I spent the weekend in tears or choking them back. My birthday weekend. (It's prolly not surprising to you that I'm crying right now, is it?) (Don't answer that.) On Friday we hung out at the spa, got massages, and went wine tasting. I cried (discreetly) on the way there thinking of the bikini that I would have to wear in front of people and that I would have to eat and I wouldn't be able to throw it up. On the way home, again, I cried but the dam of tears was EPIC. The last 10-15 minutes home I was fighting to keep a calm and quiet breathe. When I got home I sobbed into the couch for a solid 20 minutes.
And then I b/p'd, of course. I felt more calm after that, as I usually do.
On Saturday (my actual birthday) my mom arranged to BBQ at her boyfriends house (he lives an hour away, he lives in a beautiful home too and all my family wants to see the remodeling he had done). I texted my mom early and told her I wasn't feeling well, and later that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to go and "have fun." She replied telling me that she had everything ready and would be "SAD" if I didn't come. She also sent me a picture of the Angel Food cake with low cal marshmallow dressing that she made decorated with fresh strawberries and blueberry and in the shape of my initial. She clearly put A LOT of thought into it. So I went.
In the evening her boyfriend told me how upset she was and was crying, and how she put so much effort into the meal (grilled veggies & a salad) making that frosting so that it would be low cal. I felt sad that she went through that. I am such an asshole. I am an only child and I wish that she would have gotten a better "egg."
She doesn't know what to do with me. She wants to make me happy but she's at a loss of what she can possibly do (nothing short of killing me and putting me out of my misery). She just goes another day and hopes it will get better, she gets happy when I smile and chatter all lively; a practice that I am getting more and more use to faking. But it all falls down when she sees a moist stream down my cheek when we cross paths at night. Or the nights where we are both being Chatty Patty's and suddenly I just burst into tears. Saying how much I hate myself, my life, and I just want to be dead already between sobs.
Sometimes she hugs me if I come of as completely vulnerable. When there is anger and frustration mixed in she might get mad and frustrated with me; as though I'm doing it to upset her and make her feel like shit. Sorry mom, apparently sometimes my depression is contagious? Either way. It's my issue. It's my depression. It seems I have come to the point where I am powerless against it.
Nobody around me understands so they discredit my feelings and just think I'm doing it to myself and/or being dramatic. I wish.
They can all go fucking jump, alright? You aren't doing this deliberately. I wish they could see that.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, you got me hooked on that FUCKING Tetris game on facebook. Watch your back, girlie. Imma kick yo ARSE at it one of these days!
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ReplyDeleteI'm so sad for you. Flushed, you know as well as I do that happiness comes from within. No one can make us happy. They can contribute to good and fun days luckily, but true happiness comes from doing things or thinking things that make you feel ok, good, great, terrific!
ReplyDeleteThere has to be SOMETHING you like or don't mind doing or even an old but familiar path for your brain to take a stroll down, sniffing tulips along the way to peace.
I think you're a beautiful soul and a captivating writer. I do not know you, sure, but this is almost a better way to judge character. I hope so much that you will keep fighting this depression. Suicide shouldn't be your last chapter, Lina. You have a story to tell. Tell, it, tell us, tell a shrink; tell your heart that you love her.
Maybe I sound corny or preachy, but please know that right now I am "commenting" from the heart. From my heart to yours. We've been "blogger friends" for over a year and now you know my real name and other essential things through facebook.
We have a trust. Trust that I care about you and would be DEVASTATED if you died. I am just ONE LITTLE PERSON and there are SO MANY more that would be crushed if Flushed was to be no more..
Keep fighting this. Live for yourself, live for your mom, live for blogspot, live for our future. Just live.
Happy Birthday. This world needs more emotion, and writers like you (and me!) can convey some real shit.
Lots of love and peace to you.
xo~Sar
hey girl, i just wanted to let you know that i'm here for you. I know depression is something that no one can get rid of for you, you have to do it yourself, and that seems more than impossible. I was depressed too for a few years and i don't think i even fully realized it until after it was gone. I cried all the time and just wished that God would let me die, but luckily one day everything turned around and i realized what a mistake it was for me to think that way. I'm not saying you don't have every right to be depressed or feeling like this, obviously everyone on this site has their problems, but just look at all 267 of those people who care about you and your life and support you in everything you do. They follow you for a reason.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if there is anything I can say that would make you feel better, but just try not to do anything big. Just give it time, even when you've given it SOOO much time already and don't think you can go any longer. If you need to talk about ANYTHING (privately, too, if you would prefer) I am here, just let me know and i'll get you my email address, facebook, phone number, whatever you need...i just want you to be happy!
Love you honey
-xX frenzy
Happy belated birthday, my dear one! I wish you many, many, many warm, well, wonderful wishes, and I wish I could bottle it all up for those darker times.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading Sar's comment, I honestly can't think of a better way to say it. You are truly amazing, and I wish all the positive, happy vibes to you as can be mustered up all at once in this great world (and that's *a lot* of seriously awesome mo-jo).
Even though I don't know you, I love you. Always know that.
And because I can, I'm about to shoot you an email, too.
PS: Bubblewrap. Or bubbles. Bubble gum... belly-button lint... whatever makes you feel that teensy bit better, that can make your mouth curve upwards just a bit, that's what keeps you going, my dear. Hold on to those things like nothing else.
:( sad for you.
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are. well, kind of. Of course what you are going through is a totally unique experience.
But you have think of your mom. Suicide, though i have been able to make sense of it/justify it's purpose in our lives and world, really has victims. And it is the NOT the person who kills them self. You do suicide the ones around you. You aren't the victim.
Suicide = You change the world so everyone else around you is the victim. It is a terribly violent thing to do to the people who love you.
YOu are strong enough to fight thru this! I PROMISE! But is your mom stonge enough to fight though your suicide? I doubt any mom really is.
GIRLFRIEND...you NEED some yoga. Go buy a membership right the fuck now! There you can practice controlling your thoughts (and your body) and not letting your thoughts control you.
It is sooooo hard. But if you try, you WILL go in that direction.
Look in that direction to start with.
Decide you CAN be that better person. Imagine her. See he in front of you....a totally enlightened future you that has the wisdom and memory to look at the current you, and let her TELL you what you KNOW and what you need to know to become her!
And then do it. Become her.
xoxox
I have the same sort of relationship with my mum. At my worst points she'd be the same, but wouldn;t have a clue how to help...
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better, and dont give in:/ it'd be a loss to the world, honestly :)
xxx
happy belated birthday babe.
ReplyDeleteplease dont be sad, i know it cant be helped [like some stupid people think] , but i hate to see such a sad post from you. i know i havent read in a while, but i do know the amazing sense of humour you have, your posts never failed to make me smile, and i hope that side of you will resurface soon. :)
all my love!xxxx