Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It seems everyday I get a little worse. I think about dying. I think about killing myself. Lately, it's more the Just Do It approach, fuck the theatrics and drama. Just kill myself and get this shit over with. What am I waiting for? Some miracle to happen? Some sign that I should hang in there.... but for what? The only person that hurts me to think if they hurt is my mom.
I spent the weekend in tears or choking them back. My birthday weekend. (It's prolly not surprising to you that I'm crying right now, is it?) (Don't answer that.) On Friday we hung out at the spa, got massages, and went wine tasting. I cried (discreetly) on the way there thinking of the bikini that I would have to wear in front of people and that I would have to eat and I wouldn't be able to throw it up. On the way home, again, I cried but the dam of tears was EPIC. The last 10-15 minutes home I was fighting to keep a calm and quiet breathe. When I got home I sobbed into the couch for a solid 20 minutes.
And then I b/p'd, of course. I felt more calm after that, as I usually do.
On Saturday (my actual birthday) my mom arranged to BBQ at her boyfriends house (he lives an hour away, he lives in a beautiful home too and all my family wants to see the remodeling he had done). I texted my mom early and told her I wasn't feeling well, and later that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to go and "have fun." She replied telling me that she had everything ready and would be "SAD" if I didn't come. She also sent me a picture of the Angel Food cake with low cal marshmallow dressing that she made decorated with fresh strawberries and blueberry and in the shape of my initial. She clearly put A LOT of thought into it. So I went.
In the evening her boyfriend told me how upset she was and was crying, and how she put so much effort into the meal (grilled veggies & a salad) making that frosting so that it would be low cal. I felt sad that she went through that. I am such an asshole. I am an only child and I wish that she would have gotten a better "egg."
She doesn't know what to do with me. She wants to make me happy but she's at a loss of what she can possibly do (nothing short of killing me and putting me out of my misery). She just goes another day and hopes it will get better, she gets happy when I smile and chatter all lively; a practice that I am getting more and more use to faking. But it all falls down when she sees a moist stream down my cheek when we cross paths at night. Or the nights where we are both being Chatty Patty's and suddenly I just burst into tears. Saying how much I hate myself, my life, and I just want to be dead already between sobs.
Sometimes she hugs me if I come of as completely vulnerable. When there is anger and frustration mixed in she might get mad and frustrated with me; as though I'm doing it to upset her and make her feel like shit. Sorry mom, apparently sometimes my depression is contagious? Either way. It's my issue. It's my depression. It seems I have come to the point where I am powerless against it.
Nobody around me understands so they discredit my feelings and just think I'm doing it to myself and/or being dramatic. I wish.