Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Below the Surface
I managed to survive the weekend without gaining weight. This is based, of course, on how my pants fit because the scale is more terrifying than the Boogey Man, whom we all know keeps millions up at night. I continue to NomVom, through the weekend and even today. The interesting part will be tomorrow when my friend comes over for drinks.
I will keep the Nomming activity towards the end of the visit so that I can Vom under the guise of a shower since my mom will be home. My tactics are getting bolder.
Last week my cousin spent the night. In the morning she showed no signs of leaving (as per usual, she likes to use my internet). The plan was Nom&Vom. One problem: silence. She was on her computer and hadn't turned the TV on. I grabbed the remote and turning it on, commenting on how I needed background noise, "silence drives me crazy!" I finished the Nom and turned on the shower to further muffle the Vom; with the added benefit of a steamy shower. Smooth sailing.
Over the weekend, with all the chatter and the fact that the bathroom had two rooms, the sink area and then the shower and toilet area with the fan, noise was not an issue. I kept the VomNom's to about 3 times a day. The hardest one was the evening, but I still managed. Plus, we were drinking all weekend so if somebody did happen to hear me puke (which I doubt because they would ask, "you okay?") then they'd likely chalk it up to drinking.
The obstacle was the last day when we went to lunch with my dad. I wanted to get back so bad so I could get the MEXICAN FOOD out of me! All my energy went into seeming at ease, but we all know my heart was racing and my mind was frantic in trying to find a way to purge. So annoying. When I excused myself to the restroom my sister joined me. ARGH! I made sure to comment how I couldn't wait to get back and use the restroom. I always claim poop when I spend an extended amount of time in the restroom.
I'm writing a whole post about puking, yes I am. Wow.
In other news, I'm going to be 25. Can you believe I'm that old? I'm struggling with it. Especially because I have no life. My mom took Friday off and has something planned to do for us (I'm hoping massages!) and Saturday, my actual birthday, nothing. I'm thinking I'll be spending the day wallowing in my own self-pity. What a sad, sad life I live.
This weekend being around my family was weird. I feel like such an outsider. Not all the time, but much of it. There is no comfort and ease when I walk into the room. I always feel like I'm interrupting a conversation if I sit next people or even ask to join in an activity. And I'm not all doom & gloom despite the tone the has been ever present in the blog (and/or how I feel!) I come over with a smile and try to pretend it's all easy-peasy and comfortable.
The room is filled with a low roar, there is conversation, drinking and munching constantly going. I like when we DO things. On Saturday night we were playing Wii and had so much fun. We started off with karaoke and then played a dancing game. All of us were into it and having fun! (Yeah, I was the reigning champ in dance! 2nd place in karaoke.) I wish our get together were more like that instead of centered around food, drinking, and the fucking conversations that we have all the time. Okay, the drinking I don't mind.
I was hoping the funtivities would happen again, but there was nobody to initiate. We lack doers in our family. It seems like we have to be almost forced and nagged into doing things. Getting organized is so hard. Nobody wants to shut up for 5 minutes so that one person can explain something or organize. There is always a few side conversations going on. Always a "funny" comment, but the comment doesn't stop, a funny comment to the funny comment, and so on. I like that we can laugh and talk or whatever but I feel like our get-togethers are getting more and more redundant and less and less fun.
We have the whole "the more the merrier" attitude but people don't want to just sit around with a bunch of drunks regurgitating the same stories. If we were to partake in actual activities (while drunk, of course) then perhaps we'd be a little more enthusiastic about these get-togethers and maybe even invite people! And MAY-BE these people might have fun and want to come back! And MAY-BE this will snowball and we might actually have MORE people and a MERRIER time!!?
Just a theory.
I just don't know where I stand. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fairly normal girl. Normal in the sense that people can chat with me and like me. Normal in the sense that I don't suck at everything, that I'm actually pretty good at things. Normal in the sense that people actually want me around and enjoy my company. But sometimes I feel just the opposite. Take all those things and flip it to the negative. And you know what is a catalyst for this type of thinking? That I can feel this way around family. If my own family merely tolerates me than imagine how people with no relation to me must feel?
Maybe that's why I pull away from people. I fear that the more they get to know me and learn about me the more they will not like me. I fear that they will think I am too weird to be associated with. Everytime I gain even the slightest bit of confidence something happens and it swept from under my feet. I feel like a monkey that slips on a banana peel every time I try to take a step forward.
I was chatting with a fellow blogger the other day and bulimia came up. She told me that it would be awesome if I stopped again. I told her I'm afraid to stop NomVom. Admittedly, I'm not doing well. I'm depressed with suicidal thoughts, and I can not eat without bingeing and I cannot binge without purging. And so the cycle goes.
It may seem like stopping would make things better but I disagree. Bulimia is my gravity lately. Sure, with it I will be holding onto a certain amount of depression and solitude. At the same time, weight gain is a catalyst to depression and solitude. I am more willing to leave my house and interact with people when my jeans fit comfortably. I notice that overwhelming emotions are calmed with a NomVom. I am easier to smile when I don't like a blubbery walrus and I have some endorphins in me, which is released through vomming.
I can't stop because I need this calm.
I need my gravity.
My gravity that keeps me just below the surface;
but not deep enough to drown.