Thursday, December 30, 2010

101 Ways Gyms are Auw-Sum!

101 Ways Gyms are Auw-Sum!

  1. The weather don't get crazy. SoCal is breaking it's rain rules, it's rained WAY more than 4 days this year.
  2. You stay relatively clean. Mud puddles are only cool when you don't do your own laundry.
  3. People watching. Thinspo. Reverse thinspo. Men you want to drool over you. Men that make you gag. Grunty men. Women that look like men.... and I've only gone twice so far.
  4. Exercise classes. Even if you're not joining in, it's entertaining to watch from the treadmill.
  5. TVs and Fans on the machines. SPOIL ME! I LOVE IT!
  6. If I feel like working out late at night, I don't get head shakes & frown because I might get "stolen."
  7. Eavesdropping. So far Juicy Convos have been at a zero; but I'm hopeful!
  8. Stats and Consistency. I tend to lollygag when I go for walks looking at nature or Christmas lights but the treadmill ain't having non of that gag that is lolly. The slave driver.
And 93 more! I assure you they are just as applause-worthy as 1-8! If you're not hitting the gym, there is a wonderful world of sweaty that you're missing in your life!

The gym, in all is spandexiness does have a down side. People can see you. Yes, you read that right; and it's true. Looks of jealous, disgust, and lust must be properly poker faced. Wanna work out in the jammy jams? No. I mean, I guess you can, but I'll tell you right now I'm giving it all that I got not to call you out like, "SERIOUSLY!? JAMMAS? IN PUB-LICK?! No. Just no. Put some pants on! Or at least sweats that don't have  little snowmen and candycanes on them. INAPPROPRIATE!" (Just for the record, I have not encountered a Jammimal yet.) (But I'm hopeful!) I'm not sayin' you gotta be catwalk ready either tho, cuz then you're Bozo the Clown at a cocktail party. 

I digress.

People can see you, and these people may be people you know. And not all the people I know I'm comfortable seeing when I'm working the ponytail, sweat, and warm-ups. Especially if these people are people that is your back up image files of the mind in the "men you want to drool over you" category when there aren't any "men you want to drool over you" available for gazing at the moment. And they are your neighbor. AND! AAAAND!!! They know your mom who is the person you drag with you to the gym. ESPECIALLY! Especially when the body ain't Ferret Status yet. 

Alright. Real talk. Neighbor Boy has mowed his lawn sans shirt and nearly caused a park car to jump out in front of mine like some crazy car bunny hippity hopping down the bunny trail. Twas insanity! INSANITY I SAY!! Luckily, my car has a poker face and played it cool. I don't know about the portion of his body that is atop is neck but the rest of him is enough to make Inappropriate Thoughts haunt my mind. Suddenly, bow-chicka-wowow just pops outuva cake and invades guerilla stylie in the middle of nowhere. Who knew doing laundry could be so intense?

Too bad I'm too much of a shy dork to ever say more to him than "Hi." and "I'm good. You?" and not look directly at the muscles. Mmmmmm....musssscles....

In other things new and exciting. I'm a horndawg and need to get laid. Serious. These man muscles ARE RUINING MY LIFE! Or my concentration, at least. And actually that may be a good thing because I'm in a financial shit-hole and it's stanky. And my focus will be to look smoken hott ferret status (like I am in my "distractions") rockin my new boots and peeptoe heels that I got for christmas! :)

P.S. I'm drunk. Off of Man-Muscle-Lusting. 
(Try it! It's calorie free! No hangover guaranteed!)


  1. Brilliance.
    I am a dedicated gym addict - the treadmill (the slavedriver) motivates me so much more that the road outside.

    Ahhhh and at least you have man muscles to enjoy... I have nothing remotely attractive to keep me occupied at the moment!
    And go on, go say 'Hi'... please?
    x x x

  2. Oohhhh! I miss the gym!
    I only stopped because of damned school work keeping me busy so my mum cancelled our memberships. Damn it.
    I used to have GORGE guys at my gym.. *siiiiigh* It was so motivating!
    I want my gym baaack :(

    lucky you with the fitty next door! All I have is old farmers... o.O

  3. Your hilarious! I like the gym too, its way easier to workout when you've driven all the way there. No excuses then.

    ~ Harlow

  4. Great post! I'm lol-ing!

    I fucking miss the gym. I wish they were free. You watch - in 10 years they'll have gym stamps, just like food stamps, for us po' folk to get off our lazy McDonald's inhaling asses. Called it.

  5. Jammimals be all up in my gym!! They are almost all female! The male of the species is more elusive!

    I am exclaming all over the place!



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