Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Drowning in a Sea of Depression

Disclaimer: It's all in the title. If you're looking for laughs move on sweet shepherd; Fluffy white sheep cannot be found here.

I find it ironic that this "Flushed" character is more me than I am.  Here on the internet under a veil of anonymity I can be me. It is not to say it is easy. There are times when I am self-conscious, embarrassed, or scared to post certain things. But again, I believe that this is me. There are times when I can't even bare to look in the mirror. There are truths about myself that I try and forget––stuff it into a little box in my mental attic and proceed with my regular programming. There are sometime where I want to cry at the mere thought of me. (This may or may not be one of those times.)

It may not seem that this is the case; my posts have been quite sparse as of late. In all honesty, this is paralleled of me in the flesh. I have checked out of the world. I tweet and reply to text that come from fellow blogesses (bloggers sounds too masculine). Those who I have clinked drink glasses with, however, their texts go ignored.

I am ashamed and embarrassed to be me. I bailed out on my friends bachlorette party because I am fat, ugly, and I cannot bare to be seen. To be spoken with. It's written all over me that I am depressed. I spend my days bingeing and purging; productivity is just a word in a dictionary. There is much to do. Too much. It overwhelms me. I am drowning in To Do Lists and I have no will to swim. Floaties only go so far. I'm just waiting to drown. I don't want to participate in this game called LIFE.

Everyday that I wake up I resent the fact that I am alive. A better person deserves my life. The people in my life deserve a better me. 

(I'm not going to go the suicide route or anything; it's just a thought I seem to entertain. I'm still hoping there is a rainbow and pot-o-gold waiting for this dark and dreary weather to pass. *fingers crossed*)

8 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean.. everytime I see my reflection, part of me just wants to destroy anything and everything that shows a reflection..

    Ohmygosh and yes, same here with the drowning in things to do.. nice analogy though.

    But we can do this, right?
    Yes. We can do this.

    We will be strong.

    Best of luck! x

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  2. Oh darling, I'm so sorry you feel this way. If I could come and steal the noose of depression from around your neck I totally would. Whenever I'm in one of those states of "I can't move I am such a fat ass the world doesn't deserve to have my horrid presence forced on it's bright pastures," I just try to remember that this state will pass. Eventually. It will. I promise.

    You deserve to go out and have friends, you deserve to enjoy yourself, you deserve your life. In fact, no one could live your life better than you! Stay strong :)

    xoRoseox

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  3. Aww, sweet cheeks...I know it hurts. I know it sucks. But it only gets worse the longer you linger. Sometimes the only way out of the dark is to hold your breath and dive, kicking like the dickens til you see the surface light.

    I hate this word "deserve."

    It has distorted and ruined many a person's day, love life, life time.

    You are alive. That is enough. You don't have to deserve anything to be alive. Your life is yours. And the people in your life don't 'deserve' a different or better you, they are attached to the you which is present.

    "Deserve" is a word I would banish from my own vocabulary, and from your emotional lexicon because you can't earn life, nor love, nor happiness. They are free gifts, bestowed on you whether you would accept them graciously or not. They fall into your hands whether they are open or closed, eh?

    I'm sending good vibes your way, lady.

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  4. I'm so sorry, love. I adore you, and I truly believe things are turning around for you, soon. As in, now. Because you are too good to be feeling so awful.

    Kazehana put it beautifully.

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  5. Hold on, you'll get there.

    This is YOUR life. Do what you want to with it and DAMN the world! Wanna go bungy jumping? DO IT! Want to raise goats in the hills? DO IT!

    *Hugs*

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  6. learn something new everyday - I didn't know laughs came in the form of fluffy white sheep ;)

    it is your life to do what you want with it, want to spend some time ignoring to do lists, then do it. We all do it, I think it's part of the game.

    I hope things start feeling less gray soon, life in muted colors is dull to say the least - I promise the rainbow is around the corner, but no such promises about that damn pot-o-gold.

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  7. i know what you mean about only being yourself on blogger, i am the exact same way. hell, i dont even know who i am anymore in the "real world". i just putter along like a old woman and mumble obscenities at random people 99% of the time.
    please, try to find happiness in the little things.sometimes theyre all we can count on :)
    stay strong
    meg

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  8. I can relate!
    Sometimes I wish I could give people the url to my blog instead of explaining everything myself, lol: "Here, here's the update. Thanks for asking."
    Sorry to hear about being down, hope things get better!

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