Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Distract Me from Me

Son of bitch! Everything I write is so.... UGH! It's depressing, not even like blue depressing but a lackluster grey that fades to black and I then erase. Which is precisely how I feel. Actually, it never quite reaches the black and erase part because that would basically mean that I cease to exist. And I'm posting so I'm either alive or a skilled ghost haunting this blog.

....cease to exist... that just sounds so... lovely, so much like a dream that I have every night. So much like the thoughts that's linger in the corner of my brain night and day, like some old alcoholic bar fly that has a cot in the back to plop her onto after she's blacked out. Only to wake up and do it all over again the next night.

I try to distract myself by diving deep into my thoughts, the corner opposite of where the facts of me and my life are kept. Philosophy, sociology, diets, television, Farmville... (Don't judge. Come friend me on Facebook [flushedagain@gmail.com ~ Lina Aria] and be my neighbor!! And challenge me in Tetris! I'll win.) ...but when all the crops are harvested and replanted, my eyes sting from the letters in the textbook, and only infomercials play on TV, I become painfully aware that I am... me.

I pass by the mirror and avert my eyes. I can't bare to see the reflection. My body, face, style (lack thereof)... the fat suit.... And then there is life. I have not even tried for a job because I'm afraid to show this hideous face of mine. I'm sure my work clothes would look disgusting and tight; and out of date. I will be rejected. I will sit across from strangers who will ask me question that they themselves could probably not answer if the roles were reversed. Every cell in my body will be screaming and tantrumming it up, down, and all around, while I try to reach for some semblance of an answer to appease, maybe even land me a job, all the while trying to maintain a calm exterior and keep my voice from sounding like there is a wild lily pad pond infested with toads, flies, and tumbleweeds. (Yes, tumbleweeds. It's my analogy, accept it or click away! Oh wait...that probably happened at sentence two...oh well.)

My personality is unstable. I am sarcastic, witty, positive, negative, smart, ditzy, depressing, ridiculous, ....I could go on for days... in a word, I'm moody. I'm all over the place. Most people don't see this clearly. I try very hard to seem like there is life inside of me, and when I lack the energy to put on the show, I am quiet, force a weak smile, recite one of the many excuses I have (school, rough weak, I've got to do this or that....stress is around every corner) and then I escape. 

Damnit! See! DEPRESSING! This is why my posts are so far between (though I still keep hoping to catch the swing and get back into the rhythm of the keys beneath my fingers). Sorry.

Life is sucking the life out of me.

I don't make sense.

You love it.
(no you don't.)


I love you more :)
(this is true.)

5 comments:

  1. I love you 150% more! It will be okay darling. You ares such a beautiful spirit and its a shame to see the life that this illness is sucking from you. Message me if you ever need someone to talk to. You know I've seen it all (Deep into ana, deep into mia, recovery, relapse, recovery, quasi-ambivalent-relapse, etc). I will totally understand. Depression is hell. Bulimia is an even deeper level of hell. Don't suffer alone. Please reach out. I'm here for you <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. "My personality is unstable. I am sarcastic, witty, positive, negative, smart, ditzy, depressing, ridiculous, ....I could go on for days... in a word, I'm moody. I'm all over the place. Most people don't see this clearly. I try very hard to seem like there is life inside of me, and when I lack the energy to put on the show, I am quiet, force a weak smile, recite one of the many excuses I have (school, rough weak, I've got to do this or that....stress is around every corner) and then I escape."



    Get out of my head!!!

    Thats exactly how I feel!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hang in there, lovely. <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Scary, because it's so fricking true. I know too well what you mean. We'll make it back out, though, we have to. What is it they say? You've got to have the rain to get the rainbow. Much love times infinity to the nth degree. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Come play Petville with me! I'll give you stuff :p

    I like the sound of your Lilly pad pond. Ducks and pretty flowers and dragonflies and sunshine and trout. Lets go there!

    ReplyDelete

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