Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Insane in the Membrane

This body of mine is oh so frustrating. It never fails to amuse (read: infuriate) me how much more puke there is inside of me than I food I remember eating. Also, the worst foods always seem to be the last and most stubborn to come up. I typically make a point of eat food that is low calories, healthy and longer to digest (like vegetables) first and as my binge progresses the healthiness of food I eat decreases. Junk food like cookies, chips, or some other high cal food I save for last.

I always figure the last to go in will be the first to come up. It's not. As much as I try to disillusion myself with this logic, the conclusion (i.e. the spew in the porcelain bowl) does not always prove this hypothesis. The stomach churns. The heavier food will likely sink to the bottom. The processed food will break up quickly and shimmy on down, down, down. Food, when mixed and mingled with the acids, saliva, and mucous in and on it's way down to the stomach will expand the foods that absorbs it. That bowl of tomato soup can end up filling a toilet bowl. The calories in the chocolate cookie that I ate last will end up the first absorbed. 

So frustrating.

Some days puking is easier than others. Sometimes when the puking is done I am calm and relaxed. Some times I want to go at puking again, sometimes bingeing again, and sometimes I just want a damn nap. There is nothing consistent about my puking other than the frequency with which I've been at it. Daily.

I like the calm. I like when I have no appetite afterwards. I like the feeling of the food escaping from my stomach and through my esophagus. I like the taste of food. The first time. But if I'm being completely honest, I'm not too bothered by it the second time.

I can't seem to eat with out bingeing. I can't seem to binge without purging.  I have no energy, no ambition. Anytime I think of things that I need to do I want to retreat inside the batcave with the kitchen and the restroom.

Saturday is my mom's 50th birthday and I have failed everybody. I have ignored phone calls and not done the tasks that I needed to. I dreamed up the plan and then left it for everybody else to make happen while I hide in my private vomitorium under the guise of school and... mystery?

Solitude and suicidal thoughts are on the rise. I am afraid of what will become of me. I think I am going insane. I stay away from people unless it is absolutely necessary because I do not want to burden them with my presence. 

I have no idea what to expect of Saturday. I am so afraid of the day to come, the thought of it makes me want to cry (yes, I'm crying) and be dead. If I'm dead than I don't have to live through the failure and disappointment.

I am thinking irrationally.

I know this.

I'm losing sanity.

9 comments:

  1. HEY!!!

    I'm worried about you. Loads of worry. How can I help you? Do you need a texting buddy you can contact when you get the binge urge? Do you need a swift kick in the pants? A hug? Love? Good chi? Just let me know what you need, and I'll do my best.

    XOXOXOXOXOXO
    Hang in there lovey
    Paix

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  2. Aww baby girl. Please don't get too down. Don't go anywhere, I'd miss you too much!

    Gosh, it's the same for me when I urm, purge. I like the feeling of being empty afterwards. I hate food sitting in my stomach. But sometimes I just cant get anything out.. or there just seems like more in the bowl than I actually ate. You're right, it's all so inconsistent.

    Much love darling! I'm always here for you :)

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  3. So many of the thoughts you have shared just now strike some very touchy chords inside my own battered body that resembles a fat suit, more or less. Bad jokes aside, I feel your pain, at least similarly, and I wanted you to know that.

    Know, also, that sanity isn't so great, and usually requires a lot of pharmaceutical grade mind-fucking numbing drugs and visits to the head-shrinkers to bring you back to the right size. Sometimes, we are so much like Alice, we scare those in charge of us. (Who "those people" are, I've not the foggiest, right now... as I'm under the influence of pharmaceutical grade mind-fuckery. My apologies.) Though none of this probably helps like I want it to, I just thought I'd let you know that thinking about and then surrounding yourself with some of your favorite things, like furry kittens and silk scarves, low-cal quivering jello to dance for you, and a mixed CD of your favorite "old school" tunes... Well, that helps, a little, too. Whatever you like, whatever you want.

    I adore you and I miss you and I'm sending any and all free-floating positive vibes your way. I hope they bump gently into you as luminescent, soapy bubbles very, very soon, and brighten your day a smidge or two or more.

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  4. Questioning your sanity is a good indicator that you still have a grasp on reality. That comforts me when I feel completely out of my element. I don't know what the real points of misery and sadness and feelings of inadequacy are. Emotions dictate our reality by making it more 3 Dimensional. Logic and always doing the reasonable things would make life unbearable. Both sides of my brain are out to get me. When I feel nothing my life feels empty. When I am overcome with negative emotions my life feels pointless.

    If there's a balance in there somewhere, please let me know where to find it.

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  5. Everyone here loves you! Remember that!
    Sanity is overrated anyway.

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  6. You know you can always hit me up, wifey. Text me any time if you want someone to talk to when you're down. <3

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  7. The mia side of me related to every. sentence. of. this. post.
    I too feel the same exact way about binging and purging and those pesky bad foods that sink to the bottom are especially heinous.

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  8. http://www.my-barbie-not-diary.blogspot.com/ check out my blog it's not ana yet, but I'm planing on getting back to it as I go back to college on september... :):):)

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  9. this post pretty sounds like what i deal with every day as well. i know what your going through. stay strong xox

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