckle down and get ferret. Today was protein packed! I did want to exercise and maybe I will still but Mother Nature gave me a gift today and the gift was Misery. I don't know the criterion that the bitch considers to be a "gift" but I'm pretty sure it's wildly different from my own. Mother Nature can just keep that shit for herself. I mean, WTF! I don't even want kids, my uterus is just a waste of space. (Obvy, the vagina stays. SOME lady bits are Good Times.) It was me, protein, a heating pad and my baby blanky today. No thank you Mother Nature, I'm not grateful for you. At. All. (today.)
So although I'm trying to be all RingInTheNewYearAllSexay I ate ALL DAY LONG TODAY! Horrible! But then I calculated and to my surprise... 1200 calories. Not bad! 1200 is high but acceptable for me, though I'd like to keep it under 1,000.
In other news, the Thanksgiving wine was AMAY-ZING!!! This last weekend my mom, my friend and I hit the wineries and discovered this gem of a recipe. The wine is put in a crockpot and kept warm with spices and stuff. Warm wine didn't sound delicious to me either when the wine guy (Phil) had recommended giving it a try. I almost passed! So glad I didn't. My mom duplicated the recipe for Thanksgiving so I was in warm wine heaven!
Sweet Wine Goodness makes for a happy girl!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
An interesting day for us bulimics. If I play along, to be perceived as a normal binge I would have to tone down the binge and to truly binge I would leave observers disgusted and in awe of the gargantuan amounts of food that I could stuff inside my body.
I guess I should get ready for the awkward day ahead. I'm late but I could care less. I don't even want to go. I would totes pretend I practiced a religion that didn't celebrate holidays but then I'd have to keep it up all year and... well, fuck that.
I already binged and purged this morning from anxiety.
Oh well. At least there'll be wine to go with my whine.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Let's work backwards shall we? Forward motion is so not my style. And then an extra step back for fun. Remember when I was bragging about how the Himalayas had relocated to my face? Well, somehow they moved backed to their original location. Obviously, they left a few souvenirs to remember them by which I promptly try to hide with make-up. And it works! There's a big difference of trying and doing and bygolly I done the damn thang. I've gotten compliments on my face! I have a glow or something (Shoutout: Sheer Cover and the bronzer).
Well, this non-Himalayan replicating face did a little dance, made a little love and inspired me to do my hair! (cue: gasp) Except for the dancing and lovemaking part that last sentence is pretty much true. I saw a tutorial on how to curl my hair with my straighter and because I have Mad, Mad Skillz up in this Heezy (or something) I did it! And like.... people noticed? And like complimented me! Just before this display of Mad Skillz came into play I was starting to chat a little more to my classmates (the notasdumb ones) so yeah, it was a little easier to notice and compliment me. It wasn't like BLAOW! quiet girl did her hair! No. There was foreplay.
(I may or may not have had 2ish glasses of wine prior to the start of this post.)
Also, one day I was like "WTF. What. The. Fuck. I'm fucking huge. A whale/hippo/walrus/elephant/blob and impulse bought Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I haven't been doing it like everyday and following the whole 30 day plan and junk but whatevs. I'm off my ass for 30 minutes a day WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?! And even with that I've seen improvement. I have some semblance of a waist again.
Another confidence booster? (Answer: Yes'm)
I've met a friend in class and we totally get along great. Like same sense of humor and all! She likes to be all active and like... do stuff. Among them are things that I can deffo get behind such as wine drinking, wine drinking while studying, hiking, wine drinking while watching girly movies, and laughing at everything while drinking wine. So you can see the connection, yes?
She invited me out to a bar with her friends one night last week and I got a date! A real life date! At this point in my NONlove life the details are not even important! The smallest things matter. (Self-esteem: 5, Misery Bubble: 0) Like, little compliments here and there are like shockers to me. It took be by surprise at first, I thought I woke up to a world of mean sarcasm where a compliment means your fugly, like some weird spin-off of Mean Girls that was The Real Life Mean Boys of SoCal. After making friends, unhimalayafying my face, a few compliments, going out and people not hating me, displaying mad skillz, and a little movement, I'm thinking I'm not so bad? There's hope for me?
I'm only half joking. I know there is hope. I'm pretty sure I'm not that bad but with that comes effort. I feel like if I can look not ugly that I should put some effort everyday. I feel like if I can make friends then I should try. This clearly goes against my slothful ways. Does anyone else feel like the moon is spinning backwards? (Don't worry, I don't know what that means either ☺)
If I want change then I must change. I gotta work with what I have and that scares me. It's so much easier existing in the misery bubble, yet so much more rewarding to live in the real world. So I suppose I'm making the transition.
But I'm still a fucking Vominatrix of the Nom Division. Maybe one day I'll get promoted to Normal Appetite & Regular Digestion.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Remember that last post? All positive outlooks and uplifting? Me neither. But from you're super sweet comments I gather that the content was not in the drug through the mud mood. Have no fear I'm full of cheers! As in, clinking wine glasses "cheers" not that happy crap. Wine and whine, that's how I do. One or the other or both. The non-solids diet didn't last very long... and oh look who's back! Back again. Vomming is back. Tell a friend. DAMNIT! How'm I gunnah quitchyew? I just don't know.
Today, like most days, was bad in the eating arena. A friend from class came over to study for our upcoming exam and drink wine. Yes, that's how we roll. Winos unite! She came over around 3 and left at... 11? I was thinking our study sesh would be more brief. We study drink a bottle, MAYBE eat some snacks so we don't fall off our chairs, my mom would be home near 5:30 she'd leave around 6. I'd work out, do some more shit for other classes and sleep dreaming about doing inappropriate things to the men in the latest Cosmo Bachelors spread. And to all a good night.
A tub of hummus, a bag of veggies, a bag of pita chips, and a pizza later all I was thinking of was if it was too late to purge. All this and wine. All this, wine, and the eggwhite sandwhich (200) and veggies (100?) that were breakfast, AND the pumpkin cheese smoothie and almonds AND cheese sandwich (135).
Oh yeah, and there was the sample of pumpkin muffin that I had at Trader Joe's.
I want to be healthy and thin gawdamnit! My actions clearly show that I do not want it bad enough?
All of me is at a constant tug of war. I know that healthy and thin is possible and achievable. I have been trying to eat a balanced diet but the size of my body pushes my brain towards irrational thoughts. Less would be better, it will think. And it pushes further, reminding me again of my body size and reminiscing of the food I have consumed, the calories that I have stacked against me. Vom and lessen that number. And since you are going to vom anyway may as well eat more. It won't count. It's like throwing the food in the trash except you'll actually get to taste it. It will be less of a waste.
I have this crazy mentality with food. A compulsion that I have to eat it now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not later. NOW! All of it. But that is what it is, a mentality. Mental. It's all in my head. I crave the future. Not just with food but with life. I hate now. I hate this moment. I hate myself and my life right now.
I went to my academic counsellor and I realize I am not going to be ready to transfer until Spring of 2012. I'm 25 guys. I'm old for school as it is. But it is worth it. I'm trying to accept that I'm going to be in school until at least thirty. Let's hope I'm finished by 40. Seriously, pray for me or something.
I'm wining and whining down now..... it's sleepy time. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and me and my life will be what I want it to be... Do you ever just wonder how the hell you managed to survive this long?
Monday, October 11, 2010
"Acceptance says, True, this is my situation at the moment. I’ll look unblinkingly at the reality of it. But I’ll also open my hands to accept willingly whatever a loving Father sends me."
- My room is livable.
- I haven't purged in 7 days.
|'Cept in 3D and brainwashed to worship me.|
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions."I read that quote in class and realized that by reading blogs while I my full attention should have been on the movie we were watching that I was making a wrong decision. I read the quote several times over and turned a page in my notebook and began to write (nothing groundbreaking; I was sober). In the class immediately following the teacher was telling us how if we are not studying, we are wasting our tuition dollars. If we are not being assertive with our education than we may find the transition from community college to university all the more difficult.
Though I learn and get a lot from class (blog reading is only when the teacher is not actively teaching) I am nearly wasting my tuition dollar. I will find the transition to a University difficult. I am slacking. I cannot bring myself to write what is required, only when I am down to the last desperate minutes do I perform (and the performance is lackluster, at best). I want to write a great paper, hell, even a good paper would suffice. I want to be a good group member and contribute. Again and again my thoughts do not become actions.
My brain is a fickle fuck. When I am not thinking or learning of anything it craves learning. When I have the opportunity to learn I focus my attention elsewhere, on something more trivial like FB games (friend me I need more "It Girls" in my clique & neighbors to Farm, you harvest my crops I harvest yours? Or challenge me at Tetris, I'm a "Contender") or b/p'ing; keeping myself in limbo. I do enough to not fail, but not so much to where I can succeed.
My attitude towards life is worse than the one for school. I actually like learning. I don't care much for living. "Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions." Everyday, in my life, is just another day. I place no stock in today. I find that everyday I seem to make just about the same decisions as the previous day and think that I'll start tomorrow, or Monday, or the beginning of the month.
Is that shit even possible? Is it even possible to be happy mind, body, and spirit? It's starting to be a concept that I can't even imagine. Even my daydreams seems lackluster these days. On the rare occasion that I do feel something/anything in my dreams, when I wake up I seem to be twice as miserable. What's happening to me? This is not a life. There are so many people who want to live and are dying, and here I am hating my existence.
My mom called me today telling me how she was buying me health insurance. My insurance through her expired yesterday because I'm too old. I did not ask her she just did it. She said that since I was paying for my schooling that she would pay for my health insurance. It's nice of her; caring. Can you believe I am not happy about this? There goes my excuse to not visit the doctors. There is the insurance that will do what it can to make me live, whether I choose to or not. There lies the guilt of wanting to die and my mom wanting so desperately for me to be well. There lies the guilt of my mom paying for something that she should not have to (that I don't even want). There lies the feelings of failure that I am 25 and I am not independent. The fact that my disordered mind is tearing me away from... life.
Time passes and each minute that goes is gone. What will it take for me to make take that new opportunity; make that new decision, and step out of this hamster wheel. And with each passing minute I think why bother now when too minutes have already passed me by. What makes today any more special than yesterday? There is always tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Last night we had Costco pizza and peanut butter rice crispy treats.
This morning I had a smoothie, a muffin, pb crispy treat, and yogurt.
There are 10 adults, 3 kids (9-12), and 3 babies under one roof. Good times. The personalities and the food require much toleration on my part, as I'm sure you ladies can imagine. On the bright side we all sort of do out own things. We eat sporadically for the most part since we all eat differently, my sis and her hubby are on a diet. It's well-known that I eat crazy...so it's just a hodge podge cluster fuck of crazy.
I don't know how I'm going to survive this weekend. Keep nomming and vomming? Probably. I'm so use to my solitude. To be around so many people for 4 days straight has me feeling like I'm going to either jump out of my skin or go Ostrich and stick my head in the ground until it's over.
Let's see if hanging by the pool will effectively waste time. Maybe even go in, since melting seems to be the alternative.
*Vom all I can, but, of course, I always want more!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I had a very unproductive day, as per usual, but I didn't like get struck by lightning or anything so that's––well, actually, that would be pretty cool! In so many ways.
It would mean that there was a thunderstorm today, and it's summer, so the coolness is multiplied by 9. It always smells cool after the rain, which I wouldn't be enjoying because I'd likely be in the hospital or dead but everyone else can, so that's good. I would be dead. (Whoa, heavy for you, but I'd be all sunshine and apples or something, so this is happy thoughts for me so smile.) OR I would be in the hospital getting flowers and balloons, and who doesn't love flowers and balloons? And I'd be a lightning struck person which I'm pretty sure would make me pretty darn special, and land me a few scholarships.
This weekend I might be going out of town with fam, kicking and screaming. I really don't want to go. I'm a fatass, and this is the [de]motivating force towards activity. My moms birthday weekend, that week, AND last weekend just killed. I still managed to purge everyday, but obviously not NEARLY enough. I was consuming nonstop junk food and purge UNfriendly foods.
It's wednesday now, third day of purge friendly foods. Going this weekend would just mean being a fatass, and I just cannot handle gaining, and I can't seem to escape the all or nothing mentality. Hopefully by body will get use to the grumbly tummy feeling of purging all this week, and the thought of keeping anything down will keep me from eating.
Are Doritos purgefriendly?
I'm at a crossroads. I teeter and totter on the see-saw between caring and not. Apart of me says fuck it stay home and binge and purge all weekend, because it's what I want to do and fuck it, I'm fat anyway. I don't want anybody to see me, I'm hideous! And then there is the little part of me that says just go. I'll no doubt be uncomfortable of my fat hideousity but no doubt there will be some fun sprinkled in there too. And then, of course, the added comfort that when somebody asked what I did over the weekend I won't have to fabricate something or other to hide my ED and keep the creep factor low on the radar. I am very away that bingeing and purging weekend after weekend (*cough* day after day) and nothing else is not normal and a decent reason to think I am a completely creepy weirdo. Like I peep in people's windows or kick puppies or something.
Okay, weird, maybe, but I'm not a puppy kicker or peeping tom!
Mellon, how do I get ahold of you? You can gchat me at FlushedAgain@gmail.com
Emily, ummmmmmm.... I'm trying? I would certainly like to be a stable person, harder than it seems. Message me, we can hash this shit out together! Or just be ridiculous. I'm pretty versatile...
Sarah - by a thread. :-\ And several bottles of Wine and Fresca. And Flushing. (Pun intended.)
A Will Is A Way - I heart you :) Let skip in a field of sunflower and sing at the top of our lungs!
Rain, rain, go away! You're making me cray-cray! I want sunshine, I want rainbows. I want to fit in tiny clothes! Enough with depression. Enough with puke. I'm so sick and tired of you!
Peridot - I'll give Petville a try, and I'll send you a damn genie lamp! lol Play tetris and Farmville with me :) FV is lame, but oddly addicting. And then let's play leap frog at the lily pond!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Or email me I can add you. Either way.
Sorry about the Area 51, Bermuda triangle status with bomb fields, motes, ninjas, jungles, dragons and the chihuahua. I moved my gold bricks to another premise so the FB is (*fingers crossed*) open for biznaz!
Sent from my iPhone.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
....you're getting sleeeeeepppyyyy, sooooo sleeeeppy....you will follow the commands of allllllll that you are reeeeeeeeading.... You will friend FlushedAgain@gmail.com on Faaaaccceeeboooook... you will acquire and maintain heeealthy haaaabits that will render your body thin and healthy, and your mind sharp and haaaaappyyyyyy.... you will send giftcard to the Apple store until your credit card is maxed and your bank account depleeeeeted.... when I type "snap" with some astericks instead of quotation marks you'll get to these commands ON THE DOUBLE!
I expect many friend request on Facebook from a lot of awesome people. (That's you. Reading this. Yeah, YOU!)
This message is brought to you in part by Kazehana over at Sudden Snow of a Cloudless Sky; she inspired me to join. We now continue with your regularly sporadical posting (both in mood and frequency).
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Want to play a game called Guess Who's a Big Fat Failure?
And I don't want to play Where's Fatso? either, so don't ask.
Well, now that we have that all cleared up I wanted to update you all on what is new in my life!
Absolutely nothing and since there is nothing new to tell, I'll just regurgitate the usual. I am suppose to be writing an essay right now and being the Skilled Slacker that I am, I'm blogging instead. It's not the best use of my time tonight (obvy, writing a kick-ass essay would be) but it's a step up from eating (read: bingeing) and purging. Though, in all honesty, this is precisely what I would be doing if my cousin would just leave already. Don't get me wrong, I love the dear girl to pieces; but this dance of disgust is a solo affair. Some may say it's a good thing, but my stress level, sidelong glances towards the kitchen and carbacious cravings beg to differ.
I want that calm. As the minutes roll by I am getting more and more anxious. I feel bat-shit-crazy stirring inside me. Or perhaps that is my vegetable food baby floating in diet cherry 7up? Either way. I want to blow.